181216 (Probably too late to be warning you since other chapters also dealt with some disturbing themes, but it might be triggering to you so please be careful)

‘Better not make a scene,’ Chanyeol Park murmurs before sighing deeply. ‘You two might wanna pick another day for your grand coming out.’

‘Is this a scene?’ Joohyun frowns, now regarding the boy in mild displeasure. It is certainly not up to him to decide how she handles her affairs. Especially not when it is so hard for her to commit to such an act.

‘Chanyeol is right. We didn’t plan it this way- scratch that, we didn’t plan it at all. Don’t be rush, not just out of spite for all those eyes out there,’ Seungwan agrees, looking at her girlfriend pleadingly. It is clear that today is not the best day for her, so Joohyun nods eventually but adds,

‘We can still walk together, can we not?’

Seungwan smiles.

‘The fact that you want to is already enough for me,’ she replies and the three of them make their way through the corridor, with the two girls not so accidentally brushing their shoulders against one another every now and then.

‘We will get there,’ Joohyun reassures once again when they part ways and Seungwan smiles. She really does want to believe that and she knows it is just a matter of time before they indeed do.

After her class, Joohyun takes her time to organise her notes and pack her belongings. Despite the early hour, she does not have any more lessons until after lunch. She is mentally preparing to go back to her room and finish her physics assignment but she is stopped short when the two boys standing near the entrance turn to her, beckoning her to come closer. The first one is Yixing Zhang, who as far as Joohyun is aware should be now headed to his Spanish Oral. The other, curiously enough, is Jongin Kim.

‘Is something the matter?’ Joohyun asks slowly, trying not to make any false move in front of the younger boy – she does not want to further aggravate him for no reason.

‘Yes, actually. Both of you are bloody idiots,’ Jongin announces, but he looks pained. Joohyun opens but no sounds leaves it. She is not even sure how she should respond to the random statement. ‘Do you know what these are?’ He lifts his hand, three small boxes coming into view. Joohyun blinks.

‘Medicine,’ she replies hesitantly.

‘Not just any medicine, Joohyun,’ Jongin continues, shaking his head. ‘It’s my own ing road to painless suicide. My own idea.’

‘W-What do you mean?’ Joohyun stutters, not expecting the answer. She involuntarily grips her books closer to her chest.

‘How often do you actually talk to Sehun?’

‘Every day,’ Joohyun replies firmly, tone now hardening at what she perceives as an accusation of negligence.

‘I told you, Joohyun, I told you that we need to do something. He’s not listening to me-‘ Yixing Zhang chooses that moment to join in but he is quickly shot down by the other boy in their circle.

‘Do you really expect him to? If he’s over his head to this degree, your concerns are nothing but white noise to him at this point.’ Before Joohyun has the mind to form an appropriate response, he adds. ‘You can’t be going around suggesting things – now you have to be reinforcing them, for his own good.’

‘Where did you find those?’ Joohyun her lips apprehensively, still looking at the pills.

‘I simply did what you two cowards couldn’t bring yourselves to. I took Sehun’s key and went down to his room to search through all his possessions. Thoroughly,’ he adds more forcefully.

‘He’s in my room,’ Yixing explains hastily. ‘You know how he’s been since Christmas… Last night was kinda rough and this morning he said he was gonna skip the morning grind but I got worried so I asked Jongin to watch him, since he doesn’t have class until ten.’

‘He was still sleeping when I left him, checked again before I left the building.’ He looks at the two carefully before turning to Joohyun. ‘But you better go and take care of him.’

The girl exhales deeply before addressing the elephant in the room.

‘What do you mean, it was your idea?’ She lowers her voice, afraid to hear the answer. Jongin looks almost reluctant to elaborate but he eventually sighs.

‘I was gonna kill myself with Toradol. Sehun knew, and he knew how. We were both thinking about it before, you know. He had all this emotional baggage that he couldn’t shake off and I kept thinking that my existence was just a burden to everyone.’ Joohyun stands there, as if paralysed, her breathing shallow and her eyes averted. ‘Why do you think it was my first instinct to go through his things? I see the signs where there are ones. Wanting a new job? Random bursts of energy? Happiness for no reason? Please.’ Jongin scoffs, as if personally offended. ‘That ing wanker has already made up his mind and here’s your proof.’

