SEULGI

She jumped up from the couch the moment she heard the keys jingle in the door. “How’d it go?” she asked impatiently. She was practically hopping with anticipation.

“I think I kicked ,” Joy said in a tone that gave no indication as to whether or not she was pleased about the fact.

Seulgi let out something that sounded like a shriek and hugged Joy. “I knew you’d rock it.”

Joy hugged her back, and then said, “I don’t think I’m going to get it.”

Seulgi’s elation gave way to confusion. “But why?”

Joy hung her leather jacket on the rack by the door. “I’ve got no experience, no agent, nothing to show for myself except a few lousy plays that no one’s ever heard of.”

“Yeah, but if you were good...”

Joy sighed. “It doesn’t work that way. Trust me; I’ve got no delusions about this role. Not after seeing the sort of people they were auditioning. On the plus side, I got a bunch of autographs.”

Seulgi wasn’t sure what to say. She’d expected the situation to be a little more black and white than this.

Joy had moved into the living room, and she followed. “Oh so guess who was in the room I auditioned in?”

“Who?”

“Your future boss.” 

“And again I say, who?”

Joy smirked. “Kim Jisoo. Crazy, isn’t it? First she shows up at your art thing. Then she randomly follows you into the men’s room and offers you a job. And now I get called in to audition for her movie.” She paused to consider. “Do you think she’s stalking us?”

“It was outside the men’s room, not... never mind.” Seulgi sat down on the couch.

“What are you watching?” Joy asked, noticing for the first time that the TV was on. She sat down next to her.

Seulgi smiled. “Guardian.”

Joy laughed. “I don’t believe you. Really? You hate that show.”

Seulgi shrugged. “There was nothing else on.” She watched Kim Jisoo on her TV screen for a moment. “Maybe she is stalking us.”

“I got to read lines with Jennie Ruby,” Joy said suddenly. “Holy . That just hit me.” 

“Who’s that again?”

Joy ignored the question. “She was like, this close to me.” She stood up and came to stand in front of Seulgi. “We breathed the same air. She... talked to me. Jennie Ruby, Seul!” 

“Still don’t know who that is, but it all sounds very exciting.”

Joy sat down again. “It would’ve been so nice to get that role,” she said, sounding depressed. “I mean, jeez, Kim Jisoo’s the lead. How insane is that?” She pointed to the screen. “I could’ve been acting with her. Hell, you’re going to be decorating her apartment, that’s even crazier.”

“I’m sure she’s forgotten all about it,” Seulgi said, because she couldn’t help but think that it was true.

Joy sighed. “I really hope this wasn’t the highlight of our year.” 

“Well this year is almost over.”

“That’s true,” Joy said. “I suppose it’s okay if it’s the highlight of our year then. Speaking of, are we doing Christmas at your parents’?”

“I guess. It’s going to be so weird without Chanyeol there.”

“But so nice without Sehun there,” Joy added with a grin. “Maybe we can do New Year’s with Chanyeol. I’ve been dying to meet Baekhyun. We can throw a party here.”

The thought of spending New Year’s with her favorite people made Seulgi smile. “I think that’d be wonderful.”

Joy turned off the TV. “Let’s go buy a Christmas tree.” 

“Now?”

“Yeah, all the pretty ones will be taken. We’ll take the ugliest one we can find and make it all pretty.”

Seulgi giggled. “Let’s get two. We’ll both decorate one and Baekhyun and Chanyeol can judge the best makeover.”

“Oh you’re so going to lose.” Joy jumped up. “Let’s go!”

She smiled and followed Joy. For the moment, she forgot all about Kim Jisoo and the job offer that might never be.

***

JISOO

Jackson was sitting in her hotel room when Jisoo walked in, and she paused at the sight of him sprawled on her bed watching TV. Then she closed the door. “What are you doing here?”

“And hello to you, too, my dear best friend,” replied Jackson, shutting off the TV with the remote.

“How’d you even get in?”

“I smiled at the maid, and she let me in.”

