To say he’s nervous is an understatement.
He’s standing in front of the hotel room he’s been called to by Luhan and stares at the key card in his hands. That and the door are the only things that are separating him from Yifan. He’s close, so close and yet, Yixing still can’t seem to be able to move. Yifan is inside, waiting for Yixing. He’s probably been waiting for more than he expected, because Yixing has lost track of time and he actually doesn’t know for how long he’s been standing in front of the door, motionless.

‘This is it’, he thinks and takes a step forward to finally open the door. It clicks open and Yixing carefully enters. It’s dark inside except for the light that’s coming from the area where the beds are located. Yixing walks further into the room and then he sees him. He can see Yifan sitting on the edge of one the beds, staring out of the window across from him. He’s hunched over and has his hands linked at the back of his neck, not aware of Yixing’s presence at all.

Yixing stays still and watches him for a while, not sure how to do this. There are a thousand ways to start a conversation but none of them feel right, none of them feel appropriate for this. A simple apology wasn’t enough and breaking down in front of him was too much. Somehow, Yixing couldn’t manage to find the middle part. He was torn between doing either of the two, knowing that neither option would make it any better.

He sighs and it comes out a little louder than he had planned and Yifan sits up straight. Yixing’s whole body is tense when he notices and panics, tempted to run before Yifan could spot him. When the other turns around, Yixing in a sharp breath to prevent himself from blurting out what he’s been thinking of.

“You’re...here…”

Yifan’s voice is merely a whisper, as if he’s scared to raise his voice any higher. There’s a shiver running down Yixing’s spine, because it’s been so long since he’s heard that soft tone of Yifan’s voice that made his heart flutter. Yifan rises and fully turns to properly face Yixing and they stare at each other like that for minutes, but it feels like hours for Yixing.

His expression is different from what he expected. He thought Yifan would be angry and upset, but on the contrary, he looks timid. And it certainly isn’t better than seeing Yifan angry.  

He winces when Yifan’s eyes meet his and even though it’s dark, he can see him as clearly as never before.

“Yifan…” Now Yixing is the one to speak though his voice isn’t particularly loud either.

He has never seen the other like this, not even when he told him he’d leave. Yixing curls his fingers into the fabric of his sleeves and sinks his teeth into his lower lip because Yifan looks so broken and it’s all because of him. Never in his life did he think he would be capable of affecting another person that much. And it wasn’t even on purpose.

“I’m...sorry…”

That’s all that comes out of Yixing’s mouth because his mind is blank and he can’t think of another sentence. Apologizing to his own reflection while picturing Yifan was easy but this is the real thing, this is the real Yifan and he’s standing right in front of him. He was stupid to think that it could be that easy. He should have known.

“Is that all you’re going to say to me? You’re sorry?”

Yifan’s voice is stronger this time and Yixing can see that his hands are clenched to tight fists.

“I could’ve stayed at home if that’s what you wanted to tell me. A ‘sorry’ isn’t what I came here for.”

“I know, I—I just don’t know how to start…”

“Then let me start.”

Yixing nods and averts his gaze again. He knows he shouldn’t; looking away doesn’t really show Yifan that he really means it, nor does it encourage him to go on. But he can’t look at him, not yet.

“I didn’t come here to blame you for anything. I don’t know what Luhan told you, but that’s…not the reason why I asked him to arrange this.”
“You arranged this? But you said— “

“I didn’t want to talk to you on the phone because this isn’t something to discuss in a phone call.”

“I—I see…”
Yixing wants to be relieved but he knows he shouldn’t be. It’s reassuring to know that Yifan was the one to initiate this. But he doesn’t know the reason, so there’s no guarantee that this is a good thing or not.

“I only have one question: did you use me?”

“What— “

“Did you use me or not? Did you intend on leaving me behind after we had ?”

“N—no! Yifan, I didn’t. I would never use you for anything!”

“Then why didn’t you stop me, Yixing? I gave you so many opportunities to stop me but you didn’t. You didn’t even think of stopping me, did you.”

“No, that’s a lie, Yifan you know that— “

‘Is it really though?’ is the next thing that goes through Yixing’s mind and he presses his lips together because yes, it is a lie, and he knows that all too well. Stopping would have made it real and that was the last thing Yixing wanted to happen. They would have parted in something that might have been worse than this; awkward silences and maybe an agreement to never see each other again because clearly, they didn’t know how to handle the situation.

Yixing is tired of lying to Yifan. And to himself.

“You know what no…no it wasn’t a lie. Technically it was, but I never thought of going through with it.”

Yifan scoffs out a laugh and nods.

“So it was your plan from the beginning?”

“No! But what would have happened if I had stopped you? It wouldn’t have made it any better and don’t even try to deny that. It wouldn’t have made any difference, Yifan.”

“Yes, it would have!”

“Really? Mind telling me what you think could have happened?”

Yifan doesn’t say anything. Of course.

“See? No difference. Absolutely none. And that’s the problem.”

Yixing swallows dryly and finally, he looks back up at Yifan with a sad smile.

“There’s no way to fix this. There’s no way to fix us.”

Tears are building up in the corners of his eyes but he doesn’t try to stop them from falling. These are the sad remains of their relationship, the sad remains Yixing has been clinging to ever so desperately because he didn’t want to give it up for anything.

