My heart was partly heavy also it was relieved. I knocked on the door and Rin opened it. His eyes looked tired and dead. His posture straightened up when he saw me.

-          Shinbi?

-          Hi… Can I come in?

-          Of course!

He let me in and I walked into the dark apartment. The only light was from the tv who was talking to itself. He a lamp on the nightstand. The apartment that was supposed to be our home was dead. It felt like a strangers house.

-          I didn’t expect to see you. Are you… coming back to me?

I took a hold of his hand and shook my head.

-          Ah, I thought so… Then why?

-          I’m really leaving this time.

-          What do you mean?

-          I’m going to France.

-          Do you really have to go?

I felt how tears started to form in my eyes. It really hurt seeing him like that.

-          I’ll wait for you…

-          Please don’t. I don’t deserve it.

-          I can’t change your mind, and you can’t change mine.

I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I uncontrollably sobbed and I felt his warm embrace around me.

-          Why? I whispered.

-          Because I love you.

I got out of his embrace and dried my tears.

-          I don’t know if I’m ever coming back.

-          I’ll always be here.

-          Please find someone better.

He smiled and shook his head.

-          I’ve changed, Rin.

-          I know…

-          I’m not the person you fell in love with anymore.

We both sat there looking at each other as we cried.

-          You’re still the same. Still as kind as the first time I met you and still as patient. Rin… I really just want you to know that I really did love you, with all of my heart. I really did and somehow I know I still do, but I just need to be alone.

-          I love you.

I cried even more when he said that.

-          Please don’t say that. How can you love me?! I’m not worth being loved!

-          Good bye Shinbi. He calmly said as he smiled. He knew there was nothing else that could be said.

-          Good Bye Rin.

I got out of the apartment and took a deep breath. As I walked through the dark neighborhood snowflakes started to slowly fall down.

-          Everything starts anew… I can start anew…

I found myself standing there in the middle of the street with my face towards the sky letting the snowflakes melt against my warm cheeks. Everything about me and my surroundings were filled with poison. I wanted to clean it all out. Become pure again. I need time to heal. To become a good person. I’ve gone too far this time. I opened the coffee shop doors and my grandmother smiled as she saw me.

-          You seem determined.

-          Grandma, I’m leaving.

-          I know…

She walked towards me and laid her hand on my cheek.

-          It will be fine.

-          I’m doing the right thing… Right?

-          There has never been such a thing as the wrong thing.

I faintly smiled.

-          Can I stay here tonight?

-          Of course.

I took my bags and walked to the upstairs. Before I left the church she had given me a number, she told me to call me when I’ve made up my mind. I pressed the numbers nervously.

-          Hello?

-          Hi… Uhm, this is Shinbi, I was at the church earlier today.

-          Hello, child. Have you decided?

I was amazed she remembered me. I cleared my throat before continuing.

-          Yes. I want to go. As soon as possible.

-          How soon?

-          Tomorrow.

-          I know a group is going tomorrow night. I can try to get you a ticket.

-          Thank you.

I wanted to go as soon as possible. I want to go before I could change my mind. Before my senses came back. I couldn’t sleep that night. Anxiety mixed with adrenaline kept me up. In this dark and lonely room one second felt like a thousand years. However, it started getting a bit lighter. It was still dark but that deep black color was fading. Hours passed and I just sat there in my bed. Waiting for time to pass. My body started to ache so I got up and decided to shower and change my clothes. As I stood in the shower even the warm water didn’t make me feel better. It was the same kind of apathy I felt after my parents passed. I’ve cried so much that my whole body had gone numb. I got out of the shower and wrapped myself tightly with a towel before going back to my room. I felt cold so I quickly got dressed. As I stood there brushing my hair I had a small knock on the door.

-          Come in.

My grandmother carefully walked into the room.

-          Are you sure you have everything?

-          Yes. I’m sure.

I put my brush down and hugged her.

-          I hope you find whatever you’re seeking.

-          I hope so too.

-          Rin came by and left this for you.

She gave me a letter.

-          He told me that you should read it once you’ve found yourself again.

I held the letter tightly and she my hair.

-          Let me braid it for you.

It was so relaxing whenever she did that. Somehow it helped me mentally prepare for the trip. The last hours flew from me and before I could actually comprehend it I was walking into the busy airport. I was traveling with 5other girls and a pastor from the same church.

-          I need to make a call. I’ll be right back.

-          Well go and get something to eat.

I nodded and walked towards the payphones. With shaky hands I dialed the number I had memorized by now…

-          Hello? His dark voice sounded dry and raspy. As if he had been drinking all night.

-          It’s me…

-          Shinbi?

-          Yeah. I just wanted to call and tell you I’m moving.

-          Where are you? Let’s meet up.

-          I can’t, my plane is leaving. So I need to hang up. But I thought you deserved to know this much at least.

-          Let’s talk through this!

I heard how he was about to lose his temper. I took a deep breath trying to calm down.

-          Seung-Hyun we are over. We’re no longer together.

I hanged up and went into the bathroom trying to calm myself down.

-          Everything starts anew. I can start anew…

I mumbled it over and over as a personal mantra.

-          The gates to flight number 8293 to Paris have opened. All travelers please go to the gate.

-          Shinbi, this is the first step towards your new life.

1½ year later.

It was warm in Taizé. The sun shined brightly and I felt how the rays soothed my skin.

-          Are you enjoying your last hours here?

I looked at the pastor who had arrived here with me.

-          Yes.

-          How do you feel?

-          Calm. Excited.

-          Do you want to go back now?

-          Yes, I said and smiled. I know what I want now.

He understood in needed to be alone for the time being. I reflected over the immature me who arrived here. I had my heart on the wrong side. Now it was beating differently. It was determined and full of will. The old me kept walking back and forth, and every time I turned to go back I was sinking a bit lower. I had walked for so long that I decided that I had enough. My history was repeating itself and the ending would always be the same. These past few months I’ve been erasing everything in my book. This time I’d write a different story. I walked to my room and emptied out my drawers. A letter fell out and I immediately recognized Rin’s handwriting. I had completely forgotten about this letter and with shaky hands I opened it.

“The words I couldn’t say when you left, I’ll write them all here so that one day when you’re strong enough you can read them and understand my heart. No matter what has happened in the past, and no matter how much we’ve been hurting I still want you by my side. When you get up early I wanna get up with you. If you want to leave for somewhere else by yourself I’ll wait for you. The words I couldn’t say, “stay with me” “don’t leave”. I’ll say them all right now. Because hopefully when you read this you’ll be healed enough to feel the same again. Maybe you’ll find it in your heart to once again love me, to be with me and to find me again. I’ll be waiting Shinbi. I won’t love or see another woman until you’ve given me your answer.”

A small breeze came through the open window and played with my hair.

-          Rin…

Seoul

Seoul was the same. It was busy and filled with life. Stressed people going to their jobs and teenagers running to school. In the midst of it all I felt calm. The old familiar neighborhood was slowly coming to life. I knocked on the apartment door hoping to see the familiar face. Hoping that he’d still be there as he said he would.

-          Rin…

-          Shinbi!

Looking back now, I never once regretted my decision.

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THE END

i did a twist, and an unusual ending

I just felt like they should write their own story now hahaha

thank you so much for subscribing and following this story. I love you all.

I have other fanfics with Seung-Hyun as the main, so feel free to check them out,

until next time, cya <3