Jonghyun felt hurt, betrayed. But In spite of everything, he didn’t, couldn’t find it in him to completely hate Kibum. He knew he was a fool but aren’t everyone the same when they love someone? They became blind, unseeing. Right became wrong and even nightmare was a daydream.

Jonghyun knew he was being selfish but what was he to do when the pain of seeing, listening, Kibum singing other people’s song was driving him insane? It’s just a stupid song but it hurts so much. He just wanted the radio to stop playing ToHeart’s song, wanted the TV to stop broadcasting ToHeart’s stage, and seeing Kibum’s (with Woohyun’s) face everywhere.

As much as he knew how it pained them both, Jonghyun had decided that they needed their time apart. He didn’t remember how he told Kibum and how the boy reacted.

He locked himself in his room and Jonghyun laughed bitterly when he realized he was writing again. Another word, another note. Thus, a song was born and when Jonghyun picked up another paper to spill yet another words on the blank sheet, he knew he couldn’t stop. At least not until the dull ache in his bleeding heart stop.

Pouring another words, Jonghyun thought how ironic it was that his heartache and the person who caused it was what gives birth to these beautiful melodies. He supposed no matter how hard he try, he cannot deny that Kim Kibum will always be his inspiration, even if the situation was less than fortunate.

Jonghyun didn’t leave his house for days and days turned to weeks, but before weeks turned to month, his phone buzzed beside his head just before he was about to slip into dreamless sleep (it was almost seven in the morning).

Drowsily, Jonghyun brought the phone to his ear without checking the caller ID. He knew it couldn’t be Kibum. “Hello?”

“Good morning, Jonghyun-ah!” Jinki’s bright voice greeted him.

Jonghyun groaned, “I haven’t sleep, Hyung.”

He heard Jinki huffed and mumbled something under his breath but Jonghyun was too sleepy to make them out. “Okay, then I guess I will call you in 5 then?”

“Yeah, night hyung.” Jonghyun mumbled. He didn’t bother to end the call knowing that Jinki will do it for both of them. He Shifted around a bit until he found the most comfortable position and fell asleep for five hours straight.

Jinki’s call was the first thing he heard when he cracked his eyes open. “Morning, hyung,” he mumbled, setting the phone to speaker mode as he rolled onto his stomach and buried his face to the pillow, willing the sleepiness away.

“Good morning to you too, Jonghyun. Well, it’s technically noon…” When Jonghyun only grunted in response, Jinki took it as his sign to continue, “well, just in time for lunch, isn’t it? What do you say? Let’s have lunch together, it’s on me!”

He scrunched his nose, lunch, when was the last time he had lunch? Jonghyun raised his head, “sounds good, Hyung. Where?”

“I will send the map to you via apps,” Jinki said excitedly, “see you later in an hour! Don’t forget to shower and brush your teeth.”

They bid each other goodbye before ending the call. Jonghyun stretched a bit, pulling his arms above his head to ease some knots. He had been sitting and hunching over too much, maybe he should ask his mother or his noona for a massage, they’re really good at it.

He took a quick shower, relishing in the way the cold water washed over him. All the while, he kept on thinking; when was the last time I took shower? When was the last time I left the room? When was the last time I went out?

Stepping out from the shower, Jonghyun took his time selecting his clothes, drying his hair with towel as he did so. He opted for a pair of ripped skinny jeans and black turtleneck. He considered taking a coat with him since the weather was starting to get chilly but dropped the idea when he remembered he was going to spend it indoor with Jinki.

After making sure he got his wallet in his pocket and the lace of his black boots were tied securely enough, Jonghyun left his house. The weather was good, it was sunny and warmer than Jonghyun had expected it to be. Jonghyun unlocked his phone to check the direction Jinki sent him; four blocks away. Still a walking distance, he thought with a shrug.

Jonghyun didn’t realize he had missed going out until today. The way the sunlight kissed his skin, the way crisp, fresh early autumn air entered his lungs, even the smell of smokes that filled his nose; he missed this. He inhaled loudly, stretching his hands outwards and tilting his head back. He greedily drank in his surroundings; the passing cars, the laughing children somewhere on his right, the barking dogs behind him, the texture of asphalt beneath his feet. Everything made him feel giddy.

Jonghyun felt laughter bubbling inside of him. Happiness, he thought, is a strange thing. One moment, it felt like the world was crashing down so hard around you that you were sure nothing is going to be be alright. But then something will happen, even if it’s something as small and trivial as going out after being locked inside your room for so long; even it could bring back the smile to your face. It could make you feel ‘alright’.

