“No!” I said loudly into the phone. “Turn back right now. Yongguk, don’t come home yet. The police were just here and they were looking for you.” 

“What?” he said. “Baby, calm down and tell me what happened.”

Unconsciously I felt tears began falling as my grip tightened on the phone. 

“The police were just here.” I said into the phone. “Turn your car around now. Don’t come home until I call you.”

Not waiting for a reply, I quickly hung up the phone and held the phone up to my chest, praying that he’d understand and turn around. My tears slowly fell down my cheeks and I found myself biting my lip so that I wouldn’t end up sobbing out loud. I walked around the apartment, with my phone still tight in my grip. Walking over to the couch, I sat down still sniffling, trying to calm down my crying.  

After about roughly ten minutes of waiting and my stomach flipping, I was about to call Yongguk when the door clicked open. I stood up, and quickly wiped my tears with the back of my hands. I walked towards the door and saw Yongguk dropping his backpack by the door. With his gaze still on the ground, he kicked his shoes off and exhaled what seemed like a tired breath. 

“Yongguk.” I choked on my tears that I thought had dried. 

I ran to him just as he began to look up. I flung my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. I rested my chin on his shoulder and sobbed silently. I was so worried for him. I was also scared. I was scared that I would lose him. If he was caught the amount of trouble he would get in was not small. I took in his scent and was somewhat soothed. The smells of his cologne and only a small whiff of cigarettes. 

“Hey,” he said silently, pulling away so he could look at me. “I’m still here. What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

I whimpered as my heart hammered against my chest.

“I thought,” I choked on my tears. “That maybe I would lose you. I don’t want to lose you.” 

Yongguk sighed and brought his muscular arms around my frame, hugging me. I pressed my hand against his chest, feeling his heart beat nearly as fast as mine. I bit my lip but during the embrace, I found myself sobbing louder without knowing why. I felt Yongguk’s hand rubbing my back comfortingly and as if it were magic, I began quietening down. 

“I’m still here.” he said softly, almost a whisper in his deep voice. 

I continued to clutch onto him, sniffling, trying to catch my breath after all the crying. Finally, when I had managed to stop crying, I looked up at Yongguk and saw him smiling. Although he put up a front, I knew that something was also bothering him, I could just tell. 

When dinner had finished, with neither of us saying a word to each other at the table, I began washing the dishes and noticing that Yongguk wasn’t in the kitchen. I walked silently around the house to find him. Stopping by the back door, I opened it slowly, hoping he was out there. 

He was on the patio, in his white t shirt, back facing me and staring at what seemed like the backyard. But a familiar smell was also present and when I saw a thick string of smoke leave his mouth, my questions were answered. He was smoking. 

I walked silently, shutting the door quietly behind me. Getting close enough to him, I reached out and circled my arms around his waist. I felt him jump slightly and I pressed the side of my face against his back. 

“You said you’d smoke less.” I said.

“I’ve only had two today.” he chuckled, using a hand to grasp onto my mine. “This is my third.” 

“What are you thinking about?” I whispered. “Something’s bothering you. I know it.” 

Yongguk sighed and dropped his cigarette, stepping on it. He released his grasp on my hands and turned around, so that we were face to face. I looked up at him and expected for him to speak. 

“What would you do if I wasn’t around anymore?” he said softly, bringing a hand up to touch my cheek. 

I tried forcing a laugh. I tried brushing the seriousness off, trying to fool myself into thinking that he was joking around. But somehow I couldn’t. With the police coming and him asking those questions, I found myself unconsciously thinking negative thoughts.

“What are you talking about?” I laugh dryly. “You wouldn't leave me, would you?”

“Babe.” Yongguk sighed, reaching for my hand. “Let’s face reality. I’m a drug dealer and a hit man. If I wasn’t arrested I’d bound to be killed by other gangs. What will you do without me? Think about that for once.” 

I looked away from him and at the grass of our backyard. I wanted to be mad at him for being  like this. I wanted to hate him for having the thought of leaving me but I couldn’t. Because in the back of my mind, somewhere very far away, I knew that he was only being reasonable. I knew that this would someday happen. 

“I’d hate you.” I whispered. “I’ll spend every single day thinking about you.” 

Sighing, Yongguk used both his hands to cup my face. I shivered, not sure if it was because of the wind or because of his touch. He lifted my head and made me look at him. Our eyes met for only a slight second, before I adverted it again.

"Babe, I’m scared.”

I immediately looked up at him. Did he just say that he was scared?

“I’m scared about what will happen to you after I’m gone.” he finally said. “Dammit why couldn’t we have met in a different situation?”

I furrowed my brows at him. I couldn’t quite understand what he was trying to say. 

“Why couldn’t I have also been a college student from your college? Why did I have to meet you as some street gang douche bag?” Yongguk growled lowly.   

I looked at Yongguk and took in every facial feature that was present. Hearing him say that made me think. How much longer would I be able to see his face again? How much longer will it be before he’s gone?

“Let’s go inside.” I said. “It’s getting cold.” 

I turned to walk inside the house and felt Yongguk follow close behind. Walking into the house,  I walked into the bedroom and heard the back door close, soon followed by footsteps. I gathered all my books and put them into my bag, getting ready for class the next day. 

“Do you have classes tomorrow?” Yongguk asked, leaning on our doorframe. 

I looked at him and nodded, then going back to packing my bag. Yongguk pushed himself off the doorframe and walks towards me, sighing on the way. With my back towards him, I suddenly felt his muscular arms wrap around my waist. I gasped silently and felt him rest his chin on my shoulder. Yongguk turned his head and kissed my hair. 

