180211

On the contrary to the news that Chanyeol Park delivered, there is nothing going on the front yard when the two girls arrive. Joohyun, who during the taxi ride remained perfectly motionless and unresponsive, sprints out of the vehicle almost as soon as the driver stops at the gate, leaving Seungwan to take care of the fee. The older does not know where to even look first, having expected everyone to be exactly where she was told they would be – but her own steps naturally take her to the guest parking lot situated on the other side of the main administrative building. She is right. She stops some twenty feet away, taking in the scene in front of her.

Junmyeon is there, looking pale as sheet and making rapid, somewhat chaotic movements to fend off the old man who Joohyun, having spent countless days in her best friend’s house, immediately recognises as Mr. Kang. Unlike the last time Joohyun has seen her twin in a fight, this time the boy looks scared out of his mind but does not dare move away, making brave effort to shield the cowering Seulgi behind him.

‘-was the only thing I asked of you! To behave decently!’ Joohyun catches the last words. The man’s voice sounds rough, as if he has already had his fair share of screaming; he is nearly drawling now. ‘I was lenient on you, I let you meet this- this boy,’ Mr. Kang momentarily looks at Junmyeon, making it clear that he sees him as anything but human, let alone a suitable candidate for his daughter. ‘His family were supposed to be good Christians.’

Seulgi lets out a strangled sob, not knowing where to look and eventually hiding her face in her palms in shame. Joohyun looks around, belatedly realising that they have quite an audience – they initial crowd, if any, had already dispersed but there are more than just a few heads poking out of the windows of the male dormitory whose Southern wall faces the commotion.

On the other side at the far back, Chanyeol Park, Sehun and Tao Huang do their best not to jump directly into the fire of the hopeless argument – and appearing to have been chastised for a similar action already, too.

Junmyeon just fists his hands, willing himself to remain respectful despite the circumstances.

‘I never once let you feel different because you weren’t the son your mother and I wanted. Even after we couldn’t have more children, I never said anything. The only thing I asked of you was to not bring shame to your hard-working parents and what do you do? You allow yourself to be pulled into the trap of this devil.’ When he finally spares Junmyeon a pointed glance, Joohyun’s twin stammers,

‘S-sir, I- Believe me, I-‘ He stops, unsure what it is that he actually needs to say, because nothing that he could possibly think of will convince Seulgi’s father of Junmyeon’s reliability. Probably rightfully so, he finally realises for he suddenly falls silent, eyes downcast. ‘I will take care of her,’ he eventually announces with as much determination as he can muster under the circumstances, but it nowhere near as convincing as he wishes it were. Mr. Kang’s gaze is ice cold.

‘You have done enough, don’t you think?’ Junmyeon flushes deep red at the comment, unable to counter it with his own. Junmyeon has never been of the witty kind, Joohyun briefly thinks, feeling mostly pity at his earnest attitude.

Seungwan appears at Joohyun’s side right then, but the latter hardly notices as it coincides almost exactly with another appearance – Mrs. Lee emerges from around the corner, pulling a large suitcase behind her, along with a rucksack being carried on her fragile looking frame. Head mistress Evans keeps her company, looking in equal measures embarrassed and astounded. Mr. Kang notices them and looks back at her daughter.

‘Your mother is ill, Seulgi,’ he emphasises. Seulgi peeks through her fingers in that direction, too ashamed to face her parents. ‘We came to this country to give you a better life. We both worked hard so you didn’t have to. She ruined her own health tending to your needs. You’re in this expensive school because of our sacrifice and this is how you repay us?’

‘Dohwan, please…’ Joohyun hears faint Korean.

Mrs. Lee joins them, looking beyond tired and eyes red. Joohyun’s Korean is very basic – her family are the fourth generation of the original emigrants from her mother’s side and so they are Asian in face and name only. She understand only a little, most of which has been taught to her by Seulgi who in her family is the first and only member born in the new country. Her parents decided to emigrate during the IMF crisis and never fully integrated, at least as far as their customs and language goes. Every time Joohyun visited Seulgi’s house, they would always communicate in their native language, switching to English only for the guest’s sake.

