The airport was truly a strange place – it was as if the realities of your consciousness leaves you, you wander around waiting to board your flight, time does not feel real ( tick tock .) I sat alone in the terminal, aching as time grew closer to my departure. I could not allow myself to cry but my heart was full of sorrow, the loneliness was seeping into my body like a virus – I watched couples and families pass by and my resentment for love began to grow ( tick tock tick tock the gloomy clock was faintly living.) Jonghyun had not appeared nor did he send any kind of signal that he would – he was once again a ghost and I felt like a fool. I guess we had grown apart and that there was nothing we could do to stop the strings from slacking and perhaps I was too buddy dreaming that I did not see him slash open the strings – setting us free. 

The call for my flight had begun – I awaited like the fool I am until the last call. I dragged my heels towards my unfortunate fate; I was greeted by a sea of faces that I would never recognize and I wondered ‘ am I the only sorrowful being here or would someone understand the ache in my chest?’ The flight was delayed by a small commotion at the boarding gate…a passenger was trying to board but there was no more room – I thought of giving my seat up but my body was cemented by grief. 

(Please let me board this plane – 

Someone is counting on me. 

I fear they will never forgive me 

if they do not at least see my face.

This is not a romantic gesture,

This is something larger than that.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

The man fell to his knees as 

The plane took to the sky,

Taking the one thing he loved

Far away from him.

A storm began to rise within

In his chest,

It removed the ash,

It removed the red glow

That had been sitting on his chest

Since he had been born;

Please wait for me

He begged on his knees 

Into the sky.

Tick tock tick tock-

One ticket please.)

When I awoke we had landed at my destination – I had returned to the land with no Moon. The harsh daylight greeted my eyes and they felt heavy…they felt old. There was no message from Jonghyun – oh how the human heart can break so easily. I caught a train home since there was no one to pick me up. I avoided my reflection in the train window, if I met my own eyes I would simply break – there was a time and place for such emotions and no one would comfort a stranger. I felt blue. ( Tick Tock.) I looked at my phone – nothing. Truly am I a fool? When you are in the arms of love you do not see those also in love around you, you are simply in your own universe – built for two. You do not see such things because they do not bother you the same way it does when you are alone and bitter. I feel my skin burning under an interesting rage created by jealousy and holding back my tears. The cockroaches holding their hands together made me sick to my stomach, their little pecks made my skin crawl and I wanted to squish their love under my heel. It is a sick feeling. 

The journey ‘home’ felt long but finally I arrived at my apartment door – I was greeted by an empty silence. I was lonely, oh so lonely. I left my bags beside my front door mirroring a past memory, I closed the blinds and switched off my phone. I wanted to hide from the world and I refused to look at the black empty sky – afraid to see the truth, afraid to cut the strings of fate. I ran a shallow bath, just enough to provide a warm embrace around my body and the tears began. The bath filled up an inch or two more, was I crying this much to change the baths state? My eyes began to grow tired and red, did I think things would turn out like those romance novels? Perhaps for some but not for me. The bitterness was filling my heart like black smoke; I drowned my head under the water for a while…chaos, everything felt like chaos. The bath eventually grew cold and my body began to shiver – I sat still while the water drained itself from the tub and goose pimples began to prickle my body. I roamed around my apartment unsure of my next move, life felt unreal – I felt abandoned. The alarm clock read 11:11, ‘ make a wish~’ I heard his playful voice in my ear. Disgusting. 

Sleep found me at some point and I awoke to the birds chirping happily – shut up I am sick of your happiness. I did as I was meant too, I made my way to work with a smile plastered onto my face. I could not wallow because that is something too dangerous to do in this kind of state. 

“You seem okay, I assume things worked out?” asked Liz.

“Everything worked out as it should,” I continued to work – my ears began to hurt ( tick tock. )

“You can tell me – let’s meet after work.” She placed her hand on my shoulder. 

So we met after work in her car, a safe space for tears. I explained it all, every nook and cranny of emotions. I could not stop repeating my words, perhaps I was looking for an answer of where I went wrong. Liz comforted me and then dropped me off at my cold, lonely apartment. 

“Take care of yourself,” she squeezed my hand like I was a child. 

Another end of a day, how many nights do I have to endure this pain within my chest, this noose-like feeling? The night sky arrived, my blinds were open welcoming in the sky (who opened them?) but there was something glimmering in the sky…it was natural that I would fall to my knees. 

The Moon Was Here.