Review: The Ending That No One Expected
Author: MissTangerine
Reviewed on: 120421 by Marie

Character Development [/15]
It's difficult to develop personalities in a oneshot, but you seem to have done it quite well. It is easy for the reader to understand how Dara and JiYong are both feeling. Minor characters aren't as important in this area, but the minor characters in your story seemed somewhat immature. Their little comments on the side were a good addition to the story, and I understand that they were excited about the wedding, but sometimes it was a little overeager. For example, the giant rusty anchor, while a humorous moment in the story, doesn't seem like something a bridesmaid would say on someone's wedding day. Still, I understand why you put it in there, I'm just giving you my own opinion on it. Also, personally, I didn't like the line "KEEP CALM AND SMELL!". I know it's from Bigbang's Secret Garden Parody, but I don't think it was neccessary to include that for comedy. Again, this is just my own opinion. All in all, the main characters were developed nicely, but the minor characters were somewhat annoying at times. [10/15]

Plot [/25]
I really like this oneshot. The plot is simple, like many oneshots seem to be, but it definitely goes somewhere. It isn't just describing the beautiful day, because it has a purpose, not revealed until the end. I like this, because you're able to convey heartbreaking feelings through a very heartfelt, exciting day. The contrast is good, because it emphasizes the hurt. I would have liked to see you develop the plot a little more, maybe by making it slightly longer, though. Also, you mention something about a bad thing that their father did, but you only mention it once...So it made me wonder what its importance was. I think you should leave that part out. It seemed unecessary, like you were trying to add something that you didn't need to. But, the plot was really good. I was actually quite surprised at the end.[19/25]

Conventions [/15]
For someone whose first language isn't English, your English is pretty good. There are just a few things I would like to point out. This is my favorite category, so bear with me please.

The first few lines, you say "Checked!". Usually, when people check things off a list, they say "Check!", not "Checked!". I would change that, especially considering it occurs at the beginning of your story, and you don't want to distract the reader with an awkward grammar discrepancy.

You use the word "guffawed" twice in your story. It's an unusual word, so using it twice will make it stand out to the reader, distracting them from the story. I know that you used it in the same spot both times, but it was just slightly awkward to see such a strange word twice. You could instead say "chuckled" or "snorted" or something. Maybe I just don't like the word guffawed though; it reminds me of a duck.

I don't know why but you double spaced everything...it makes it kind of hard on the eyes, and for scrolling. It looks a lot nicer to make things single spaced, but that may be just a personal preference of mine.

In the beginning you say "were convulsed with laughter", and the "were" is not actually necessary, because convulsed stands on its own. So you can just say that they "convulsed with laughter". It makes more sense that way.

You actually didn't have many spelling or grammar mistakes, so good job here. [11/15]

Originality [/15]
I can't say that this story is completely original. After all, I'm pretty sure it isn't the first story about a wedding out there. However, your oneshot was different, and you made it that way with the twisted ending. You are obviously creative. I hope in the future you will write a completely unconventional story with a more complex plot, so you can be even more creative with it. [12/15]

Extras [/10]
Poster and Background: These are so nice, and they fit the mood perfectly. Good job to the designer.
Title: I like the title. I'm SO glad you didn't call it "Wedding Dress" because that would be sooo overused and I would probably dock points for that. Being unique with titles is a good thing, don't forget that. However, you titled the final chapter something different, which was strange for me. Especially because you called it, "The Ending That No One Expected". If you inform the reader that there is going to be an unexpected ending, they will expect the unexpected, and then it isn't so unexpected. Does that make sense? You can still title the final chapter "Wedding Bells", that way the reader is a lot more surprised when the ending is so, well, surprising.
Foreword/Description: The colors here were awkward. I especially did not like the pink next to the red, next to the blue. Instead of reading those, I wanted to skim past it because it hurt my eyes. Try using colors that work well together. The quote in the description was perfect though. [7/10]

Pace [/10]
This story flowed easily. However, like I said before, I wish it were longer. Especially during the actual ceremony. If you extend some things out more, the feelings Jiyong and Dara feel can be a lot more present, and it will make the reader feel them more. [7/10]

Meaning [/10]
This story was so cute! I'm a huge Jiyong fan so my heart broke when he was so hurt. He's such a sweet guy!
But anyway, I can tell you put thought into this story. Make sure you elaborate on things that need to be described more, and don't linger on unimportant things, such as trifle jokes in the beginning. That might give it even more meaning. Again, lenghtening the story will definitely make it more effective. If you want the reader to feel heartbroken as Jiyong does, then you need to describe more about his heartbreak. Go way down deep into his heart, describe his facial expressions, and how they contrast with the unhappiness inside, or something like that. It's okay to make a oneshot long. Readers won't shy away from it just because it has a couple extra words. Some of my own oneshots are pages long, and people still read them. [8/10]

Bonus [/5]
I have never given bonus points on this shop before, but I am giving them to you. Why? Because I want to read the sequel. There's something you should know about me: I don't often read stories on AFF. When I do, I want to be entertained. And your story did that for me. I liked it alot, so I am going to read the sequel when I have time. I'm not giving you full bonus points, because there are definitely some areas you can improve on, but hey, you're the first to recieve them! Feel proud ;3 [2/5]

Overall [/100]
I would recommend this story to 2ne1 fans, and Bigbang fans, especially if they like Dara/Jiyong. I personally loved the story, and I really hope that you'll request here again sometime soon. There isn't much else I need to say, except good luck in the future and keep writing. [76/100]

I hope this review has helped you at least some, and that you will remember to credit me. Thanks dear! -Marie

ps- my scoring really , so please pay attention to the comments more than the score. thanks.