Youngjae slumps against the wall in his bathroom, and let’s himself slide down until his hits the floor because his legs can no longer hold him up. He looks down at a positive pregnancy test in his hand and a fresh wave of fear and panic assails him.

His heart leaps to his throat just thinking about becoming a parent. The situation is so chilling that Youngjae can’t even find the strength to cry despite the strong urge to do so. While it’s true that Youngjae is now 24 and not exactly that young, it’s also true that he is not ready to have a child at all. It’s nothing he’s even thought of in the past.

Youngjae likes his life as it is. He goes to his awful job as a cashier at a men’s wear retail store every morning, and he comes home to Jaebeom, his boyfriend of 3 years. Sometimes they have fun times here at their shared apartment and other times they go out alone or with friends. Youngjae likes that life and now all that could change.

His heart lurches again at the thought of his boyfriend. Jaebeom has mentioned kids or starting a family together but in the future, not now. Youngjae fears for how he’ll react when he finds out that that future has been pushed forward. Will Jaebeom be disappointed? Mad? Will he panic and tremble inside like Youngjae is right now?

Youngjae knows he has to tell Jaebeom some time, but just not yet. Not until he has gathered some semblance of sanity and strength to have that tough conversation.

So for now he gets back up on wobbly legs and makes his way out of the bathroom because no matter what he can’t hide in here for forever. Life has to go on and he has to try to be strong. 

 ********

“Should we stay in today?” seated on the bed and without looking up, Jaebeom asks when he hears Youngjae step out of their adjoining bathroom. “I was thinking we could go to the wax museum. Yugyeom tells me it’s fun.” he finally looks at Youngjae and gets startled by how pale and shell shocked Youngjae looks, standing at the bathroom door and leaning against it. Jaebeom gets up from the bed and goes to Youngjae, regarding him nervously. He takes Youngjae’s hand, “are you okay? What’s wrong?”

Youngjae blinks very slowly and whispers, “No I’m not okay.”
“What happened?”  

Youngjae’s lips are quivering so much that he can’t get a single word out. The weight pressing hard on his chest threatens to make him burst into tears at any moment. “Could you just hold me?” that’s all Youngjae can manage to say for the moment.

“Of course.” Jaebeom steps forward and puts his arms around Youngjae, holding him close.

Youngjae winds his arms around Jaebeom then he nestles his head against Jaebeom’s shoulder and finally allows his tears to flow. 

*********

Mark is like an older brother and support figure to Youngjae, so of course that’s exactly where Youngjae runs to at a time like this.

Youngjae catches Mark at his place the following day in the morning just as he is about to go to gym.

Mark takes in Youngjae’s frazzled state and assumes right away that whatever is wrong must be a serious issue. He takes Youngjae’s hand and leads him to the living area to sit down on the couch. “What brings you here unannounced?” Mark asks and then rushes to add. “Not that you’re not welcome.” 

“Hyung I’m pregnant.” Youngjae blurts out, just barely able to contain his tears.

Mark goes from stunned surprise to glee and then he throws his arms around Youngjae. “That’s great news.” He pulls back to face Youngjae again. “Is that why you rushed here? To tell me that I’ll be the child’s godfather? I accept this responsibility.”

Mark’s reaction is so over-the-top that Youngjae gets momentarily thrown off kilter, but he catches himself and shakes his head. “Godfather? I haven’t thought that far. I haven’t even told Jaebeom hyung.”

“Why not? I think he’ll be happy with your choice of godfather.”

“Hyung, I’m scared. I don’t know if I’m ready to be a father. I don’t know if Jaebeom hyung is ready. I’m even afraid to tell him-”

“Alright alright, calm down.” Mark soothes, giving Youngjae another hug. “Take it easy.”

Everything is so sudden and so scary.” Youngjae whispers shakily, letting his head drop on Mark’s shoulder and soaking up the comfort his hyung is offering.

Mark pulls back and holds Youngjae at arm’s length. “There is nothing to fear about your upcoming parenthood. I love kids and I will diligently help you wherever and whenever I can as the godfather.”