The warmth of the sun, the song that the city sings, the smiles and greetings strangers exchanged with each other. When you take it for granted, it might seem of no importance. But Jonghyun took it as none, he tried to be conscious of them. Taking meanings in each and every of small, simple gestures; it was his way of being grateful.

He grew up with anxiety, of over fearing things, of over thinking things. The negative had always outweigh the positive. For him, everything was bleak and people were eternal judges. Endlessly watching and observing every single thing he did. Jonghyun had always feared people’s eyes but he wasn’t as scared now compared to before. It’s all thanks to Kibum.

“Kibum,” Jonghyun mumbled, suddenly feeling the little of energy he had earned leaving him. How is he doing, he wondered. Is he doing fine? Is he sleeping well? Is he eating properly? He’s still promoting with ToHeart isn’t he?

A part of Jonghyun hoped Kibum wasn’t doing well because the thought of Kibum doing fine without him was making him sad. He hoped Kibum was hurting as much he does but those were the smaller part of him.

The larger part of Jonghyun, the part that had given himself up for the younger male, wished that Kibum was doing fine and better than him. Kibum might be hurting but he wished he wasn’t hurting as much as Jonghyun was. Jonghyun prayed, in the darkness of his room as he spilled his thoughts and feelings on the blank paper, that Kibum was laughing, smiling, having a good time with whoever happened to be with him at the moment.

As unfair as it sounds, Jonghyun hoped that Kibum could find in him to be happy in spite of knowing that he had hurt Jonghyun greatly. Because Kibum should know, his happiness was Jonghyun’s as well.

“I miss you, Kibum-ah,” he his phone in his pocket. He had considered contacting Kibum for a while now but whenever he could, the pain of being lied to flash in his mind and the urge to write would take over him.

Jonghyun snorted, it was funny how easily he was overcome with emotion and how those emotions had inspired him to write. “I guess no matter what, you’re still my music…” he whispered to himself with a sad smile on his face.

When Jonghyun entered the café, he was about ten minutes late because he had decided to take a roundabout way, simply for the sake of enjoying his walk and satisfying his need to venture just a little bit more. To Jonghyun’s relief, there were little people in the cafe despite being lunch time. He climbed the stairs to the second floor where Jinki had been waiting. He spotted the elder male sitting on a red couch while playing with his phone.

“Hyung!” Jonghyun gave him a back hug, making Jinki yelped in surprise and dropping his phone in the process. The younger of the two laughed and the other soon followed, ruffling Jonghyun’s hair eagerly.

“I’m glad to hear you well, Jonghyun-ah,” Jinki said with a smile in his voice. Jonghyun grinned, he nuzzled on Jinki’s dark brown hair with a sigh. He had really missed his hyung.

After Jonghyun sat across Jinki, the elder gave him the menu. They fooled around a bit, making fun comment to each other before ordering. The waiter who attended them recognized Jinki with a gasp, making the already giggling duo laugh even more. The young waiter stammered as he noted their order but before he left, he shyly asked Jinki for autograph.

“How are you, Jonghyun-ah?” Jinki asked after the waiter left the two of them alone.

“Not really well, but I will manage, hyung,” Jonghyun replied, he turned his gaze down to the empty table between them, smiling sadly, “I can, I have to...that’s the least I can do.”

Jinki hummed. This was the first time Jonghyun met Jinki, or anyone else in that matter, after ToHeart’s debut was announced. He assumed Kibum had talked to the older boy about the circumstance, it was likely that Jinki had grasped the idea of what was going on between them as well. The leader of SHINee was the most perceptive and understanding after all. There’s a reason why he was the person that Jonghyun trusted the most after Kibum.

“I saw Key yesterday,” Jinki observed the male in front of him, noting how Jonghyun’s shoulders tensed upon hearing his best friend’s name. “He didn’t seem to get a lot of sleep.”

“Is ToHeart’s, is their schedule busy?” Jonghyun croaked out without trying to hide the worry in his voice. He felt painful tug on his heart after hearing the state Kibum was in. Kibum never had trouble sleeping before.

“More or less, yes. But they’re wrapping up their promotion next week so he should be able to get more sleep and rest soon.”

