Let me start at the beginning.
 

I entered the company a little before my fifteenth birthday. It was in October of 2019, at the height of autumn when the air turned crisp and leaves clustered the streets in red and yellow. My Chuseok holidays had been devoted to auditions at various Entertainment companies so I was waiting for the callbacks. One evening watched TV in the living room when the phone rang and my mother answered. I could hear her making noises of agreement a few times before she turned towards me with wide eyes and wispered: “Somang, it’s Arthouse Media!”
 

My interest in Kpop had only started the summer before. Initially I wasn't a big fan of pop music, or pop culture for that matter. The problem with Kpop was that the vocals were overprocessed and the songs relied too much on hooks instead of more complex melodies. Things onlychanged a little after I received tickets for a musical performance at the National Theater of Korea. For everyone who is unaware, this is the most prestigious Theater in South Korea that would only accept the most distinguished musical actors. It's every South Korean theater kids' dream to perform there, working with the most gifted actors of our generation while the heirs of South Korea's biggest conglomerates are in attendance. But when I checked the pamphlet for the line up, a few of the musical performers were idols.

I must admit that I wasn’t too happy with that and I feared they would ruin the stage with their lack of skills. And regarding some of them, my concerns were justified as they strained their voices and used bad techniques like I expected from a pop singer. Others, however, surprised me by not losing out to the musical actors. Among them was Xiah Junsu whose voice gave me goosebumps a few times, reaching notes as high as A4 effortlessly and showing a spectacular show. I couldn’t help but to replay his singing in my head, it was a thought that kept me awake even when I was trying to fall asleep. Since I couldn't stop thinking about it, I needed to consume more content, so I looked up his performances on youtube until I knew his career trajectory and his current and former idol group, JYJ and TVXQ. And then I watched some interviews and collaborations and thus, picked up other Kpop groups as well, thus I fell into a rabbit hole.

As I delved into the genre, I discovered that idols received free lessons in singing and dancing. They gambled years of their youth for a shot at wealth and fame by their mid-twenties. If they turned successful, they often were set for life as the ticketing power of their fanbase would secure them lead roles despite their lack of experience. Of course I also came across the negative aspects, the grueling schedules and strict diets. But at fourteen, I brushed aside the parts I didn’t like until they slipped my mind entirely.

At the end of an evening spent reading about the training process, I set my mind on becoming a Kpop idol. I didn't think it through, the idea simply popped up in my mind and I held onto it, deciding that this would be myfuture without ever looking back. I saw it as a shortcut to my actual dream of the Broadway glam, an opportunity to soak up knowledge and privileges. So I compiled a list of large and medium sized companies and worked my way through.

The possibility of failure never crossed my mind, I knew I could sing and I was about the age companies were looking for so for me, it was just a matter of time before I passed an audition. I knew that some places would reject me but there HAD to be a company that would view me as an asset. So when the call came and my mother answered the phone, she was the only one who was surprised. Arthouse wasn’t one of the biggest players and thus not my first choice but it was decent, their partnership with Hybe indicated potential for growth and I’ve regularly overheard people at my school talking about Pyxis. In order to sign the contract, they requested all of my school records, any part time jobs and my current and previous social media accounts. Nothing they found seemed to deter them and after deleting any trace of me from the internet, I was officially accepted as a trainee.

Since I lived in Seoul, I didn’t immediately needed to move to the trainee dorms. But my education was a different topic, the management arranged my transfer to SOPA, a prestigious high school of the performing arts, in the middle of the school year. I never found out why that was necessary but I welcomed the decision since it presented me with a new start among other artistically inclined people. Training was tiresome but rewarding. I quickly realized that I was one of the best singers among the trainees, if not the best. I aced the singing lessons and even though dancing still was my weakness, I didn't let that deter me.

A few weeks into training I found out about a special group of trainees that recently started to train separately in the preparation of a debut and I knew I had to become a part of that, I needed them to recognize what I was capable of. So I trained even harder, stayed up late to practice my vocals. Other trainees complained about me singing too loudly, but I never backed down for long. Any company official who passed the trainee floor should be able to hear me and become curious about the new girl with the powerful vocals.

Three months into being a trainee, my plan seemingly succeeded as I was chosen for the debut project, replacing another trainee who had been kicked out from the team. The rumor mill was ripe with speculation about a secret boyfriend or a school bullying record, but officials never let the actual reason sicker through. Whatever it was, at the end of the day it benefited me and I moved into the special training unit dorm the day after receiving the message. Management didn’t want to waste time after the announcement, I suppose, I even found a single sock in between the bed frame and the mattress that my predecessor must’ve forgotten while packing. The other trainees of the debut team were polite when they showed me the amenities and the rules of living together. No one mentioned their former teammate but on the first night, I heard muffled crying from the bunk bed opposite me.

From there on, the schedule increased in intensity and the feedback became more individualized. Our days were packed with practice, in the recording studios we attended singing lessons, narrating lessons and script reading. Naturally, I excelled at those. In addition we practiced dancing, of course, and went to the gym, each of us with a different workout plan based on our body types. The group was rehearsing new, unreleased songs and so I had to pull all-nighters to catch up with the rest. Parts were switched occasionally when a trainee couldn’t do them justice and that way I ended up with a considerable amount of adlibs and a negligible amount of center time. I wasn’t the last trainee who was switched in the lineup and each time it caused a setback, a tearful goodbye and a bright-faced new girl who had to learn the songs and choreographies and find her place among the group.

