Listen to THIS while reading for some feels …

-III-

- Our feelings and memories can fall asleep
But not estinguish –

May 9

1:45 a.m

“Xia Lu...” mumbled Kris through the phone,  letting a sigh fall like from the sky. “Xia Lu...listen to me! Do what I say, okay? “

“Why...” , the blonde interrupted, feeling confused, but the boy from the other end of the line ignored him, finishing his sentence.

“Go to the kitchen and look at the notes on the fridge...Then sit down on the chair and wait for me in silence, but please ! Do NOT sleep ! Please, try no to fall asleep... I’m coming as soon as I can” , Kris ordered, speaking hurriedly, closing before letting Luhan realize the truth behind his words.

“Do what he told you to, hyung ... I’ll wait here. I’ll always wait here for you...”, said Sehun in a gently way, smiling at him with an innocent touch of immaturity.

Luhan began to become increasingly confused.  He didn’t understand Sehun’s attitude, neither Kris’s request, however, being supported by his boyfriend, he decides to do what he was told.

The boy stood up quietly and tired from his bed, and then, with tiny steps, sliding on the floor, trying to prevent not to fall or hit himself because of the furniture, he walked to the kitchen. The more he moved away from their room, the more he increasingly became confused...more lost. His heart was about to escape from his chest,  he even could hear how he was breathing slowly in the apartment that seemed so empty at that time. Was he alone? Of course not ! After all this time, he was with Sehun... Although he was kind of having the feeling  (the impression ) that his apartment no longer recognized him.Them.

Once he reached the kitched, he looked around , searching the notes on the fridge, and then began to read them one by one, each written in a different color.

First note:

March 13. Kris : Xia Lu ! Remember to eat regularly and take your medication on time! Pills are in the 2nd drawer, in the kitchen’s cupboard! Remember, 2 pills in every 8 hours !

The second note:

June 25. Kris : Yah! Xia Lu ! Don’t forget to get out of your apartment ! Take a walk in the park ! If I’m not there, then do not wait for him, and leave by yourself ! Please, try to have fun !

The third note:

October 14. Kris : Xia Lu .. I don’t know how many times must I repeat the same story..I sometimes feel that you just want to annoy me, though your mind accepted the truth a long time ago, your heart is still grieving. Wake up, Xia Lu! Wake up ! Eat ! Drink ! Argue with me or anyone ! Remember, whenever you need me..I’m here ! Here, did you understand?!

He looked carefully at that note and saw a phone number immediately after the message, written with dark-red.

The fourth note:

December 25. Kris : Luhan...You don’t know how glad I am that I could help you this evening and although I know you’ve been through so many things, it’s the first time you didn’t cry . I’m starting to believe that everything starts to have a sense. I’m beginning to think that my work was not in vain. Please remember ...

Last. It was the last one, but all of these made Luhan more confused, more lost than before. Why were the dates written in that order? He didn’t even remembered them, although he often passed by the kitchen in the recent days. Medicines? Since when did he started to take medication ? Sehun would certainly warn me about them, he thought. Fearful, but still wanting to ensure, he walked till the second drawer and opened it slowly, hoping that there will not be any medicine.

Suddenly, his heart stopped for a second, together with his almost-gone breathing. His eyes widened as soon as he saw dozens, maybe hundreds of tablets, some were empty, others still with pills in them. „ What’s going on ?!” , he whispered to himself once he felt that he could speak again.

He turned away abruptly from the drawer and sat down on the chair loudly, trying to stay awake. At that moment, it was like an amalgam of the afterlife, where all the things that he knew until then, would simply evaporate, leaving him a prey to the feelings of uncertainty and fear in his decisions. A simple traveler between two worlds, in which the boundary could be destroyed at any time emotionally onverwhelmed.

Luhan lost track of time at some moment, again. He looked around and did not realized what he was looking at. He was simply a lost traveller in space and time. He began to have hallucinations, like some rays of the moonlight that infiltrated through the window and turned into miniature ballerinas, dancing on the table. Or some of Sehun’s coffee cans , standing peacefully and chatting on the less dusty shelves where he couldn’t reach . Or even the leaves and petals of a flower on a shelf below that were shooking just like if the playfull wind was tickling them. But these were just the result of his tired mind.

He took a deep breath once. Twice. Three times. He couldn’t calm down at all ! The boy touched his chest and began to massage his heart in a clockwise direction. Then, he leaned his head back, hitting gently the wall behind him.