He s the medicine into Joohyun’s stiff hands while her mind reels. Why did she never consider this...? Not even when Seungwan told her about her own depressive episodes. Nothing was ever the same after that summer, and Sehun was never the same. She should have known, she should have-

‘Now’s not the time to be crying, princess.’ At Jongin’s sombre words, Joohyun wipes at the glossy eyes before they could turn into tears. ‘Now’s the time for you to grab your brother by the guts and shake some sense into him. I told you before – you ed me up so bad, I don’t even wanna look at you so don’t you dare ask for forgiveness. But that bloody brat, that… that ing tosser will not die on my watch. I’ll drag his ing homo arse back from the hell itself if I have to.’

Jongin Kim has never been the type to cuss or overreact. Joohyun has always known him as the sweet boy next door, Sehun’s best friend, always seated somewhere in their family’s vicinity in their church. Even the boy that Joohyun’s mother was thinking of inviting for dinner more often once her daughter become of age.

So even though that boy is no longer her friend, no longer her reality, she recognises him for what he is.

Terrified out of his mind for Sehun. Like Joohyun is.

A text from Joohyun in the middle of Seungwan’s class is a bit strange, alarming even but the younger girl tries not to jump to conclusions. Joohyun cannot make it to lunch but promises to meet her as soon as she can. She needs to talk to Sehun, that is why.

‘What’s going on with Sehun?’ Seungwan mouths to Chanyeol who is busy silently beating out the rhythm stuck in his head. Anything is more interesting that Ancient Civilisations.

‘Dunno,’ he shrugs. ‘He was fine when I saw him yesterday. You know he doesn’t sleep in our room at all.’

It’s not that either has abandoned their friend but after Christmas things have changed for all of them and Seungwan was focused on Joohyun while Chanyeol was surely reliving his drama with Baekhyun Byun. They still eat lunch together, make sure everyone is included in all the inside jokes but their attention naturally disperses. Sehun and Yixing seem to be doing fine too, so Seungwan has never probed.

They admittedly haven’t seen him since morning, but that is also quite normal – most of the time they are separated from Sehun and Tao, as the other two follow an advanced science curriculum.

‘Joohyun says she needs to talk to him. I mean, Yixing did mention once that Sehun isn’t sleeping well at night but-‘

‘Anything interesting that you’d like to share with the class, Miss Son?’ Their teacher asks loudly from the front of the class.

Seungwan becomes silent after the repriment, to avoid any more embarrassment.

She decides to check up on Joohyun after her own classes and just before lunch, in case the older girl has returned to their dormitory. She meets Joy Park at the door.

‘Oh, Seungwan, thank goodness. Let me in, will you,’ she points to the magnetic entrance.

‘Where’s your student ID?’ The twelfth grader frowns, nonetheless dutifully swapping the card to grant them both entry.

‘Lost it somewhere in the morning, I think during breakfast. So annoying.’ Joy’s poker face is impassive as ever. ‘I’m on my way to check the hall before my new classes but I don’t know. It’s just a rough guess.’ The older girl finally lets them through. ‘Anyway, cheers. As always, you’re my favourite lesbian.’

‘I’m the only lesbian you know,’ Seungwan deadpans at the random comment.

‘Or are you?’ Joy looks at her snidely and the older girl reddens because Joy Park definitely does know about her and Joohyun – after all, she basically set them up. Or tried to, it was just neither Joohyun nor Seungwan actually got her hints back then.     

‘Do you need some help?’ Seungwan clears loudly, steering away from the topic.

‘I’m good. I don’t have high expectations anyway. I’ll probably need to file for another one, but it’s a total pain in the arse. It’s like the administration has to personally craft it or something, it takes that long.’

Joy Park has not changed – Seungwan does not really expect her to, to be honest. They attend two different school and have two different circles of friends, if Joy’s only friend Yerim can even be called that. From the beginning, they were randomly assigned as roommates, had not even known each other before that. So technically, the two do not have anything in common. But now, looking at Joy’s retreating back, the older girl remembers the outburst that she witnessed some months ago. Do you ever wonder why I’m always by myself?

They’re about to part ways near the stairs when Seungwan calls for her, surprising even herself.