“That’s it? You smiled?”

“You can’t tell, Jisoo, because you’re a lesbian, but I’m actually ridiculously handsome.”

Jisoo smiled and removed her coat. “Damn these lesbian eyes that make you look like a two-headed troll.” She hung her coat in the closet. “Where’s Rosé?”

“Sleeping. She always takes a nap after .”

“Thanks for the tip. And back to my original question, what are you doing here?”

“Waiting for you.”

Jisoo sighed. “You know if anyone saw you sneak in here they’re going to think we’re having an affair.”

Jackson shrugged. “So let them. Tell me about your date with Jennie.”

Jisoo frowned at him. “How could you possibly know about that?”

“One of your fan blogs has pictures of you at Gray’s Papaya. There’s a very cute one of you and Jennie, each holding a hotdog, getting into a limo. Very New York of you.” He stretched out on the bed. “So, tell me the juicy bits. Skip to the part where you undress each other slowly.”

She sat on the couch and regarded him for a long time. “I was hoping the outing would slip under the radar.”

“You’re always on the radar.”

“So it seems.” She signed again and kicked off her boots. “I told her that she terrified me and that I was a .” She shook her head and let it fall against the back of the couch. “I’m a disaster with women.”

“You’re honest. I bet it’s refreshing for her. Plus, I’m sure the whole thing has her all intrigued.”

“Or turned off.”

“Who wouldn’t want to be the first to get into Kim Jisoo’s pants? You could totally make a reality show about it.”

“I think that’s the most depressing thing you’ve ever said to me.” 

“I could try harder.”

“Shouldn’t you get back to Rosé?” 

“She’ll be fine. Tell me about Jennie.”

Jisoo stared at the ceiling. “She’s funny. She’s smart. She’s talented. She’s a shopping list of perfect qualities.”

“And she’s hot.”

“And she’s hot,” Jisoo agreed. 

“But?”

Jisoo thought of the way she’d felt when she’d first seen Seulgi at the gallery, and then again at the theater. She thought of the voice at the other end of the phone line and the way her stomach fluttered whenever the name Kang Seulgi appeared in her inbox. She didn’t want this for herself. She didn’t want to be the sort of person who yearned for the unattainable. “I think I’m going to see where things go. If she wants things to go somewhere, I mean. I don’t even know how she feels.” She stopped to consider. “Though she did invite me skiing with her and her friends for Christmas.”

“And what’d you say?”

“I said no.”

“Off to a good start.”

Jisoo shrugged. Then she smiled. “I feel like I should be paying you $300 an hour for this conversation.”

“I’ve upped my fee to $400; which reminds me, you have several outstanding bills.”

“Take it up with my accountant.”

Jackson sat up and came to join her on the couch. He patted her knee. “So what else is new?”

Jisoo knew he was asking about Seulgi without asking about Seulgi, but she didn’t know if she wanted to tell him that she’d stalked Seulgi in the theater and then asked her to paint the art that would go into her future apartment. It all seemed ludicrous; like an elaborate daydream gone too far.

“Rosé told me that she was at that thing you went to with Jennie...” She looked at him. 

“Of course she did. What else did she tell you?” 

“Was there more to tell?”

She hesitated but finally gave in to the desire to talk about it. “I followed her. Well, I saw her leave so I went to find her. And I found her. And I asked her to paint for me. I asked if she would please look at my new apartment once I got it and decorate its walls with her art.”

Jackson was silent for a long time. Then he said, “Seriously?” 

“I know it’s crazy...”

“They say love is crazy.”

“I’m not in love.”

“How would you know what you are? You’re dating your director while pining for your Internet penpal who thinks you’re someone else.”

“Pining? I’m not pining. And I’m not in love. I’ll admit to a crush. A small one.” 

“Okay.”

Impatient to switch the focus of the conversation, she said, “Did I mention her best friend might end up in my movie?”

Jackson brightened. “The hot redhead?” 

“The very one.”

“Interesting.”

