I flip the thick Holy Bible, desparately searching for a verse that would calm my nerves. It is dark now, and my only source of light is the bright tablelamp that illuminates my room. I scan through the verses that are marked with highlighters and lines, trying to find one that suits my predictament now. 

Honestly, I do not understand what situation I have landed myself onto exactly. Is it my mixed-up feelings as a result of the multiple little problems that threaten to bring me down, or is it something else?

I sigh with all the strength I can muster, but it comes out like a yawn. I may be exhausted. Am I tired already? I glance at my watch that shows 1:35 AM. The time of the day reminds me that I should sleep, but I do not want to. 

My eyes focus on a certain verse: 1 Corinthians 6:9. They hurt, and I blink for some time before reading the verse silently. 

"Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither ors, nor idolators, nor adulterers, nor effimanate, nor homouals,"The word 'homoseuxals' does not help my situation, it merely intensifies the dread I feel. Seeing the comma that indicates that the teachings does not end yet, my vision travel to the next verse. 

"nor theives, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God." 

Really? Does God hate me so much that he won't let me inherit the kingdom of God? To be honest, I have no idea why others think that homouality is a sin. I find this concept weird, even when I'm one myself. 

To be honest, it seems so surreal that I am gay, when I am a devout Christian and Christianity says homoulity is a sin. 

I clench onto the hem of my shirt to cope with the fear that I feel. Despite worshipping him with my whole life, I can't inherit the kingdom of God? I don't know why I am gay myself!

I close the book forcefully and retreat back to my bed. I close my eyes, in an attempt to forget the fury that is rising.

Yet it's just another verse that wants to destroy me. 

"Why, God?" I ask softly. 

No answer is given to me. I will not listen to it anyway.

Going to church is compulsory. I have to worship the Lord, in the spacious hall where there will be a choir singing gospel music. God is this, God is that, God is just so almighty. 

Did I go to church just because I am afraid of God, or was I still under the illusion that going to church will make me holy and therefore be able to go to heaven? Visiting the holy place will not make me straight! 

I guess the reason I go is because Taemin and Jonghyun will be there. 

"Minho!" I hear Jonghyun call. I turn to see a smiling Jonghyun wave at me, then run to me. 

"Hey." I reply, trying to look interested in worship to uphold my image as the 'devout Christian', but I was a secret rebel. I give a smile to him. 

"You look handsome today." He tells me and sits down. 

"I've always been handsome." I retort playfully. 

"You've always looked like an alien." He puts his bag on the floor.  

"Shut up, Jonghyun." He follows my instruction and we stayed silent. 

As expected, the members of the choir are darting around the large stage, finding their respective places. They are always wearing white robes. People in church stopped talking when they heard music play. 

We are sitting at the wooden benches and I look at the lyrics projected on the screen but none of them relates to me, when I sin and I cannot find a stop to that. 

I take a peek at Taemin cautiously after the choir sings two songs. He is sitting beside me and he does not notice me. He probably loves God, unlike me. I feel bad for being a rebel but I cannot find a reason to go back to God. 

I glance at hyung, who looks back at me. I give a shy smile to him, feeling embarassed before staring blankly at the lyrics on the screen. 

I guess that's the reason why Taemin prefers to hang out with hyung. 

"Hey, Minho." Jonghyun speaks, after the singing and the preaching ends and we are walking back home. I wish I can walk Taemin home, but he likes to go home with hyung. 

"What's wrong with you?" He asks. It irks me because I cannot tell him what bugs me, and how does he know that something is wrong with me in the first place?

"Nothing." I say to shut him up, but I know my simple answer will not answer any of his questions. 

"You are always staring at Taemin!" He points out excitedly. I don't see why he gets excited. My fingers grip the hem of my shirt instinctively. 

"Do you like him?" That hit the nail in my heart. He asks the question in such a playful manner and I resist the urge to shout at him.


Yes.

But I have no notion to convey my thoughts to him. I guess the concept of two guys together will be foriegn to him, and to me.

"No." After the two letter word sinks in, he does not say anything. 

I conclude that anything I say will shut him up, but that does not make me feel better. The only thing that I hear is the chattering of passers-by and the sounds of cars driving past us, as well as our footsteps.  

I don't know how to tell this secret to my parents, or even my brother. They have treated me as the apple of their eyes (they still do), and every time they show care towards me, I feel weird that they are showing concern towards a sinner. What will I do when they stop displaying acts of affection because I like Taemin? I want to make myself stop liking Taemin and start liking a woman instead, but that will be impossible. 

"Are you sad, Minho?" My mom asks tenderly. Only the two of us are in the house, and maybe that is the reason why she dares to ask this question. We are both in the living room now, and I wish I can go back and hide in my bedroom, where no one will ask me such sensitive questions. I look at her and I don't like this moment now. 

"No, mom. I'm all right." I lie. I can't tell them anything, yet the secret is begging to be let out. I don't like how my mom can understand me so easily, and I don't know how.

Jonghyun. Maybe I can tell him.

I shrug the thought off and hear what my mom has to say.  

"Okay then, that's good." I feel like heaving a sigh of relief when she leaves and chooses to let me be alone, but I know she doesn't understand me fully, when she adds, "Go to God and share your troubles, Minho. Remember to pray before you go to bed." 

I feel despair immediately, when I can't turn to God in this situation. I do not want to pray to a God who does not accept me for who I am, even if he "made me". I loathe her reminder.

"Yes, mom. Good night." is what I voice out instead before going back to my room. 

I take my phone, thinking of what to do with it. Should I come out to Jonghyun, via the phone? Within seconds, I find myself typing a message to Jonghyun. 

 'Will you still be my friend, after I tell you a secret?' is what I stare at and I hesitate to send the message to Jonghyun. My finger hovers over the 'Send' button, not sure if I will afford losing a good friend of mine. 

Can I lose him?

Whatever, I think in impulse, and hit the 'Send' button. I brace myself for what is coming. 

I feel a vibe from the phone and I see Jonghyun's reply. 

'What happened, Minho?' 

'Can I trust you with a secret?' I type, not knowing how to explain that I am gay.

'Yes, of course!' is his reply. 

'Actually, I'm gay.' I do not know how I got that courage to convey the message to him, but all I can do is to hope (not pray) that Jonghyun will accept me for who I am, for who I do not choose to be. I sigh after I see that the message is sent.

It has been hours ever since I sent the message. He does not reply me. I do not know if he is too shocked. I feel remorse, but at least I told the truth. I press my back against the wall and heave a sigh again, hoping that he will accept me. 

But no matter what, I don't think I can ever submit myself to God again. 

Author's note: Hope you will enjoy how the story develops.