“I’m a coward, Yifan. I’m sorry.

I love you.”

Nothing is working out for Yixing. He’s not able to focus on anything, neither his own thoughts nor practice. He tried forgetting about what happened a few days ago, he really did. But it’s impossible for him to get out the image of sleeping Yifan right next to him. And he doesn’t even want to think about imagining how the other must’ve felt after seeing his text message.

Yifan hasn’t responded, so Yixing is sure he doesn’t want to see him again. He messed up the chance he’s been waiting for and he hates himself for it.

He’s caught up in his own thoughts when suddenly, there’s a hand on his shoulder and he flinches. Yixing turns his head and looks at Minseok, whose brows are furrowed with worry. The elder nods his head towards the door of the restaurant they’re in and leans close.

“Do you want to go out for a minute and talk? You’ve been spacing out ever since you’ve came back.”

Yixing only shakes his head and shows a smile but obviously fake smile.

“I’m okay. I’m just a little tired from all those plane rides.”

“Ah….” Minseok doesn’t look like he believes him and Yixing doesn’t really put up any effort to cover up. It’s tiring.

“But if you do...tell me, okay?”

“I will, hyung. Thank you.”

This time his smile is a little wider and honest because he truly is thankful for any kind of support. He just doesn’t like bothering others with his problems. Especially not if those problems involve him sleeping with their former leader, who left them without a word last year. Yixing guesses it’s better to keep silent about it and simply blame it on his schedule.

He turns back to his food and continues eating, until his phone buzzes. He scoots back a little and checks the message.

text from: lu ge

i heard what happened.

Yixing chokes back the surprised sound that wants to escape him. All eyes are on him suddenly and he shows an embarrassed smile when he notices.

“Are you okay?” Junmyeon asks.

“Yeah…Yeah. I’m…okay. It’s just a text from someone. Nothing big.” Yixing waves his hands dismissively and shoves back his phone into his pocket. He tries so hard not to think about it but it’s difficult. After seeing the text from Luhan, it seems like time doesn’t pass at all. And he wants it to pass very badly, all he wants to do now is head back to his hotel room and call Luhan. He’s too curious about what he heard; about what Yifan might have told him. And he tries to ignore that feeling of guilt washing over him for not being the one telling Luhan.

When they head back to the hotel, the others ask him if he wants to hang out with them in one of the rooms but Yixing excuses himself with a small smile and a bow. His mind is anywhere but with his bandmates and he surely can’t think about having fun with them.

He locks the door of his room and leans against it, quickly dialing Luhan’s number. Luhan doesn’t even get a chance to greet him when he picks up because as soon as Yixing hears the clicking sound, he blurts out whatever goes comes through his mind.

“How did you find out what happened? Luhan, did he tell you?”

“Well hello to you too, Yixing. It’s nice talking to finally talk to you after you ignored every single one of my texts except that last one.”

Yixing feels like he’s getting kicked in the stomach when he hears Luhan’s words and the sound of his voice. He sounds angry, more than angry actually, and the worst thing is; he has every right to be. Yixing can’t even deny that he ignored Luhan’s texts about how the meeting went because he figured he’d get tired of it after a while. He did, but it didn’t make Yixing feel any better.

“I’m sorry…I—I really am. I didn’t know what to say to you…”

“How about: I’m sorry I ignored your texts because I was too much of a wimp to tell you that I ed up? No, you know what, not even that. You could have told me that you don’t want to talk about it and I would’ve dropped it. I’m disappointed in you.”

“Gege…”
“Don’t ‘gege’ me, Yixing. I had to wait for Yifan to tell me because you wouldn’t. But that doesn’t matter now, what matters is what you’ve done.”

Yixing is chewing on his bottom lip and he’s slowly pushing himself off the door to walk over to his bed. He lets himself drop onto it and leans against the headrest, eyes closed. He should have seen this coming, Luhan is stubborn enough to ask around until he knows everything.

