Another day passed with the usual busy schedules. Gym. Work. ty boss. Bull meetings. Gym. Now am finally home. Another day has passed, still longing for your presence, still missing your warmth, still craving for your attention. I could only draw a bitter smile on my face, thinking why I only have that choice.

Actually I hate to stay at home like this, you know why? Because I could see your shadow every time I threw glances on every corner of my house, your favorite place of hiding, your actual comfort zone. I hate to stay at my room more; you also want to know why? Because I can feel your arms wrapped tightly around my waist when I lay down on the bed. I can smell your scent, your vanilla scented body fragrance. I can hear your voice, singing lullaby for me.

I sat on the bed, my bed, used to be our bed. I remember you slept right here for the first time with me.

Noon, couple years ago

“Your coffee and mine.” I settled down the drinks on the same table at the very same café Jessica and me met for the first time.

“Thank you, Yuri. How much should I pay for this?” She politely asked.

I shook my head. “Nah, that’s my ‘thank you’ for accompanying me today.” I smiled. I asked her to hang out with me since my danshin cousin is busy with her dance class and I got so bored, thank God, I remember Jessica. “Smoke?”

She shook her head and took out her own pack of cigarettes. “I brought my own.” She cutely smiled just before she lit up one and exhaled the smoke. And me just sat there watch her puffing in and out her cigarette with ease. This girl is really a smoker.

“I still can’t believe you’re a smoker, Sica.”

She laughed and tilted her head. Maybe she thought I’m funny, my confusion is funny. “Eh? Why? I don’t have the ‘style’ of the smoker?”

“Something like that. I even thought that you might be knocked out after a puff of that thing.” I pointed at her cigarette and then lit up my own.

She intentionally exhaled the nicotine on my face. “Believe me now?”

I coughed. “Yes.” I fanned the smokes, still coughing. “Yes yes, I believe you.”

“Good.” She smiled. “So, what you wanna do after this? Class again?”

“Nope, I don’t know. Maybe go home. You?”

“I don’t have anything else to do too. Can I go with you?”

“Go home you mean?”

She nodded. “Yep. To your house. Can I?”

Well, I don’t find that it’s weird inviting your friend to your house. I nodded. “Sure, why not.”

An hour later

“And this is my house.” I said while we’re entering my place. “Let’s go to the second floor. That’s where we have the major activities.” I smiled and went upstairs. Jessica followed me, right behind me. “And this is where the magic happens.” I grinned and opened my bedroom.

“Wow.” She took a step inside. “I don’t think you like cleaning.” My face went flat, she giggled. “I was just kidding.” She put her bag near my desk. “Can I sit here?” She asked my permission to sit on my bed.”

“Yep. Make yourself at home. I’m gonna change my clothes first. Hot.” She nodded.

After that, we talked a bit more, smoked a bit more, laughed a bit more, and got closer a bit more. “I’m hungry. Are you hungry?” I asked, Jessica was still enjoying her nicotine joint. She shook her head. “You sure? You haven’t eat anything since we hang out.”

Jessica looked at me and smiled. “I’m sure. I’m not hungry.”

“O…kay. I’ll eat later then.”

She flicked away the cigarette somewhere and stood up. “Can I sleep for a while on your bed?”

“Yep yep. Let’s sleep. I’ll sleep too.” Since I didn’t eat, I think it will be better for me to sleep. I laid my self down on my bed. Slipping my arms under the pillow, closing me eyes and ready to sleep. Seconds later I felt a weight added beside me and onto my arm. I opened my eyes and saw hairs, chestnut hair. Then a sweet, pleasant scent invaded my nose, calming my brain. Then I felt warmth as she scooted closer to my body.

Now, what do I have? Nothing. I lost you means that I lost half of my world, half of my life, and all of my dreams. I lost you also means that I fail to grasp on the only person on earth I could trust to, I could share everything with, I could fight for my life.

How wretched my life is without you here by my side. How poignant I am for yearning your love while I was the one who cut everything off. How pitiful this very person is by being the coward one and not struggling for the only reason to live she had.

How I wish I could turn back time and change the history of you and me.