In Constant Stars
08-- d i s a g r e e m e n t

I didn't like admitting this, but it turned out that working at the café that Daehyun had referred me to was really fun. Like actual fun, not just 'it's-okay-for-a-job-fun', but really fun. It could have been like a complete drag, but it felt more like a really entertaining after school activity that I even got paid for.

The café was actually named That Café around the Corner – often shortened as just ‘Corner’ – and was owned by Mrs Hwang, who was like the long-lost, lovely nanny I'd never had. Ironically, it was not a café located at a corner, but that didn't make it any less a beautiful place. It mostly attracted college students who were in need of a peaceful place to study. Apparently it could get really busy in the morning, when the city had just awoken and everyone went in to get a quick coffee to drink as they went on the road to work, uni or school. I only worked there during the weekend and on irregular afternoons after school, thus I was spared the early stress in the morning.

When I first went inside, somehow Mrs Hwang could pick me out the very instant she laid her eyes on me. I still have no clue why, not even now. She just pointed to me, calling me by my name, and told me quickly how to work the basic coffee machines as I had to take her place behind the counter.

I had one other colleague called Minhee. She said herself that she practically lived in that café, were it for working or studying, as she was a first year college student majoring in Literature. She looked like a quiet person at first. She was anything but. 

Minhee knew many of them from the university and she didn't hesitate on telling me all kinds of anecdotes about various people, subjects varying from frat parties gone wrong to actually really touching stories. During the few moments of calm that we could find, that was my favourite way to kill time. For once in my life, I found myself caring for people I didn't even know the name of.

One Tuesday afternoon after school, in walked my brother and four of his friends. For some reason the first thing that caught my interest was the fact that Daehyun wasn't there, which was when I realised that oftentimes it was Daehyun who would be missing if they were only hanging around with the five of them. It wasn't even a question anymore whom he would be with whenever he wasn't around.

"Hello Nana," someone purred. I turned around with exaggerated fatigue showing in my expression to see Himchan winking at me.

A sarcastic comment was about to roll off my tongue, but then Himchan found someone who grabbed his attention more: Minhee. Turns out he was familiar with basically all young women walking the streets of Seoul.

"Ugh, no," my co-worker groaned even before he got the chance to make a comment. Minhee held out her hands as a sign of warning. "Say even one suggestive thing and I swear I will make the Brothers go after you, Himchan."

"Aw, don't do that to me, Minhee. You know you love me."

"Just... Please, don't do that."

"Do frats even visit this place?" I couldn't help but ask.

Before Minhee got the chance to respond, the guy waiting at the counter said: "We do. Also, we prefer being referred to as Brothers. 'Frat' is a derogatory en stereotypical term we like to stay away from."

Oh. I hadn't really pegged him to be a frat— a Brother. He wasn't wearing khakis or a polo shirt. He just seemed like any regular guy, though very tall and with an incredibly handsome face.

"Sorry 'bout that," I said, shrugging.

"No need to be. And you," he directed his slightly stern gaze at Himchan, who looked like he couldn't care less about this guy, "you'd better watch it. We've got Minhee's back on this. And you're hogging the time in which my coffee was supposed to be made."

"I'm sorry, Kris. I'll do it now," Minhee apologised as she grabbed a paper cup from our huge stock. She turned her back on us and started a friendly talk with the guy.

I raised an eyebrow at Himchan. 

Yongguk said: "Minhee and Himchan have a history, kind of." And that was all I really needed to know.

Youngjae and Jongup were already sitting at a table and the rest joined them. I didn't really expect for them to hang out at a café such as this one at all, but I supposed that explained how Daehyun had been able to find a good place for me to work at so fast.

I jotted down the drinks that Zelo ordered for them and they went to sit at their table. Others in the café eyed their messy clothes and worn out sneakers with weary suspicion. However, when Mrs Hwang walked past them and they greeted her really cutely, everyone realised that the 'punks' looking like they were about to break down the store were actually good kids. Mrs Hwang even pinched Zelo's left cheek and though I knew he hated when people did that, I still chuckled softly.

I worked as the five of them sat at the table in the middle of the café. Minhee showed me the ropes and helped me with my training. As it was only the third time I’d been working here, I usually used the moments of free time I had between new customers coming in to memorise various drink mixes, their ingredients and proportions. I studied the different kinds of pastries, checked the cupboards for their contents and made myself understand the logistics of the bar. Before my break started, Minhee commented that I could’ve as well been working there for at least a few months based on everything I knew about the café. I thought she was over-exaggerating.

Zelo saw that I was on my break and waved me over with a playful smile.

When she saw that I was hesitant on seemingly randomly joining a customers’ table, Minhee grinned and told me that it was fine. “I do it all the time. Mrs Hwang is cool with everything, as long as we keep the café running well.”

