"You and I, we can never be.

But yet, I can't live without you."

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A raindrop falls on my cheek, mingling with the sole tear I've spilled. My watery eyes open onto the starry night sky. I can see for a long distance - expected, since I am in the middle of nowhere. The breathtaking dark blue canvas of stars stretches on until the end of the world. It makes me feel infinitely small.

I clutch my little blue charm to my chest. The slightly chipped bit of coloured seashell hangs by a strong piece of twine around my neck, accompanying me through the ups and downs of everyday life. I wonder at its sturdiness - it has hung stubbornly around my neck for five years. Five long, challenging years.

Five years to forget him.

Gritting my teeth, I force myself to sway my thoughts away from that forbidden topic. There is nothing to gain by thinking about the past, especially since the past is too painful. It is definitely better to think about happier things, things that are positive to keep you going; not hold you back. Those kinds of thoughts are what hold you back... you can't get too depressed in life.

But I can't stop thinking about the past. That's my undoing. Every time something goes wrong, every time something bothers me, his face pops up in my mind - and along with it, the mistake I made all those years ago. There is no way I will ever forget it. It's like it's stored in this little box near the front door of my mind. Every time something knocks into it, it topples over and spills its contents into my mind and I'll be forced to relive those painful memories.

That isn't the most fun thing to do. Often, I'll have to resort to drastic measures to get things back into their rightful places again. That's why I am here now. In this deserted prairie in the middle of nowhere, in the wee hours of the morning. I lean back against my sturdy tree, the refuge I still seek after five years. This is where I feel closest to him, and although I know it's not healthy for me, like a drug - I still seek it. I still come here, alone.

Why did you have to leave? Why did you have to break my heart?

Another tear slides down my cheek to join the first in a tiny pool in the center of my palm. Gleaming, the mingling tears sit together in the starlight. Sighing, I fold my knees and cross my arms on top of them. Within moments, my head settles down on my arms and I relax into my favourite sitting position. Tears still leak, out of control, onto my hands.

The piece of blue seashell digs into my collarbone, sending a stab of pain through my system. Gasping, I shift myself into a more comfortable position. Yet another tear slides down my damp cheek. It falls onto the grass, shimmering like a dewdrop in the rays of the rising sun. In it, black and white memories which my mind project, reflect themselves at me. Enthralled, I stare at them.

All of them - every single one - are of him. The boy who changed my life, and then left it in pieces. The boy who showed me what it's like to go through heartbreak.

Heartbreak. What is it, truly? My definition: heartbreak is the pain of having to see the person you love drift away from you. It's the pain of knowing that there is no way you can ever be with that person again, but knowing that there is no way you can live without them.

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I know we can’t go on, but

When I close my eyes, open them,

And see that you’re not there, I hate it

I know that we broke up

I hate this reality

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There's just this empty space where everything seems dark and depressing, where nothing seems to want to go. Nothing can fill that empty space - it's like it's only reserved for one person, and one person alone. There's nothing I can do to ease the pain, or the suffering, that one little empty space gives me. I just wish that I'd never met him, or that I could at least just remove his painful memory from my mind. That way, maybe I can live in peace.

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The tears I shed at night won’t stop

Now how can I live without you?

I can’t erase you from my memory

Baby can we turn back the time?

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The thing is: I don't even know how the break up happened. It was like we just.... drifted apart. But that's not possible! We were so close! We even wore couples' outfits whenever we went out together! And there was almost no minute of the day when we weren't apart! This break up was quite impossible. So how did it happen?

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Inseparable, the places the two of us were together

The matching clothes that the two of us wore

Everything is normal now, I cannot end like this

Just can’t let it go, you and I we’re meant to be

Break up for just a moment, you’re my destiny

Just a sad melody, let’s show love again

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My head flops back down to my knees as even more tears leak out of my eyes. At the rate I was crying, there'd be a flood at my feet within a few minutes. Raising my eyes to the night sky, I take a deep breath and let it fill my lungs. I sigh deeply afterwards, trying desperately to calm myself down. Will his memory continue plaguing me forever?

