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a/n: sorry for the late chapter. here's an extremely long one to make up for it. also, thank you to my co-creative director (ha puns) karla for helping me brainstorm for this chapter and elle for editing/looking over it too.

Baekhyun’s eyes glanced over the carefully numbered list with his husband’s slightly messy handwriting ruining the lined paper. It wasn’t until his doe eyes landed across number 4 on his list that he spoke,

"Park Chanyeol, are you ing serious?"

He looked up at the other with his eyebrows scrunched up as he was met with nothing but a small grin from his husband. Chanyeol couldn’t help crack an inappropriate smirk at what he put down in ink.

“Number 4: Have exciting in a different place.” Baekhyun read out-loud, holding out the hand with the list clutched between his fingers to give it back to the giant, “You’re gross.” He let out a light-hearted laugh.

“Hey, he said we could put any ual things we wanted as well.” His husband chuckled at the end of his sentence as he reached out to take the list back from Baekhyun.

Baekhyun felt the other’s soft fingertips brush against the back of his fingers and for a slight second, he felt butterflies fill his stomach. Unfortunately, this moment was cut short; Baekhyun’s brain sabotaged him by making him think about Chanyeol and Yoona. How they probably ed in other places. How they probably loved every second of it and the rush it brought. How maybe they even ed in this very car- he needed to stop himself there.

Instead the butterflies in his stomach made it twist and turn in nauseating ways. A sickening feeling overcame him.

Baekhyun quickly handed the list back to his husband and pulled his hand back, scared of their fingers brushing up against each other once more and bringing up unwanted memories. Chanyeol took notice of this sudden change in his mood,

“Are you alright? I can take it off if it bothers you, Baekhyun.” He heard Chanyeol’s voice break the sudden silence between them.

Baekhyun who tried to relax against the seat, looked over at him, “No. It’s fine. I understand if you want to try something different. But…It’ll just take a while for us to get there.”

As Baekhyun spoke he looked away from his husband, afraid to meet those soft eyes and change in his words. “I know that.” He heard him respond as he started the car.

“Don’t worry, I won’t rush anything. Okay? I know it’ll take a bit for us.” Chanyeol reassured him as he began to back up the car from the parking spot they were in. Baekhyun didn’t respond back. The rest of the car ride was filled with nothing but silence with hints of awkwardness hiding within it.

Majority of the time, Baekhyun hated his mind. He despised how it would twist any happy moment for him. It would make things morbid and make him think of only the bad things that could turn out for him. It burdened him. It ruined so much for him.

Baekhyun pulled his own list out of his pocket, unfolded it, and looked down at it. His eyes scanned over the purple tape, his fingertip brushing over it.

He knew one day he’d have to gain control of his mind once more. Maybe this will help.

-

They decided to hang up their individual lists beside each other on their fridge,

Baekhyun’s List:

1. Be comfortable around you again.
2. Get our spark back.
3. Kiss like we used to.
4. Go on date nights.
5. Sleep in the same bed together.
6. Not to work over-time to see you more.
7. Become one in bed once more.
8. Show me that you care.
9. Give you my trust once more.

Baekhyun glanced over his list once more, before placing one teal magnet over the top of the paper. Chanyeol’s lifted his up beside his partners,

Chanyeol’s List:

1. Keep my focus 100% on you.
2. Not let stress overcome me.
3. Become a better person for you.
4. Have exciting in a different place. Always tell you the truth.
5. Move somewhere nicer for us?
6. Sleep next to you again.
7. Try new things with you
8. Take you anywhere you want for dates
9. Convince you I still love you

10.

“And remember,” Minseok’s voice rang through Chanyeol’s head as he placed the list against the fridge and under a magnet, “completing things on this list is important. It holds all the things you need out of this marriage after what you’ve been through. Following it might just be the only way you’ll heal.”

- 14 out of 91; a week later

A week into the lists and there are only a few words to describe it; a huge bust.

Baekhyun still continued to fall into the habit of working late nights to avoid his home. Yet another lost promise broken by just feeling uncomfortable around the other. It had gotten to the point where Baekhyun didn’t even want him sitting next to him.

He knew a change needed to start being made. Baekhyun finally realized on his smoking break earlier today and the pang of guilt in his chest that built up on the car ride home more and more had lead him up to this point.

“You want to what?” Chanyeol knitted his eyebrows together in confusion at Baekhyun’s words.

Baekhyun’s cheeks blushed a light crimson as he repeated his words, “I said, maybe…we should try to sleep in the same bed tonight.”

Chanyeol blinked a few times as he placed down the paperwork he was working onto the coffee table in front of him, standing up, “Are you sure? Shouldn’t we go in order of the list?” He questioned.

