Onew - Shine On You

The Anxiety - Meet Me At Our Spot

Key - Eighteen (End Of My World)

Glistening light bathed Jinki's face when I opened my eyes. It was the kind of orange light that brought its final farewell to the dark red and drifted gently and carefully into yellow, still restrained but certain that it was the right way to go.

Warm and cosy, it wetted his sleeping face and underlined the sepia hue of his complexion.

Ease rose and fell in his chest.

The turbulence of the previous night was no longer visible on him.

And within me, too, I felt deep peace. I didn't understand. I should have been ashamed, should have turned to the other side. But I couldn't help watching Jinki sleep.   

It was a beautiful sight.

Jinki was beautiful.

The cracks that the last year had inflicted on me were too many. They were so deep and wide that all my feelings turned to tears and my dam broke.

And despite these scars in me, I felt no pain when I woke up.

Jinki had taken me into his arms and wrapped them protectively around me, over each of my cuts.

I don't know why I felt this deep sense of serenity. Maybe I had let out all my feelings the last night in floods of sobs, that now I couldn't feel anything anymore.

Or maybe it was Jinki who gave me this profound serenity just with his company, with his unconditional love for me.

And maybe I was too young then, too dumb to even consider the latter. 

"Good morning." He whispered to me as his eyes met mine wearily but with a gentle smile.

"Good morning." I whispered back.

For a moment we just lay there, on my bed, where I had cried in his arms last night. We looked into each other's eyes and enjoyed the silence together.

It was as if the storm had passed and we had both found safe harbour again, quiet and peaceful.

I sat down on the bed with a heavy body and Jinki did the same. My eyes fell on the wonderful cake we hadn't touched last night.

"Unconventional." I said with a grin, amused at my own thought.

"But a breakfast." I giggled as I lifted the cake onto the bed. Jinki had to laugh too, it sounded like music to me.

Softly, the cake settled on my tongue and filled me with comfort. The delicate sweet smell still filled the whole room. 

The cake tasted like our morning had been. Cosy and like home.

"Taemin..." only slowly did Jinki say my name, quietly breaking the silence. Just the way he said my name showed me that it was important to him. And just as he showed me that he listened to me and was there for me, I wanted to give him the same tenderness. My eyes fixed on his.

"I know you don't like me the way I like you..." he began. My heart constricted slightly at his words. I wanted to give it to him. I wanted to give him the feelings he had for me. But I couldn't.

As the sun rose, the memories of Minho came to me back once more.

 "...But...would you be okay with us staying friends?" Hopefully, Jinki's eyes shone in the morning light of the new day. I couldn't help but smile at him.

He accepted me with all my feelings towards him, even if I couldn't mirror his. 

How could I have ever said no? How could I ever have lived without Jinki by my side?

I knew I could trust Jinki. He wasn't out to seduce me. He wasn't lying in wait to take advantage of me in my vulnerable moments. He just wanted me in his life. And I wanted him in mine. 

"I want very much be your friend." I said truthfully. One another we gave a smile and both believed it would work out.

Being young makes you believe in a hope that doesn't really exist.

September still had a few warm days left for us, but eventually these too were over. We had to swap our shorts for jeans, put jumpers over our shirts. The days became shorter, the nights darker.

It was gloomy when I looked out of the window one day. The clouds had gathered, the wind was blowing strong gusts. The different hues of grey in the sky reminded me of the boat that I missed so dearly.

Before long, winter would come again and I wouldn't really have a chance to visit my world again, so I grabbed a book of poetry by E. E. s, put on something warm and was about to set off.

"Jinki?" I asked confused as I opened the door, the corners of my mouth shooting up quickly when I saw he was holding two trapezes in his hands. 

"I was wondering if you'd like to?" he held up the colourful kites. Wide strings of different colours hung from one, I imagined how beautiful they would look once they glided over the skies. 