Looking at her mother, Seulgi begins to sob for real, once again hiding her face in shame and regret. Joohyun cannot stand it anymore. Junmyeon takes notice of his sister when she is a few feet away from their little gathering.

‘What is happening here?’ She goes straight for Seulgi, embracing her. Her best friend goes pliant in her arms, no longer paying attention to her surroundings. Joohyun turns her away from the hostility and instead takes it upon herself to reason with the father.

‘You are no better than your brother. Step away from my daughter, we’re taking her home.’ Mr. Kang’s voice is quiet but there is no mistaking the sternness in it.

‘Seulgi is like my own sister. I will not let her go before I know that you will not hurt her.’ It is a wrong thing to say, she realises immediately for the man takes a step forward, looking like he has been slapped.

‘Watch your mouth, little girl. I know, I heard from my daughter that you’ve abandoned God.’ Joohyun closes her eyes briefly, taking the verbal hit. ‘I know what kind of person you are so don’t you even dare imply that I would hurt my own daughter. ‘Your brother-’ He takes a deep breath to calm himself, before continuing. ‘Your brother was supposed to protect my child! He swore to me, he swore that he could be trusted and that he’d keep her safe and pure. He told me they’d both be close to God. But the moment I turn around he takes advantage of her and subjects her to his own hormonal urges? He used her and now she- Now she’s with child! And out of wedlock too!’

Joohyun has had some time to digest the information during the taxi ride, but hearing it from the man makes her mildly dizzy all the same. She tightens the embrace around Seulgi, almost involuntarily; the other girl can only cry on her shoulder.

Mrs. Lee chooses that moment to interject, communicating with her husband in rapid Korean. Joohyun doesn’t understand anything – catching words of home, Seulgi, go and stop thrown somewhere in there – but it does not take a language expert to figure out the intention. Seulgi’s mother is tired and upset, and wants to hurry up and take their only child home.

Junmyeon, who Joohyun guesses has been somewhat more diligent in his studies of Korean, at some point probably wanting to win Mr. Kang’s favour, seems to understand more. He replies in English, voice still shaking,

‘I will marry her. Right now if I have to. I beg of you, don’t take her away. I love her so much, I-’

Mr. Kang gives him one cool look before saying, ‘You don’t have the right to beg for anything.’ To his daughter, he says in Korean, ‘Seulgi, we’re going home.’ The message is clear enough for everyone, even the head mistress to understand.

‘You don’t have to go if you don’t feel safe,’ Joohyun mutters into her best friend’s ear, but Seulgi disentangles herself from the other’s arms and only shakes her head numbly. She follows her mother into the car, where she is once again stopped by Junmyeon, who runs up to her, trying to persuade her one last time. He receives a similar to Joohyun’s response and then the girl gets in, looking away dejectedly. Both twins can only stare in anguish as Seulgi’s father curtly settles the issue with the head mistress, promising to call the school in the next few days to withdraw the girl’s records.

Then he follows his family into the vehicle and the white Toyota soon disappears behind the gate. They stand in silence for a moment or two, before the head mistress observes,

‘It’s getting late. I trust that you all can find your rooms. Hurry up, please.’ With that, she leaves in the direction of her own office.

But sleep is the last thing on everyone’s mind, though, for the moment the woman is out of earshot Junmyeon turns around, looking straight at his sister. He mumbles a few incoherent words, as if still uncertain what he just witnessed. He’s pale, looking unnaturally tranquil but his hands are shaking.

‘They took her away.’ When Joohyun does not respond, he takes a step closer, pressing. ‘Why did you let them take her?’

Somewhat surprised by the accusation, his sister swallows the painful lump forming in before forming a suitable reply, her own mind blank.

‘They… They’re her family. She needed to go with them, you know what her father would do had she not. Let them come to terms with this, they can’t-‘

‘You told me it was ok.’ He interrupts again and Joohyun pauses, not quite grasping the meaning of his words at first.

‘Huh?’