Himchan saw me approaching their table and he immediately started smirking in that way that could make me feel very tired by now every time I would see it. I got an empty chair and sat down between Yongguk and Zelo.

“Hello Nana. How nice of you to join us.”

“How do you like working here?” Yongguk cut in before a potential feud between Himchan and I could find its origin at the peaceful table. He shot his best friend a reprimanding look. “Sorry for the trouble he’s been causing you. I heard from Youngjae that you don’t feel comfortable with Himchan most of the time.”

Bang Yongguk, ever the gentleman. On the outside he seemed like an intimidating and rough guy, like someone you didn’t want to anger. The truth was that he was a kind-hearted spirit who spent most of his time caring for his surroundings, were it by volunteering at the children’s hospital or helping yet another old woman cross the street. He didn’t like for that to be talked about too much. Yongguk liked laying low about the things he did for society, because that was just the humble person he was.

Admittedly, I’d been weary and suspicious of him the first time I was introduced to him. A part of me followed the narrow-minded way of thinking that the way someone looked was a good depiction of the person they were within. It was anything but.

“Truth be told, I don’t feel comfortable with him either,” Youngjae threw in. He then narrowly dodged a paper ball tossed at him by Himchan, who yelled: “Hey, I’m still your hyung!”

“Work’s nice here, thanks for asking,” I replied pleasantly, ignoring the two boys who were now engaged in a childish back and forth tossing of insults (‘Baby fat!’ ‘Pighead!’ ‘You look ugly even in a suit!’ ‘All of the girls you’ve dated told me afterwards that you can’t kiss to save your life!’ ‘At least I have kissed girls before!’ until Mrs Hwang threatened to duct-tape both of them to each other if they didn’t shut up right that instant). “I have to admit I didn’t really know this place before though. Do you guys come here often?”

“Yeah, pretty often after school. Twice a week or so, I guess. You should join us sometime when you’re not working and score us some free drinks and stuff because you work here now,” Zelo joked as he held two thumbs up.

“Yeah, keep dreaming, little brother. And I don’t think Daehyun would like that.”

. I slipped up. It kind of rolled off my tongue without me realising what I was about to say. I'd been mulling over Daehyun's problems and my own lack of knowledge over them so much lately, that I found myself randomly mentioning him at moments that were anything but convenient to me.

I could feel my heart skip a beat as I realised my stupid mistake. There was a confused silence at the table before Yongguk asked: “And why would Daehyun not want you around?”

“Yeah,” Himchan echoed faux-innocently. “Why would he not want that? I know Daehyun would appreciate having a pretty girl around for a change. Oh, wait. That is, apart from our beautiful Jinae, of course.” And then he doubled over in pain in response to the kick on the shin I’d given him.

Yongguk, Zelo and Jongup alternated between looking at Himchan and me with confused looks. Following Youngjae’s example of pretending like nothing remotely life-ruining was happening right in front of us, I lied: “Oh, you know. He and I never really got along too well… I guess we just never connected.” And honestly, that wasn’t even a real lie.

“Naw, I don’t think so. I think the two of you just never really had the chance to understand each other much. Maybe if you spent some more time around each other you’d find yourselves getting along just fine. I know for a fact that he doesn’t dislike you.”

“But how do you know, Yongguk? Did he tell you that?” I asked, actually kind of curious how he could seem so sure. It was the truth: Daehyun and I really never connected. Before anything happened, the few times I did interact with Zelo’s friends, I found myself getting along with Youngjae and Yongguk a lot better than with him. He always liked to keep to himself or to the guys, like I was a kind of virus he would want to avoid no matter what.

“He didn’t. It’s just – I can tell. I’ve known him long enough to understand the way he thinks about people, including you.”

I thought about that while the guys distracted themselves by laughing at the way Himchan tried to make them all hate Youngjae. Yongguk was right when he said that Daehyun and I had never really had the chance to get to know each other. He had always just been Jung Daehyun to me. Prankster, yet oddly quiet, not all that clever but at the same time still just a tiny bit charming Jung Daehyun. He didn't seem interested in me and I never felt inclined to get to know him either. Wasn't that our mutual agreement? To just stay out of each other's way and let the other one be?

But then again, that was all kinds of impossible now. Now that Zelo seemed to be a lot more accepting of me and I was also paired up with Daehyun's girlfriend and actually got along with her, it was unthinkable that we could ever return to just strangers.

Also, I wouldn't be able to easily forget that terrible Wednesday evening.

"Hey, you okay?" Zelo asked me quietly while next to him, Jongup folded a paper crane and put it on Himchan's head, the latter still too occupied with bickering with anything on two legs to notice. "You're doing that 'I'm scrunching my face like I'm constipated but I'm actually thinking' thing again and it's not pretty."