“That’s not what you’re supposed to say.” 

“What am I supposed to say?”

Jisoo sighed. “I don’t know. Something clichéd and untrue like ‘everything’s going to be fine.’”

Jackson shrugged. “I’m just a guy. My job is to point out hot women and encourage you to get laid.”

“Great.”

“Speaking of which, you should sleep with Jennie. In a romantic cabin somewhere. On Christmas day. An makes a great gift.”

“So, you think I should go skiing with her?”

“Is that what they’re calling it now? Fine. Yes. Go ‘skiing’ with her.”

Jisoo smiled. “Go spoon your girlfriend or something. Our hour is up.”

Jackson grinned and stood up. “I’ll leave you to your brooding, then. But before I go, ask me what I think.”

Jisoo looked up at him, anxious for him to go but also dreading the silence that would follow. “What do you think, Wise Jackson?”

“I think that if it’s Seulgi that you want, it’s Seulgi you should go for.”

“She’s straight.”

Jackson smiled. “So, blindfold her and go down on her, she’d never know the difference.”

“Okay! And that’s your cue to leave.” Jisoo started pushing him toward the door. “Goodbye, Jackson.” He left willingly, winking slyly at her as the door closed in his face.

*****

Dear Seulgi, Jisoo typed, as her plane floated thousands of miles in the air. Somewhere nearby Jackson and Rosé sat, talking quietly amongst themselves in that private way that made Jisoo feel left out. But she didn’t really mind. Not at that moment. She was content to just sit, and type, and not think for once; to ignore her worries and fears and guilt, and simply be.

The plane shook suddenly, and Jisoo thought of Jennie and her fear of flying. She smiled briefly and looked outside. The clouds stretched out endlessly against a light blue sky. The plane shook again and the captain’s voice filled the air, apologetic but confident that everything was fine.

The one flight attendant on duty came to Jisoo’s side and offered to refill her drink. Jisoo nodded and thanked her. With nothing else to distract her, she returned to the email she’d begun.

So, you wanted to hear about my date. I think it went fine. The play we saw was wonderful. Dinner was unconventional but interesting. And then in the car she admitted that I made her nervous because she didn’t know what I was thinking, and I admitted that she made me nervous because I’m a complete novice in the ways of love and dating and women and that I wasn’t sure if I wanted it to be a date because... just because. But she just kind of smiled and said to let her know when I’d made up my mind one way or the other.

The evening ended with a half-wave type of thing and no plans for an encore.

But yesterday I saw her and I think I implied that the other night was a date – and then I kind of left her standing there, looking surprised and confused. She invited me to a party and I said no. She invited me skiing with her and her friends for Christmas and I said no. I’m sure I must be the queen of mixed signals.

What about you? How are you? How’s Joy? How’s the art? Are the holidays stressing you out? Are you one of those people that does all of the shopping back in September or do you wait until the last minute (like me)? Do you celebrate Christmas or something else? I never thought to ask.

I’m cooking dinner for my friends on Christmas Eve. My family’s in Paris until January so Christmas Day should be a pretty solo affair. I haven’t even bought a Christmas tree yet.

Anyway, I’ve been meaning to ask: what’s your favorite book? Assuming you like to read and that you have a favorite book. I have too many to list but the first that comes to mind is The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver. Have you read it? Actually, anything of hers is wonderful.

Hm. And now I think I’m out of things to randomly ask you. Actually, here’s one more: do you like hotdogs?

Your friend, Sooya.

***

SEULGI

Seulgi yawned into her sleeve as she waited for the laptop to boot up. She glanced around the coffee shop and squinted across the room at the menu pinned to the wall, written in faux colored chalk and perfectly aligned lettering. She couldn’t see a thing.

Joy appeared suddenly behind the counter, her red hair pinned back into a high pony tail which swayed from side to side as she walked over. “Wasn’t expecting you so early,” she said by way of greeting.