‘I asked you and you told me that it was fine. That God allowed me to affirm my love for her. I’d wanted to break up with her because it didn’t feel right, but you persuaded me otherwise.’ Junmyeon grabs his twin’s arm, squeezing it tightly in hopelessness, while the latter only stares, expression of utter disbelief on her face.

‘I don’t understand what you mean. When did I ever tell you to-‘ Then it downs on her; she did in fact give this disastrous advice, if it could even be interpreted as such. Junmyeon was not clear enough in his confusion and Joohyun was too preoccupied with Sehun, Seungwan Son and her own midterm problems. He’d been talking about all along; she thought he was merely shy in expressing his affection for Seulgi.

‘Dude, you should really let Joohyun go,’ Seungwan Son appears next to her friend, trying to loosen the grip that Junmyeon has on her, but Joohyun herself barely acknowledges the rest of the little group forming around them.

‘I didn’t mean for this to happen, I didn’t know! How can you possibly suspect my intention towards you and-‘

‘I don’t know you at all! Who are you? You led me into this temptation and then you played with my feelings by sending me those filthy emails..?’ He begins shaking her arm mindlessly, getting more agitated by the second.

‘Junmyeon, wait-‘ The assault ends abruptly, sending the boy to the ground.

‘Didn’t you hear Seungwan telling you to stop shaking Bae?’ It is Chanyeol Park who pushes the other down, looking at him angrily. ‘And I sent you those messages.’

Despite the varying degrees of comprehension of the statement, everyone momentarily halts their actions, looking at the tallest boy. Junmyeon’s jaw falls open, stunned.

‘You? Why’d you… How…?’

‘You’re a bloody moron, that’s why. You were literally dicking Kang in the classroom where anyone could find you - guess what, somebody did. And I’ve bloody enjoyed every second of watching you squirm.’

‘You…You… Don’t touch me!’ Junmyeon’s attention is stolen away in the worst way possible – by Yixing Zhang who attempts to help him up and gets pushed away in the process. Joohyun does not know when the latter entered the scene but what is done, is done. He looks hurt, but his former best friend’s feelings seem to be the last thing on Junmyeon’s mind as he drawls at Chanyeol.

‘What did I ever do to you, Park? Why don’t you just leave me alone?’

‘Like you left Sehun and Yixing alone? I’m not one for violence but I wouldn’t mind socking you a punch or two, I wouldn’t bloody mind at all.’

‘You little-‘

‘You’ve brought this upon yourself, you religious hypocrite, so don’t you raise your voice at me. Should’ve blown your wad alone instead of boning your girlfriend. Not my fault you can’t keep it in your pants-‘ It is Chanyeol’s turn to earn a hit to the face and he stumbles backwards, barely keeping balance.

‘What bloody idiots,’ Joohyun hears Seungwan mumble, before she walks up to Chanyeol, fruitlessly attempting to block his path. Tao Huang seems to have had enough of this as well because he steps in between the two, making a point to look at each and non-verbally letting them know just how little he thinks of their intelligence.

‘This unwarranted display of insecure masculinity has been wonderful but I think it’s high time you all went back to your rooms. I don’t understand what’s going on at all and I don’t like you, Junmyeon, but I’m fully inclined to believe that whatever it is that you accuse Chanyeol of doing, he’s done it and it was royally ed up. He’s always been insane when it comes to standing up for his friends. Now-!’ He raises his voice, successfully overtaking Chanyeol’s outraged hey! ‘You, stop blaming your poor sister for sticking your where it wasn’t welcome and knocking that poor gal up. Next time, be safe and use rubber, all right? Better yet, ing be a man and take responsibility for your own mistakes or once.’

Junmyeon barely hears the long tirade though, keeping his eyes on Chanyeol and then turning to Joohyun and Sehun, who’s in the meantime took a stand behind his sister but otherwise hardly reacted.

‘This isn’t over,’ he eventually says, sounding both hurt and enraged at the same time. ‘You two,’ he points at his siblings. ‘This isn’t over. Whatever we agreed on, I don’t care anymore. Father will know about this… All of this.’ He makes a vague gesture in the air but the message is clear. Sehun immediately pales.