“Instead of talking, like I thought you would, you had and then you ran off? Are you out of your mind Yixing? This wasn’t what I had in mind at all when I organized the meeting. What the happened? Was this some kind of ed up way to get back at him for leaving?”

“No! Luhan no, I would never do that to him and you know that…”

How is he supposed to convince Luhan if he doesn’t even believe his own words? Yixing would never hurt Yifan like this but maybe, just maybe, deep inside him there was a part that would. And that part took over that night; that part of him made him leave.

No. That is impossible.

Yixing shakes his head to clear his mind. It’s nonsense to think like that. He knows he wouldn’t do such a thing and that’s enough.

“I suppose you haven’t seen him yet? I have, Yixing, and let me tell you that he doesn’t look good at all. I didn’t expect a happy ending from that meeting but I didn’t expect you to him over like that.”

“Stop it! Stop making it sound like I’m the only one to blame in this! I’m not!”

Yixing cries out because by now, there’s this image of a hurt Yifan inside his mind and Luhan scolding him doesn’t make it any better. He doesn’t have any right to be offended but the fact that Luhan thinks Yixing is capable of willingly ing over Yifan like that is making him furious. It certainly does look like it to someone who is not involved, and Yixing knows that. It’s not that he’s denying the truth, he’s just not used to hearing someone else saying it. He doesn’t want to hear it, coming from someone else. Because blaming himself is making it easier to cope.

“I was scared, okay? I didn’t know what to do so I let myself go when I knew I shouldn’t have. I felt disgusting and I couldn’t bear seeing him after we---”

His voice is cut off by a quiet sob and he sinks into the pillows on the headrest.

“So because you were scared, you decided it was alright to leave him like that? With a text? Did you think that solves everything? Yifan wasn’t confident about this either, he was so scared he actually thought of turning around shortly before he entered the building. He thought you hated him and only agreed to meet him to tell him that. But no, you did even worse.”
“Please stop…”

Yixing is surprised at himself because he’s breaking sooner than he’d expected. Half of his face is hidden into the palm of his hand and he’s quietly sobbing into it. His voice breaks when he attempts to speak again and he can hear a loud sigh at the other end of the line.

“You’re a mess, Yixing. I never even dreamed of seeing, or more like hearing, you like this. This isn’t the Yixing I know, this isn’t the Yixing that wanted to fight for his relationship. You gave up.”

“I didn’t give up. I love him, Luhan. I love him more than anything else and I want to be with him, why don’t you believe me?!”

His voice breaks at the end of his sentence and he exhales a shaky breath.

“I’m not the one that has to believe you, it’s Yifan. You should tell him that.”

“I can’t…”
“No, I mean tell him.”
“Luhan what-- what do you mean?”

Luhan falls silent and Yixing can hear someone complain.

“Luhan…?”
“....don’t want to talk to him right now, Luhan.”

Yixing’s eyes widen and his breath hitches and suddenly, all of his words are stuck at the back of his throat. Everything happens way too fast but when Yixing hears his voice, he drops his phone and presses both hands on his lips. He can hear Yifan calling out for him, it’s muffled but at the same time it’s like he’s standing right next to him, his voice as clear as never before. He can’t talk to him, not like this, not when he’s on the verge of breaking.

Yifan gives up after a few times and then there’s an uncomfortable silence in Yixing’s room. Yixing’s eyes are fixed on his phone, the call is still not cancelled but he’s not sure if he can continue it when Yifan is on the other end. His hand is shaking when he reaches out to pick up the phone again and after taking a calming breath, he holds it back to his phone.

“If you’re wondering, Yifan just stormed out. I’m alone now.”

He feels played. Luhan should have told him that Yifan is in the same room, probably listening to their whole conversation.
“W--why didn’t you tell me that he was there?”
“You wouldn’t have talked to me if I had, and don’t even try to deny it. But I’m sorry I shouldn’t have passed the phone like that. Yifan obviously didn’t like it as well.”

“He doesn’t want to talk to me...”

“Are you surprised? Are you really surprised?”

He’s not.

“Do you want to talk to him?”