„Luhan?” , Sehun’s voice could be suddenly heard at the kitchen’s door. „ Before Kris’s arrival... I want  to recall you a quote you probably don’t remember that you wrote it yourself a long time ago... I’ve read it to you once, before, but ..” , he paused to sigh deeply, and then, after an infinite minute, he continued. „I want you to be very attentive, okay?

Luhan approved nodding slightly, almost invisible, but Sehun catched it and smiled, embracing his hyung.

„I wish I could live in my own crystal ball , lost in the riddle of life, where an innocent soul’s hopes are not trampled. I wish to be a silent traveller passing though the wind that would carry me everywhere and nowhere away. A lonely cloud traveling everywhere, in order to awaken the childish imagination of those who appreciate the aesthetic that surrounds them unbounded. A guide of thoughts losts in the immensity of the night, of dreams carried away on dangerous paths, of the little things whose attention is neglected, of lost smiles after disappointment and sadness. Of everyone...and of anyone. Actually, not anyone, but yours. Yours forever – Luhan – For Sehun.”

Before he realized, Luhan’s eyes, flooded with tears, already had closed, and after a short pause, Sehun continued:

„And you know what I replied? : Our feelings and memories can fall asleep, but will never extinguish... I want you to remember that . I want you to remember tomorrow when I’ll try to be here again. To remember yesterday, and two days ago, and a few years ago. To remember decades and over !”

Luhan again felt dizzy because of this situation. Immersed in his boyfriend’s words, again, he let himself a prey to the immeasurable time.

_ _ _ _

„Tell me you didn’t fall asleep, please ! Wake up ! Wake up, Luhan !”

_ _ _ _

„Hyung? Hyungyy...Wake up...Kris is looking for you! Wake up, hyung !

_ _ _

Slowly, the blonde started to realize what was happening around him. All he heard was the dead silence of the boundless night, and from time to time, the tired engine of a lost car , travelling on the deserted streets of the neighborhood in a hurry. But especially, Kris’s desperate screams.

He opened his eyes slowly, knowing that so far he was only daydreaming, not asleep, just like his friend told him not to do. Once he could actually see , he looked at Kris’s worried and scared expression.

„So..Why did you came?” , Luhan asked at one point.

„You weren’t  asleep?!” , asked the boy, astonished.

„No..Sehun warned me when you came...” , replied the blonde , cleaning his sweaty forehead.

„Xia Lu ...Listen to me , please... But first, look at the calendar on your nightstand ...” , said his friend,  helping his buddy to get up from the chair and walk towards their room.

„Why do you keep asking that ?! Here ! Look !” , Luhan told him in an aggressive way, showing him the „May 9” on his electronic calendar.

„ Xia Lu .. look more carefully, please... What year are we in ?” , asked Kris, making him to look slightly down from the day and month in which they were.

2020

May 9,  2020 .

„I think it’s broken ! We’re in 2013 !” , said Luhan, annoyed, and in the end he hit aggressively the calendar, throwing him into the wall, shattering it.

Kris gently placed Luhan on the bed and the bedside lamp to look at his puzzled face.

„Xia Lu...Sehun...Sehun died...He died 7 years ago, on this exactly day of May 9. After you went to the hospital with him, you stayed by his side until his last breath...then you collapsed.”

Luhan looked desolate at his friend, and after he realized what he said, his heart stopped for the 2nd time,causing him to put his hand on his chest, again. „He’s just kidding...”, he said to himself, laughing hysterically, then turned back to Kis, having his face covered with bitter tears, that formed deep and painful grooves.

„It’s not a good joke, Kris! Is it April 1st ?! Sehun hugged me a while ago !” , and then, after hitting his  friend’s hand, he looked at the silent place where Sehun once was.

„Sehun-ah! Sehun-ah ! Yah ! It’s not funny, you know ?! Get out from where you’re hiding!”

Luhan got up instantly from the bed, but was stopped by Kris’s strong hand.

„He’s not here anymore, Xia lu... It’s just your imagination and your love for him that keeps him up here next to you. So it was in the past 7 years. Do you even know how old are you now ?!” , he asked, making a brief pause, then he continued. „ You live the same three days from 7 years ago before the accident ! Days that you spent with Sehun..And today, 7 years ago , was the day you went to the airport to celebrate in Japan 4 years since you were together...”

Again, he took a short break for his friend’s sake.

„I told you the truth hundreds of times, I thought you finally managed to get over  ! Xia Lu ... He lives in your memory, do not let yourself as a prey, consuming your days...Listen, Xia Lu...” but it was all in vain. Luhan had to ensure that everything was true.