It's not that I didn't want to spend time with him. But I wanted to enjoy the time in my world while I still could. I wanted to sort out my thoughts, and at the same time distract myself from them.

But I also wanted our friendship to feel normal again. I didn't want to be closed off and hurt him further. I had told him that I would like to be his friend, and I wanted to stick to that.

"Only if I get to let this one go up." I said mischievously and took the beautiful kite in my hand. I let the book slide into my pocket, even though it was still sticking out and not very comfortable to walk with.

I left the book on the asphalt. Some children were already flying kites, whether with friends or their parents, the square by the harbour was alive with shouts, laughter, sounds of the wind and the light rumble of the sea. 

Jinki wrapped a line around the spool of my kite.

"Taemin!" he called me, quickly I made my way to him.

"Here." He gave me the spool and the kite, and then got his ready too.

"The wind is blowing that way so..." he turned, I followed suit. He put his kite on the ground and took a few steps backwards.

"Now watch this!" he shouted to me before quickly pulling on the line and walking backwards slowly, but getting faster and faster.

His dragon rose lithely into the air. In an instant, the grey sky was covered with another splash of colour.

Jinki's dragon was bright green, reminding me of the green I could glimpse in deepest summer when I look into the dense treetops of my world. Bright and radiant, it shone down on me with the promise of light warm sparks of sunshine wetting me.

"Let it rise higher!" I called to him. He nodded eager to overtake the many small shapes around him.

"Oh my God!" My gaze followed the bright green as it grew smaller and smaller, soaring ever more wildly through the air.

Captivated by the sight, I was no longer aware of anything around me. But then the kite descended lower, and lower. My gaze, confused and disappointed, went back to Jinki. The line hadn't ripped, so why was he pulling it back?

But my puzzlement quickly faded and turned into softness when I saw that Jinki had pulled the kite back to give it to a little boy. His little face was red around the nose and he wiped his eyes with his hands. They grew huge when Jinki handed him the spool. The father thanked Jinki profusely and the little boy had a laugh for the world again.

"That was very sweet of you." I said and felt my heart beat a little faster when he was with me again.

"But I won't give mine away!" I joked with a naughty smile, trying to cover my feelings, especially in front of me. Jinki had to laugh at my devilish streak. I always liked to look at him when he laughed.

"I'll give it a try now." I said eagerly and put my kite on the ground. I took a few steps back, held my string tightly and started walking.

"Jinki!" I called out to him, my eyes caught by the bright colours of the flying trapeze. Quickly it rose, the strings trailing behind it drew little rainbows in quick and many patterns. 

And then nothing else existed for me. I followed the small rotations. Like an extended hand, I could pull and hold the thread to do little tricks. But that was not enough for me. Slowly, careful not to lose control, I let more and more line off the spool. My kite climbed higher and higher, its loops became bigger and faster. With each piece of rope, it became harder and harder to control. With all my strength I held against the wind. But a blast came out of nowhere and pushed my kite to the other side. Uncontrolled, without destination, it flew in all directions. I could hardly hold on to it.

And then I felt warm hands wrapping around mine.

"Don't let go!" I heard, but my heart echoed louder as his words rang in my ears. My hands softened and my grip loosened around the coil, Jinki was now in pure control and I let him have it. He nestled against my back, protective and warm. And me, I didn't fight it.

"Oh my God, look!" my gaze wandered upwards from the blankness.

Solidified, our kite flew through the air once more, soaring above all the others.

"You did it!" I exclaimed, trying to get a firm grip around the spool again.

"We did that together." He whispered in my ear.

Heat rose to my face and flooded through my body as his breathing hit me. I finally lost all strength and let go of the coil.

"Oh." I heard behind me.

The kite flew and shot high into the air until we could no longer see it. The string was quickly back on the ground. Jinki let go of me but the heat inside me did not fade.

I can't tell who laughed more that day, Jinki or me. I know I hurt him, and sometimes I think I don't deserve it, but to this day I remember that day fondly. Everything was so carefree and easy. Every day I try to breathe the same air as back then, I try to remember Jinki's smile, his bright eyes, the colours of the dragon and how they stood out against the gloomy grey of autumn.