‘I-I’ll tell the school who beat Yixing up.’ The stammer gets in the way of the threat being remotely believable. Junmyeon sends him a prolonged look before approaching him in three long strides and meeting his younger brother face to face.

‘I love Seulgi. Whatever happens, we will marry, have a child and be forgiven. We’ll have a good Christian family because God forgives those that repent for their sins. So you can tell the school all you want, but you and I are done. You disgust me, Sehun, you and your relationship with him.’ He points in Yixing’s direction, not even sparing a look. ‘You are not my brother anymore. Think about that when you rot in hell.’

Sehun’s lower lip quivers, unable to take such a direct insult calmly. He takes a deep breath, trying to not let the feelings of despair and anxiety get the best of him.

Chanyeol Park is not having any of it. He screams in anger, trying to overcome Tao standing right in front of him and keeping him away, but before he can get to Junmyeon, someone else does.

Joohyun, who has stood by Sehun’s side during the exchange, raises her left palm and slaps Junmyeon – once, but hard and effectively – into silence. His hand shoots up to his mouth in disbelief, drawing blood from the split lip; the sharp edge of the purity ring on her finger must have caught on.

‘No,’ she says. ‘You are not our brother anymore.’

Then she stalks off, in haste to find solace before she falls apart.

Seulgi’s side of the bedroom has been cleaned out, save for the bed sheets. It feels surreal; the two have shared this very room for more than six years. Gone are the two photographs of them and of Seulgi’s family always standing at her friend’s desk; gone are the green pillows so nicely fitting in with the violet theme running in Joohyun’s part of the room. No more notebooks with silly poetry written by Seulgi herself and no more books with French conjugations piling up next to the chair. Even the big poster of a puppy winking – a gift from Joohyun for Seulgi’s 16^th birthday - is gone from above the bed.

Joohyun feels indescribable pain in her heart.

There is a light knock on her door and Joohyun clears before asking the newcomer in. She expected Seungwan to appear at some point and the latter did not disappoint. She gave Joohyun just enough time to shower and calm down – as much as she could, anyway. The younger opens the door, timidly poking her head into the room and assessing the situation at hand. The smile Joohyun sends her is hollow, but it is a smile nonetheless. At Seungwan’s questioning gaze, she nods once for encouragement.

‘Fancy watching a film with me?’ The singer points to the laptop under her arm. ‘And some hot milk tea?’ She carries two plastic bottles in the other hand.

‘We have school tomorrow…’ Joohyun responds, but is already making space next to herself on the bed. She understands and appreciates the gift of distraction that Seungwan is offering.

Soon Saving Face is playing on the screen and the two are watching it silently, getting comfortable among Joohyun’s pillows and blankets. Joohyun’s head soon falls on Seungwan’s shoulder, finding it harder and harder to keep straight. Confrontations have always drained her emotionally.

‘Why do you think Wilhelmina finally allowed herself to overcome her fear and be happy with Victoria?’ The question slips out without meaning to. Joohyun vaguely remembers that Victoria’s name is actually not Victoria but for the life of her, she cannot gather enough wits to ponder the issue further.

Seungwan shrugs delicately, so as not to disturb the other.

‘Like every lesbian ever, she was eventually met with a choice. You either close yourself off and die alone – though never giving society the satisfaction, if you know what I mean,’ she adds humorously, to which Joohyun scoffs, immediately laughing afterwards. ‘Or, you chase the one you love, you get them if you’re lucky and then the two of you fight the world as a team. Wil chose to be part of a team. Being in a team sounds really good, if you ask me,’ she hums, looking at the two protagonists getting to know each other in Wil’s apartment.

‘Yeah?’ Joohyun looks up, curious of Seungwan’s reaction. The other looks back down, an indulgent smile on her lips.

‘Yeah.’ She affirms.

They look at each other for a longer moment, their faces only centimetres away and sharing a private joke that Joohyun is not sure even is one. But it feels good, to be whatever on Earth Joohyun has become lately, be comfortable about it and be accepted for it. The older girl does not remember the last time when she could say anything that was on her mind and not receive a scolding or a bewildered look for it. She needs such intimacy now, when it feels like the whole world is against her.