The boy got away from his friend’s embrace and then he began to rummage in tears his apartment.

„Sehun-ah ! Stop it ! It’s not a good joke, you !It’s not funny !” , he screamed painfully .

Luhan looked inside the closet. Sehun’s clothes were missing, although a trace of his perfume remained there. After, he hurried into the kitchen and looked carefully around, rubbing his eyes.  Illusion. The coffee cans were missing, being replaced by a small cup of silver, full of dust and stained with coffee . The coffee that HE drank yesterday ...or 7 years ago. 

He went to the notes stucked to the fridge , and started to read them carefully.

         March 13, 2014
         June 25, 2016
        October 14, 2018
        December 25, 2019

And those weren’t the only ones. The fridge was covered enterelly with notes from the last 7 years, all carefully hand-written by his friend, Kris.

Again, everything seemed just a dream . He started to wonder with who he talked in the last few days ? Who woke him up in the morning with a warm “Hyung” ? Who remembered him the trip to the mountain many years ago..? Who hugged and kissed him these days? Who ?

>Flashback<

“ With every breath  I take now... a little piece of my life is shutting down..But remember...With every memory of us that awakens in your heart and mind, a breath of mine is born. I promise..I’ll be here.”

“N-no..Don’t go..” but the words began to become increasingly silent, to a point where his trembling lips were moving without any sound.

“Our feelings and memories can fall asleep” , said the dying boy with an extraordinary clarity, and then, after a deep breath, even though he stopped twice, he continued, to the amazement of the blonde boy who was watching him, feeling his heart beating dangerously fast.

“...but not extinguish.”

>End Flashback<

Stoled by the silence that surrounded him, his imagination began searching hastily memories and moments spent in the recent years, with Sehun. Or with anyone. He used to be happy all day long with the redheaded boy or so he thought... He even almost forgot the pain and despair of 9 May 2013. All because of a delusion that controlled his life for the past 7 years. The illusion of their true love.

Suddenly, the well-known sound of his breathing caught his attention behind him at the kitchen door. Sehun . It was Sehun. Watching him guilty in tears, he approached him slowly, leaving between them a distance of only one meter. A meter that to Luhan represented a gap of thousands of miles.

„Over these years...I freely walked with infantile steps between reality and your infinite imagination. I learned so many things just admiring in silence because an incredible story can be spoken even by a simple strand of grass. How should we know that he fought for a long time just to feel the sunshine? Or how he proudly arises whenever someone trampled him, literally, but he was taught to not hold a grudge, but to look ahead? When we pay attention, we see things that a lot of people do not pay attention to in a lifetime. The accident 7 years ago was my fault. I chose that day. I chose Japan. You were happy as long as we were together, and I wish I’d realize that sooner. I’m so sorry that in the end I left you, my dear Xia Lu. I’m so sorry that I left you alone so early. My dear hyung .. With every memory of yours awakened in the last 7 years, you kept me here with you, although it affected you mentally and physically...”

„Sehun...”, the blonde finally managed to whisper, wiping the tears that didn’t allowed him to look at Sehun, perhaps for the last time.

„It’s time. It’s time to let me go, hyung . It’s time for you to look beyond May 9 of 2013. Hyung, our feelings and memories can fall asleep, but they will never extinguish. It’s time to let me live in my past and for you to live in your future. It’s time hyung...It’s time...”

„ Sehun…Sehun…Sehun! I don’t w...”, he stretched his trembling hand towards Sehun, but before he realized, the image of Sehun turned into dust. A dust that overwhelmed him in all the ways possible. His heart could barely resist and those damn water crystals were stopping him to look out for Sehun across the room. After a few seconds, his legs couldn’t resist more and he fell on the floor, starting to scratch his cheeks , scared. Screaming deeply.

„SEHUN-AHH!! SEHUN-AH ! Sehun-ah … Sehun…Se…S…” , but his voice began to crack because of his loud screams...until his lips turned into a slight blue and the air from his lungs was coming out aggressively from his mouth, but still, all he heard was just an endless and painful silence.

„I want my Sehun...I want my Sehun..” , he mumbled when he was finally able to speak, wiping the tears that were all over his face.

„Xia Lu ... I’m so sorry .. I wsih so badly for you to romember this day, but after falling asleep, you relive again and again those days. Xia Lu ...you’ll succeed only if you let him go .. Let him go, buddy. Sehun wouldn’t want you to be captive in the past..” , Kris whispered in his ear, helping him to sit on the chair.

