17^th August 2014

Even though I may know the reasons why I should live and why I shouldn’t just say goodbye at such an early point in my life, it’s the willpower, or rather, the lack of it, that makes me want to end it.

I hated myself so much that I didn’t wish to carry on being who I was – whoever I was. It got to the point when my hallucinations will always end up with me dying in the most violent way possible. It seemed that even my brain wanted me to die.

My parents still didn’t know what was going on with me, they just assumed I was stressed and left me alone most of the time, unless it was to check on my studies. At least Min asked but I didn’t answer. I didn’t like explaining anything I didn’t want to explain, especially if it’s about myself.

I stoned a lot more these days. It got to the point when I didn’t even move an inch of my muscle for a few hours or so. I actually liked it. It was like I was trapped in the void between consciousness and unconsciousness. I felt like I was somewhat stable. But I probably wasn’t. I was just running away from it all.

I was honestly just trying to get my life together because of how much pressure my parents were constantly putting on me, so I tried to bottle everything up and I really tried to control myself to study properly. But, it wouldn’t work, especially when I was feeling upset and exasperated. I was actually grateful for my hypomanic days, even though I could be a genuine to everyone. I was grateful for my seemingly unlimited energy.

Who knew that I was actually decaying on the inside as everything negative was so supressed all the time. It was painful to lie, but it was better to lie than to let it all out.

I’ll wait another few months till the end of year exam is over… Surely I would be better. I just had to survive for 18 hours a day. I’ll be okay…

Not.

After all, there was an idiom in Chinese: “掩耳盗铃” – you couldn’t get out of a situation even though you have fooled yourself and cheated yourself that you have.

I would often awake to a messy room and dried-up tissues scattered all over the room. And then I realised how dangerous and harmful being unconscious actually was. I frightened myself at how I could be so violent as I’d find ripped books thrown on the floor, pens all over the floor and once, I found blood stains on my table and worksheets.

I would curl up in a ball as I grip my hair and weep loudly, wondering where I went wrong. The chauffeur wouldn’t ever ask about my puffy red eyes in the car on the way to school. And I preferred the silence rather than probing.  

I can’t even explain how complicated my feelings were and how intense each feeling was, so you could probably imagine me as a small air tight bottle with many different gas particles moving at a rapid speed and at a random arrangement. The bottle was slowly shrinking and the space for the particles to move was decreasing, so the pressure keeps increasing. And now imagine this – the bottle is made of glass. Yeah, that’s basically me right now, I guess.

I just didn’t want to go to class today, it felt like there was a repelling force in the classroom door. Every single classroom door was like the south pole of the magnet and I was the south pole of the magnet as well, I just naturally repelled from each class. I couldn’t take this feeling – like I couldn’t breathe, like I was suffocating under the great pressure of the sea, like tears could spill out any moment.

Everything was going in fast motion, students and teachers were bolting past me while I was just walking like a constipated turtle made out of lead. It started getting blurry and something inside me told me to just run, so I did.

I ran in random directions; running up the stairs, running further away from the central of the school building, running past secluded blocks and unused classrooms. I stopped when I saw a red and white tape barricaded on a door. But something inside of me told me to keep going and keep running away. So I did.

It was a rundown bathroom and I opened all the doors of the cubicles to vent some of my anger out. Then I gasped. The third and final cubicle didn’t have a toilet bowl and it wasn’t the usual white tile wall that met my eyes. It was… the rooftop of the school.

I laughed out hysterically in utmost disbelief and a huge smile broke out on my face as I ran out and looked around in amazement.

“This is ing amazing, it’s like heaven.” I thought.

I couldn’t believe it. I had heard of the school having a rooftop but they locked the door to it and threw away the key. Yet there was rumours that a student found another way to get to the school rooftop and this was it. It was the fifth floor bathroom. In fact, the entire fifth floor was deserted so no one ever came up to the fifth floor and everything was barricaded with red and white tape, just like the bathroom I went past. Not even the school staff came up to the fifth floor, not to mention the rooftop.

It felt like I was finally free! The stiffening pain and the suffocating feeling was all gone as I walked around the rooftop at my normal pace. It was pretty big, big enough for 4 classrooms to be built here. There was even… drapes? Did someone live here?

My eyes widened as I walked nearer towards the sheltered area with drapes hanging from it. It looked almost like a typical hipster hang out area and I wondered whether people actually lived here. I was scared and anxious, as if threading on thin ice.

“Hello…?” I asked timidly.

“Hullo.” A voice responded and then a head popped out from the drapes. The man smiled with deep dimples at each side of his cheek and his eyes looked surprised.

I jumped slightly and he was quick to comfort me, “Hey, it’s okay, I’m not gonna hurt you.” And I seemed to have been instantly comforted by his gentle and sweet tone as I walked closer to him. He didn’t flinch and instead, he came out from the drapes.

My eye sockets almost popped out when I saw him in full person, revealing his toned upper body and I swear my face warmed up so fast at the sight of his gorgeous body. I became so flustered that I had completely forgotten my name.

When he caught me gawking, he blushed too and said, “O-oh, I’m so sorry. I just woke up and I don’t normally wear anything waist up when I go to sleep. And no one usually comes here-

“I-it’s okay…” I chuckled embarrassingly as I rubbed my nape and continued, “I don’t mind-

“Of course he doesn’t mind looking at such beauty.” Another voice interrupted me and I abruptly turned around, seeing a tall and handsome guy with a smirk on his face. My blush darkened a darker shade of red as I glanced away from his burning gaze.

The man chuckled in response and said, “Don’t tease the guy, Yi Fan. He looks so embarrassed.”

The other man, whom was probably Yi Fan, replied, “Aw don’t worry, he’s such a cutie, I probably won’t again.”

And I use ‘replied’ again for the same reason as before.

Yi Fan continued, “Oh and how did you get up here?”

“I don’t know… I just kept running cos I didn’t wanna go to class and I ended up on the fifth floor. I saw the red and white tape on the bathroom door, but I just went in anyways. Then I went through the third cubicle and… that’s how I ended up here.” I simply told the exact truth to these people, hoping to not get into trouble.

I saw Yi Fan smile and said, “It’s fate for you to be here, no one should have been able to find the rooftop, but you did. What’s your name, cutie?”

I blushed again and bit my lip when he called me ‘cutie’. It made me feel wanted and loved.

I introduced myself, “I’m Lu Han.”

Yi Fan said, “Hi Lu Han, I’m Yi Fan.”

“And I’m Yi Xing!” he suddenly added as he jumped beside me and placed an arm around my shoulder. It made me feel warm and protected.

Yi Fan then exclaimed, “Oh I just realised something!! We’re all Chinese!!”

Yi Xing chuckled and said, “No , Sherlock.”

We all chuckled along with Yi Xing, and for the longest time, I felt comfortable and not out of place. It just felt… right.

I mostly stayed quiet as the three of us talked in Yi Xing’s made shift living room with stolen chairs and tables from the storage room.

“So, cutie~ will you come here every day to see us then?” Yi Fan asked.

“Every day? Well maybe not every day, but as much as I can.” I promised.

For the entire school day, I was just talking to Yi Xing and Yi Fan, and I got to know them a little. Like how Yi Xing is homeless because he ran away from a troubled home, and Yi Fan is Yi Xing’s brother-like best friend who visits him on the rooftop to give him food and other provisions. I just kept thinking about what happened today and the rooftop to distract myself from what the actual purpose of a rooftop would be for me in this point in time.

It was working.

And I hope it would always work.

I hope. 

《精神崩溃的毁》-> The Mental Breakdown's Destruction