Baekhyun fiddled with his fingers in front of him as he tried to explain, “I mean...Minseok didn’t say we’d have to. I think we should just go about it in ways we want.” He looked up at the giant,

“And this is what you want?” Chanyeol asked.

“Yes. I just…” Baekhyun wanted to so desperately explain how every time he lays in their bed alone at night, how his mind wanders into its darkest depths and eats him alive every moment, especially in that room. Every thought he has about him and her, every self-deprecating thought that’ll come to his head - it was too much sometimes.

“- get lonely sometimes...” But he knows he can’t explain right now. Baekhyun can’t bring himself to tell him.

He figured maybe his presence will at least give him enough reassurance to not cry himself to sleep again in fear of waking him up.

He watched as his husband’s expression softened. “Alright, as long as you’re okay with it. I’ll do it.” He smiled softly at him and Baekhyun felt relief wash over him.

Baekhyun just hoped this helped, someway - somehow. But there was also a small part of him that genuinely just missed sharing the bed with the giant anyway. Maybe it’ll help their relationship? It is on their list after all.

But what Baekhyun didn’t expect was the giant leaning down and attempting to place a soft peck on his cheek. He didn’t even know how to appropriately react. All he could do was jump back from the oncoming peck as if it startled him. It wasn’t the first time the giant had attempted to peck his cheek this past week. It always resulted in him mumbling an apology and changing the topic.

Chanyeol looked at him confused but then remembered,

“Oh... I’m sorry.” He quickly mumbled, moving back. “I kind of got lost there. I hope I didn’t cross any line,” he apologized.

Baekhyun blinked in awe then relaxed. “It’s fine,” he quickly replied and looked down.

Chanyeol sighed and moved passed him to go clear off their dining room table.

“You’ve been working late again for the past week...” He began to mention as he grabbed plates off the table. “Any reason why?”

Baekhyun bit down on his lip. How was he supposed to admit it was hard to break his old habit? His habit of constantly avoiding bed until late hours of the night so his thoughts won’t consume him for too long in the comforts of his own home.

“Just wanting to make some extra money this month, Yeol.” He lied through his teeth.

Before his husband could respond he stretched his arms dramatically and pulled the most realistic yawn he could, “I’ll go get ready for bed. Come when you’re done.”

Baekhyun made his way to their bedroom and quickly got changed before the other came in.

Chanyeol felt annoyed. He just felt like Baekhyun wasn’t trying or even following the list they vowed to follow for each other. But, he knew it wasn’t time for an argument.

As the taller made his way to the bedroom after putting the now clean dishes away, he walked in as he saw the other pulling the sheets up on his designated side to crawl under.

His eyes glanced over his attire. A long t-shirt and just his boxers, typical Baekhyun pajama attire. Honestly, Baekhyun’s outfit made him forget about what annoyed him for a moment.

After finally slipping off his dress shirt and pulling thin pajama pants over his waist, Chanyeol crawled in bed next to the other. It felt awkward and they remained on their own sides, no cuddling or touching. Hell, Baekhyun wouldn’t even face him while laying down.

But, Chanyeol knew this was going to take baby steps. It was just surprising that Baekhyun even let him lay with him again so soon.

16 out of 91 ; two days later ;

The past two days of sleeping next to each other had been… awkward. They had been filled with nothing but awkward silences. Every time Chanyeol woke up in the morning and had accidentally pulled the smaller close to him in his sleep, he was engulfed by a cringeworthy feeling at the sight of Baekhyun through his groggy gaze, scrunching up his nose in confusion and pulling his limbs off him when his alarm rang in the morning. It was a big contrast from the old days where he’d embrace the taller back and stay there an extra five minutes just to be in his protective grasp for a little bit longer.

They are now on their third night and Chanyeol doesn’t see any hope of it getting better just yet.

After thirty minutes of silence had passed between them, Chanyeol assumed Baekhyun had fallen asleep. Yet, little did he know Baekhyun was once more letting his mind consume him. The slightly drowsy Chanyeol was about to try to sleep until he heard the smaller speak up,

“Did you bring her into this bed?”

“Huh?” Chanyeol turned to face the back of Baekhyun.

“I said, did you bring Yoona into this bed?” He could hear the hints of bitterness lingering behind every word.

Lying would only make things even worse but, god knows what telling the truth will unleash. Chanyeol knew what he had to say.

“Baekhyun, why do you want to have this conversation right now? It’s 1 am.”

“I deserve to know.” He huffed as he turned around to face the taller. Baekhyun knew maybe this wasn’t the time or place right now. But, he couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t stand sleeping there for countless nights without knowing the truth.

