“Motherhood is a choice you make everyday, to put someone else’s happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you’re not sure what the right thing is… and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong.” – Donna Ball

ABBY's POV

5 days, 5 days till I leave Shanghai.

The office has been a party house every single day, the team has been out drinking every night trying to prolong the memories as everyone is mentally preparing themselves to depart in the next 2 days. The two German interns had already left due to an early start for their fall semester while everyone else is barely working, it’s as if everyone comes in just to hangout. Seungri and I have been spending more time together than usual. We transitioned from eating lunch in our cubicles to having 2-hour lunches on the bund. Seungri and I got 1st place in our presentation and were both given offers to stay with the company. Seungri chose to be relocated to LA and I told Marc that I would let him know by the end of the summer but chances are it would be in NYC.

“They ran out of spicy salmon, so I got you tuna. Hope you don’t mind”, Seungri said interrupting my thought.

“Its fine, thanks!” I replied as I started to open the sushi boxes.

“This might be our last lunch together….” Seungri said nostalgically trying to hide his smirking face.

“Can you stop?? What is with this sadness? This is not going to be our last lunch together; even after the internship we can visit each other. I can go see you in LA and you can visit me in NY and don’t forget about Facebook, wechat and instagram and” I stopped gibbering as I looked up at Seungri laughing hysterically at the top of his lungs.

“Ya, you’re such a pabo. I wasn’t being serious. You’re so cute when you try to explain yourself and the situation.” Seungri said patting my head.

“Lee Seungri! I’m your Sunbae in this company, how dare you mock me!” I screamed back.

“Sorry, I just love fishing you because you always get caught.” He laughed one last time.

“Ugh, you’re so annoying!!”  I muttered.

“Awwww, you don’t mean that. You promise to FB and Wechat me right?” He asked earnestly.

“It depends” I smirked noticing the conversation coming to my advantage.

“Did Marc say anything to you? I haven’t seen him at all in the past 3 days.” Seungri asked changing the subject.

“No…….” I replied with a hint of sadness in my voice. I thought back to the conversation I had with Marc at the club 2 weeks ago and he had confided in me about his first love. He looked so hurt speaking about her yet his words was so nonchalant and careless.

“Where do you think he went?” Seungri asked.

“I don’t know, maybe he has business to tend to,” I guessed.

“But it’s not like Marc to leave for more than a day without saying anything to us, I mean if he was going to be gone for 3 days and maybe even 4 at this point, he should’ve at least assigned something for us to do. All the other interns are saying goodbye to their mentor and we’re here not knowing if we’ll even get to see ours before everything ends on Friday.” He said as he looked into the distance.

I wanted to tell Seungri that maybe he went to see his first love, maybe they got back together, but I knew it was too private and it really is not my place to tell something so personal about Marc.

“Hey!” Seungri randomly said bringing me out of my thoughts.

“What?” I asked semi- annoyed, curious to whether he’s about to say something obnoxious again.

“I like you”, he muttered.

I stared at him in silence, not sure if he was playing another prank on me, but I really don’t think so because his eyes weren’t lying.

“Ya! Don’t say things like that so carelessly”, I replied shifting my gaze away from him trying to process what is actually happening.

“I didn’t plan on telling you, I was going to keep everything to myself since the internship is ending and all……but lately I haven’t been able to sleep at night and this secret feels heavy on my chest.” He tried to explain.

“Seungri……” I was speechless.

“Look, I didn’t say it to get a response out of you or for you to reciprocate the feelings. I know you don’t think of me that way and I would kill myself if this confession ruins our friendship because deep down I ….YA!!! Why are you crying? Okay okay, I’ll shut up, don’t cry! I didn’t tell you this to make you cry,” He mumbled apologetically.

“Sorry…..” I finally got myself to say.

“I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve your affection, and I didn’t do anything to deserve you liking me.” I muttered as I kept crying.

Deep down I felt like .

What did I do that was so great to have Seungri, Seunghyun and Marc all show compassion towards me?? Nothing…..I’m nothing but a petty piece of garbage trying to ruin someone’s life because I can’t get over how I got screwed in my first relationship.

“Okay, listen to me. You don’t need to do anything to deserve to be liked, things like that just happen. It’s not your fault, it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have told you.” Seungri tried to explain by putting the fault on himself.

“But you deserve better,” I replied…. “You deserve someone who isn’t damaged. Don’t waste your time, I’m not worth it”

“Oh my god, you’re crazy…stop self-deprecating your worth….what’s wrong with you? Did the corporate life really scar you this much??” He asked with concern.

I laughed, “You know corporate life can be very tough”

“You can’t be serious right now……are you joking? You were crying 30 seconds ago…” He asked raising his brows.

“I give up, I can’t understand woman,” He added.