Every month leading to our debut we had an evaluation with our CEO Bae Oksun and CCO Shim Jojeong. In the first month, the latter spread out pictures of the December photoshoots from the time I still hadn’t been added and the January ones before declaring that the group harmony had greatly improved with my addition. I curiously examined the older photos. The girl I replaced was around fourteen to sixteen, with a short statue and a cute, round face. Maybe there was a difference only people inclined in the visual arts could spot, because to me, we looked so much alike that the harmony seemed almost unchanged. But with the busyness of my training, I soon forgot about that thought.

There were days in which all we did was interviews, twelve hours of tests on our abilities to express ourselves and give  diplomatic answers. Then there were Vlive lessons, in which we were put in front of a running camera and had to entertain an imaginary audience for hours with minimal cues. Those days my voice would become so raw from all the talking that my throat would hurt.

However, the classes I struggled most with involved posing. We had selfie classes that taught us how to come up with good photo cards but the real challenge was the endless amount of professional photo shoots. We would practice for many different concepts and wearing dozens of outfits, switch up our standing positions and imitate poses and expressions shown to us. They tested our facial chemistry in groups of twos and threes and also photographed us individually before going through the pictures and nitpicking everything we did. The flashes were so bright that dark spots would dance in front of my eyes whenever I finished those schedules and it took me some time until I could see normally again.

One thing that I was unprepared for was the amount of change my looks would undergo. My hair underwent a series of dramatic alterations. First it was bleached blonde which turned it into even more of a brittle mess. Then extensions were clipped in. After it was dyed auburn and I was given fake bangs before the extensions were removed and finally they settled for a short bob cut with highlights. We must have been put through a hundred make-up styles each, the differences sometimes so subtle that I wouldn’t have picked up on them if the chatty stylist hadn't mentioned them while applying eyeshadow to my face.

My skin was also treated with skincare and whitening products at a clinic and my body hair removed with multiple sessions of laser treatment. Shortly before debut, fillers were added to the cosmetic procedures. I had a fear of needles so I started crying in my chair when they approached me with the syringe. In the end manager Lee had to hold my hand and softly give me encouraging words during the procedure. The doctor also recommended a blepharoplasty, even showed me an edited picture of the effects it would have on my looks but I vehemently refused. The fillers had been enough for me.

Kpop Survival Shows are always filled with conflicts but our training was the opposite. Admittedly, I didn’t pick up on it. I wasn’t thinking about the lack of fighting or how superficial all of our conversations were, too single-mindedly focused on the training process. But long after our debut there was a time I complained about our group dynamics to one of the members, “Why can’t we get along? It seemed to work so well during our trainee days.” And she laughed and said that they just didn't want to argue before their debut was finalized. Everyone apparently had been afraid to be cut for having an argumentative personality or not fitting into this group setting so they were careful about the topics they brought up and kept their opinions to themselves around newcomers like me, who they didn't know too well.

Despite a few negative aspects, I was elated during that time. I felt like I was recognized as someone special, a person with an outstanding voice, plenty of drive and most importantly, star factor. Being chosen filled me with giddiness. I found myself unable to sleep some nights no matter how tired I was, and I just laid in my upper bunk and smiled at the ceiling, grateful for this chance I did not intend to waste. It was my motivation to try harder, up the aspects of training I had no love for and put on a happy face whenever our producer would play us another generic commercial pop song that might end up on our debut album.

I had always believed in myself but at times I felt like I was the only one. I had been ridiculed for my ambition and sidecasted for people who I did not consider more talented than me. I was willing to work hard but I wasn’t given many opportunities to do so. Arthouse Media changed that, they wanted me so much that they were ready to invest billions of Won into my musical career despite me being one of the youngest and newest trainees. At that moment, my loyalty knew no bounds and I was determined to prove they put their faith in the right person.

Nowadays I know better - it wasn’t my uniqueness that got me there, I just fit into the mould they needed to fill. They booted out a young girl with strong vocals and a cute image and needed someone similar to replace her. They liked the synergy they came up with but either her background or her relationship status disqualified her from a debut so a hardworking girl who played by the rules was needed to take over her role. In the end I debuted mainly through luck. That realization would have been crushing if it dawned on me at a younger age, so I guess there are upsides to being naive and not understanding how this industry works.

It’s ironic, how teens would dedicate their youth to training, hone their skills and show utmost dedication to their craft yet in the end their results depended on arbitrary reasons like pre-determined concepts for each member or facial chemistry.

Looking back, I can only hope Arthouse Media has a different talent development team by now, or at least better strategies for team building. But then again, we weren’t this dysfunctioal in the beginning. I guess this sums up my trainee experience. My belief in my abilities saved me from the anxiety the other girls must have felt watching their team members replaced by other trainees in the blink of an eye. I didn’t know them for long so the goodbyes meant less to me. In my eyes, training wasn’t that cruel, it was mostly stifling. I wonder whether I would have stayed under this systemif debut opportunity hadn't presented itself from the start, would my individualism or my stubbornness have prevailed?

Whatever that would’ve been, in the end I made it through the trials of the project group and debuted by July 2020 at the age of fifteen. Back then I assumed the broad spectrum of pre-debut schedules prepared me well for the spotlight, but I was mistaken. Our trainee days were nothing in comparison to what would await us after our debut, but that’s a story for another time. This seems to be a good point to end the chapter, a dive into our days as trainees and what those entailed. I don’t know if the training process is similar at other companies or if Arthouse was an outlier but I expected more singing and dancing and less of everything else when I signed up.

To everyone reading, thank you for sticking with me until here. Next time I will write about our debut.