‘Hey, Joy.’ The younger turns around, eyes wide. ‘What have you been up to?’ She realises that she has never, in the whole time she has known Joy Park, seriously asked this question. Not even when they lived together. And maybe it is too late now – but maybe it is not.

Joy’s face lights up and she gives her former roommate a big grin.

‘If I told you, I’d have to kill you,’ she announces cheekily, waving her good bye.

Seungwan just stands there, chucking to herself. She makes a mental note to check up on the middle schooler more often.

Joohyun asks Yixing to let her into the boys’ dormitory, explaining to the reception that she is there to see her brother. Yixing wants to come with but the girl thinks it is something that she needs to see through by herself, at least on her end. She is sure that the two boys will have their own issues to explain and talk about between them, which she probably should not even be part of.

She stills with her hand just above the handle, taking a deep breath and bracing herself for the confrontation. This is what she wanted, is it not? She wanted to be there for Sehun. Not only when it is good but most importantly, when it is bad. She will once again put on the brave face in front of the younger, even though she herself is scared. Moreover, she will have to be firm and sure about their future from now on, which is the one thing that she has not done until now, believing that Sehun should follow his own judgement, having been forced to do so many things he did not like or agree with in the past.

Except that her brother seems to be in no position to be responsible for himself any more.

When she enters the room, Sehun is awake. He does not even look particularly surprised at the sight of his sister. He regards her for a few moments from where he is seated at the bed, legs curled close to his chest before turning away to look through the window again. He has a lot on his mind today.

‘Can we talk?’ Joohyun braves, taking a step forward. She drops her books onto the nearest desk and takes a seat close to him.

‘Of course, what about?’ He then tries to give her his full attention, blinking the sleep away. It is nearing midday but the boy seems nowhere near ready to face the world. ‘I didn’t feel well this morning,’ he hastily justifies his dishevelled appearance, adjusting the covers to make more room.

Joohyun does not even react to his explanation, too focused on the real purpose of their conversation.  She slowly takes out the pills from the pocket of her school coat.

‘About these.’

Sehun’s reaction is not what Joohyun expected but then again, she does not know what it was that she did expect. He swallows hard when he recognises them, his mouth twitching lightly before he briefly looks at his sister and then averts his gaze, looking at his hands, now balled into bony fists. He does not ask how she got them – they both know it is not important.

‘Before… before I asked you if you wanted to see a doctor, maybe somebody who can help you get through the issues that are building up but you said no, and I respected that because I decided to trust your judgement. I thought- I thought that I was doing the right thing by simply standing by your side and letting you decide what you want. I thought you needed that after all those years of people telling you what to do.’

Sehun does not move, merely breathes shallowly and awaits further comments.

‘I still don’t know what’s best for you, I’ve never had to deal with anything like this before but I do know what is not good for you. So even if you hate me, from now on you’ll do what I tell you to.’ Joohyun keeps her voice from trembling. ‘You’ll go to your counselling, we’ll find a suitable place. You’ll move back to Chanyeol’s room. I don’t mind you spending time with Yixing but you need to spend- No, I will need more people watching you, in case you get any ideas again.’ She sees no point beating around the bush. ‘If there is even a smallest change, a tiniest shift to your mood, you’ll tell me and I’ll do what I can to make it go away.’

It is a foolish promise, she knows, one that sounds desperate and childish but it is the only solution she is capable of coming up with to reassure her brother. It does not start simply because one is lonely and does not go away once in a company. But even so, it is easier to generalise, to try and contain the malice paralysing Sehun’s mind this way, rather than leaving him alone with his thoughts.

Neither is looking at the other right now, both trying to process the turn of their conversation. Joohyun does not know what to do, so she can only do it blindly, as she thinks will be best. Never leaving Sehun by himself is currently the top priority.    

Eventually, the boy looks up and says,

‘Aren’t you tired of me?’ The simple question, voiced in a whisper cuts through the fast speed of her reasoning.

‘Tired of you?’ She echoes, taken aback.

‘Because I am. Tired. Ah, I am so tired.’ He looks away to the window again. When the girl thinks that he will not say anything else, he continues. ‘You, Yixing, all my friends. Always watching me, always worrying about me. Aren’t you tired of me? Wouldn’t you like me to just disappear so you can be happy again?’