And for a brief moment I can see it all again, feel it all again, the cold, how hard the wind pulled on the line, Jinki's hand on mine. Despite the cold, it was so warm, so soft.

And then, as quickly as the string snapped, I come back to reality....

After weeks I had time to visit my world. The leaves slowly changed their colours. The dense green became soft orange, bright yellow and radiant red.

With the increasingly cold weather, more guests have been inside rather than outside. That meant putting on more coffee and tea, serving more food and snacks.

The time I wasn't working I was sleeping or spending it with Jinki. But the more time I spent with him the more sorrow I felt. I understood myself less, I understood us less.

"in the rain-

darkness, the sunset

being sheathed i sit and

think of you"

                      - E.E s

I tried to concentrate on the words in front of me, but to no avail. Again and again something reminded me of Jinki. My thoughts circled around him. They circled around his warm embrace, his bright smile, his shining eyes.

But next to this sunlit image was another, visible deep in the dark distance.

Saddened eyes looking at the ground, this ground, sitting next to me, listening to my words. Wrapped in haze, but I would always recognise him.

I closed the book and let my face fall into my hands.

In October, Jinki and I went to collect chestnuts. His father needed them to make sweet chestnut bread.

Armed with baskets, we walked along the avenue behind our resort.

My gaze slid along the small hidden path that led to my world.

For a long time I had been thinking about showing Jinki my world. But the thought was displaced by the reality that the place was meant only for me and Minho. Only our voices should resound there. It was all I had left of him.

But not telling Jinki about something that was so important to me felt wrong.

"You're an old grandpa when it comes to collecting chestnuts!" Jinki shouted at me and demonstratively threw a handful of chestnuts into his basket that was already well filled.

"Just you wait!" I shouted back and hastily began to pick some up and throw them into my basket.

 Jinki let go of his basket and came running to me.

"What are you doing?" I asked him puzzled as he threw one chestnut after another into my basket.

"There!" he said after a few. "Now we are even." He gave me a smile and went back to his basket. I had to smile at his behaviour. That was just the way he was.

We wanted to make a race out of it to see who could fill his basket first, but we quickly got distracted by all the little different shapes.

At some point it was all about who could find the biggest, the smallest, the funniest shape.

Concentrated, I looked at each chestnut and inspected it to see if it fit into one of the categories. I found a big one, it had a smooth dent and looked a bit like a heart. I had to smile at my find.

"Jinki!" I called to him and held it up, but Jinki didn't move. He stopped in front of one of the trees and looked at it. I came closer, walked slightly around him and followed his gaze. But I did not understand the fascination behind his stare.

On one tree, two letters were carved inside of a heart.

'T + N'

"Someday...I want to do that too." He said, his gaze fixed lovingly on the letters.

"But...you can?" I said a little confused at his statement.

"Did you bring a pocket knife with you?" I asked him, but he just shook his head.

"That's not what I mean." He said and sighed slightly.

I had to swallow.

The lightness had escaped me. I understood what he meant and felt flushed with embarrassment. Because I knew he would love to do it to me. That it would be our initials engraved in there forever.  My gaze slid to the floor, hoping he didn't notice the blush in my cheeks. 

"Oh." He took my hand and turned the palm upwards.

"That one looks like a heart."  He smiled.

"Guess you win."

The week before Halloween, we started wrapping the hotel in spooky decorations. Jinki had kindly agreed to help us. 

The year before, I couldn't enjoy the scary season. And even though I still often caught myself looking out to sea and searching, I was in the mood and had the energy for horror.

"We just shouldn't have cleaned the whole of October, then I wouldn't have had to spend money on fake cobwebs." Said my father jokingly and we all laughed together.

"We'd have to have bigger spiders here for cobwebs that big." I said, tying the grey, light piece of fabric to one side of the ceiling.