“Answer me.” Baekhyun repeated and silence filled them for a moment. He watched as his husband’s eyes fell from his gaze, just like they did the night he got caught cheating.

“Yes.” And just that one little word set a fire inside Baekhyun once more.

Baekhyun sat up, not hesitating to grab the pillow that he once laid his head on and threw it directly at Chanyeol’s face. “And you didn’t think to ing tell me that?! You seriously let me sleep here for two weeks now knowing you and her had here?!”

“Baekhyun, calm down- “Chanyeol tried to urge his husband as he sat up in bed but Baekhyun already stood up.

“You didn’t think that would bother me, Chanyeol?” Baekhyun didn’t hesitate to pull open his closet doors and lean up on his tiptoes to pull his luggage from the top shelf, “I can’t stay here.”

Chanyeol got up from the bed, “Running away isn’t going to solve anything, Baekhyun!”

“Yeah? Well I don’t care anymore. I’m over it.” He started packing clothes into the suitcase in a rush. “It’s been a week since those stupid lists and nothing has changed! It’s like you’re not trying!”

Chanyeol knitted his eyebrows together at his last remark. “Me?” He spoke in a hurt tone as he went to grab his wrist, trying to stop the smaller who was hurriedly packing clothes into the suitcase, “I’m not trying? You’re the one not trying!” He argued back.

“Excuse me?” He tried to rip his wrist out of his husband’s grip. “Last time I checked the lists, you’re the one who promised to tell me the truth! Yet once again, see where we are!” Baekhyun yelled.

“And you’re some saint here?! Last time I checked,” He spoke mimicking the other, “You put down on that list you’d stop working overtime and work on getting comfortable again! For Christ sakes, you won’t even let me kiss your cheek or touch your hand without pulling away from me!” “And let's not leave out that you’ve been working late still! It’s been a week since the lists have been up, yet it seems like you’re not very keen to follow them either.” He took a deep breath trying to recollect himself, “I try to understand you, Baekhyun! I do! I try to respect your boundaries, but it gets so hard!”

Baekhyun just looked at him with a glossy wide-eyed stare, before completely ripping his wrists away from Chanyeol’s tight grip. “You don’t understand anything.” He bitterly replied as he continued to pack his clothes away.

“What am I not understanding, Baekhyun? Tell me!” Chanyeol pressed a bit further but Baekhyun knew he couldn’t say it. He knew Chanyeol wouldn’t understand his head and why it's so hard for him to break the habit of avoiding his home, especially now with their current situation. “Tell me so I can understand. I want to understand.”

Baekhyun felt tears building up and his throat tighten. He knew he couldn’t spill all his issues right here, right now. They haven’t built it up to the point where he felt comfortable doing so. So, he tried to keep it to the surface of his issues.

“I just- I feel like everything is weighing me down, Chanyeol.” He sniffled as he looked up at him, “Every single night that I lay in this bed I overthink and cry, because I have no clue what parts of the house that I live in have been tainted by your little affair.” He turned away from his bag to completely face the taller.

“It just breaks my heart all over again. You let me lay there in that bed knowing you’ve brought her into it.” He admitted as his gaze fell. “And it’s not even just the bed! It’s just this whole place. I feel like it’s infested. I feel like it just taunts me now. That’s why- I-I kind of been avoiding it.”

He took a deep breath, “And when you touch me, I just think of how you probably touched her, and I just wonder what did she have that I didn’t? What was so different that you had to cheat on me? Did she touch you differently than me? Did she give you something I couldn’t? My mind just constantly wanders and questions because I don’t know.”

Chanyeol just looked at him with a tear-filled stare, “Baekhyun, I’m sorry. I just-” He sighed, “I guess we both haven’t been doing anything right especially me. I know I should have told you.” Baekhyun nodded.

“I know it’s no excuse, I let my thoughts drag me down and prevent me from making process.” He looked back up at the giant, “I know there needs to be effort on both sides. It’s just so hard, Chanyeol.”

“I understand it is, Baekhyun. I do. It’s going to be hard at first, we’re both going to have to make sacrifices and put our guards down for the sake of this marriage.” The taller spoke as he unconsciously raised his hand to cup the smaller’s cheek to brush away the tear that were threatening to spill from his eyes.

“I know how hard it will be to convince you that my words are genuine but please don’t think you are not good enough just because I was an idiot. You’re the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and I took it for granted.” Chanyeol spoke with regret lacing his tone.