Youngjae’s jaw drops. “Are we still on that? hyung-”

Mark cuts off whatever Youngjae is about to say, “I will repay your trust in me. You can rest assured that I’ll make up for whatever shortcomings you and Jaebeom will have as parents.”

“But hyung this isn’t about-”

“You’re worried about telling Jaebeom that I’m your choice of godfather. I get that, but don’t worry. Go on and tell him. I’ll work hard to prove to him that you’ve made the right choice.” 

Youngjae stares at Mark with his mouth gaping in shock. He can’t believe how this conversation went in a direction so completely different.  

********

Youngjae wishes he wasn’t desperate enough to seek advice from his boyfriend’s younger brother Yugyeom and said brother’s moronic boyfriend BamBam, but here Youngjae is anyway because life is a .

And also because of how weirdly unproductive it was talking to Mark about this issue.

Youngjae has to buy Bambam and Yugyeom’s ears by treating them to lunch here at their favourite steakhouse. The smell of meat is making Youngjae’s stomach twist in all the wrong ways and he is really trying to hang in there so that his friends don’t wonder why he is suddenly so irritated by what used to be one of his favourite foods.

“A salad?” BamBam raises his eyebrows at Youngjae in question, after they all order their food. “Aren’t you having any meat this evening?”

“I don’t feel like it.”

The looks Yugyeom and BamBam exchange actually appear to be of concern.

Yugyeom brings his gaze back to Youngjae. “You seem off, hyung. Does it have to do with what you want to talk to us about?”

“A lot actually.”

“Should I pour you a drink to get us all relaxed? You seem so tense.”

“I can’t drink either.” Youngjae announces, causing the other two to double back in shock. Their reactions make Youngjae momentarily wonder whether all he consumes is meat and alcohol. Perhaps there is a plus side to this pregnancy which is that it might help him eat better.

“No offence hyung, but you’re being a serious killjoy.” Yugyeom throws at Youngjae

Youngjae ignores that, wanting to get to the point before he loses his courage entirely. “What I’m about to tell you guys is very important and I hope it’ll stay among just us. You can’t tell anyone else, not even Jaebeom hyung.”

“I don’t know, hyung.” Yugyeom looks and sounds doubtful. “I love you and all, but my loyalty lies with my brother. If he questions me about anything, I will cave.”

“Almost immediately.” BamBam emphasises like it’s necessary.

Proceeding with this conversation seems like a high risk decision but Youngjae is also desperate especially after Mark wasn’t much help. “I’ll still trust that you guys will try to keep my secret.”

“What’s the big deal anyway? Did my brother knock you up?” Yugyeom chortles and Youngjae winces.

Bam Bam joins his boyfriend in laughter and they both cackle away as if they’ve just heard the joke of the year.

“Yes, that’s exactly it.” Youngjae deadpans but they continue laughing, obviously thinking he’s joking. “I’m not kidding.”

This time the reality of the situation appears to sink into both Yugyeom and Bam Bam, and their laughter dies down as they look at Youngjae with in increasing joke with each second that goes by.

“What?” Yugyeom splutters and then he and Bam Bam glance at each other wide-eyed. 

“I’m pregnant.”

Bam Bam gasps and then suddenly bursts into gleeful laughter. “Congratulations, hyung.”

Yugyeom smiles as well once his initial shock has passed. “This is great news. Why don’t you want my brother to know?”

“I’m not sure he wants a baby right now.”

“Have you asked?”

“It’s scary. I’m afraid of the answer to the question. I’m not even sure I’m ready for the responsibility of having a child. It’s driving me crazy.”

BamBam nods sympathetically. “I get that. The answer is simple though.”

“Really? What’s that?” Youngjae asks, feeling a surge of hope rise in his chest.

“Adopt a positive mind and heart and you’ll be surprised how that will change your life in a good way. Positive thinking gets rid of 90% of your problems.”

Youngjae deflates immediately. “I’m already pregnant. I don’t think I can think positively enough to get rid of such a problem.”

“See now that’s that negativity that will get you nowhere. Positivity y