In Constant Stars
22 -- t r u t h f u l l y

I’ve always thought that it was disgusting how far and quickly rumours could travel. It just never escaped my mind that it said so much about the people around us and essentially, also a lot about ourselves.

As much as I tried not to pry into other people's business and kept out of gossiping and gossip itself, the times the rumours got really bad, it was impossible not hearing about it some way or the other. Part of that had to do with the fact that I was friends with Kang Heeyoung, the girl with no filter on . The other part was that somehow, once rumours got really bad I often still found myself interested, to my shame. Even more so recently and even more so when it concerned Daehyun.

It probably shouldn't have surprised me that the next day everyone seemed to know about the fact that Kim Jinae and Jung Daehyun had broken up. This time for real. Ironically, the idea of people actually being aware of those two as a couple to begin with was something I deemed unlikely, but of course I was proven wrong.

Initially the school had seemed quite usual. There were no exaggerated whispers or gasps of 'No way!' echoing through the halfway. Outsiders probably wouldn't have been able to tell that something out of the ordinary had happened. Still, the silenced hush falling over many students the moment either Jinae or Daehyun would walk by said enough.

Neither of both did their best acting like they didn’t care much about that. The attention drawn to them by matters that weren’t other people’s business should have been reason enough to snap at some of those students. I'm sure I would have. Yet Daehyun stayed uncharacteristically quiet, without sparing a single glance at the people who acknowledged him as much as he didn't acknowledge them. Jinae remained smiling for the rest of the day as her friends surrounded her. The fact that she acted unbothered by the whole situation almost seemed cruel to me.

I wanted to resent her for giving him up like that. After telling me how much she loved him, how much he'd meant to her and vice versa, this was it. This was how far that love went. I was beyond disappointed.

The more Daehyun kept quiet, the more she smiled, the more it made me want to hate Jinae. But I couldn't. At least not before I could understand why she did this and why she was letting this happen to him.

Youngjae and I had stayed with Daehyun the day before, though all the while we both were thinking the same thing: Daehyun wasn't okay, even if he tried to be as calm and detached about it as he could. He started suggesting we'd do homework together, which on its own already proved enough. Daehyun hardly bothered with schoolwork, after all.

"Dude, that's all you've got to say about it?" Youngjae had asked incredulously, as he threw his coat over the back of the couch next to where Daehyun's school uniform tie was. "'She dumped me.' That's it?"

"Well, there's not too much to say about it if she doesn't want to clarify why she doesn't want this anymore, is there?" sounded the icy, yet angry reply.

I asked: "She didn't say anything?"

He turned away. "No. Nothing."

"For once I'm not trying to be an to you, but I honestly don't want you here right now."

I realised that the roof of the school was probably Daehyun's little haven; his place of peace and quiet, where he contemplated many, many things and made important choices. It was understandable that it was so; the feeling of the wind blowing through your hair, no matter how cold it was, did leave a very pleasant and freeing sensation. Being just a bit closer to the sky could make one feel that much more liberated. It was one of those things about the world that made me marvel a little at how it worked. Why it made me feel a little safer too.

I didn't respond to Daehyun's jabs. He'd been going at it for a while now, but the more he claimed he didn't want me around, the less convincing he became. I wasn't becoming desensitised to it, as he did make some pretty mean remarks occasionally. Daehyun himself simply seemed to slowly realise maybe some human contact was exactly what he needed after avoiding the world for a day.

"You're just here to laugh at me anyway, aren't you, Nana? If you think you'll see me crying, you're very mistaken."

"Nana... stop being such a pain in the for once and get out of here."

"I just– I'm a mess. You're wasting your time on me."

This last statement was the first that startled me. I looked down to my right, where he was lying on the dirty concrete, looking up to the blank sky. The cold of the stone underneath him probably bore right through his flesh to his bones, but Daehyun didn't seem to be bothered by it at all.

"It's actually kind of hard to tell that you're a mess inside judging by your current appearance, Daehyun," I slowly drawled. Then, as an afterthought, I added: "Though being sprawled on the floor outside like this just before winter might be a giveaway that you’re slowly going mad."

"It isn't."

I crossed my arms over my chest, partly to make a point and partly to keep myself warm. I let the sleeves of my sweater go past my wrist, so I could curl my hands up into them in an attempt of hiding from the cold. "What? It isn't a giveaway the way you're here right now or it isn't hard to tell that you're screwed up?"

