“Hindi mo ba nakikita na parang ayaw na ni Jimin sa’yo?”  

 

The question hangs high up in the air, like a fruit on a branch that was ripe for the taking. Minjeong does not take it, though—she lets the question sit in the dead air until it is too awkward to answer it, and she’s just staring at the window past her friend who threw that odd question to her.  

 

No, Minjeong wanted to answer, but she does not want the awkward truth coming out of her own lips. It doesn’t exist if I don’t see it, right?  

 

“Minjeong, worried lang ako sa’yo.”  

 

Minjeong prefers to ignore. At least, mas madali sa kanya na gawin iyon—what is the truth, anyway, if not something people hate the most?  

 

“Minjeong, ano ba—”  

 

“Jimin loves me,” Lie. A big fat lie, and you know that. “Ewan ko kung ano yung nakikita niyo, pero I know that she still loves me.”  

 

Minjeong could not sleep that night. The words her friend told her keep revolving around her mind like a moon in orbit, and for the nth time she stares at the messages that she and Jimin had exchanged the whole day.  

 

Love you, Minjeong.  

 

Is it weird that Minjeong does not feel anything from those words? No, all she could feel is the sudden emptiness. Like the words had shone a light upon the darkness she was using as an illusion, like her eyes had been opened and there was no getting it closed again.  

 

The door to leave was open right in front of her, and yet she does not want to walk away. No, that is not hers to decide alone. Jimin should walk away with her, right? Hindi naman pwede na siya lang mag-isa ang magdecide nito.  

 

No, she has to wait. Maybe this feeling with pass. Maybe they aren’t over. Maybe this is just the occasional sudden feeling of emptiness where one feels that the love is suddenly fading, and there seems to be no way of getting it back.  

 

Maybe, the only thing Minjeong has to do is sleep. Maybe, that is the only way to bring it all back. To feel like Jimin is hers again. To feel like she is hers. Maybe, that is the only thing keeping her from closing her eyes to the darkness again.  

 

Minjeong does not sleep that night.  

 

She stays wide awake, phone in hand. Her fingers over the keyboard for a few minutes, typing some words and then deleting it as soon as she finishes the sentence. Parang sasabog ang puso niya habang nakatingin siya sa picture na ginamit niyang contact name para sa girlfriend niya.  

 

It’s a picture she took of her, years ago. Ang tagal na nun, at hindi na masyadong naaalala ni Minjeong ang mga details before the picture but she still remembers taking it. She still remembers the sweet, very sweet smile on her Jimin’s face. So sweet, she just had to take that picture and keep her in her heart forever.  

 

It just had to click in to Minjeong at that moment na God, mahal na mahal ko tong babaeng ito. God, she vowed at that moment that she’d love Jimin for a very long time.  

 

Well... where is that vow, now?  

 

Minjeong finally types the full sentence of what she wants to say. It stays in the chatbox for as long as she wants it to be, and she closes her eyes as she hits send. Like she does not want to see what happens next, even though it’s already killing her to be in this moment.  

 

Like she feels that the love she had was slowly beginning to fade its existence.  

 

Pero bakit? Paano? How can she suddenly fall out of love when Jimin has been nothing but nice to her? When Jimin has been nothing but nice, and kind, and...  

 

And what?  

 

I love you, Minjeong ko! Ingat ka sa byahe today, baby.  

 

Love you, Minjeong.  

 

Minjeong’s heart aches as she reads the difference between the messages that she had almost always received from the love of her life everyday. It feels as if she had been gaslighting herself little by little everyday, figuring that a message was enough.  

 

As long as Minjeong receives a message from her, it’s okay. No matter how soulless and ordinary it may seem. Kahit na parang the message is sent just for the sake of keeping up conversation and saying that Jimin loves her.  

 

Jimin loves her.  

 

Jimin loves her?  

 

Hey, Jimin. I was wondering if we can talk? Parang may napansin kasi ako, na parang nag-iba na yung general vibe nating dalawa, hehe. Can we? Sorry for the late night chat, though. 

 

Sent.  

 

The time ticks ever so slowly as Minjeong waits for a reply. Anything to acknowledge the message. Anything to ease the bomb that seems to grow in place of her heart, threatening to blow up at any moment and render her a heartbroken tragedy— 

 

Hey. 

 

Sorry, busy kasi ako this week. Tsaka finals mo na right? Next week? Maybe we should talk next time.  

 

Love you.  

 

The response delivers a pang to her chest, instead of relief. It feels like there was a hand, slowly closing around her neck—strangling her, doing everything but alleviate the crushing pain that seems to appear on her heart from the moment her friend’s words lingered in her mind up until now.  

 

You know it’s over, she wanted to type, but the message could not be translated from her fingers to the letters on the screen. Bakit pinapatagal mo pa?  

 

She just couldn’t.  

 

How, when Jimin has been nothing but nice?  

 

*** 

 

It takes six months before Minjeong could get that chance to talk.  

 

Six months of fake smiles and fake laughter