"Yes, as big as Shelob!" said Dad and we both had to laugh out loud, only Jinki kept quiet, my Dad noticed that as well.

"I can't believe it! You've never read The Lord of the Rings?" he asked him.

"I'm afraid not, no." Said Jinki, a little unsure.

"I read that to Taemin for bedtime when he was a kid." He said and climbed down the ladder.

"Wasn't always the best idea." I added with a laugh and came back down to the ground as well.

"Funny he hasn't talked you full of it yet." Said my father nudging Jinki lightly with his elbow.

I felt a little ashamed of the Lord of the Rings reference. I felt like a stupid nerd who wasn't interested in anything but fairies and fantasy stories. Jinki and I never talked about books, I then realised. And even though it hadn't bothered me before, it hurt all the more then.

There were so many conversations we would never have. So many thoughts we would never exchange.

My heart beat faster at the thought that one day I could read the stories from the Shire to Minho.

And even though I didn't want to, one question after another bubbled up inside me.

Would the story be too fantastic for him?

Would he be as excited about it as he was about Norwegian Wood?

But I cautioned myself to let this excitement sprout further.

Minho and I had talked almost purely about books, their ideas and their message. And maybe Minho didn't know my favourite colour, yet he knew so much more about me. My heart tightened.

Jinki had confessed his love for me, but why? What did he know about me? What did I know about him?

Once again I looked out of the window, my gaze fixed hopefully and hopelessly on the sea.

It was useless.

It was a cool day in November. Dad had given me early time off. The first sprinkles of frost were forming outside. The days and evenings grew crisper with each passing day. Darkness spread faster now with the way Christmas was moving closer and closer.

It was a day when one enjoyed sitting in front of the fireplace with a warm drink and the company of friends. And that is what our guests did. Our lounge was full of people, the atmosphere was calm and serene.

The yellowish light of the fairy lights that decorated the room shone comfortably. The fire crackled in the fireplace.

I handed Jinki a hot chocolate and sipped on mine. Neither of us said anything. We sat near the fireplace and enjoyed the tranquil sounds. The voices of the guests were blurred into one another and became a dark hum. The radio played soft musical notes and the fire crackled comfortably.

A great murmur went through the hall. The radio had fallen silent. The fairy lights had lost their glow, the chandelier lost its illumination. Only orange and yellow light was left illuminating a small part of the room.

"It's all right, the power's just gone out." My father called out to all of us. I apologised to Jinki and went to Dad.

"Stay here, I'll take care of it." Quickly Dad walked out of the room and I followed him.

"But..."

"I'll get it sorted out. Keep the guests entertained until then, will you?" he asked me and I stood there, not knowing what to do.

Sighing, I turned back to the people and the vast room that drew soft shadows from the fireplace alone.

"And it was so beautiful just now." I heard the first unhappy voices from the darkness.

The earlier gentle babble of voices became louder and more restless. I stood helplessly at the door and wanted to say something, but no one listened to me.

Then everything became quiet.

A voice sounded in the darkness, so soft and gentle as if it wanted to put the whole world to sleep. As if it wanted to tell every human being that everything will be okay.

You’re shining, you, who is in my mind

Floating there with the stars, you’re

Watching me from afar

Can you take up those spaces in my heart

That I haven’t filled yet?

Jinki's voice was like that of an angel. It was warm and soft, like a home you could always come back to, no matter what you had done. No matter what mistakes you had made. It would take you in its arms, embrace you with all its warmth and make you feel safe.

Your unusual scarlet lips

Your lovely hair, blowing in the wind

Your fresh smile

Calms my anxious heart

My breathing became calm and regular. I could feel that Jinki meant every word he sang. That every word had significance for him and that these feelings were not foreign to him.

The you who sparkles in front of me

From there where you were floating, you

Brought me the moon and the stars

That space in my heart I hadn’t yet filled

Please Subscribe to read the full chapter