I swear church is getting boring now. To summarize it, I just go to church, then hear the pastor say something about salvation, then leave. Even seeing Jonghyun would not bring me the motivation that I want. I look at Taemin, and I am convinced that he does not like me. 

From his chirping about his 'Saviour', I can tell that Taemin is really a devout Christian. 

And a dull ache makes its way into my heart, as I stare at the blue cover of the thick book. Its cover faces me, and the words 'Holy Bible' stands out to me. 

The Holy Bible, why am I reading this?

I flip through the crumpled pages, trying to find a verse that suits my predicament. 

Perhaps, it is to understand why Taemin loves God so much. Or it is because I want to find the love that God used to shower me with until I confirm the fact that I am gay. 

Looking through the lines that were bombarded by highlighters, I sigh. A certain verse catches my eye and I study it. 

"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."

I chuckle once. How absurd. 

How can I not be dismayed, when the Lord have obviously forsaken me? I slam the Bible and put it aside, making time to go to Rateen. 

"I tell you this, never ever let your parents find out that you go to Rateen. Never let your parents find out that you are gay. They'll disown you." Key replies. 

My eyes widen. Is that true?

And Key's words echo in my mind for a few seconds, before I snap out of my thoughts and start brainstorming for an answer. 

"I get it." I type this quickly and send it to Key, no matter how submissive this seems to be. 

"You're at a loss of words, haha." He replies. 

Should I marvel at his mind-reading skills or should I be annoyed that he can read my mind?

It isn't easy, to go to Rateen everyday. But yet I go there, to satisfy my addiction. I blame my parents when I have to cut down the time I spend on Rateen just because I am afraid that they will find out that I am gay. And they would not accept this. 

The links of certain articles that Key supplies me should be useful. I remember taking a look at them and finding out what happens to gays who came out. And the celebrity that came out got bashed by netizens. 

I should be happy, that hyung helps me to keep the secret of me being gay. Well, I guess he cares after all. 

I stroll into my room, and find hyung using the computer. 

"What the hell, hyung?" I hiss at him. He looks at me and quickly closes the browser, getting up from his chair and exiting from the room quickly. 

I sit in the chair (which is warm) and look at the browser history. 

'5 myths about gay people' is what I see. 

I thank him, I really do. 

"What is the meaning..." Dad trails off, looking at me, "of this?" He points to the computer, which indicates that I'm at Rateen now. 

, I curse myself mentally for letting him find out that I go to Rateen. It breaks against his principles that I'm supposed to share as well, so I hope that he does not know what that website is about.  My heart pounds erratically and I was contemplating on whether I should come out to him.  I clasp my hands (that are already clammy) and try to muster the courage that is leaving me with every second. I guess that is a way to cope with the nervousness. 

"Are you..."" His gaze is unfathomable even when I try to figure out whether he's angry or not (based on his seemingly calm state), "homoual?"

I should have known this is coming, , , he knows that Rateen is for people who are not "normal", . I cuss inwardly and I no longer wince when I think about such profanities. I tighten my grip and refuse to speak. Instead, I want to flinch when I hear him use the word 'homoual' instead of the slang 'gay'. I infer that he is not comfortable with the concept of two guys together instead of a guy and a girl, huh? Will he hate me if I'm gay? Why does he hate me? I didn't do anything wrong. Or being gay is something wrong. 

How pathetic. I got caught not because I didn't delete my browser history, but because I didn't close the damned thing. How pathetic, how pathetic. 

I take one deep breath and hear a word come from my lips. 

"Yes." It's soft enough, but I guess he can hear my muttering. 

He said nothing. The situation is nerve wrecking now. I know it has just been a minute (or maybe it's just a few seconds) but I want the answer, I want to know if he actually can tolerate the differences between us and not reject me because I'm some "rotten apple". He might not like me anymore, but as long as he does not announce his dislike, a part of me wants to think that he has accepted me. 

I should be prepared for him to shout profanities towards me with his voice so loud and deep I can't help but succumb to him, and hear his rants about how I should change and not be gay anymore or maybe throw me out of the house like what Key's parents did. 

I watch his mouth open and he says in that gruff voice, "We'll go to the pastor tomorrow." 

He walks out of my room, leaving me with a train of thoughts (and questions, which I soon found the answers to). It was an unexpected reaction to such a major thing, yet I know what his reply implied. 

It means that he wants me to stop liking males after being prayed for by the pastor. 

I take my phone and jump on my bed. I end up lying on my stomach and looking at my phone. The bright light stings my eyes mercilessly when it's so dark in here. I do not expect to look at my phone in this position, since it will hurt my eyes but I don't really care now. 

Never ever let your parents-, Key's words echo in my mind and I instintively think of the words that can finish the sentence, before thinking about Key giving his phone number to me. I get up and try to locate the slip of paper on the table. I take it and start texting Key.