Share something you struggle with.

One of the many things I struggle with is being a disappointment to my dad mostly... 

I struggle being scared because I'm not doing good enough. 

I struggle with trying to do my best and in the end... 

I feel like I'm not enough. 

I went to high school struggling with being depressed and I had a hard time trying to be happy at school and at home I would just be alone and watch TV to keep my mind busy by doing homework or sleeping. 

After High School, I started college a bit late... I didn't want to go. I wanted a year off. But my dad didn't let me have it. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I was just taking the basics for English to get better at writing. But I didn't end up finishing it. I started on Early Childcare for Young Children. 

Now, that I know what to do. I'm taking my time because I'm working. But my dad is rushing me to finish now. First he would always complain that I didn't have a job and that I was just being lazy going to school and come back home. He would give me money every once in a while. Then I took a year and half off from college because I needed to clear my mind and relax. I just felt pressure of so much going in me. 

I wasn'y being happy like I was..

I always had a poker face and could only be myself when I'm in my room. 

I started to volunteer at a Early Head Start. Then I got offered a job. (Which is the one I have now). I've been happy going to work and being with kids (Despite being sick by them.) I enjoy my job. Now that I'm working my dad was like "Ok.. get your back to school.." So I took my time and I went back this past year. I forgot that I kinda missed it. I didn't think I was going to make a friend but I did. So that was a plus. In class I'll just sit quietly and listen. But the girl in front of me start talking to me.

Now that I'm in school and working.. my dad now tells me "Now you gotta hurry up and finish college! You're taking to long!" 

Well.. damn.. what can I do to make him be pleased? Why am I the one that has to deal with that? My brother dropped out of high school and didn't go to college because he thought he was dumb (which was really dyslexia - I have it too) and he works and has a family but my dad doesn't tell him anything. But for me he does.. its like "What the heck!?" 

So on my feed... I mentioned.... I hit a bump dealing with work and it turned out that...in May 17th, all staff from the Head Start, we were all FIRED.... We lost our jobs... like really lost them. They fried everyone from all other centers. I cried for two days because I didn't realize how precious my job was to me.. I didn't tell my dad about the news because I didn't want him to tell me... something bad like.. "You see! This is why I tell you to hurry up in college for your degree!" I get that he has a point but I can't be taking 4 classes and working full time. I'll brust and stress out more. 

This semester was stressful on my online assignments...I was lucky I passed it! 

But thankfully, I did tell him about my job and he told me he was sorry to hear that.. then he was given me advice to look in another place to work but I ended up telling him that there was going to be a job fair for us with the new managment for work. May 23rd, I went to reapply for the position I ahd before and everything went well. I called my dad and told him that I have my job back.. and he was happy. 

So its like in ways, it depends.. my dad makes me feel like crap and I STRUGGLE with it.. and some days he doesn't. 

But in some point in life, we all feel a disappoinment to our parents, being scared not being successful, and not being good enough to them. Parents want us to be better so we won't struggle later, but the weight they give us mentally doesn't help. It makes it worse. 

That struggle probably won't go away until I graduate from college... I got a few years left. 

I'll just keep taking it one step at a time. 

A/N: Day Eight... I don't like sharing the deep stuff but sometimes its better to talk about it then keep it in.