Apparently he didn't say that softly enough because his friends burst out in laughter and their past bickering was all forgotten. It also resulted into me fake-punching him in his left cheek and then stomping away, which only caused for them to laugh even harder. This time around, Mrs Hwang didn't tell them to shut up.

It was 17:12 when they slowly got up. Himchan stretched out oh-so subtly so he could 'accidentally' reveal his toned abs to the girls sitting in the corner of the café. Yongguk definitely noticed that movement, but I could see him make the decision to let it slide in his thoughts. Jongup had left the table behind with five folded paper cranes. Instead of leaving their things for us to clean, they brought their cups to our bar.

"Want me to do groceries?" Zelo asked me. "I'll buy, you'll cook."

"Sounds good," I said earnestly. "Just buy whatever you feel like eating. I'll figure out what to do with it."

His eyes brightened at the idea of picking what was for dinner. Zelo might be one year younger than I was, to me he would always be the baby brother whose cuteness would never go by me unnoticed. It was the small things, like the way his bed was always a mess because it made him feel more comfortable or the way he blinked excessively whenever he was absorbed by his thoughts, that deepened all of my protective instincts over him.

Before they left, Yongguk stopped at my spot of the bar and said: “It’s good to see that you two seem to be getting along like before again.”

Like before. Those words had to sink in before I knew how I felt about them. Like before, as in before our father proved himself to be a disappointment. Admittedly, the bitterness of those memories was still far from buried. I wondered if I would ever be able to not let that affect me – he was my father, after all. But I knew better than anyone that letting his departure haunt both Zelo and me so deeply would only cause for time to stop in both our worlds. We wouldn’t progress, just stay in the same spot forever while the world around us would keep turning.

There was nothing more frightening than that.

“Yeah,” I answered. “It feels good. I’ve missed it.”

“My boyfriend came to look for one of his notebooks so he’s here right now. I hope you don’t mind.”

I hope you don’t mind.

I hope you don’t mind.

“No, sure, I don’t mind.”

But your boyfriend will. His timing .

And, okay, I did mind. A bit. I wasn't mentally prepared to face this situation.

I walked in like everything was fine and truth to be told, this shouldn't have been something uncomfortable to me. This situation was unfortunate, but it was supposed to bother only Daehyun.

Realising that my way of thinking had that touch of cowardice to it only made me feel even guiltier. Jinae waited for me as I took off my jacket and shoes. I didn't really look at her when we entered her living room. I liked to make myself believe that she didn't notice.

The thing about guilt is that it triggers a domino effect of continuous actions that are actually just petty lies. Just things you tell others, so you'll feel better about the messed up things you do. It kind of makes you believe that the things you're doing are justified, which, well, they're not. It becomes a loop, and then a spiral, because it just gets worse and worse, until at a point you realise that you're at the very bottom.

I told Jinae that she was wearing a really nice sweater and in thank she gave me one of her bright smiles. It wasn't a real lie, but neither was it something I would do usually. I was making exceptions and that was really the first step in the loop.

I sat down on the same chair at the kitchen table I’d sat at a week ago. As I unpacked my stuff, I could hear Jinae shouting up the stairs at Daehyun before she came back and smiled at me apologetically.

“So I wrote a short synopsis of the play. I was thinking maybe you should proofread it and see if you have anything you’d like to add,” I said as I handed her a print. She looked at all of my notes with big eyes.

“Wow, that’s awesome,” she mumbled as her eyes scanned over the words. “How long did you spend doing this?”

“Two hours, maybe? I don’t know, I worked on it for one afternoon and I didn’t really do anything else for it. This is all.” I paused and showed her how most of my notes were just copied quotes from the play. It wasn’t much effort. “It looks like it was a lot of work, but–”

“Okay, I can’t find it anywhere, so I think I left it at Jae’s. Or at least I hope so, otherwise I’m so –”

From my peripheral view I could see him enter the room, but I didn’t bother looking up to meet his eyes immediately. I knew what he looked like. I just hoped for his sake that he was good at hiding it, because Jinae would ask questions if he didn’t play this smooth.

“Oh,” Daehyun said. “Hey.”

“Dae, this is Nana. We’re doing English together,” Jinae said with a happy smile. “Nana, this is Daehyun, my boyfriend.”

“Yeah, we already know each other. Nana is Zelo’s older sister.”

Jinae seemed surprised at hearing this. She looked at me, the question apparent in her eyes. I could tell that she was inspecting my features while keeping Zelo’s in mind. “Really? I didn’t know.”

“Yeah… We don’t really look alike, I know,” I said lamely with a shrug.

“No, no,” Jinae answered. “You do look alike. I mean, you kind of give off the same feeling. It’s just that you guys’ personalities are really different. I mean, you seem really calm and collected and Zelo’s really… how to call it? Passionate? Fiery?”