Seulgi nodded absently. She wasn’t quite sure what she was doing there at ten o’clock in the morning when she knew perfectly well that Joy didn’t get off until four-thirty. But the alarm had unexpectedly gone off at eight and she had been unable to get back to sleep because the television next door had been cranked to the highest volume setting and she’d been forced to listen to the high-pitched squealing of cartoons until even the pillow over her head couldn’t muffle out the sound. Then the Internet connection had crashed, and the cable had gone out, and the apartment had practically pushed her out the door with the threat of eternal boredom should she remain. But none of this seemed important right then. “What’s your strongest coffee?”

Joy raised her eyebrows. Then her lips parted into a cryptic smile. “We call it ‘the Eye- Opening--Kicker’. Want one?”

Seulgi briefly wondered if that’s what it was written under on the menu. “Sure, why not?”

“Coming right up!”

Seulgi waited until Joy had disappeared behind the counter again and turned her attention to the computer screen. Her email loaded and she sighed at her father’s name on the list. She’d been a bad daughter of late. Her father’s emails had gone unanswered for weeks, and still she couldn’t bring herself to email.

She felt guilty, especially now, only a few days before Christmas. She should at least send him an e-card if not a real card. It was the least she could do. But not today. Today she was tired and grumpy and not at all looking forward to last minute Christmas shopping with Joy.

She skipped instead to Sooya’s latest email and read it over, slowly this time, because she was too tired to read it fast. The words made her smile, and lifted her spirits in away that not even the ‘Eye-Opening--Kicker’ managed to do – though it did wake her up slightly.

Dear Sooya.

I’m glad that your date went well, though it sounds like you, my friend, are a tease. :) No matter. I’m sure that our esteemed Saucy Fipbic finds your mixed signals appealing and that you’re well on your way to become the future Mrs. Fipbic. I hope I’ll be invited to the ceremony. ;)

Life, on my end, has returned to its normal, boring self. Joy had her audition but hasn’t heard back one way or the other, and nothing of consequence has happened to me. I will note, however, that it’s entirely possible that Kim Jisoo is stalking Joy and I, as she happened to be present at Joy’s audition. Coincidence, you say? Hah!

Okay, well, maybe.

Anyway, my favorite book. Hm. It’s actually been a while since I sat down to read anything that wasn’t on a syllabus. And I suppose it’d be kind of predictable if I said Harry Potter but I admit to being a big fan of the series. I’d ask if you’d read it but I figure you have. For a while I was really into the Terry Pratchett Discworld series. Have you read that? I’ve been meaning to get back to it but I forgot where I left off.

I haven’t read The Poisonwood Bible. Maybe I will. :)

Hotdogs. What a terribly random food item to ask me about. Here’s where I confess to being a vegetarian at the risk of being mocked and ridiculed. Though you’re from L.A. so I doubt it’s terribly shocking. In my culture I might as well say I’ve given up eating altogether, for all the fuss it’s created.

Here’s where I ask you some totally random questions in return then, isn’t it? Okay. Let’s see.

Do you like... cashews?

What color is your toilet paper?

Which reminds me, I never really answered your question about my rather strange penchant for collecting toilet paper squares. It started as an art idea, I think. I thought it’d be cool to create a collage of toilet paper from every bathroom I’d ever been to. I’d even take a pen and write down the date and place I’d gotten the paper from. But, eventually, I started to forget to do it until I stopped completely.

Public bathrooms were a little tricky because of the lack of a pre-cut square (in most), and they’d always use that same generic type of paper so I kind of gave up on those after a while. I still have a shoebox filled with them somewhere in case that collage idea comes back to me.

You must think me terribly odd.

Anyway, today I’m going Christmas shopping with Joy, which should answer two of your questions. I am definitely not the type of person that shops early. In fact, if left up to me, I’d probably shop on Christmas Eve.

What’s on your wish list this year? :)

Your friend, Seulgi

***

JISOO

“She thinks I’m stalking her,” Jisoo said into the phone.

Jackson’s voice sounded groggy and full of sleep. “It might be the fact that you are. And what the hell time is it?”

