“Nov 06

So this is a brief writing about my new radio partner. His name is Taehyung but he likes to go by V. I don't know why he likes that nickname, but somehow it correlates with his personality. Other people might find him weird, or quirky but I myself find him quite interesting. Well, in a good way up to now. He often eats my chocolate, he spits nonsense joke, his actions are usually unpredictable. But he told me not to feel guilty about things outside my control. He shows me a nice place to see the city skyline. And he even got beaten by me just because he wanted to make sure I was safe. He might be a bit annoying sometimes but having him around is like adding an upbeat rhymth to the laid-back and slow song of my life.”

○●○

    “If I let you drive me home, does it mean I lead you on?”

I asked him an honest question. But the honesty didn't tell me to hold my gaze at him, so I just darted my eyes to the ground after asking him. I could see snow scattering on the ground. 

Should I just tell him to go inside? 

No, his car is even nearer than the main lobby.

     “What makes you think so?”

Taehyung asked back. His husky voice was calm, no hint of excitement nor disappointment could be found. 

     “Erm. . . I just think it might be unfair for you.” 

I tried my best to explain to him. I didn't know why I was having a conversation outside and in a snowing weather, but if I didn't tell him today, I might keep on being selfish with him, only taking his good will for granted. 

New Year for a braver me, didn't Hyojin said so?

     “Now that you're beating around the bush, Wheein-ssi.”

Taehyung commented and I abruptedly said, with another really loud “Erm.”

     “Erm. . .” - I then gulped, eyes darting uncontrollably. - “I. . . Just. . . Well, I still have fun with you but. . . I. . . Erm. . . Let's say. . . ”

     “. . . That it's not the right time?”

It was his turn to interrupted and I confirmed with a nod. Immediately. Thanks God he was so good at reading between the lines.

     “Yeah” - I secretly let out a sigh, hoping the dim light at the parking lot wouldn't reveal myself - “I just don't think I'm ready now.”

     “So what's the unfairness for me then?”

     “I'm afraid that I would send the wrong signal and I would take what I don't deserve from you.”

Taehyung suddenly laughed. Was there anything funny in my words? Then the sound of car lock opening caught my ears and I looked up, the rear light from a nearby car was flashing. It must be his car.

     “Just do anything you feel like doing with me.” - Taehyung said, swinging this key chain on his left index finger as if he was hypnotizing me by its continuous movement in circle. - “Don't avoid me or do something for my sake. Or else, I would get even guiltier because I was too hasty.”

He appeared to be totally cool. But it just gave me even more uneasiness. I was prepared for things like “Fine, I'll get lost, you go your way.” or “Just act as if we don't know each other then.” yet he told me not to feel guilty. 

How should I react to this?

Retreating to my old shell and assuming that he let me make my choice, which would be to avoiding him? 

Where is the braver me I had promised moments before?

     “I can't. . . That still sounds unfair for you to me.”

     “It isn't. . .” - Taehyung took a grip of the key chain with his big hands, then stepped towards me and reached out his other hand to brush a few snowflakes off my shoulder. - “Especially for a coward who chooses to run away like me.”

     “No you aren't.” 

     “Oh here we are, bickering again.” - He grinned and exhaled heavily.

    “I'm serious.” - I clenched my teeth, feeling my forehead creased for a frown - “Don't blame yourself that way.”

     “I'm totally serious. . .” - Taehyung hissed and started slowly explaining. - “Listen, Wheein-ssi. I had tried to hide my feelings for you but I eventually couldn't. I had to tell you. But. . . I foresaw being rejected, so I accepted an overseas assignment from next month. Doesn't it sound like I'm running away?”

He suddenly spoke faster, as if anxiety just rushed over him and had he speak faster just to go through an unconfident moment as quickly as possible. But more than a concern about Taehyung's unusual lack of confidence, it was his information that stuck me. Hard.

Assignment? Overseas? From next month? 

So could this be our last face to face talk in the next I-don't-know-how-many-months-or-years? 

I felt the cold wind slapping on my face and my hair was getting wetter with snow but it didn't matter.

     “Are you. . .are you serious?” 

I stuttered. And he nodded with pursed lips, to which I couldn't help spitting the next questions.

     “Where to? And for how long?”

     “Hongkong. Six months, could be extended to a year.”

     “When exactly is next month?”

     “In 2 weeks. I have submitted visa application last week.” 

     “Have you told the others yet?”

     “They'll know soon. But I think you should know first. You need a new partner anyway.”

I gulped. So it was seriously happening. I had thought it was impossible but eventually, we both chose to run away. For him, it was the assignment to another country. And for me, it was the email in my outbox, asking to quit the radio due to new responsibilities. 

Well, he would return in 6 months or even a year and I hadn't thought of leaving Purple Line this soon. But it seemed to me that we both choose to stop our interaction. For the fear that we could never be like what we used to be at the beginning after we both have to face the truth. 

The truth that we should have been just friends.

     “And if you know we only have a few days left. . .” - Taehyung spoke up while I was still puzzled with my thoughts - “Perhaps you could let loose yourself a bit in front of me.”

I didn't respond. I just hunched my shoulders and put my hands deeper into my pants pockets, looking around and exhaling cold layers of smoke. 

     “Just so you know. . . I'm no better than you.” - I confessed. Sooner or later he would know this. - “I'm going to quit the radio. It haven't been approved but if yes, my last show might be before your departure.”

     “Ah hah!” - Taehyung exclaimed, but in a very sarcastic style - “So we had the same idea. Crazy, huh?”

     “Uh, that's crazy.” - I mumbled an answer and shared an awkward smile with him.

     “Then I'll get going.” - Taehyung said, hand doing the military salute sign before turning away. - “Enjoy the holiday.”

○●○

I rose up from my sleeping place in Sunye's night guard room. Next to me, Seulgi was sleeping soundly. She might not remember singing and dancing around crazily at the party tomorrow but the new year party was fun to her. 

I, in contrast, couldn't sleep after a “truth talk” with Taehyung. 

I reached out to my phone, opened it. No message at all. Either from Hongsol or Juyeon. Or him. I secretly let out a sigh and crawled to my backpack at a corner of the room, took out the notebook and with the support from the small reading light at the nearby table, I started writing.

“Jan 01

We finally spoke our minds. But even so, my heart got heavier. Is that why people hide feelings and thoughts? Because some might be so heartbreaking to be voiced out truthfully, especially when its about relationship. 

Taehyung will leave for an assignment soon, working for regional office with little interaction with my local team. And if I was approved to stop with the radio, we even have less reason to get in touch. 

Of all the scenarios I could come up with, this is obviously the worst. 

Did I just lose a friend tonight? I just really don't want it at all.”