"Why the am I here?" Taeil swore to himself as he stood awkwardly, rocking his body back and forth, outside the exit of Ichon station where they Jiho, without his permission, had decided to pick him up. He'd promised himself not to go, to not do something stupid, but had in the end found himself picking out a decent outfit for the gathering.

His stomach made an awful turn when a white Hyundai i20 stop a few meters away from him, three boys stepping out of the car, waving at him.

"Oh My God, I hate myself so much,"

"I totally thought you would diss us!" Kyung laughed at him as they reached him.

Jiho smirked down at him, "You made the right decision," he said and hooked an arm around his neck.

"No, I didn't,"

Taeil felt a strange feeling shot through him when his eyes fell on Jihoon.

"Hi," Jihoon greeted him awkwardly, "I'm glad you came."

I'm not happy I came... Taeil bowed his head back at him.

When they stood by the car another guy walked out from the driving seat and smiled brightly at Taeil.

"Hi, my name is Minhyuk, your driver for today," the guy said and shook Taeil's hand.

"Taeil," he answered shortly.

"So he's the new one?" Minhyuk asked.

"Yes," Kyung answered, "Better be nice to him,"

"I'm always nice! It's you he should be worrying about."

Taeil gave Kyung a sceptical look,

"Better be careful, little one," Kyung gave him a playful warning, before pushing Taeil inside the car, where he got seated in between Kyung and Jihoon.

During the ride, the others talked nonstop, asking Taeil question after question, leaving him no time to answer any of them - not that he really wanted to answer them. All while they, especially Kyung, complained about him being too quiet. When he didn't have time to answer, how could they even complain? Taeil felt like rolling down the car's window and jump out through it.

How socially awkward had he become? Before, during his school days, he loved hanging around with all these different kinds of people. He didn't even remember how he used to be back then nowadays. What person was he really? Who was he? He left his true personality back with his memories.

"I'm very happy you came," Jihoon said suddenly and Taeil turned to look at him.

"I hope you will have fun with us, and I'm not going to make you feel awkward or anything, so just relax and I will keep my distance," Jihoon smiled to him and Taeil felt this stupid feeling in his stomach again.

"Yeah, don't worry," he answered, looking out of the window again, missing the concerned look Jihoon gave him.

Soon enough (not really but eventually they had started talking about other things and let Taeil wander of in his own thoughts) they drove into Suwon city and arrived at a white house with a pretty big nice garden. Once they'd stopped the car, Jiho got out first and opened the back trunk, followed by the others.

"Hey, guys!"

Taeil turned around to see another new person, probably their friend and owner of the place, standing on the doorstep, smiling way too brightly for Taeil's taste.

"Better close your eyes now," Jiho nudged his shoulder.

Taeil looked up to him with a confused look, but Jiho only laughed and pointed to Minhyuk, who now was half-running towards the new smiling boy. Once he got there, they hugged closely before Minhyuk lift him up, spinning around before pulling him in for a long kiss.

Taeil stared in mixed awe and shock, he had never seen two guys kiss each other like that, and looking so happy about it. He'd only seen those small pecks & drunken kisses random people gave each other in clubs and other parties.

"Shocked?" Jiho looked over at him, handing him his bag.

Taeil shrugged, "Just... unusual."

"Yeah, in the beginning it is, I guess," Jiho smiled.

"We were all shocked when they told us they were dating," Kyung added on, "We've all been friends for a while and no one saw it coming."

"Why not?"

Kyung laughed, "Well, first of all, we were dead sure they were straight. Minhyuk even had a girlfriend."

"Which he had been dating for three years," Jiho pointed out.

Kyung took out his bag from the car and continued, "We thought they were going to get married, that's how close he and his ex-girlfriend were!"

Taeil was confused, "He dumped her because of him then?"

"Yes," Jihoon said and pulled out his bag as well, before closing the trunk door, "They haven't told us the entire story, but it was a rough period for both of them before they finally got together."

"Minhyuk nearly killed everyone during his rage of realization that he was in love with a boy," Jiho smirked.

"It was terrifying!" Kyung laughed, "But yeah, turned out fine in the end and now they're way too happy for everyone's comfort instead," he finished, starting to walk towards the house, followed by Jihoon.

Taeil mind was racing. So Minhyuk found out he liked the other guy while being in a relationship with a girl? Without knowing he was into boys in the beginning? Then dumped her because he fell for this smiling dude. Would have made more sense if they were declaired biuals from the beginning, not dead as straight, as quoted by Kyung. Of course he had heard the stories about people suddenly falling for the same gender or vice versa, when they already had put themselves under a 'label', but it just sounded too cliché.

Taeil shook his head in annoyance and Jiho seemed to notice the other's struggle, "Hey, if you're not comfortable with it, just ignore it."

"No, it's ok, I have no problem with it."

"Good, let's go in then!"

Taeil said hello to the new guy, who presented himself as Yukwon. This Yukwon boy never seemed to stop smiling, and whenever Minhyuk was by his side he smiled even more - if that was even possible. Taeil studied the two while cutting the yellow paprika Yukwon had given him, into slices for the barbeque, he also studied the others, watching them laugh and play around while preparing the food.

Seeing they all enjoying each other's company brought back many memories. Memories when he too could be this relaxed, laughing all day with his friends. Seeing other people happy always made him realize what a neglected and lonely person he really was. It hurt. It hurt so much.

After he was done with the paprika, he picked up the zucchini, cutting it into the right sized pieces as well, after that he grabbed some mushrooms - everything to avoid being talked to.

"Done!" Jiho exhaled loudly five minutes later, "Let's go out and start the barbeque!"

Everyone cheered, except Taeil, and as they put their shoes on to go outside he excused himself to the bathroom.

As he locked the door, he sat down on the toilet lid, letting out the long breath he'd held up inside of him for the last thirty minutes. His heart was beating painfully hard and his whole body was aching, "Why the did I come here?" He repeated to himself, bringing his shaking hands up to cover his face, trying to put his breathing down to stop his body from shaking so violently. The pain grew stronger over his chest as that same feeling of getting a corset put on, squeezing his chest and lungs together, giving him no access to oxygen, came. He gasped for air, clutching to his ribs, trying to massage them gently but the pain was unbearable.

Panic attack. He'd had a few.

Tears rolled down his cheeks as he sunk down to the floor, trying his best to calm down and get enough air into his lungs to prevent himself from fainting and loosing it all. The memories of his past happy life made him dizzy, making his vision get darker and he coughed loudly as the breathing once again failed him.

After what seemed like forever, his body finally had stopped shaking. He brought his knees up as close to him as possible, hugging them as hot tears spilled over.

"I'm pathetic..."