Jisoo glanced at the time. It was six a.m. “Sorry, I thought you might be up.”

“Who’s calling at this hour?” came Rosé’s voice. She sounded annoyed. Then her voice was closer. “Uh... hello?”

“Hey, it’s me.”

“Jisoo?” There was a pause. “Are you dead?”

“No. I don’t think I am. But since you’re awake, tell me something. Say someone thought you were stalking them, how would you... unstalk them?”

There was a muffled sound and then the phone went dead.

“Hello?” Jisoo said. She frowned. “Guess they’re not morning people.” She tossed the phone back on her bed and regarded the computer. She read Seulgi’s email over again. Seulgi had been joking about the stalking, she knew, but the fact that she’d thought of it in those terms bugged Jisoo. It wasn’t her fault that Jennie dragged her to the same place Joy was auditioning. The rest... well, she had to admit the rest was mostly her fault.

She sighed and pulled the laptop closer. 

Dear Seulgi, .

A tease? Hm. I’d never thought of myself that way before. You think she thinks of me that way?

I don’t know about this “future Mrs. Fipbic” business, though. I think all of the mixed signals are caused by the simple fact that I’m uncertain as to whether I like her or I just want to like her because I think I should.

The fact is that she’s beautiful and smart and talented and as far as I can tell, nice and sweet and thoughtful. She’s a Unicorn. She’s a mythical creature, possessing all of those amazingly perfect qualities that make you think, “Well, she can’t possibly be real.” Only she’s real and potentially interested in me and it turns out that maybe I don’t want a Unicorn. Maybe I want a perfectly ordinary horse. Or... perhaps I’m after a totally different mythical creature. Like... a siren. Or a... fairy. Well, I digress. Do you see what I’m saying, though? Good. Explain it back to me.

So you’re a vegetarian. Gasp! Shock! [insert outraged rampage] /sarcasm

I was actually a vegetarian for about a year. But then I wasn’t anymore. I do love veggie burgers though. I have a wonderful recipe for them if you want it.

Your toilet paper story made me laugh. I do think you rather odd. But in a good way.

My toilet paper is white. Would you like a square? :)

And I do like cashews. I prefer peanuts though.

And here’s where I confess something you might not actually believe: I’ve never read Harry Potter. I know, I know. I just ... haven’t. Maybe I will finally get around to it. The Discworld series, though, I love. Have you read anything by Douglas Adams? The whole Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is wonderfully funny. I was actually talking about it with Ms. Fipbic the other day.

I can’t believe you have me calling her that. My friend Rosé nicknamed her ‘Neo’ for reasons that elude me.

Oh, you asked about my wish list. Hm. None of the things I really want are material. I think I just want to find my mythical creature. No, let me amend that: I want to figure out what it is I want.

Christmas is in two days. This year has gone fast. What’s on your wish list?

Your friend, Sooya.

****

SEULGI

It snowed heavily and steadily on Christmas Eve, ruining plans across New York City. The snow continued to fall even hours after her mom had phoned to say the food would keep until the next day and not to bother setting out. Seulgi had been secretly relieved. She was content to sit in her bedroom, watching as the normally bleak and dreary world outside her window disappeared beneath mountains of white.

Across the street, her neighbor obsessively shoveled snow off his stoop, only to have it accumulate again moments later. Seulgi stared, fascinated by the sight of the old man in the big blue coat struggling against the inevitable.

She smiled and hugged the blanket around her shoulders tightly, trying to get warm. She was grateful for the snow; grateful that she was home, instead of out there; grateful for the simple things. She thought of Sehun for the first time in a long time and wondered how he was. Was he happy? Was he well? The questions drifted in and out of her mind without answers and she found she didn’t care.

Joy knocked once and then opened the door without waiting. She walked in, wearing a Santa hat and Christmas tree earrings that jingled as she walked. 

“I made you some hot chocolate.” Joy held up a mug of steaming liquid and offered it to her.

