Dae Hyun laid lost in thought. Slowly picking through his memories and feelings, trying to sort out all the broken pieces and see what could be repaired. His head hurt from trying to decide which memory brought him the most pain. He knew thinking with his head wasn’t going to help him. No he needed to think with his heart. Feel through each emotion and let his heart decide what he should do. As much as he feared to let his heart win, it was the only way he would get through this mess he called his mind.

Song Ji Eun. The woman he had fallen in love with. He had done all he could to impress her. He was overjoyed when she had agreed to mate with him, but mating wasn’t really an agreement between two people. At least not from what he had seen and learned. It was to be an uncontrollable urge of the heart and body. He loved her with all his being but she… she didn’t love him. As hard as her tried he couldn’t get more than a brief moment of affection. He was amazed that she had even gotten pregnant, since she hardly ever let him touch her. Even so she was everything to him. She had become his only family and his family was only getting bigger since she was carrying their child.

But he didn’t know much about her. She refused to tell him more than she deemed necessary. He didn’t know much about who she was. He learned through trial and error though she seemed to change once he thought he had something figured out. He knew she was friends with Yong Guk though they didn’t go to the same school. But that was about as far as his knowledge went. Well that and her birthday, she loved being spoil and he loved spoiling her.

Learning about her darker side frightened him. It was like they were telling him about someone entirely different. How could Ji Eun do something so cruel, especially to a very close friend? And to Young Jae who had done nothing to deserve being beaten and traumatized, he was trying to save Him Chan. Was she sick? Did she snap from some sort of stress? He couldn’t figure anything out about her. Not her pregnancy, her mood swings, her pain, or her death. The woman he loved seemed to be nothing more than an image he had painted into his head.

Yoo Young Jae. He didn’t know where to begin. This boy who he was going to be forced to mate was someone he had become close to so quickly that it scared him. He knew more about him in a week that he did Ji Eun of two years. He was book smart, funny, silly, irritating, and more than anything, to him, pure. Through all the pain he had felt he remained happy, fighting through the pain trying to turn things to the better. He learned of his fears and pains of the past, his worries for the present and his plans for the future. He could read his heart like an open book and he was willing to share everything with Dae Hyun.

He had looked past the fact that there were going to be forced together. He was looking for something more. Something that showed promise; a promise of a bright and happy future. He wanted love. He didn’t want a mate. He wanted someone to show him love, someone to love him as him. He managed to shove past the fact that he was the father of his babies for someone who could possibly show him love. Even risking a broken heart.

He had flat out rejected him and he still hoped that things would change. He wasn’t looking for better because he felt that he was what was best for him. Dae Hyun wished he could tell him that there was more to the world than just him, but the blonde would just cry and wait again. He couldn’t understand why he would wait.

And this blonde was willing to forgive him for everything. From rejection all the way to attempted . He couldn’t shake off the fact the blonde scared him. All the emotions the slightly younger boy caused him to feel so much at once.

He couldn’t deny that he felt joy on learning about Young Jae's pregnancy though it scared him to know he could be the father. Angry at Jong Up for almost Young Jae, but he understood the younger’s confusion. Finding out he was the father was like a blow to the groin. All the possibilities of what could happen swirled around him in a complex maelstrom.

Rejecting him hurt. He could see the pain, confusion and fear in his brown eyes. When the man tried taking Young Jae as a mate and murdering his baby had put him into a blinding rampage. He almost forced himself on to Young Jae, though the younger was scared at first; he was alright with it. Dae Hyun was not alright though. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to mate with another.

But Young Jae didn’t get a choice did he? No, Dae Hyun had already gone over that problem. And now here the blonde was: unwillingly impregnated and carrying twins comfortably in his swollen tummy; nearly , not once, not twice, but three times all in the span of three and a half months. He was more than willing to give Dae Hyun a family, he was ready to be a mother to his children, but he needed the father to support him. Dae Hyun couldn’t bring himself to do it. What could he possibly give to the blonde? He gave everything had to Ji Eun but it wasn’t enough. How could he give anything more to someone much more deserving?

How could he be so selfish? Young Jae was giving him everything he had ever wanted more in fact. And at once and all he asked for was love. He couldn’t give him anything, not even that. Could he? Could he truly walk out on him and his babies? They were just as much of victims as he was. They needed him. Young Jae was stubborn but he was willing to throw away his pride to reach out for a love that he could possibly never receive. Willing to take the heart break over and over again, to torture himself for even a fraction of something.