Jonghyun visibly relaxed in his seat. He closed his eyes and sighed in relief, “that’s...that’s good to know. Kibum can be cranky when he didn’t sleep enough…”

“Are you still,” Jinki paused, trying to find the right word. Jonghyun fluttered his eyes open, he saw the older boy’s struggle, biting his lips with a frown on his face handsome face.

“I don’t know if I’m still angry or not,” Jonghyun said quietly. Jinki looked up to him in surprise, he didn’t expect Jonghyun to bring up the issue by himself. “If that’s what you want to know. I don’t hate him as well, God, I can never do that, can’t I?”

Relief flood over Jinki, he felt himself breathing a little easier. After seeing the devastated state Kibum was in when he was away from the camera, he couldn’t help but worry. He had expected Jonghyun to be in similar state but to his surprise, Jonghyun seemed to be coping with it better. “You had changed.”

“Kibum wants me to,” Jonghyun smiled at the memory of his best friend, of his proud smile and his adoring words. “What Kibum wants, I can only give.”

“Even if he asked you to write a song for someone else?” Jinki asked bluntly.

Jonghyun tensed again but he shook his head as if to cast the fear away.  “I assumed you have heard about Zion T’s offer?” Jinki nodded as an answer. “I, I have been thinking about it and I think, yes, yes if that’s part of the change, if that’s what I have to do really change...yes, I will eventually accept the offer. I just need time, Hyung.”

The brunette looked at Jonghyun in wonder, mouth agape. He was amazed with how far Jonghyun had come. He still remembered meeting Jonghyun for the first time, how the young composer had quickly scampered away from him whenever they passed each other in the hall, or pulled his hood lower in fail attempt to make himself invisible. Jinki remembered how Jonghyun had struggled so much in just making small conversation.

That Jonghyun, who couldn’t finish his speech without any stutter or stammer, was long gone, replaced with the male in front of him. This male was surer of himself yet he was still insecure.

“Have you told him about this?” the elder asked again.

Jonghyun shook his head. “No, but I know Kibum knew what’s my answer in the end.”

“Are you sure?”

Jonghyun looked at Jinki with a pout, it’s as if he found Jinki’s question offensive. “Are you doubting how well Kibum know me?”

Jinki let out a laugh, raising his hand in defense while shaking his head. He couldn’t help but think it’s funny that despite everything, Jonghyun was still defensive when it came to him and Kibum. “No, of course not. I’m sure he know you better than anyone else in the entire universe. At least that answered my question if Kibum accepted the offer without knowing the answer on your part.”

“Kibum knew, that’s why he agreed to do ToHeart,” Jonghyun sat back and exhaled deeply. “To be honest, I’m angry that he agreed on it, but I have promised him I will change so I tried to learn to live with that while considering Zion T’s offer. I tried, and I guess if that’s what really Kibum wanted, if that was what needed of me to change, to expand my world and improve myself, then what other choice do I have than live with it?”

Jinki listened attentively to his junior’s confession. Nodding and giving affirmative hum in between as Jonghyun continue telling him about his struggle and his fear, his worry.

“I’m just upset that Kibum lied to me, well, technically he didn’t lie, he just hid it. Still, it’s hurting me the same, hyung. The thought that Kibum had even a fraction in him to doubt me...”

Jonghyun sniffed. He pressed the heel of his palm to his eyes to hold his tears back. Jinki quickly reached for Jonghyun’s hand that lied on the table, running his thumb over his knuckles and whispering comfortable words to soothe the younger.

“I just want him to trust me, how can I trust myself when Kibum doesn’t?” The blond continue when he felt himself composed enough to speak. “I know- I know it might have been my fault as well. Had I not been a coward and a little more brave, then maybe Kibum will put more faith in me...I hate myself, I hate myself for hating Kibum! He didn’t do anything wrong. It’s me, it’s always my fault! I-”

When Jonghyun couldn’t continue because of the sob that took over his body, Jinki stood up and went over to hold the younger boy. He ran his hand on the boy’s back, resting his chin on Jonghyun’s head. He felt Jonghyun circling his arms around Jinki’s torso, clutching the fabric of his jacket tightly.

“It’s not your fault, Jonghyun-ah. Kibum should have told you, you deserve to know,” Jinki murmured gently. “You said you want to change and you have. You did a great job, Jonghyun. I’m proud of you, Kibum is too, Minho and Taemin too.”

Jonghyun sniffed, he snuggled closer to the elder’s embrace, “really? Minho and Taemin do?”

“Of course,” Jinki smiled. “Remember when you posted picture of yourself and our CDs on SNS? They cried so much over it, they’re really happy for you. We also have picture of us as our wallpaper.”