Daehyun must have realised that I felt uncomfortable with her directness, so he simply said: “I guess that’s just how siblings usually are. Anyway, I think I left my notes at Youngjae’s, but I’m pretty sure that he isn’t home yet. Could I borrow your History notes for a bit?”

He was doing that thing again. For a long while I thought that perhaps it was just coincidence, but it did clarify a lot of things about him and me. Sometimes I thought that he didn’t like talking to me because he simply had no interest in me. But more recently I’ve started to realise that he actually understood, as one of the few, that I was sensitive when it came to communication. People who were too direct left me at a loss of words. People who talked too easily made me detach. The tiny grey zone between these two sides was a hard place to land, so Daehyun chose for the other option: silence.

I didn’t know how I should’ve felt about that. Should I have been happy that he was able to read me so well, or was that my warning to stay away from him?

After Jinae’d gone up the stairs to find her notes, we finally really exchanged looks. I looked up at him. He was still standing by the door. The slight smile that he first had slowly faded away.

“Don’t tell her,” he said. “You keep giving me that look like you’re about to tell her. But you can’t.”

“I already told you that I wouldn’t.”

“Yet I keep getting this feeling that you will,” he responded almost immediately. His confidence, the way he seemed so sure and his decisiveness left me astonished.

“No, I promised you I wouldn’t, so I won’t. But as I said, you’ll have to tell her eventually. She will find out otherwise, and that’s just worse.”

“Listen, this is my problem and though I know I screwed up, I wasn’t planning on dragging you in. You told me yourself that you didn’t want to be dragged in, so this is my way of not getting you involved in this. And I would kind of appreciate it if you’d just work along.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Making me shut up and watch how you lie to your girlfriend isn’t the way to not get me involved. You’re just making the problem worse and worse until it explodes.”

The way Daehyun gritted his teeth at that made me think that he was going to blow up at me, but to my surprise he stayed quiet. It was only after a few moments of silence that I realised he only did that to listen to the whereabouts of his girlfriend, because he did have a lot of words for me: “Before you start your judgmental ing on me, maybe you should consider that things aren’t always as black and white as you think they are. You don’t know the entire story, so maybe you and your condescending should just stay out of it. You’re not above me, Nana. Don’t even think of acting like you are.”

“Judgmental ing?” I spat. “You think that is what it’s about? If there’s anything I’ve tried to stay away from the most during this entire situation, it was judging you!”

“Well, how can you blame me? Isn’t that how you’ve always been towards me? Or towards Zelo’s friends in general? From the beginning you labelled all of us the way that it pleased you, because it was easy to. Yongguk, the gangster; Himchan, the rich playboy; Daehyun, the cold, cheating . Does that ring a bell?” He took two steps closer to the table and leaned down with his palms on wooden surface. His bangs were so long that they almost hung in front of his eyes. His eyes were set in a fierce look that I hadn’t seen from him before. “Don’t try to pretend that it’s not true. From the start you’ve always judged us for the way we were. Don’t talk to me like I’m a coward when you’re just as bad – probably even worse than I am.”

“… Guys?” sounded Jinae’s soft voice from behind Daehyun. She seemed so lost and confused at the situation that I had this urge to explain everything to her. But I knew very well that I couldn’t, no matter how angry I was at Daehyun and no matter how tempting it was to just spill his secrets to her and let him deal with the consequences. That wasn’t fair to Jinae. “I don’t understand what’s going on… Why are you fighting?”

A part of me even believed that that wasn’t fair to Daehyun.

After that, Daehyun left with Jinae’s notebook. Neither of us really explained to her what had happened – after all, we couldn’t. Daehyun had muttered: “Disagreement from the past.” Then he grabbed his bag and left the house. From anger he’d forgotten his coat, even though it was a cold September afternoon. He didn’t come back for it.

As we worked on our project, I could feel that Jinae’s curiosity was still very much apparent. She tried asking me once or twice, but I brushed both attempts aside by proposing new ideas for the assignment. She probably knew what I was doing, but she didn’t point me out on it.

Afterwards I got back home tired and feeling empty inside. Zelo probably noticed I wasn’t being myself, so he brought me a cup of coffee at eleven o’clock, though he was usually terribly anti-caffeine in the late hours. I was glad that he didn’t ask me what was wrong, as I wasn’t sure I would be able to keep my mouth shut then.

The thing was that with every step I’d taken away from Jinae’s house after we called it quits, I felt more like Daehyun was perhaps right. His words, as fierce and anger-filled as they’d been, were a punch in the gut. From the beginning I had been terribly judgmental. It was in his very right to point that out to me and to call me a coward.

Because it was probably the truth.