Baekhyun for the first time, didn’t tense up under his touch but instead, relaxed against his palm. He had no clue why the touch was so calming for him at the moment. Chanyeol took notice but didn’t want to point it out, afraid that it might ruin the moment. “And I’m not sure if this will completely solve the bed problem but, how about we get a new one?”

Baekhyun scrunched his eyebrows together at his husband’s broad proclamation, “As much as I think it might help a bit, we can’t afford it, Yeol.” Baekhyun sighed.

“I don’t care if we can’t afford it. If it’ll help us right now, that’s all I care about.” He heard the giant protest.

“Maybe we can discuss it when we have the extra money.” Baekhyun replied, defeated and tired eyes glancing over that it was now almost 2 am.

He continued, “I have to get up at 8 am for work. I don’t have time to go on some midnight adventure with you. Also, we don’t even know if it’ll help. We could just be wasting our time and especially, money we don’t have.” Baekhyun made his way past the other, “I’m just- going to go sleep on the couch. You can have the bed for tonight.”

“But-” He heard the whimper of his husband and Baekhyun was quick to walk out of the room before his husband with his crazy ideas could convince him otherwise.

-

Yet, it didn’t stop Chanyeol from dragging him out of bed once 10 am rolled around on his clock. Baekhyun woke up to a grinning Chanyeol shaking him softly and whispering for him to wake up.

“If you don’t hurry and get up, I’ll just carry you, Baekhyunnie.” He heard his husband whisper as Baekhyun began to open his eyes.

“What the hell are you talking about?” He groaned as he sat up and rubbed his tired eyes. Baekhyun grabbed his phone and looked at the time. You could practically see the color leave his skin as he noticed it was past 8 am, “Holy . I’m two hours late.”

He panicked as he tried to push past the giant and rush to the bedroom to get dressed. Before he could however, he was grabbed by the arm and pulled back. “What are you doing? I need to go!” he huffed as he narrowed his eyes at the smiling giant.

“I already called out for you,” Chanyeol responded.

“And why did you do that?”

“Well, I felt like you needed a day off and also, I wanted to show you what I got.” And with his husband’s words, Baekhyun could already feel the hole burning into their wallet.

“Did you buy what I think you bought?” Baekhyun groaned as he felt the other’s hand grab his wrist.

“Come on! It’s not as bad as you think!” Chanyeol laughed as he dragged him to their room. “It was a good deal!”

“It will be bad when we can’t pay our power bill this month.” Baekhyun replied but let the taller pull him into their bedroom anyways.

“I told you not to worry about that, I had some extra money on the side. It’s okay, I handled it Baekhyun.” Chanyeol attempted to try and relax his significant other’s mind as he pulled him in front of their new mattress and… sheets?

“You got sheets as well for it?” Baekhyun questioned as he stared upon the royal blue sheets that strangely went perfectly with their white walls. Baekhyun was silently glad he at least considered the color coordination of their room.

The other nodded, “Felt like those needed to go too. I mean we needed a bit of an update anyways, don’t you think?” Chanyeol glanced over at the smaller whose arms were crossed over his chest as his dark orbs scanned the new change of setting, nervous for his reaction.

He was relieved to see a small smile on Baekhyun’s soft lips. “Not going to lie, it does actually make me feel a bit-at peace,” but it quickly faded as he let out a sigh, “Doesn’t mean it makes me feel completely better but I guess it is an improvement. It’s a push for the better. I just hate that you had to spend money on it though.” He turned towards him as Chanyeol moved closer.

“I’ll do anything it takes in order to get us on the right track.” The taller shot him a smile and Baekhyun couldn’t help but give one back,

“I’m sorry for not trying right off the bat. I’ll take this list more seriously. I promise.” Baekhyun swore to his partner as he looked down at his hand and hesitantly reached in and grabbed his husband’s hand. It wasn’t a tight grip - it was light and soft, but it was enough for now.

His finger ran over the wedding ring that decorated Chanyeol’s ring finger.

“Me too. I want to make this work and I’ll do anything it takes for that. I want to be better for you, Baekhyun.” He slightly tightened his grip back on Baekhyun’s hand.

“I promise.”

Chanyeol’s List:

1. Keep my focus 100% on you.
2. Not let stress overcome me.
3. Become a better person for you.
4. Always tell you the truth.
5. Move somewhere nicer for us?
6. Sleep next to you again.
7. Try new things with you
8. Take you anywhere you want for dates
9. Convince you I still love you

Baekhyun’s List:

1. Be comfortable around you again.
2. Get our spark back.
3. Kiss like we used to.
4. Go on date nights.
5. Sleep in the same bed together.
6. Not to work over-time to see you more.
7. Become one in bed once more.
8. Show me that you care.
9. Give you my trust once more.