Dear Donghae,

I asked my grandmother one cold evening on why the stars were shining brightly that night. She said that the heavens were rejoicing and the stars were dancing because love was burning in the corners of the world that night. I didn’t understand her, but she saw the glimmer in my eyes. A certain boy whom I knew. She thought we would grow up and fall in love with each other one day. She chuckled to herself. But I thought it was absurd, and I brushed those thoughts aside. But I was seven back then.

When I was sixteen, a sudden whirling feeling came over me. I couldn’t explain it, I couldn’t rationalize it. It was just there; magically appearing like a mystical lamp’s third wish grant. Every sight of him made my heart sink, my breath on hold, my skin on fire. Every touch was an icy yet burning sensation. Everytime he called my name, it was like his voice was filtered with crystals- rigid, smooth, and cool. I couldn’t fathom why after all those years, it just crashed on me like thunder. I suddenly found myself staring at the black night sky, wishing that the moment would never end. I felt blissfully drowning in my own fantasies. The moon dramatically became bigger and the stars shone radiantly. I suddenly found myself eager to face the morning light with all the enthusiasm in the world. I recognized that feeling. I’ve read about it, I’ve seen it, I’ve heard of it. I was , no doubt, irrevocably in love with him. I just desperately wished he felt the same way.

He wasn’t my bestfriend. But I knew him. I didn’t know everything about him, but I knew more than enough. I wasn’t his bestfriend. But he knew me. He didn’t know everything about me; he knew nothing more. I’ve seen those movies and I’ve read those books filled with cheese-dripping romance, and I’ve been daydreaming on how I wanted them to happen to me. To us. I lay my head back, wide awake at night, whisking myself away to my make-belief land of fantasies. I dream about us, together at creek at night. The cold waters gushing through our feet, bathed in soft moonlight. The feeling would be magical. My dreams take us away to the middle of the forest. The thick and tall trees would cast dark shadows and its branches would spin ribbons of black twigs, breaking the moon rays above as the moon floats over a ship of clouds. The feeling would be mystical. My dream would then take us away to a place of white-linen snow. Together, we would walk and trample over the shedding cherry blossoms. The feeling would be whimsical. My dream would then take us away to an endless field of flowers. A sudden showering rain would downpour, but we would share a deep, feeling-invigorating, emotion-consuming kiss. The feeling would be passionate.

But clearly I was the only one caught in this delusion. I see the light on his eyes, but he doesn’t see the love set on mine. He turns towards her direction. But she will never see him shine like I do. I see the fire burning within him, but he’ll never feel the bliss I feel when I’m with him. He stares at her as she walks. But she will never want him the way I do. I hear the dazzle in his voice. He indulges in the beauty of her existence- perfect, flawless. But she will never love him like I do.

Who is this girl who has held his heart on captive? He has never even given me the chance to love him like I want to do. He looks right through me- bleakly and emotionless. He didn’t even take the chance to know me. He didn’t take notice of my affection.

Those teenage fantasies have long left my mind, but it has made its dwelling in my heart. Now, I see him everywhere. He has gone far. From some ordinary campus heartthrob to Korea’s biggest superstar, I must admit, he has scaled over everyone’s expectations of him. But he is still the guy I used to know. And probably I will still keep dreaming about us, until my heart’s desire slowly fades away.

He is always a vivid picture in my life. But to him, I’m invisible. Like the light that slowly fades away, I’m invisible. Like the night that casts long and dark shadows upon half of the world, I’m invisible. Like the mist that cascades over the mountaintops and floods the tall pine trees, I’m invisible. Like the reflection that was never there, I’m invisible.

The reality of us together is invisible.

But she will never see the light on his eyes like I do.

She will never love him like the way I do.

To  him I’m always invisible. If only I could make him realize and open his eyes on how much he means to me. But in his eyes, I will always be invisible.

Like the passing of a sudden chilly night wind, like the smell of the saline ocean. I am here, still loving him. Still desperately hoping he’ll see me.

But I remain invisible. In your eyes, Lee Donghae, I will always remain invisible.

Love,

(you)