Discuss your first love.

Ok um.... this is something I don't like talking about. 

Why? I don't know, because its personal and this is today's post. 

But first off, what is a first love? Someone who you'll never forget because they will stay in your heart? Well sorry to disappoint but my first love is not in heart. I don't even know if I EVEN HAD A FIRST LOVE... I mean I did like a few boys right but for love?? I dont know... but maybe I do. 

A first love is someone who has mad you cry and even though your in pain and try to avoid them.. they are still apart of you. 

I know that feeling. I do... it was really painful. I cried for a long time and it hurt inside. I had never experienced such pain. I wanted it to go away and forget everything. I didn't know what was going on with me that time. I was in a bad place and at the time... HE was there for me. 

(I won't go into much detail...because I don't really remember much it feels like a dream now that I think about it..) 

I'm going to call him IAN.. I don't wanna give out his real name. 

We met online and he was already a friend to me. He lives on the other side of the world and he was very nice, caring, sweet and loving to me. When I had recently got bumped....(I don't know if two weeks count...) I was feeling sad and Ian was there to make feel better and make me forget. So affter a week passed, I started to like him and I wanted to keep talking to him. He was more of a rebound for me... VERY BAD.. but I had to make sure she wasn't. 

We would talk in this chat site that was the same site of what we had in common. At the time, I liked JPOP. I was into KAT-TUN a lot and I was into JPA short for jpopasia. (I still get on but its not the same) Anyways, we would talk there and then talk on FB Chat too. We just close really fast and we would get each other jealous. But here is the thing. I didn't know how he felt for me because he had a GF.. she was away at the time and I guess maybe he was lonely so he was using me... I didn't like that but I guess it was the same with me. I was trying get over someone else and he was there.. 

We later talked more and he confessed that he liked me more than a friend and I felt the same. I wanted to be more with him.. but we couldn't we were in different places. He was really religious.. and I wasn't. I wasn't going to change for him... He wasn't going to break up with his GF for me either. So we started hitting bumps and I told him we needed space but that didn't even last a WEEK... we had to talk to each other. 

On my BDAY (this was years ago) He told me those words .... "I LOVE YOU" I was soooo HAPPY I could have kissed him for REAL haha! I told him the same thing but like I said, he didn't like me talking to other guys and I didn't want him talking to other girls.. but his GF was an expection..

(OK...this is bad... Don't think of me badly ok? This was a long time ago. I felt bad making him cheat on his gf... but it wasn't like that. We were just talking a lot and got close... I was younger than I am right now.. like... 20. Things were hard for me and different than they are now. Plus this is personal.... not many people know about this and for me to be sharing this takes a lot of guts... so don't look down on me or something, We all have our flaws and past.)

We got closer but he caused each other pain. I cired a lot.. I wanted to avoid him.. I told our friends that I wasn't around to avoid him.. and he caught on that I was and he did the same with me but he grew attached to me and we couldn't stay away... it was hard... and painful.. He wanted to be with me but we just couldn't... it wasn't our time. We weren't sure when it would be.. but he did promise if he came to America, we would try if we were still single. (A promise from long ago...) 

We have a song... I can't bare to listen to it because it makes me cry. It's Adele's "Someone Like You" we agreed that was our song and I cried listening to the song when it came out on the raido or I would get sad if I wasn't alone.. 

I had never been so hurt and in so much pain. After we decided on the song.. we promised that we had to push each other away and try to be friends. I didn't want to lose him as a friend either but I had to agree. I had dreams about us being together and we were happy. He wanted it to be real.. but things weren't working out for us. I would sit and cry in front of my laptop and wonder what was he doing.. why did we put each other in this mess? It was hard. I cried for 3 or 4 days straight.. I had to put on a poker face around my family... and it was hard. 

I cried myself to sleep one night and I wished for everything to go away. I didn't want to think of him and be in pain. I wanted to stop crying and feel nothing.....Well.. the next day, I don't know how... but I woke up feeling nothing. I didn't remember anything of what we had gone through. Like as if my memory was gone. I would see him online.. but we wouldn't talk to each other. Just a simple 'Hello' and thats it. 

We kept our promise to stay away from each other for a while. He got off FB and I stayed on. Months later, he came back and we spoke again. We were now friends and we remembered our song. It will always be our song.. but our feelings? It's a part of us. I don't know if he regrets it now..I haven't really spoken to him much. He comes and goes on facebook. But I don't regret it. It was an experience and I never thought I could love someone the way I loved him. Even if we were far away from each other. I loved him a lot and it caused both of us pain... 

You can't say that isn't love? 

A first love.... 

A/N: Day 19, sorry for the late day.. I have been on a roll typing and I don't want to stop! I know I need to do some editing too but I'm trying to finish up a story that was suppose to be short but tis getting longer!! haha!! The life of a writer!