Chapter 13: Of Resignation & Girls' Talk Chapter 13 Theme Song: The Pierrot Laughs at Us by Kim Wansun   Rainbow's version^^         ♥♥♥       It wasn't because I was sad, and suddenly happy, like a crazy woman. It wasn't that I'm so saintly forgiving. It wasn't that I really felt nothing, and neither that I have new plan. It's just that...there's nothing else I could do anyway.   I have finally manage to make a decision, after thinking about it throughout the whole last night on bed. So, they didn't like me. None of them. Is it their fault? They just happen to be attracted to other girls. Is it my fault? I've tried the best I could, and I'm tired to try harder. I'm the one who keep getting humiliated the more I tried, so what else could I do? Plastic surgery to be as cute as Nam Jihyun or injections to look youthful like Jei? Am I not pretty enough? I don't think I look that bad. Do I look too old? Well, there's not even enough time for any plastic surgery or any injection to look as young as them at this point. Everything will end in two days, or less. All signs pointing failure and dead end. I will not make it out of this show without getting hurt again, and maybe more than once, depending on how many more missions or dates we have. It's so unfair. When I got a call offering me to be in this show, they said I'll be sent to a holiday surrounded by beautiful locations and surrounding, fun activities, unforgettable memories, romance in the air, and guaranteed to find love. Who in their right mind would say no to such an irresistible offer?   But they lied about the last two parts. There's no romance, and no love for me. The air only engulfed and wrapped me in stabbing cold, and no matter how long the journey I'm taking in this dark tunnel, filled with loneliness and rejection, I couldn't see any streak of light to give me hope at the end of the path. So, I guess...this is how things will end for me. Maybe I'm just the random unlucky one. If they have another season, there will probably still be other girls to inherit my luck. I shouldn't feel too bad or embarrassed about it. I'm the oldest here anyway, I'm not as pretty and cute in a fresh way like the other girls here. Why did I even expect anything in the first place? I was never popular with idol boys anyway. So, why would I be popular with them now? I had totally let myself be embraced by too much fantasy that I overlooked the reality that really shouldn't be too bad once you're used to it.   If this is how it's going to be, then so be it. I can't hate or despise them. This program, is not the real world. But we will still meet in real world after this program ends. We might even have to collaborate on stages, in variety shows. Wouldn't it be hard for us if we let feelings of ten days affect our lives as idols? Besides, hating and fighting for nothing, is too tiring. Hoping is tiring too. It's all my fault anyway, for taking it way too seriously than I should, in the first place.   So, I will do my best to enjoy the remaining two days in this beautiful island. There may be no romance in the air for me, but it doesn't change the beautiful sceneries, exciting activities we get to engage in, and great air, far from bustling Seoul. I deserve all of these, at the least, so I will enjoy what I can while there's time to enjoy them. I will try. No, not try. I have to make myself happy. Nobody else would. I have to do this, at least for my fans. It's embarrassing to cry or be sad in front of the camera, right? So, i'll do everything I could to show them I'm not an idiot to be sad over these little things. Even if I have to start with faking a smile.   Besides, I really do felt so much better after embarrassing my own self in front of Mireu last night, ugh. Well, who asked him to stay? He should've left when he was told to do so. But truthfully, this friend made me feel a little warmth in the midst of coldness of the dates themselves. How come he wasn't this nice when we're filming our dates? Aish. Doesn't matter, I still got my consolation prize in the form of a friend, who's not merely a friend for the camera's sake. But a friend that made me feel I'm not all alone here on this island. I always knew he's a nice kid, though I didn't know he's that nice.   As for Minjun oppa, I couldn't find a logical reason to hate him, because I knew if he was sober, he wouldn't say all those things while on the date. Maybe he really loved Jei that much. I didn't cry because of his feelings for her or nonstop talking about her. I only cried because I felt like I couldn't take it anymore, to have been on dates with those four guys and every time it only ended with them either talking about other girls, confessing feelings about other girls, getting advice about other girls, or just leaving me, alone on the dates. To have all of them, ditching me like that, in front of the camera...of course my pride was shattered to the core. I really thought Minjun oppa wouldn't do that, after hearing all his greatness from the other girls. But I guess, I just got the worst timing in the world to get a date with him. It's not his fault, maybe it's just my luck. At least, I might be able to do something others couldn't.   I looked around, trying to find the right opportunity when she's alone, before striking for target. We're currently not with the boys who are outside the room, prepari