We sat in silence after that…..and god knows how long we had sat there before we finally made eye contact….and knowing how the two of us are, we just burst into laughter.

“So we’re good?” He finally asked.

“Always” I replied with a smile.

“Let’s go back,” I suggested to Seungri, “I think we’ve played enough on company time, there are still some files I want to organize before Friday.”

“Such a party pooper, don’t you think we worked enough overtime this summer to have an extra late lunch in the last week?” He groaned like a child.

“Come on!” I yelled with a smile while dragging him out of his chair.

I went back to my cubicle, looking over the files I had created for the real estate project in Pudong. I had worked so hard on it, hoping to use it as a catalyst to bind my partnership with Seunghyun’s father as I slowly plan his demise. Now these documents are useless.

I haven’t spoken to Seunghyun since the fall out we had in our apartment. Everything seems so surreal; not a single memory of Seunghyun this summer seemed tangible. It’s as if in time, I would wake up from this dream like nothing ever happened.

Suddenly my phone starting ringing and my heart started pounding semi-hoping it would be Seunghyun, but when I looked at the screen, it was an unrecognizable number.

“Hello?” I picked up.

“Abby, it’s me. Mrs. Choi.” Seunghyun’s mom said sternly over the phone.

“Oh my, Mrs. Choi, how rude of me, how are you doing aunty?” I asked politely.

“I’m great Abby, are you busy?” She asked.

“Me….umm….no, is there something I can do for you?” I questioned.

“Good, can you meet me at the Café next to your office?” She asked softly.

“Yea…. of course aunty.” I replied with concern.”

“5 pm sound good to you?” She asked.

“Yes, 5 is great” I answered.

“See you then,” and with that she hung up without saying good-bye.

The next 3 hours seemed like torture….why would Seunghyun’s Omma want to meet with me?

I got out of the office at exactly 4:30 so I can fix myself in the bathroom and to get to the café before Mrs. Choi.

However, by the time I reached the café at exactly 4:48 PM, Mrs. Choi had already seated herself with a nice cup of cappuccino next to the windows.

“Aunty, sorry, I would’ve come earlier if I had known you were going to be here so early.” I said apologetically.

She smiled before saying, “No worries, I happened to be in the area and finished my errands early. Would you like anything to drink?”

“Tea, I’ll have some Ice tea.” I answered with a smile.

She waved the waiter over and ordered me a tea before starting, “How have you been?” She asked.

“I’ve been good, just wrapping up everything at the office.” I replied.

“Are you going back to New York soon?” She questioned.

“I’m going to visit my grandparents first and then I’m going to head back.” I answered.

“I see….” She said as she sipped her cappuccino.

“Aunty, why did you suddenly want to see me?” I asked with curiosity.

She ignored my question and just looked out the window.

“Abby, it’s better this way. I hope you have a safe trip back, let me know if there is anything I can do for you.” She said calmly.

“What…what do you mean it’s better this way?” I confusingly asked.

“You shouldn’t have approached Seunghyun, you guys are not good together.” She stated blatantly.

“Aunty….Seunghyun and I are not really together….we’re just friends.” I explained.

“I never supported his relationship with you, you guys are just so different.” She continued.

“Have I upset you in some way? I don’t understand why you are saying this to me..” I questioned.

“Abby tell me, do you love Seunghyun?” She questioned back.

“I….” I was shocked by her straight-forwardness and wanted to say yes but couldn’t bring myself to.

“Do you know why I don’t think you guys are good together?” She asked.

“Why?” I finally asked.

“Seunghyun is vile because he grew up with a silver spoon in his mouth. He never learned to be self-less because he was only taught to be selfish. When Seunghyun was 7 years old, I fired a maid for accidently spilling hot water on him while refilling my tea and from that day forward, Seunghyun knew that he was untouchable. That to be hurt by another was impossible and if it did happen…..those that hurt him would not go unpunished. You my dear grew up learning to protect yourself. Your wickedness is shaped by the horrid environment and the brutal reality of a dog eat dog world. Seunghyun will never understand you and you will never understand him.” She said with a smile.

“So…..you’re here to punish me, for hurting Seunghyun.” I questioned with a deep tone.

“Ha, of course not! I won’t punish you because Seunghyun is an adult now, he needs to learn to fight his own wars and also because I truly do like you. You remind me of myself, except you’re smarter, much smarter than I was in my twenties.” She answered with a smirk.

“I don’t understand….I thought you of all people would understand why I did what I did” I replied.

“Why? Because you heard about my husbands affairs?” She asked sarcastically.

“No…..because we were both hurt by the man we love and cherish.” I answered looking straight into her eye.

I can tell my comment affected her greatly as she quickly shifted her gaze avoiding my eye contact with her.

