Jonghyun POV:

It scares me, how i think sometimes, some of the things i say to myself late at night. When no one can hear, when it's pitch black and the only sounds that could be heard is my sharp in takes of air as i attempt o fight of my own panic attack. 

It scares me how I'm happier in my dreams, how I'm even happier in my nightmares then in my reality. I'm scared of my infatuation with adrenaline and i guess pain. The images i put in my head to make my heart beat so fast and my blood pump to the point where i can hear the echo of it in my ears, even over the sound of my own screams. It screams me and i love it. I guess I have reached there point in which reality, has become the perfect excuse to go Insane. 

It started when i met him, he was obsessed with toying with pain, to the point in which he would be testing the Devil's patience. Still he was beautiful. No one understood him, or why i wanted him, but i just had to have him. He couldn't be anyone else's but mine. I wouldn't allow it. I wanted the smooth glide of his pale under my finger tips. To have his lips swollen and raw from my kiss, to have him look at me like i was the only thing keeping him here, like i was his savior. Like he knew i would always protect him, that i would never hurt him. 

Of coarse, i did though, and its slowly eating me. Driving me insane. To know that I'm the reason that his beautiful soft skin is now tainted with ugly scars. To know because of me he cant sleep a full night without nightmares. To know that its my fault he hates himself as much as he despises me. I don't blame him for hating me, i hate me as well. I hate myself because i wasn't there to watch him recover, i ran and it made everything worse, if that was even possible.

The power went to my head and now, all i have is constant tears as i watch him from affair. Slowly destroying myself. I can't even support my own family anymore, the only family i have ever had. Purely because of my own stupidity and Pride. Now i have to watch my own best friends, no, brother fight for our survival. Come home bleeding and bruised. With but a few hundred dollar notes in our hands. Now i only fear that one day, he will push himself to far.He wont get through school, he wont get the life he deserves, after all hes been through. 

A/N: Just a short update. 

Don't hate me.