Joohyun looks at Sehun is disbelief. Her lips are moving but no words are coming out. What is Sehun even saying? Happy?

‘Do you really believe that this would make me happy..?’ Her voice is hoarse as she tries to stabilise it. ‘You, not being here anymore?’

‘I just think that all your problems would disappear if I weren’t here anymore,’ he shrugs, looking small and defeated.

‘You’re wrong,’ Joohyun replies quickly with a tight throat. She is close to tears. ‘It wouldn’t solve any of them.’

She wants to lecture him, to chastise him perhaps but she knows better now. She has heard Seungwan talk about her own situation and she understands that it is not as simple as encouraging somebody to make more effort or worse, triggering even more guilt by explaining to them how the act would devastate everyone else around them. Joohyun is trying to balance her response, to not show her frustration and horror at the development.

Sehun takes a deep breath, bringing his knees closer and putting his cheek on top of them.

‘I thought I was getting better but it came back, Joohyun. It’s not like I want it to happen to me, I thought it has finally left me when I couldn’t feel it for so long but ever since November, it came back. It never really left, after all, it was just hidden away. I don’t want it, but it’s just there. All the time.’

‘What is?’ Joohyun asks helplessly, reaching for his hand. He brings the other palm to his chest, massaging it lightly as if trying to rid himself of the pressure there.

‘The void… I guess.’

Joohyun loses it right there, hiding her face in her hands and beginning to sob softly. How to be strong after this, when she knows she herself has so many unresolved doubts clouding her judgement. Where to find the strength to carry herself and him also.

But it does not mean that she will not try until the end, even if they both eventually collapse.

They sit in silence for a moment and then it occurs to Joohyun that there is a place to start, a small place where they can pick up from. She can start by saying the one thing that she has never said, not even in the last six months when she was trying to make amends with him and with everyone. All of this - her mind set, her attitude – began changing because of Sehun and yet, he has never heard the one thing that should have been obvious, and one that he deserved to hear the most all along.

She scoots closer once again, nearly falling over him when she brings him closer, hugging him with all her might. Even though Sehun has already become so tall, he still felt like a little kid in her arms.

‘I love you too, Sehun. I love you so much,’ she chokes back another sob and his breath hitches, not expecting the intimate words. ‘I love you and I am so, so sorry.’

‘I’ll ask my dad if he can recommend anyone around here. Maybe he can help, he meets all sorts of head and body doctors at those conferences all year long,’ Chanyeol Park announces immediately and for once, Joohyun is grateful.

The last thing she wants is for Sehun to feel that all his friends are pitying and tiptoeing around him but she needs not worry. Sehun’s roommate does not wait for more encouragement before he starts planning his whole next few months around Sehun’s well-being. He goes as far as suggesting a psychologist in town and it honestly brings relief because she does not have the slightest idea where to begin with that, and somehow trusting the Parks who has treated her so well feels more reasonable than confessing everything to the school authorities.

‘You knew,’ she looks at him again and he nods.

‘Of course I knew, although it wasn’t a walk in the park to get him to tell me what actually happened to cause this mess. I hated you so much, you and Junmyeon both,’ Chanyeol admits, no more malice in his voice. ‘When we first met, he was just so fragile looking and quiet, and then the next year he came back to school and looked like an even more hollow shell of himself… I just needed to know what happened to him.’ He shrugs. ‘But I was also a moron, I mean. I still hate Junmyeon’s guts – that one’s a real number – but when you think about it, both of you were just a minor thorn in Sehun’s side. You’ve changed and your twin went away… But even without you meddling, your family would have ed him up one way or another. Because even without you there, he’d’ve still been the same self.’

‘I’m slowly beginning to accept that these things take time,’ Joohyun replies, squeezing Seungwan’s hand over the table absentmindedly. The three of them are seated in the canteen, which has always doubled as students’ common area outside of lunch time. ‘Myself, Sehun… All those problems will not just go away. We’ll just have to face them day by day, but I suppose that’s alright too. Because it’s not only the bad things.’

‘I sure hope so,’ Chanyeol jokes and the two girls smile at him. ‘You know, it’s gonna be fine one way or another. It’s not just you and him, it’s Yixing too, and all of us so we won’t let you drown.’  