He furrowed his brow as he heard this. "I'm not screwed up. That's not the same as being messed up.” This time around he responded with at least a little bit more animation, which was a good thing. "C'mon Nana, it's not that difficult to tell that I'm in a pitiful state right now. This morning Himchan actually purposely didn’t make a stupid joke about how my shirt was buttoned wrongly even though it was. He only patted me. Jesus."

"So that's what you want to be right now? Pitiful?"

“No,” Daehyun said, frowning even more. His voice had taken on a frustrated tone. I couldn't have cared less about his anger; out of the two of us, the person craving contact wasn't me. "I just want to be left alone, for God's sake."

He kept contradicting himself and slowly but surely it was becoming more and more irritating. By now both of us could tell that he couldn't bring himself to actually believe his own words, and yet he kept insisting that having me gone would make him that much happier. If I had to say that it didn't sting even a little bit, I would have been lying, so I attempted diverting his attention elsewhere.

"Eat your lunch, otherwise I will," I said, lifting my right shoe to point with the toe in the direction of the lunch tray a few feet away from him. I figured if Jung Daehyun wouldn't even want to eat, he would probably stay a lost case for a long while. Paying him any attention would be a waste of my time. There was no meaning to spending time this way with him in such a state.

At first Daehyun seemed reluctant to do as I told him to, but the endless pit he called his gut probably protested to rejecting the food. He lazily reached out for the tray, all the while staying seated where he was.

And that was how it was for a while. He took uncharacteristically small bites of his sandwiches and didn't say anything or make any sound in between. I made a round along the edges of the roof, taking a little distance from the protective fence. I observed all our surroundings, recalling the last time Daehyun and I had been here. That was the time I'd come to realise that I actually liked him. In many ways the situations back then and now were so similar: Jinae, confusion, mixed feelings. And yet it felt different.

"Hey!" he called as I approached him, snatched a few grapes from his fruit bowl and popped them in my mouth one by one.

"You're eating too slowly," I stated simply.

Continuing with the rest of his lunch, Daehyun let go of his anger over stolen food, which was once again very uncommon for him.

Thinking this would be my last attempt, I asked him: "Are you going to stay like this the whole time I’m here, Daehyun? Do you really plan on remaining unfeeling and cold, and pretend that this doesn't get to you?"

"Maybe. It's none of your business, really."

Thinking back to it I don’t understand why I’d lost my temper only then. He’d said a lot of bad things to me the whole time while I insisted on staying on that roof, but it was only when he uttered those words that I felt the anger really getting to me. I balled my fists, as if I would throw a punch any minute. Of course I didn’t. Instead, I hissed: "It isn't, but clearly you don't care about it yourself so it could as well be my business!”

It was when he stared back up at me with that same blank, unsaying expression that I could feel the last bit of my resolve slip away. I couldn't be that person. I couldn't be the one who would help him, get him out of this. Even if I gave it time and patience and a lot of care, Daehyun wouldn't budge. Not for me.

I clenched and unclenched my fist. As I let go, I also let go of my pride.

"Fine. I get it."

With those words, I turned around and took pretentiously big steps toward the exit, as though my footsteps would convey to him that I wasn't bothered by this, even if he'd brought me into this position where I didn't have much dignity left.

Call me egocentric. The boy's heart was broken, I knew better than anyone. I should have left him alone the moment I'd come to the roof with his lunch and he'd told me to get lost. And I should have known better than to think that I was correct in my assumptions. Daehyun hadn't become less sure if he wanted me around or not. He'd simply lost the energy to argue. I should have known better than to come here to begin with.

The moment I pulled the door handle, I heard the sound of little rocks shifting and then that of very soft and very hesitant footsteps. I knew then that he’d gotten up, yet when I looked back, I was still surprised to see Daehyun standing there, looking unsure of himself and of what to say now.

He became acutely aware of his own actions and as though he were embarrassed, he put his hands in the pockets of the hoodie he wore over his uniform. Shifting from one foot to the other, he gathered up the time to think of what he would say. All the while I couldn't bring myself to avert my eyes, ridiculous as it sounded.

“I’m sorry,” he said, barely loud enough for me to hear it. “I think the only thing keeping me sane just now was the fact that you were here and I had a target to vent my anger to, but that isn't an excuse to act so ty all the time. Not to you. You don’t deserve that, Nana."