She accepted the mug without hesitation. “That sounds heavenly, thanks.” 

“Yeah, I added some miniature marshmallows,” Joy continued. “Oh and rum.”

Seulgi paused with the mug at her lips. She slowly brought it back down. “Sorry, did you say rum?”

“Yeah I found the recipe online. I thought it’d give it a nice kick.” Seulgi frowned briefly but didn’t want to offend Joy.

“Also, there might be a carrot in there...”

“A carrot?”

“Yeah, it was an accident. I think I got it out, though. Mostly.” Seulgi put the mug down on her nightstand. “Thanks...”

“No problem. So, what do you want to watch first tonight? We’ve got the classics: A Christmas Story, A Christmas Carol, the 1951 version, of course, not the other posers, It’s A Wonderful Life, and Miracle on 34th Street. I’ve also made enough popcorn to last at least three movies. So, whenever you’re ready...”

Seulgi bit her lip. “Actually, can I have a few minutes? I’ve been meaning to email my dad to wish him a Merry Christmas. Shouldn’t take long.”

“See ya in a bit then.” Joy shut the door on her way out.

Seulgi stole another glance out the window. The man remained unwavering in his attempts to clear the snow from his front steps, and Seulgi briefly envied his determination.

She moved to the bed, and sat down, pulling the computer onto her lap. She found a free e- card service and addressed one to her father, wishing him the best. And though she knew that Joy was waiting for her, she found herself opening an email to Sooya.

Dear Sooya,

I hope this Christmas Eve finds you well. I can’t write much because Joy is waiting for me for our annual Christmas moviethon, and I really have to figure out a way to subtly dispose of the carrot & rum hot chocolate she made me, but I really wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas in case I don’t get a chance to write to you tomorrow.

It’s snowing here. It’s snowing so hard that everything is now white and sparkly and beautiful. I should take a picture now before it all starts to melt and turn to slush. Christmas plans at my folks’ were cancelled due to the weather and I can’t say that I mind all that much. I’m happy here in my cold apartment, spying on crazy neighbors and watching black and white movies with Joy.

What are you up to today? Making dinner for your friends, I think you mentioned. What are you making?

I really don’t believe you at all about Harry Potter. You must have read the books and then banged your head and forgotten you read them. You must have amnesia. How many fingers am I holding up?

(Go out and get Harry Potter at once – you weirdo!)

Seulgi paused in her typing because Joy was at the door again.

“The popcorn’s getting cold,” Joy whined from the doorway.

“You know you’re just going to end up throwing it at the TV anyway,” Seulgi said. Joy snapped her fingers. “Good point.” She left again, and Seulgi shook her head. She continued.

Anyway, regarding Ms. Fipbic, it seems to me that perhaps you’re just scared to like her because you’re – as you said – a n00b (sorry, that’s a Sehunism) at love and maybe you’re worried that you’ll – I don’t know – in bed (er, so to speak). ;) Or! Maybe you’re intimidated by her Mythical Creatureness. Or maybe you just don’t want a Unicorn.

Though you know, people are hardly ever as perfect as they seem. It’s possible that she’s a completely ordinary horse when you get close enough. Or maybe she had an accident when she was young and got a tree branch stuck in her forehead and so it LOOKS like she’s a unicorn but really she just has a piece of wood sticking out of her head. Though perhaps you don’t want to be dating someone with a piece of wood sticking out of their head... Never mind. I think I lost the metaphor somewhere.

My point was something along the lines of: don’t force yourself to like her if you really don’t like her, but don’t dismiss her on account of a perception. Especially since I think you said you didn’t know her very well. She might be full of perfectly loveable flaws.

Anyway, I really have to go or Joy is going to dump her bucket of popcorn on my head. Merry Christmas!!

Your friend, Seulgi

PS: I’d say yes to the veggie burger recipe except I’ve decided to give up cooking – I’m really just not good at it and punishing people by making them eat my food is terribly cruel. Thanks, though. :)

***

JISOO

“... and then my brother called to say his wife is pregnant again, which is just... stupid. And I said congratulations but what I really meant to say was, ‘Good going, idiot, you can barely support the other three you have’...’”