“You smell like cigarettes.” I whispered, chuckling a bit. 

“Are you mad at me?” Yongguk asked, nuzzling into the crook of my neck.

I laugh a bit at the ticklish feeling and try to stop him from keep tickling me. I try pushing his head away but that only made him more determined. Not only was he tickling my neck with kissing, he was also tickling my sides with his fingers. I squealed with laughter and tried squirming away from his hold. 

“Yongguk, stop.” I said through my laughter. “I can’t breathe.” 

Abruptly stopping, Yongguk turned me around and made me face him. I looked at him and jokingly cringed my nose at him. Suddenly he pulled me in roughly, engulfing my in his arms. I gasped at the sudden hug but didn’t pull away.  

“I love you a lot.” he said lowly. “Don’t forget that ever.” 

With the side of my face against his chest, I nodded and kissed the centre of his chest. 

“Now go take a shower.” I said suddenly, pulling away from him. “You still smell like cigarettes.”

____________

Finally as the night got darker, we were lying in bed together, facing each other. My eyes began to grow heavy, but I leaned in and kissed Yongguk softly on the lips, feeling him return a quick peck. 

“Do you and ex-boyfriend?” he asked as I pulled away.  

My eyes opened completely as all the drowsiness was taken away. Seeing that there was no reason to lie to him, I looked away and nodded. Hearing him chuckle, my gaze shot to him, not expecting that reaction.  

“I’m not mad, if that’s what you’re worried about.” he said softly, caressing my cheek. “I have an ex too. So now we’re even.”

“Really?” I managed to squeak, through my pumping heart, 

“Really what?” he raised a brow. “Really that I’m not mad or really that I’ve had an ex?”

I didn’t answer and seemed to have become dazed from the whole situation. But I slowly felt Yongguk wrap an arm around my waist and I felt him pull me closer to him. I snuggled into his chest and traced random patterns against his loose white t-shirt. 

“Tell me about your other girlfriend.” I whispered. 

I wanted to know. I knew that maybe, I would get a bit jealous but the past was the past, so maybe I should be open with him about it. 

“Babe,” Yongguk chuckled. “It’s late, go to sleep.” 

“Tell me. Please?” I said softly, looking up at him from under my lashes.

After what sounded like a sigh in utter defeat, Yongguk hugged me tighter. 

“I was about eighteen when I met this girl.” he started. “She was one of my friends’ sister. But this friend was someone in my gang.” 

Laying against his chest, his voice came out deeper than usual. Not that I minded though, I liked it when his voice was deep. 

“I had just started gang life so I was still really reluctant to anything about it. But this girl guided me through it and I fell for her without even realizing it.” Yongguk sighed. “After I asked her out, we became inseparable and I thought I was the happiest guy alive.” 

Hearing him say that, I somewhat felt uneasy. Did he feel like that when he was with me? I just lay there in his arms, silently hoping that I meant as much to him as he did to me. 

“And then what happened?” I whispered. 

“She was already with the boss of an opposing gang.” Yongguk said lowly. “She was using me and her brother to get information. She laughed into my face and left me. I was so broken after she left me.” 

I lay against his chest and found myself unconsciously pouting. How could someone be so cruel. If she was dating him, she must have known that although he seems tough and sturdy on the outside, he needed the most love and attention. Because on the inside, he was so fragile. Feeling the large scar on his chest through his shirt, he seemed to have remembered something. 

“The scar on my chest,” he started. “Was because her rich boyfriend was jealous and slashed me with a machete.” 

I gasped silently and brought a hand to the scar, feeling it from under his shirt. It was a long slash starting from the middle of his chest coming right down to his lower right ribcage. It was a very long line and although it was awhile ago, it was still very visible and deep.

“The doctors thought that I was going to die.” he chuckled, bitterly. “I was losing too much blood.” 

“I know.” I whispered. “I was there, remember?”

But from there on, I knew the rest of his story. I was in hospital, on volunteer work for college, the night he got admitted. I remember it was an emergency case and I had to rush along side the nurses and doctors into the room, watching and helping them. Although I had no idea in the world of who he was, I found myself praying silently, hoping that he was going to make it. 

After his wound was closed up and his condition was somewhat stable, my job for the rest of that week was to look after him. Because besides the long slash on his chest, he had other minor injuries on his face and arms so I had to come in and change his bandage everyday and help him in any way possible. 

He woke up, mumbling a name. I remember so clearly that he sounds as if he was in utter pain, groaning out that certain name. It had been so long ago that I could barely recall the name. But in his half conscious state, he grabbed onto my hand, while I was changing his arm bandages and called out that name. 

“Babe.” he called, bringing me out of thought. “Did you fall asleep?”

“No.” I said. “Just thinking.”

I pulled away from his chest to look at him. He smiled a bit and placed a hand on my cheek. I wanted the moment to last forever. I wanted forget that he was a wanted man, I wanted to forget that the police could take him any time they wanted. I just wanted to spend all my time with this man. 

“Let’s sleep.” I said, snuggling back into his chest. “I’m sleepy.”

After a little bit of silence, I heard him exhale what seemed like a content sigh. I wanted to look up and ask but sleep was getting the best of me, until he spoke. 

“I might sound crazy, but I’m actually happy that I got slashed with a machete.” he chuckled. “If not, I wouldn’t have met that one volunteer college student.”

“Gosh, you’re corny.” I mumbled against his chest. 

He gave laughed softly and hugged me close. I didn’t want tomorrow to come because I knew that I would be another day of worry and drama for us. I wanted the sun to stay hidden and for morning to never come. But sadly, life wasn’t that simple for us. Not anymore.