Jinki pulled away a little to take his phone without letting Jonghyun away from his hold. Jinki showed him his phone wallpaper with a proud grin, it’s a picture of them together taken after SHINee won an award, the one with Jonghyun sandwiched between the four and hid his face with SHINee’s CD.

Jonghyun sniffed with a shy smile, he took his own phone and showed Jinki his own wallpaper, “I also have the same.” The elder grinned happily. He was shining with pride and happiness that Jonghyun felt the tug on his lips to grin as well.

“We’re proud of you, Jonghyun,” Jinki said, pulling Jonghyun to his embrace again while ruffling his hair affectionately. “Please don’t think lowly of yourself, please stop blaming yourself. You might had done your mistake in the past, of being scared, of being coward. But it was in the past, and it wasn’t your fault as well that you’re suffering from anxiety. That was then, but now you had decided to change and fight against your anxiety. And you’re doing so well, you have come this far.”

“Am I,” Jonghyun croaked out, feeling his tears gathering again on his eyes, “Am I really doing well, Hyung?”

“Yes, Jonghyun, you are.” Jinki pulled away. He looked down on his crying junior, cradling his small head between his palms and used his thumbs to rub the tears away. “You might think you’re not, you might think you’re slow. But, Jonghyun, everyone have their own pace, even if you’re slow, you’re still making progress.”

Jonghyun nodded. Jinki was being so kind to him and he couldn’t be anymore grateful. This hyung, this clumsy yet wise hyung, he was so thankful for his presence. He was grateful that years ago, Jinki had decided (stubbornly) to try talking to him despite Jonghyun’s multiple attempt at running away. Jonghyun was also glad he decided to muster up the courage to let Jinki in.

“I love you, Hyung,” Jonghyun gave out a small laugh, burying his head again in Jinki’s torso. He received another laugh in response and smiled widely when Jinki held him tighter.

“I love you too, Jonghyun-ah, but we both know that you love Kibum more than you love me.”

Jonghyun spluttered, he quickly pulled away to look up at the elder’s face with wide eyes, cheeks burning scarlet. “What do- I- What?”

“Come on, Jonghyun. Do you mean to hide it? Because you’re doing a really horrible job at that,” Jinki laughed louder, squishing Jonghyun’s cheeks and earning himself groan of protest in return.

Jonghyun tried to swat Jinki’s offending hands away but the elder resorted to pinch his cheeks instead. Pouting and looking away, Jonghyun spoke, “well, not that I tried to hide it or anything, it’s just...well…”

Jinki smiled down bemusedly at his junior’ “it’s one of those unspoken thing, isn’t it? Your relationship.”

The blond closed his eyes. He thought of Kibum. Kim Kibum. The person whom he wanted to share all beautiful sceneries he saw. The person whom he wanted to listen his favorite song with. The person who always occupied his mind, the person he had always been by his side ever since Jonghyun could remember. And it was when he met the younger boy did Jonghyun’s world start.

“I love him,” Jonghyun admitted, more to himself than to Jinki. “I have always do, and that’s how it will always be. Even if Kibum decided that I am not the one for him, even if Kibum choose another…”

He felt a prickle at his heart, remembering the time with Hyungseop. He was so sure Kibum was going to leave him for another person but he had returned. After that when he was a lot calmer, Jonghyun had thought to himself. If Kibum were to love another person, then Jonghyun wouldn’t stop him. Of course it hurts but he would live with it. As long as Kibum didn’t leave him, He can endure everything. After all, Kibum’s happiness is first and foremost.

“Even if Kibum choose to love another person, even if Kibum couldn’t return my feelings, nothing will change,” Jonghyun raised his head to stare at the ceiling above, smiling, he continued, “I will always love him, that’s one thing that I’m always confident at.”

Jinki watched Jonghyun’s face with thoughtful yet sad smile on his face. How could his juniors be so blind, he mused, how could they not realize each other’s feelings? Yet, they claimed they know each other’s best.

Well, he chuckled, that’s for them to figure it out themselves, huh? He can only look after them from afar, supporting, encouraging them, praying that one day his two beloved juniors can truly see what’s in front of them. “Sometimes, there are things that has to be spoken.”

“I’m not asking for anything in return,” Jonghyun spoke softly. “As long as Kibum is happy it’s enough for me.”