That was a moment for me to put a stop to this... thing. Whatever it was I had with Daehyun - as it was clearly not just friendship anymore, at least not from my side - this would have been the moment that I could walk away from it. I could just shrug and walk away, following my instincts like that, because it would be the smart thing to do. The fact that Jinae and Daehyun had broken up was a chance, but it wasn't a chance I wanted to hold on to. Daehyun wasn't who I wanted to hold on to. I'd been trying to get away from him for a while after all, and now that he was too fragile to stay persistent with me, it was easier than ever to walk away from him. And he'd probably be pissed with me, but at least the score would be clear. After that maybe we'd stay as friends, but at least not more than that and I'd finally be removed from his pull.

That would be the smart thing to do, but of course I couldn't bring myself to do that. Irony was a funny thing like that. The moment I got the chance handed to leave it behind me, I couldn't take it.

Seeing him standing there helplessly made it all kinds of impossible for me to walk away. The sight of it was something I wasn't used to. He wasn't quite the same person I was used to seeing and talking to. This should have been all the more reason to leave, but it wasn't.

"Do you promise that you'll stop taking it out on me?"

A voice in my head told me that this was wrong. Daehyun didn't do promises well.

"I will. Just don't go, okay?"

I wanted to prove that voice wrong.

"I lied when I told you that Jinae didn't say anything else when she broke up with me," he muttered sullenly.

I was sitting on his hoodie that he'd spread out on the floor. Daehyun could probably tell that I thought the ground was too dirty to sit on (it honestly was), even though I hadn't voiced that aloud. I'd protested, but he still told me that the hoodie was dirty now anyway and that I might as well use it. We were sitting next to each other, not too close, for which I was glad.

The news he broke to me didn't come as a surprise. Youngjae and I had figured as much. Daehyun wasn't the type to let someone off so easily after all. He wouldn't have let Jinae have the last word without making her explain when, how and why, why, why.

"I figured as much."

"You're not going to ask me what it was she told me?" he asked me as he watched me from the side, one of his perfect brows raised slightly.

Glancing away, I shrugged. I then placed my hands down at both my sides, so I could lean back on them a little bit. "You'll tell me anyway, won’t you?"

He probably smiled a little, but knowing the state he was in, it couldn't have been a smile that lasted long. Soon enough, he stated: "According to her I've changed. Have I, though?"

There was another breeze of wind, but other than that it was rather quiet. It took me a moment to realise that his question was not a rhetoric one, but that it had actually been directed to me.

"You're asking me? Honestly, Daehyun, we might get along now, but we haven’t known each other for that long. I can't possibly tell if you've changed, especially not if the one telling you that is Jinae. She's known you for like... forever." The last part came out a little bitterly and wasn't a very nice reminder to him since their break-up. I silently hoped he didn't catch on.

He was careful not to show any signs of it. Daehyun pursed his lips and furrowed his brows in thought, but to my surprise he didn't seem that hurt by the mention of his girlfriend - the girl he'd claimed to love for a big part of his life.

I wondered how tiring it must be, to have to keep acting strong even though all you might want to do is break down and keep your head low and possibly cry and keep thinking in circles as to what made this happen. Undoubtedly Daehyun would soon be finding out the toll. It left me with a weird feeling, seeing him like this. If he kept going like this, he wouldn’t be able to reach tomorrow without feeling broken.

Thinking about that made me sad. So, then I said: “For what it’s worth, if I think back to how Zelo’s described you during the past years and the image I got from you because of that, I genuinely think you’ve been the same you all this time.” And I honestly had no idea who I was trying to cheer up, him or myself.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to comfort me because you feel sorry for me.”

“No, seriously,” my automatic and immediate response sounded. We both seemed a little surprised by my own determination, so it took me a moment to continue: “I mean, I always thought Zelo was spouting a load of bull because I didn’t think that you were ‘pretty thoughtful’ or ‘kinda understanding’. That is, until we really became friends.”

“Wait, that’s how he described me to be? ‘Pretty thoughtful’? ‘Kinda understanding’? How about ‘Pretty amazingly thoughtful’?”

At least something finally really caught his attention. Despite the fact that I couldn’t help but smile a little at this, I still snapped my fingers in front of his face to call his attention back to the subject matter. “Hello, focus, please. That’s not the point here.”

“Right,” he nodded solemnly.