“If we can’t even stay in the same room without messing it up, then how are we supposed to continue this?”

“Yixing stop— “

“I’m tired, Yifan. I can’t do this anymore…”

Yixing takes a few shaky breaths, it’s getting difficult to stay calm and collected when he decides to leave Yifan behind in a hotel room once more. The only difference is; he’s going to tell him why. He won’t leave without giving him an explanation. And this time, Yixing won’t come back to make it right again.

“I came here to apologize, I wanted to make it up to you because that’s what you deserve but the truth is; an apology isn’t even enough. You deserve someone w—who wouldn’t even let it get this far, someone who can promise you to not hurt you. And…” Yixing takes a deep breath. “…that someone isn’t me.”

“Shut up. Yixing just shut up.”

When Yixing opens his mouth to continue, Yifan interrupts him again.

“Are you even listening to yourself? Do you know what you’re saying right now?”

“Yes, I do. Let’s end this, here and now.”
It hurts saying it, more than he imagined. He wants to take it back the moment he’s done saying it but it’s too late for that now.  

“No. We’re not ending anything.”

Yifan shakes his head and takes a few steps closer to Yixing.

“I can’t do anything to make up for what I did. Ever. And I can’t live with that guilt, nor can I live with the fact that I might do it again. I can’t, Yifan, please understand that I’m doing this for your own sake— “

“For my sake??!”

Yifan almost shouts and Yixing falls silent immediately. He stares at him, wide eyed and obviously taken aback by his reaction.

“Are you serious, you’re doing this for my sake? Did you even consider asking me what I think about this?”

Yifan continues walking towards Yixing until he has backed him against the nearest wall, the smaller male looking up at him almost in fear. Yixing presses his back further against the wall as if he could slip away but Yifan has both his hands on either side of his body, making it impossible for him to get out.

“You’re not doing this for me, you’re doing this to make yourself feel better, don’t you?”
“Yifan, please don’t— “Yixing shakes his head and his tone is pleading.

“No, I’m sick of this. You keep on making decisions for the both of us, how about you let me have a say in this? And don’t tell me you actually want to end this, because I can see that you don’t.”

Yixing wants to look away but Yifan’s eyes are on him and his gaze is so intense it’s drawing him in. The taller male lets out a few heavy breaths and Yixing presses his hands on Yifan’s chest to prevent him from coming any closer. The last thing he needs now is give in to Yifan, he already knows where that leads to. This isn’t what he wanted, he didn’t expect Yifan to talk back at him, he expected him to understand and accept it. But it was probably too selfish of him to think that. He continues trying to push away Yifan but the other doesn’t even think about backing away.

“No, of course I don’t want to end it! I c—can’t imagine being without you but I don’t want to continue hurting you either!”
“Stop pitying yourself, for god’s sake!”

Yifan groans in frustration and slams his hand against the wall next to Yixing’s head. Yixing squeezes his eyes shut and whimpers, arms wrapping around his own body. It’s quiet, neither of them say a word and Yixing is feeling more than uncomfortable. He doesn’t dare to open his eyes yet but when he hears a silent sob, he carefully tilts up his head and glances at Yifan, whose head is right next to his. He has his forehead leaned against the wall and Yixing can see that his lips are pursed and his eyes are closed.

“Yi— “He doesn’t even get to finish pronouncing the elder’s name because he’s on the verge of crying and he reaches out to grab at Yifan’s shirt with shaky hands.

Yixing hides his face against the fabric and decides to let it happen. It’s starting to get exhausting to hold back and fight against what is going on inside of him.  So he gives in to it instead and starts crying, his fingers tightly curling into the other’s shirt. After a while, Yifan wraps his arms around him and it makes him sob even harder because Yifan is still comforting him, despite his actions. He’s holding him against his chest, despite the fact that Yixing wanted to break whatever is left between them just a few moments earlier. Yixing is murmuring apologies against Yifan’s chest and with every word he says, Yifan tightens his hold around the younger.

“Stop apologizing. I don’t need to hear any more of those. I’ve forgiven you already.”

Yixing lets out a louder sob and he practically collapses against Yifan when that feeling of relief is washing over him and it’s so sudden and too overwhelming. The older holds him even tighter now, to keep him up on his legs and makes him lean against the wall again when he himself pulls back to look at Yixing.

“You’re…really forgiving me…?” The younger repeats and looks up at Yifan in pure disbelief.

“You’re far too precious to me to let go of you just because of one mistake.”

Yixing is still staring but slowly, his gaze is getting softer and he can feel the corners of his lips curl into a small and subtle smile.  

“So please…don’t let go of me either.”

It’s only now that Yixing realizes that Yifan has been crying as well. He hesitantly reaches up a hand and gently wipes a tear away with his thumb, all the while shaking his head. There aren’t enough words to express how glad he is about Yifan not giving up on him, so he hopes his gestures are enough for Yifan to understand.

Yifan kisses his forehead, his lips lingering on Yixing’s skin and the younger closes his eyes, simply enjoying the embrace. It’s been too long since Yifan had held him like this and he doesn’t want this to end anytime soon.