Jinki playfully pinched his cheek again. “Yah, but now none of you two are happy. You two are miserable, hurry up and make up with each other. I can’t stand seeing my dongsaengs all depressed, you two are getting on Taemin and Minho’s nerves as well, you know!”

Jonghyun laughed despite himself. He felt a large burden was lifted from him. “Okay, I’m sorry, Hyung! I’m sorry! I will make up with Kibum, I promised.”

“You better. I’m tired with Taemin and Minho’s nagging. They almost come too today but I managed to fool them by giving them wrong time,” Jinki huffed, giving Jonghyun one more firm hug before returning to his seat.

“Seriously? That’s awful, Hyung. I feel bad for them,” Jinki just cackled and Jonghyun snorted at the mischievous glint on the elder’s face.

The waiter appeared not long after, carrying a tray filled with food and drink. His hand visibly trembled when he placed the order on the table much to Jinki and Jonghyun’s amusement. But then suddenly there was something, something so strong that Jonghyun was sure it’d burn him if he ignored it. The alarm bell in his head said that this something is stupid but a part of him told him otherwise; trust yourself, it said, trust yourself whom Kibum trusts.

So before the waiter left, Jonghyun called him, earning himself a curious glance from Jinki who was ready to dig into his meal. Jonghyun gazed at his senior shyly, biting the corner of his lips before addressing the stunned waiter. “Yah, do you know Wefreaky?”

The male blinked a few times, sneaking a glance at Jinki who stared at his companion with big eyes and dropping jaw. “Y-yes. I know Wefreaky, it’s SHINee’s junior from SM, right?”

“Do you,” Jonghyun laced his fingers together tightly to conceal his trembling hands. The alarm was stilling ringing in his head, almost deafening. his lips, he tried again, “do you know J, then?”

“Jonghyun-ah,” he heard Jinki called, both in worry and bewilderment, but Jonghyun ignored him, focusing his gaze on the waiter who was still looking at them with confusion written all over his face.

“Yes, the mysterious of the two. He’s a genius composer and singer but nobody know who he is.”

Jonghyun stole another glance at Jinki and the sight that greeted him made him laugh. If he was in the elder’s place, he’d probably make the same face. He felt weird, like he was about to explode but in positive manner, he’s nervous but at the same time he’s bursting with energy.

“Consider yourself lucky,” Jonghyun smiled at the waiter, “because you are the first person to know his identity.”

The two males gasped loudly. The waiter covered his mouth with trembling hands while Jinki just gaped at Jonghyun like a dead fish. Jonghyun cackled, he averted his gaze from the poor male and bit his lips, looking at Jinki shyly.

“Well, Hyung,” he stammered, grabbing his fork and knife with slightly shaking hands, “Let’s eat, I guess?”

Jinki clamped his mouth shut tightly before breaking into a big grin, his eyes shining, and laughter started to bubble inside him. “I can’t believe you, Kim Jonghyun! I can’t- Oh my God!”

Jonghyun blushed, he soon followed the elder’s example and laugh as well. After a while, they realized the poor waiter was still standing there, dumbfounded. Jinki apologized and asked him to keep what he just heard a secret. The waiter nodded so hard that the two singers worried his head would fall off before climbing down the stairs noisily.

“I didn’t see that coming,” Jinki chuckled, pinching a piece of meat between his chopsticks.

Jonghyun blushed with a grin in his face, “well, I didn’t know where it came from either. I just, God, I think I have to do this…”

“Do what?” Jinki asked after he swallowed his food.

“I want to change, Hyung. I really do. That’s why I need your help,” Jonghyun peered up at Jinki from beneath his lashes. The elder shot him a curious glance before gesturing with his chopstick.

“Come on, shoot.”

Jonghyun looked down to his half eaten food, taking a deep, shuddering breath, he raised his head again, wetting his bottom lips before speaking, “Well...

-

A/N: HELLO EVERYONE! I hope the fluff (and the jongyu, God I love jongyu so much) can make up for the pain I've made you went through in the last chapter (   6v6)b Thank you for all your comments!

So Jonghyun decided to bite the bullet and go the hell with it lol. I personally find this development of Jonghyun to be a little bit unrealistic actually, for that I apologize. But I still want to believe that a change won't happen unless you initiate it first and strongly believes you can achieve it^^ A little spoiler for the next chapter; there will be jongkey interaction (    `ㅂ´) w (ㅎㅅㅎ   )

Btw have you seen Jonghyun's latest insta update? Is it just me or Key was talking in the background???