“Anyway, I didn’t really believe Zelo because that was totally not the impression I got whenever I saw you around. I mean, do you still remember that camping trip last year, when you brought Zelo back home sick?” I looked at him to see him carefully thinking back to the incident. It took him a while, but the moment his eyes widened, I continued: “Well, you were being a jerk back then. The only thing you seemed to care about then was that Zelo wouldn’t throw up over you, never mind the fact that he had a burning fever.”

“Well, he’s kind of almost an adult, you know, and fevers aren’t that serious—”

“—again, that’s not the point. What you didn’t tell me back then was that Zelo had already been retching for a while and you were afraid that he might get dehydrated. It was only after Youngjae confirmed this with me a while back that I realised this.”

Daehyun shrugged but didn’t say anything to deny this. All he did say was: “I honestly have no idea how this topic popped up when you were talking to Youngjae.”

“We were complaining about how annoying we thought you were until he mentioned that we should talk about your very few good points in order to recover our karma.”

And finally, Daehyun chuckled a little. Just one of those chuckles that sounded like he didn’t have a single thing to worry about in this world – his usual chuckle, really. It was this wonderful, deep sound coming from his chest. The exact kind of sound that made you want to smile along a little too at least, so that’s what I did. We sat there, looking a little like idiots, one chuckling to himself and the other smiling like an idiot, in the freezing cold, on a gross school roof.

But, as is the case with most good moments in life, it lasted far too short. Soon enough, I could feel my smile growing tense just as Daehyun’s laughter quieted down. Immediately, the lack of happy sounds reminded us of the situation we were in now. Daehyun was dumped, I was feeling lonelier than ever, and I couldn’t tell which one of us was feeling worse. It was probably him, but still I felt like I deserved that little shout out to myself too, so that I wouldn’t lose myself entirely to cheering him up. I was becoming a pathetic little thing thanks to him.

To be honest, there were three types of people in the world. For instance, the type of person who looked down on people who could become weak-willed after they fell in love. I thought the condescending attitude to this was absolutely foul. The second type would be the opposite; they would think that their love interest becoming weak to their knees and just slightly more idiotic after falling in love was completely adorable. I couldn’t find myself liking that much either, just because the idea of being acknowledged as weak that way was much too painful.

So really, that left me with the third type, the kind of guy who simply didn’t realise that the girl in front of him – or next to him, in my case – was becoming this pathetic person who did too many things for his sake. He didn’t see it. And God, that guy must be the cruellest of them all.

Every moment Daehyun spent pining after Jinae, over their relationship and everything that went wrong with it, I felt a little bit more ignored and left alone. Clear field? I had never felt more like I had no chance than I did that moment, just when our laughter had died down and when I found that I had no clue what to say.

“I told her that I’d do my best, you know. I’d give it my all to change back, if only she’d tell me how I changed. I had no clue. Still don’t, actually,” he said quietly, so quietly it made me feel very hopeless from within. Not hopeless for my own sake, exactly. Just for him. “You wouldn’t guess what she told me then. I mean, she refused, obviously. But why? ‘Because it’s a good change. A positive change.’ That’s what she said. Christ. If this is how a positive change feels like, I’d rather stay unchanging every moment of my life.”

Daehyun didn’t see himself in the light I saw him, or the light Jinae probably saw him in. He didn’t realise that Jung Daehyun, as a person, was as vibrant as anyone could be. Bright, hopeful and cheerful, yet at the same time scheming and sometimes quite mean, he wasn’t the kind of person you’d expect to be unchanging. It simply wasn’t who he was. Every moment I spent with him always made me feel like I’d just seen him become several different people in the matter of just a few seconds. That was how expressive he was. Even I, who always got laughed at by Heeyoung because I apparently didn’t understand how to read other people at all, thought that Daehyun was now easier to read compared to a few months ago.

Thinking this helped me realise how easy it must have been for Jinae to detect Daehyun’s changes even before he could himself. And that just left him even more confused than any person would have been in his situation.

It took me a while to understand that what Daehyun was feeling wasn’t anger or sadness. He didn’t look pained or maddened to me, except when he’d been trying to chase me away, but even that had seemed to be a farce. It’d been bothering me the whole while, but it was only until that moment that I could pinpoint what it was that had seemed very odd to me.

Yes, truthfully, if there was one word that I had to use to describe Jung Daehyun in that moment – along with his slumped shoulders, his slightly pursed lips and that very pensive look on his face – the word would have been confused.  And it didn’t take me long to understand that he would have rather had anger or sadness above confusion. Confusion reminded him all the more of how broken he felt.