‘I told him about you and I,’ Joohyun changes the topic, unable to bring herself to look at Seungwan properly, lest she blushes. She only squeezes the other girl’s palm again. ‘He didn’t seem particularly surprised. He said he expected it to happen, after we started bonding more.’

‘I’m glad he knows,’ Seungwan replies with a smile.

‘He also knows about you and Baekhyun,’ Joohyun prompts, looking at the boy seated across from her. ‘Says you guys should stop sneaking around corners.’

‘Hey, I’m out and proud,’ Chanyeol retaliates playfully. ‘It’s him who is still trying to take it slow, whatever that means.’

‘Wait, you know about Baekhyun?’ Seungwan frowns in surprise, looking at her girlfriend. Joohyun exchanges a brief look with the younger boy, before clearing .

‘I believe I was the first one to know about him,’ she replies, almost apologetically. That has Seungwan shoot back at Chanyeol.

‘So Joohyun has known all along but you still told me to not tell her?! It was killing me inside.’

‘Technically, I never said you couldn’t tell her? But it’s good to know you can still keep a secret,’ Chanyeol defends himself, trying to move away from the grabby hands meaning to accost him in a rather violent manner.

‘It was that night when you and Joy Park fell asleep, we were watching a movie,’ Joohyun further supplies.

‘Yeah, it was a spur of a moment, really. I was ing distraught and I didn’t like how she treated you so I gave her a piece of my mind.’

‘Chanyeol!’ Seungwan hisses, her turn to blush. They are all different people now, and it feels like forever ago but just the reminder makes her mildly uncomfortable. ‘So you guys went from talking about me to talking about Baekhyun?’

‘I wouldn’t call it a conversation,’ Joohyun corrects. ‘He was talking and I was sitting there, wishing to be anywhere else.’

‘I was a little too tipsy, and I just needed to vent. I didn’t think she would care, I was actually setting myself up for a lecture, somebody to shake some sense into me. But you didn’t say anything.’ He looks at the older girl, mildly impressed.

‘Like you said, I didn’t care about your business, Chanyeol Park,’ Joohyun responds with his own words but her eyes are warm.

‘I don’t think so,’ he rejects her explanation. ‘You did care. Maybe not about me, but you did care about my problem because you have a similar one.’

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘You’ve had a crush on Seungwan long before you realised,’ Chanyeol has the audacity to snicker. ‘When you didn’t say anything, when you didn’t judge me – that’s when I knew that I could maybe trust you. You never had a problem sneering at us before so I figured that something must have changed.’

‘I-‘ Joohyun does not know how to react to that. She honestly does not know when Seungwan Son became so real to her. She lowers her head, slowly nodding as if to try and wrap her head around the events.

‘That’s all water under the bridge now, though. We’re cool, Bae, aren’t we?’ Chanyeol grins and extend a fist for her to bump with her own, which she does after a moment of hesitation. She smiles.

‘I think we are.’ She then looks at Seungwan. ‘My brother is still so terrified of his feelings despite having them for so long, and I understand where this is coming from. But I also think that somebody has to show him that it’s all alright, and that this somebody might as well be me.’

She stands up and extends her hand towards Seungwan. The other girl stands up as well, looking at the offering.

‘Are you sure that this is the right time to be doing this? I know you’re trying to prove something to Sehun-‘

‘I’m not trying to prove anything to him. This is about you and I. And,’ she looks at her girlfriend seriously. ‘There will never be the right time to do something like that, it’s just going to hold us back forever otherwise. I’m scared, Seungwan, I really am. But I think, I am not alone in this relationship and no matter what happens between us in the future, being with you – here, right now - is not something that I will regret or be ashamed of. I’ll only ever be thankful to you. So once I’ve realised this, there was nothing more stopping me.’

She grabs her hand and they both look at their intertwined fingers.

‘So let me take you to your class now, and let’s go to my parents’ house on Sunday. I have one more thing to do before I can stop looking back.’

A/N: I think you guys can sense what's coming but there is still a little bit left. Thank you a always for being here, please comment / upvote if you liked.

(Overdose of Toradol will only result in heavy neusea and stomach pains, not loss of life. I didn't put the name of any real poison, just in case anyone had ideas.)