“You’re so young….what do you know about getting hurt?” She asked with a faked laugh.

“I love Seunghyun, I know that because it hurts so much. I know that because every winter when I’m walking home alone, I think back to that one memory of him holding my hand and blowing his hot breath on it and I would cry….it’s been 3 years since we broke up….but each new tear is still filled with the same amount of pain.” I said as my eyes started to water.

“Then why did you break up with him? Why did you leave?” She asked angrily. “If you knew you loved him so much, why didn’t you stay?” She continued.

“Because I was scared!” I screamed forgetting that I was in a public setting.

“Exactly, you knew he wasn’t good for you. You shouldn’t have come to Shanghai. Now everything is back at point one, we came in a full circle. What is the point of that?” She said avoiding eye contact.

She was right….why did I comeback? Did I comeback to get revenge and then what?

“I came back into his life hoping to get revenge because I was bitter about being the third person. I knew at the time, he loved Hyuna more than anything. She was prettier than me and I wasn’t anything special. Seunghyun and Taeyang used to call me shabby Abby and I would brush it off as a joke because I thought that maybe if I laughed along, it wouldn’t hurt as much. I know they didn’t mean any harm, they were stupid high school boys, what did they know about making fun of girls, it was second nature to them. However, I couldn’t get over it. I wanted to prove to Seunghyun that I was good enough to compete with Hyuna. I didn’t come back out of hate, I came back because of love; because till this day I still care about what Seunghyun thinks of me…..I don’t want to hurt him, I just want him to look at me the same way he looked at Hyuna.” I said.

“Pabo…..stupid girl,” she muttered as I saw a tear fall down her cheek.

“Guys are like that, sometimes they don’t see what they have in front of them and take people most precious to them for granted. Seunghyun liked you a lot; I know this for a fact because after you guys broke up he cut all ties with Hyuna. I have never seen him single for more than a year until you. He lost interest in basketball and music and all he did was study. Yes, he had flings here and there but none of them serious and none of them lasted more than 2 months. You changed him Abby, you were both a blessing and a curse. He took more responsibility in the family business and even went out less.” Mrs. Choi explained with a sad look on her face.

“That wasn’t me Mrs. Choi, I’m sure Seunghyun matured on his own. I can’t take credit for his transformation.” I said looking down at my lap.

“I’m sorry for making this conversation so sensitive for you, I don’t mean for you to be sad. You’re an amazing mother to Seunghyun and he should be grateful for your love. I know you approached me because you love him and I’m sorry I had to put you in this position…..I understand now…..I won’t see him again Mrs. Choi.” I said as I began to cry silently.

“Abby, I’m sorry for coming. You’re a smart girl, a good girl.” She said reassuringly. “Dating is different than marriage, you can always walk out of a relationship but you can’t always walk out of a marriage. I was 25 years old when I found out Seunghyun’s father was cheating on me with his first love; Seunghyun was only 8 months old. I was so upset that I packed my bags and took Seunghyun with me. I still remember that night, the snow was 3 inches thick and the local buses had stopped running. I waited in the blistering cold with Seunghyun for 30 minutes before Seunghyun’s dad came with his driver. He rushed out of the car with a blanket and took my luggage. I looked at him with hatred, how dared he do this to me not even 2 years into our marriage. I was ready to fight and then I looked at Seunghyun who started to cry. His tiny cheeks had gone pink from the biting cold and I thought to myself. What am I doing with an infant out in this weather? In that moment I had to make a decision, not for myself but for Seunghyun.……. I’m not telling you this to justify what I am doing to you right now but because I want to share something intimate about my life; a memory much worse than yours. I lived the next 23 years trying to forget and forgive but each time he goes out with another woman it still hurts like a new cut and I can never be fully numb.” She continued with tears on her face.

I looked at Mrs. Choi in silence, I knew about Mr. Choi’s scandalous lifestyle. My mom told me that he has slept with girls younger than myself. Yet I never thought about the impact of his actions on his wife in such detail until now. Yes, I knew she suffered, I even felt bad for her when they almost divorced back in New York 3 years ago. Yet, I never knew that committing the same crime never gets old, each new betrayal hurts just as much as the last one.

“Abby, Seunghyun will not be half as bad as his father, but he is his father’s son and I know that better than anyone. I am sure you know this yourself.” She muttered.

I didn’t know what to say, is she trying to convince me that marrying Seunghyun will land me the same fate as hers? Is she trying to help me or manipulate me? I really couldn’t tell.

“Thank you Mrs. Choi, I appreciate you telling me all this.” I finally replied.

She wiped her tears and forced on a smile, “ I think I’ve taken up enough of your time, I’ll be on my way now. Like I said before, please let me know if you ever need anything.”

And with that she got up and left leaving me by myself staring out the window of the café.