She eventually looks down, unable to take the tension. Still blushing deeply, he turns her attention back to the narrative.

‘Are you all right?’ Seungwan asks, linking their arms and intertwining their fingers, giving them a light squeeze.

‘I don’t know,’ Joohyun responds truthfully. She really does not. ‘I did know this would happen, though, sooner or later. When I decided to change and accept Sehun, I knew it was just a matter of time before Junmyeon would snap for this or that reason.’

‘I knew about Seulgi and Junmyeon having ,’ Seungwan admits in a tiny voice, albeit hesitantly. ‘Through Chanyeol.’

‘I guess I should not be surprised. I understand your friend’s motivation, but I don’t think taunting anyone would be worth it. I suppose I led Junmyeon into believing that it was fine to approach Seulgi like that. I didn’t understand when he confessed to me he liked her too much. It would have never crossed the mind of the old me that he could experience physical temptation of this kind. Back then, I was only focused on the spirit and making sure our souls didn’t end up in the place of eternal suffering.’

‘And now…?’

‘Now it’s probably too late.’ She lets out a small, sad looking smile.

‘Is that what you really think? You still believe that Sehun will go to hell?’ Seungwan strengthens up and Joohyun sits back up as well, facing her. It is clear that what Seungwan really means is, Do you think I will go to hell?

She takes a moment to answer the question.

‘I’m beginning to think it’s more complicated than that. All my life, I’d been told that those who question the faith are not true believers but are merely looking for an easy way out to fit their sins into the narrative of the church. But Sehun is a good person; there is no way that he isn’t a good person. He has never done any harm to anyone. I think… I think I can no longer believe in the same principles as I did before. I can no longer differentiate between the right and wrong kinds of love. Our church never opens our eyes to the beauty of those, they only ever quote the one right way. Everything seems so black and white and I’m beginning to see a lot of grey in between. So these days, I just pray that God gives me a sign. A sign that what I’m leaning towards is not merely selfish justification of my own sins and desires, but a premise to draw strength and encouragement from.’ She sighs sadly, before looking at Seungwan again. ‘Please don’t think I’m a bad person. Just… give me some time.’

‘I could never think that of you, you know that.’ The younger squeezes her hand one more time for emphasis.

Seeing Seungwan so earnest, Joohyun cannot help but go back to her conversation with Chanyeol Park. Don’t ing lead her on, he said right then, sitting on the floor and a can of beer in between his fingers. She likes you so much, she’s bloody nuts over you, in case you haven’t noticed. You don’t have to be gay for her, but if you’re going to be her friend, treat her right.

Joohyun cannot afford to ponder that comment when she is sitting on the bed with the other, holding hands and smiling at each other. All she knows is that two months ago, she would have laughed and taken Seungwan’s flirting as a cruel joke. Right now…

It is better not to thinking about the right now.

‘You and Chanyeol seem to be getting along well. Why did I not get the memo?’ Seungwan steers the conversation in another, more light hearted direction and the older is thankful for that.

‘You could say we just… bonded, one day.’ She decides to leave the thought open ended.

‘He’s had a rough patch lately, I was getting worried. We fell out over… stuff,’ she tactfully omits the parts that could put Joohyun in an awkward position. ‘Then he just withdrew and I felt he was avoiding me. Turns out there was something weird going on with Baekhyun Byun. He didn’t tell me much, though. I guess he had to work through that alone.’ The singer admits, taking a sip of her milk tea, already ready to move on and let go of the issue.

Joohyun nearly snorts, because boy, if Seungwan thinks that the problem has already been worked through then she has another thing coming. The will to ridicule leaves her soon enough, for she realises that if Seungwan’s description of her knowledge is indeed accurate, then Joohyun, might be in fact the only keeper of the secret that Chanyeol Park so thoughtlessly spilled that evening while mildly drunk.

And Joohyun Bae suddenly feels that she needs a drink herself.

A/N: Real-life Junmyeon Kim is the president of RV fan club, just try to remember that when you read this update. Also, please upvote if you liked. :)