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This was never meant to happen

The ties between us weren't supposed to break

We were one perfect entity

And now we're reduced to lost souls

Now that my worst nightmares have become real

What do I have to defend?

Now that there's this void between him and I

What is there left to live for?

Her face is all I see when I open my eyes

Yet the empty space in front of me is real

The abyss of despair opens up now

I can't stand this, not seeing her there

His eyes still have me in their grasp

But I can't see him no matter where I look

Somehow, I've completely isolated myself

And the loneliness, unbearable without him

I have to go back and set things right

Maybe I should just give up on him

There's no way I will give up so easily again

It's been five years, why can't I forget?

I need to do this for our own good

Why can't I be brave enough to move on?

It's wrong to let her suffer there alone

He will never come back for me again

Maybe, she'll still be waiting for me?

But if he does, I'll still be here for him

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What am I thinking? There's no way at all that he would come back for me. I slap myself lightly on my head, aghast at the turn in my thoughts. Finally, I decide that I am just going to sit here until my brain starts functioning properly and I stop thinking about him.

=%=

I have to go. There's no other way my mind is ever going to be at peace.

Growling, I pull a hand angrily through my hair, frowning at its silky texture. I'd never wanted to do this. Always, the only thing I'd wanted was to be with her. Sure, I was young at the time, so I probably let the idea of fame get to my head. But now, I'd realised long ago that the one thing I'd truly wanted in life, I'd given up.

Snatching up a jacket, I walk out of the dormitory as silently as I can and stalk out of the looming building. The stars and moon winked sleepily at me from above, the only source of light in the midnight sky. I stroll over to the edge of the sidewalk and hail a passing cab.

"Seoul International Airport," I inform the driver as I pull the door closed behind me.

What I was doing could easily be considered crazy, whimsical and delusional. Of course, who's to say she'd even wait for me?

Shaking my head impatiently, I repeat to my conscience what had been running around in the back of my mind earlier. I'd made a mistake and left her in the dust to deal with it alone. Now, I have to go back and set things right. I'll never live with myself if I didn't at least try.

I nod my head at the driver as I pay and exit the cab. Taking a deep breath, I walk into the airport and confidently up to the desk of a travel agency. I am wearing nothing but the clothes on my back and carrying nothing but my wallet, which is filled with Korean currency and a little credit card with my monthly allowance. And my savings. That should be enough to get me a round-trip there and back.

Of course, I know where she lived. I know she'd moved off to the other end of the world - all to be away from the memories of the times we'd shared together, the shadows of the past that litter all the streets and places close to her - to us. The school hallways, her house, her bedroom, the roads between her house and mine... all of these places have memories of us. No wonder she ran away from it all - but I know how to find her, thanks to the countless times I've visited her parents.

They treat me like their son, just like my parents treat her as their daughter. That kind of relationship stands strong, and I am determined to keep it as strong through the years ahead. I will not make the same mistake I did with her. That was just rash. Now I know better, enough to keep the relationships I have going steady.

Besides, they are my only way of getting to know about her. They are now my only link to her part of the world, to her life.

But with luck, all that will change.

"One ticket to London, please."

By my calculations, I should touchdown in London at midnight as well.

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"Youngmin ah, where are you?" I sob from my position in front of the tree.

I lift my head up again, this time towards the road. Did I just hear what I think I heard?

No, it can't be.

I jump up at the sight of the impossible figure standing there, shouting my name.

"Youngmin!"

a/n: I heard Boyfriend's songs very recently, and I thought: why not give them some love? Because I think they're good and have alot of potential, even if alot of people don't really agree with me. Besides, this plot was inspired by their song, You And I, so I thought it only right that I dedicate this oneshot to them. The lyrics of the song are in this oneshot, but certain parts are what I've written, myself ( the part between Youngmin and the main character, where the text alternates between left-margin and right-margin. )

I hope you like it, and comment~

And I know that normally you'd be allowed to just take this out and use it as part of your plot, but in this case could you PM me before you do that? Thanks~

### Written on the 21st of June, 2011 ###