Yixing starts thinking. He does want to talk to him, but he’s not sure if he could. He couldn’t even handle hearing his voice over the phone so standing in front of him, actually talking to him...it seems like an impossible task for Yixing now.

“I want-- but…”
“No buts. I’m not accepting this. You’re going to talk and I don’t care if I have to personally drag you two together. I’m going to talk to Yifan once he’s calmed down and if he agrees, I’m going to text you his answer, alright? Because...I don’t think we’re gonna go anywhere with this phone call now.”

Luhan is right, Yixing is too much of an emotional mess to think rationally now. All that’s on his mind is Yifan’s voice, it’s like an endless loop that’s playing in his head.

“I’m sorry…”
“Rest. Take a breath and sleep. You can expect a text from me tomorrow morning.”

“A-alright. Thank you, Luhan…”
Yixing’s voice is merely a whisper but still loud enough for Luhan to hear.
“Sleep well, okay?”
“You too.”

Luhan hangs up and Yixing drops back his phone on his bed.

There’s a chance of him meeting Yifan. There’s a chance of him being able to make it up to him, in whatever way possible.

He’s certainly not getting any sleep tonight.

~

“What the was that?”
After Yifan hears Luhan saying goodbye to Yixing, he walks into the room and backs Luhan into the nearest corner. The smaller male stares up at him and doesn’t look as intimidated as Yifan had hoped he would.
“I was trying to solve this. Unlike you.” Luhan shoves at his chest and makes him step back so he could pass him.
“By simply handing me the phone? I told you I don’t want to talk to him on the phone.”

“Yeah you did but I thought it could be a start, so that it won’t be as awkward when you meet each other again.”
“It will be awkward anyways, you smartass.”
Yifan spits and links his hands behind his neck. “You only made it worse.”
“I did not. He wants to talk to you and he agreed on meeting you. You can thank me later.”
“He what—“

Yifan is startled by Luhan’s words and turns around to properly face him. He can’t possibly believe that Yixing would want to talk to him again after what he had said on the phone.

“Yixing agreed on meeting you. I had to talk him into it because he thought you don’t want to. Sometimes I forget that you are my age and that he is only one year younger because right now, you’re acting like a bunch of five-year olds fighting over nonsense.”

“Oh sure, because him running away from me after I’ve ed him is nonsense.”
“No, that’s not nonsense. But the fact that you’re not able to talk like two grown men is.”

Yifan flinches and bites down on his bottom lip to keep himself from responding.

“You love each other, what happened to you?” Luhan asks, brows raised.
“Distance happened, I guess. I don’t know. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Of course you don’t. At least tell me when you want to meet him, I told him that I’ll text him  the details tomorrow morning.
“Then tomorrow night. I don’t want to drag this on any longer. I want answers and I want to see him. It doesn’t ing matter what he did, I want to see him, Luhan.”

Yifan groans when he holds himself back from letting his feelings taking over him. He closes his eyes for a moment and turns around again, hands at the back of his head. It’s no secret that he’s been longing for Yixing ever since he left him, even more than before. He doesn’t really understand it himself, he’s supposed to be mad, angry even. But he’s none of that; he’s simply hurt. He was angry on that day but after he did some thinking he realized that he wasn’t quite innocent in this. He had enough opportunities to stop himself but he didn’t. And after that realization all that was left was the pain of being left behind and possibly losing the person he loved most again.

“Are you sure you can do this? I’m not going to arrange anything if you’re going to literally it up again.”
Yifan shoots Luhan a glare and the smaller male only raises his hands in defeat.

“I’m only looking out for you. Yes, surprise, I’m doing this for you. Maybe mainly for Yixing because I’ve always been looking out for him and I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon. But you’re my friend too and I can’t stand seeing either of you like this.”
“Well I don’t really feel like a king myself.”
“Then fix it. There’s only so much I can do. I can tell him where you want to meet but what happens afterwards is out of my control.”
Yifan nods and leans against the wall.
“I know that. I won’t it up. And I won’t let him it up. Not again.”