11^th August 2014 

Everything seemed so distasteful. I don’t even feel like remembering it. It gives a heavy bitter taste to the tongue and it burns it too – kinda like earl grey tea, I think.

I was crying a lot. I broke down in tears in the toilet in school, I broke down in tears at home, but in school, it was a lot better. At least no one saw me, and no one judged me. I just felt like I shouldn’t belong in this world because of who I was. I was, the least to say, confusing.

I’d be happy sometimes, I’d be hardworking and determined to do well in school. I’d be this perfect person I wish I could be every day, with a slightly dangerous risk that scared me. I’d always hope that I didn’t turn into a full-blown psychopath during those times.

Then other times, I’d not care, I’d be indifferent to the whole world and to a certain extent, dread every single waking moment. Falling asleep was better. At least I wasn’t conscious and I didn’t have to face anything real.

Other times, I felt like I wasn’t complete, like I had no meaning to live life, because I was living two very different lives, so I couldn’t focus on one end goal, because these two lives didn’t allow it. I couldn’t commit to anything long-term because I was claimed ‘fickle’ and ‘impatient’. I have been criticised a lot by many people in this world. I usually don’t let them get to me, but every time my parents criticise me, it felt like ing bullets to the heart for me. When my mother asked me why I cried today, she laughed at how ridiculous I was.

I was supposed to be a man, a masculine man who shouldn’t be crying. But I don’t think I could help it. I couldn’t control how I felt even if I tried.

Ma didn’t understand, no one in this world would understand-

Hell, even I didn’t understand myself.

I couldn’t do anything right, but then I couldn’t care to change that, because I was either too confident of myself to convince myself that I’m good enough, or that I didn’t care about anything at all to change. It was so stupid, I often question myself – why am I like this? Why am I so hateable and useless?

I was at a constant battle with my inner angel and devil. It was chaotic, it made no sense and it went out of my own control.

I wanted to end it all because it was so tough.

Ma could scoff at that – aren’t I such a weakling?

I just wanted another life because I didn’t want this one. But I wasn’t so sure if I could get another one after this one ended. I didn’t take that chance. Anyways, I was scared of pills, heights and pain. I’d probably back out of it if I wasn’t reckless.

I sat in my room thinking about all the horrible things that could happen to me in the future. All the pain I would go through in my final year in high school – the fights Ma and I would have, the control and dominance of how I would study, the struggle with my varying moods, and my ultimate failure.

I don’t have the motivation to keep me going, there wasn’t anything I loved so much to look forward to. Maybe one day if I really didn’t care enough, I’d just throw in the towel.

But not today. I was far too weak and emotional to commit suicide. 

Author's Note: I'm sorry for being so late today! I'm still on time though, it's 2 mins before midnight where I am. :)) Hahaha anyways, I hope you enjoyed this update, I'm sorry if it's kinda crappy though. Is it crappy? I gotta know! ><

《 暴风骤雨来了 》-> "Here comes the storm"