The boy took a wet napkin and began to wipe his friend’s tears , especially the few drops of blood from the scratches that probably  didn’t even hurt.

„Let him go .../Let me go ..” , he heared them, talking at the same time.

Luhan lifted his face to Kris, and then, behind him, smiling through his tears, was Sehun. His Sehun.  His dear Sehun that now he was telling him to let him go. His Sehun that now he wanted to leave him,  breaking his promise. His Sehun with whom he shared his first kiss, his first night and everything he had, including his very own life.

„My life belongs to you, hyung ... Here...”, he said slowly, gently patting his chest twice, where his heart was.

„ They will never disappear, hyung . Our feelings and memories will never disappear... Tomorrow you will remember me just like you did today, yesterday,  7 years ago and in the future. Your future. Let me go, hyung ... Although you won’t see me, I promise I’ll be here, watching you.”

„I don’t want to ... I don’t ..”, mumbled Luhan, making Kris, who was holding his friend’s face between his palms,  more confused than he was before.

„Let me go...hyung ... I’ll be here in your shadow... I will not break that promise...”

The last. It was the last thing Sehun said before disappearing again, leaving only dust and air full of pain and sadness.

Luhan turned his gaze to Kris again, then he mumbled, though barely able to speak something with his husky voice from all the screaming:

„I know it’s not right ... But I don’t want him to leave..”

Smiling in the corner of his mouth, letting his tears moisten his lips, Kris replied sighing.

„ He will not leave you, Luhan ... You won’t see him, but he will always be here... Please, let him go ...”

„ Sehun ... My dear Sehun ...”, he muttered before closing his eyes and brutally fall in Kris’s arms.

„Xia Lu ... today is a new day. A day in which I hope you let him go once and for all...” , Kris whispered in his right ear and then he lift him off the chair, he put Luhan’s arm on his shouder and carried him to the bed in his room .

Kris put him carefully down and covered him with his blanket up to his shoulders as he liked. Then he sat down next to his friend who was deeply sleeping.  The sleep that may have send him back in the past .. or finally in the present.

_ _ _ _ _ _

A pleasant smell lured his senses, causing him to wake up in a state somehow enjoyable. But where was the unbearable smell of coffee ?  Again missing ? Again..

The blonde stayed in silence in his soft, but cold,  bed, wasting his time thinking about ..nothing.

„Hyung”... he spoke to himself, wiping the sweat from his forehead.

When the sun finally began to caress his face with his delicate heat of the morning, the boy finally opened his eyes, looking at the white ceiling, or at least it was supposed to be white. He sighed deeply several times, then he turned his gaze to the window.

„What a day ...”, he said quietly, barely hearing himself.

„Hyung ! Wake up, it’s late !”

He missed this. His Sehun.

The boy smiled at the corner of his mouth, then, ignoring the few tears that were gently pressing his cheeks,  he looked at the electronic calendar, trying to stop the annoying alarm which rang  for several minutes already.

7:03 pm.

March 15, 2021.

„Okay, Okay ! Hyung woke up , !”, laughed Luhan.

From the other room, trying not to break again plates or cups or bottles of milk, aggresive steps could be heard walking around back and forth, making a huge noise, worse than the alarm that Luhan just stopped.

„ Stop making so much noise, I said I woke up !”,  Luhan screamed, pretending to be angry.

With a laziness „inherited” from Sehun, the boy slowly got up from the bed , then walked to the balcony where he opened the door and leaned on the railing, admiring a new and exciting day, or at least he hoped it would be like that .

The car’s engine sounded aggressively on the streets. Hurried steps of Seoul’s residents created an annoying echo at this early hour and yet, it would wake him up to the reality he was now. He looked at the sky, then let himself spoiled by the friendly wind of the morning.

„Morning, Xia Lu ! „

----

„Morning... Sehun... I wonder what we’ll  do today?”, he mumbled, smiling like a little kid.

In that moment, a cherry blossom stopped on his lips. So gentle. So enjoyable and delicate. Like an unique and memorable kiss of Sehun.

„What?!” , asked a voice behind him. Hearing it, Luhan turned to him, took  the cup of tea that was brought for him and smiled.

„Oh! Good morning to you too, Kris!” , he laughed , and drank a sip of the mint tea.

I did it, Sehun-ah ... Although I know and I feel you here... I did it. I’m in my present now. I’m in my future. Our feelings and memories can fall asleep... but not extinguish!

T H E   E N D

PS: I'm sorry for my English mistakes, It's not my native language >_< ~