He knew the blonde was raised by his father alone. He knew why he was willing to be hurt. He didn’t want his babies to grow up the way he had, only it would be harder since he had two. He already knew he couldn’t really teach his babies if either of them became Carriers in the future. If they become Dominates he was lost. He would have to find a mate willing to accept his children but the chances were slim.

It pained him to know that the blonde would refuse a chance at love to protect his children. They would always come first. And the chance of the blonde finding someone else drove him insane. Jong Up was probably right. He would regret losing Young Jae, but was Young Jae really his to claim?

Several days passed him by as he sorted himself out. He knew what would hurt the most. With his hand over his heart he knew where it belonged. Losing Young Jae and his… their children; the children that may not have been created by love but would still gain all the love in his heart. He loved Young Jae but did Young Jae love him? Though there was a chance that Young Jae was going to try pushing him away after what he had said the other day. He may have taken too long and the blonde probably became tired of waiting and hurting. He might’ve even accepted Jong Up's affection…

He was feeling so frustrated. For everything that had happened what should’ve happened. Though he might’ve regretted it at first, he wished Yong Guk hadn’t arrived in time to pull him off of Young Jae… But he wouldn’t want to be taken so coldly. He need to be shown love not abuse. He needed to be taken the right way. He needed to let him know that he had just as much of a choice as him. That he wasn’t going to be forced. Dae Hyun wanted nothing more than to take Young Jae into his arms but he couldn’t. He didn’t know if the blonde was ready for him to make his move nor did he know if he was a wake still.

He’d have to wait… there had to be a way for him to know how the other was feeling. There had to be some sort of window of opportunity. He remembered Yong Guk explaining how he could feel when Him Chan's body was ready to be mated but how could he tell with Young Jae? Did Young Jae need to be open with his feelings? Or did he have to search for them? Was he still fighting with them? He seemed so sure that he loved him the other day, did that change?

No, he had to stay positive. It was his turn to wait. Young Jae was now the one leading. He had to wait for the younger to let him know when he can make a move or if he even wanted him. He was going to give him the power over him. Maybe if the younger noticed how willing he was to crawl on his knees for him maybe he would give him another chance and give him the chance to prove himself. Or at least give him a hint of what he should do?

One thing he was sure about, frustration was going to eat him alive for several days…

Young Jae laid in bed. He couldn’t sleep. He didn’t know why and it aggravated him to no end. It was becoming harder to sleep at nights, he was feeling restless. Something was keeping him up but he couldn’t find what it was. All he knew was it called him deep from within his being. Something was calling to him, questioning him, but he didn’t know how to answer or if there was a way to answer. The questions were silent and the meaning was eating at him to be solved. A never ending circle of question already floated through his troubled mind, he didn’t need more piling themselves on top of them. Why wouldn’t these mysterious questions stop bugging him at night? He just wanted to sleep and forget about his loneliness, but they brought it back to him.

He wanted to talk to Him Chan about it but he didn’t want to worry him anymore than what he had. He would have to ask Yong Guk about these aggravating calls that deprived him of sleep. He was becoming frustrated and anxious throughout the day that the maknaes had to tip-toe around him in case they accidently did something to offend him. He didn’t mean to snap at them, he was just tired and needed some answers.

As embarrassing and frightening as it was it was he wasn’t going to ask ever again as to why his body was feeling so hot. It was getting almost unbearable but he wasn’t going to try what Dae Hyun had taught him. He knew he was loud and he couldn’t be here. Everyone would hear him and know what he was doing. Even though they knew it was his hormones fault they would still mercilessly and he didn’t want that. He just wanted the feeling to go away. Even thinking of touching himself scared him; he was amazed he had gotten through with the deed in front of Dae Hyun. And Dae Hyun even touched him, though he was only showing him what he had asked for.

He should’ve known thinking of Dae Hyun wouldn’t help him. It made his body grow hotter. His heart hurt even more than the fire running in his blood. He loved him but he had a lot of things to sort out, even then he wasn’t guaranteed a place in his heart. He would be grateful to even still be friends. Maybe he would still be part of the babies’ lives. He didn’t have to be their father if he didn’t want to just …. Just as long as he was able to be by the elder’s side.

The pain of not having someone love you back was what brought him and Jun Hong close. They shared a similar pain and they could only hope that they would be loved back one day. Or learn to move on and find someone who was willing to love them. But Young Jae wasn’t ready to move on. He didn’t want to. He wanted Dae Hyun even if he didn’t want him and he would wait as long as he had to…