Break Even 

(Onew's POV)

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing.

Minho’s gone. He took my life with him when he packed up and walked out of the door. There were tears in his eyes. I caused them, I know. I had been neglecting him. I failed to listen to him. All I do is work, sleep and fool around. Who am I to do that to him when he needs me the most? Minho needed my attention. But I gave him none. We had argued for so many times already just this week. I had been shouting and I refused to listen to his side.

I even accused him of being an attention seeker. He had slapped me and that’s when things got messy.  

He’s all that I have. All I want is him. Minho’s my life. But I didn’t give him enough value that I lost him like this. Did I let him go that easy? No, it was his choice to break free from this suffocating relationship between us.

He finally met a man that’s gonna put him first.

I learned just two days ago that Minho’s getting married to Kim Jonghyun. I don’t know the guy that much. All I know is, he’s a very short guy. But apparently, for Minho, he’s better than me. He’s giving Minho all the love in world, showering him with all the riches in the world and making him feel all the happiness in the world. He’s giving Minho everything that I failed to give him. I guess this is what I get for being such a jerk.

I feel numb and hollow. I can’t say that my heart is aching because I don’t think I even have a heart. Minho had my heart but when he left, he didn’t bother to return it.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?

Since the day I met Minho, I knew that he’s going to play an important role in my life. I just didn’t know that he would mean this much to me. For two years, my world revolved around him. My world revolved around his beautiful smile, his beautiful face, his beautiful eyes and his soft lips. My world revolved around the sound of his laugh, the y way he walks, the way he pouts when he’s upset and the way he takes care of me like he’s my wife.

Two years of being with Minho brought out the best in me. He believed in me and I learned to believe in myself too. If he didn’t come along, I would probably drown in sorrow and despair. For two years, he became the most important person in my life. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me.

And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok?

I called Minho last night. I apologized for all the pain that I caused him. I apologized for neglecting him and for not giving him the love that he deserved. He replied with a blunt ‘okay’. I never felt so embarrassed in my whole life. It’s like I’m begging for his love. Well, I’m pretty sure that that’s what I sounded like when I asked him if he’s willing to be friends. Minho replied with a blunt ‘sure’ again.

I asked him how he’s doing and he told me that he’s been good. His life had been amazing and this month, he and Jonghyun are planning to adopt a child to complete their happy family. It had been awkward since I wasn’t able to reply properly because of the lump in my throat. I knew I shouldn’t have called. It just hurts.

 No wise word’s gonna stop the bleeding cause he's moved on while I'm still grieving.

I thought that Minho leaving me is the worst feeling that I could ever feel in my lifetime. But I was wrong. It was the aftermath of the break up is worse. Moving on. It’s the worst part. It gives you a lot of unnecessary pain, especially when the other moved on without even exerting half of the effort that you’re exerting. It’s the part where you have to face the pain. One more painful thing about moving on is that when you’re willing to finally move on, all memories will flood back. All the good times you spent with that person will come flashing back in your mind. Every little thing around you will suddenly remind you of that person and you’ll want to get out of there just to get rid of his memories.

All his favorite food would suddenly decide to have an advertisement on the TV. I had gone weary of trying to block the fragments of Minho’s breathy moans when I dream of him. His memory is haunting me. He’s a beautiful ghost that haunts my whole being.

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain.You took your suitcase, I took the blame. Now I'm trying to make sense of what little remains cause you left me with no love and no love to my name.

When Minho left, my whole family blamed me. My parents were really fond of Minho because he’s kind-hearted, caring, intelligent and beautiful. Despite him being a guy, they had accepted him. My father told me not to let go of Minho because someone like him is one in a billion. So yeah, when Minho left, my parents were disappointed that I hurt someone like Minho.

I wanted to protest that I was hurt too. I wanted to tell them that I’m also hurt and I’m still stuck in Minho’s memories. The pain is eating me like parasites killing me slowly.

So I guess it all ends to this. With me boarding a plane going to the other side of the world with a hope of forgetting Minho. Though I know it will be a long process, I’m willing to start with baby steps.