Jisoo nodded at Rosé’s story while slicing tomatoes. Somewhere in the living room, Jackson was yelling at the TV, and Rosé stopped talking long enough to yell at him.

“I can’t believe he brought his Xbox here,” Rosé said to Jisoo. “I swear, sometimes, I really think he’s twelve. Are you sure I can’t help you with anything? I feel so useless.”

“You can pour me some more wine,” Jisoo said, and tossed the tomatoes into a pan. “It’s my fault, anyway, I meant to have dinner ready by the time you guys got here, and I got stuck on the phone for like four hours. Jiyong really needs to get a life. Who wants to discuss work on Christmas Eve?”

Rosé snorted and filled Jisoo’s glass. “You know his wife left him? He’s always been obsessive but now that he’s single it’s even worse. What did he possibly have to say for four hours though?”

“Oh, it wasn’t just him. It was Cynthia, too. She wanted to talk about some charity auction thing she wants me to do after New Year’s. And then my father called from Paris to say they were having a great time and that it wasn’t too late to join them. And then Jiyong called again because he’s got a wonderful script he wants me to read. And then my real estate agent called to say she found me a fabulous apartment in New York. And then Jiyong called one more time because some Japanese people want me for an ad campaign. Finally I just had to shut off my phone. Which reminds me I should really hire a manager.”

“You’ve fired how many now?”

“Four. They were all imbeciles. I need someone I can trust.”

“Hire Jackson,” Rosé suggested.

Jackson chose that moment to shout, “Take that you pre-pubescent asshat! ... Oh that’s right! Go cry to your mommy!”

Jisoo and Rosé looked at each other and laughed.

“Who is he talking to?”

Rosé shrugged. “Who knows. Some ten-year-old on Xbox Live probably.”

Jisoo shook her head and returned to the business of cooking, while Rosé went on about Jackson’s gaming adventures. Her mind drifted to Seulgi’s last email, snippets of which began to pop into her head as she moved around the kitchen.

“Why are you smiling like that?” Rosé said suddenly. 

“Hmm?”

“You weren’t listening to a word I was saying were you?” Rosé grinned. “Were you thinking of Jennie?”

“Don’t you mean ‘Neo’?”

“Not unless you have her hidden around here somewhere.” Rosé leaned against the island. “So?”

“So?”

“Are you going to tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

“Jisoo!”

The actress shrugged. “It was nothing. Seulgi just said some funny things in her last email.”

“Ah, Seulgi.” Rosé began to nod. “Wait, is she the reason you called the other day to ask something about stalking?”

“Yes, right before you hung up on me.”

Rosé laughed. “Sorry. I was half asleep. So you’re stalking her now? I didn’t peg you for the stalker-lesbian type.”

Jisoo stopped stirring the food and looked at Rosé. “I think New York makes me insane. Now that I’m back here I feel normal. I feel like everything is where it should be. I go there, and suddenly I’m stalking artists and dating directors and eating hotdogs.” She resumed the stirring. “Maybe doing this movie was a bad idea.”

“You’re going to be fine.”

Jisoo sighed. “I need to tell her the truth.”

Rosé shrugged. “And then you’ll still be fine. Even if things for a while, you’ll still be fine. Trust me.”

Jisoo nodded. Then she looked up again and smiled. “She has a collection of toilet paper. And normally I would find that really weird, but with her I don’t. With her, it’s fitting. With her, I think it’s adorable.”

“Like rolls of toilet paper?”

“No, no. Just squares, from random bathrooms.” 

“You have really strange taste in women.”

Jisoo sighed. “But see, that’s the thing. I don’t want to find these things adorable. I don’t want to wonder things like ‘does she like hotdogs’ in the middle of a date with someone else. I don’t want to spend half the night thinking about how cute she looked at the theater, or how beautiful she looked at the gallery, or how insane I am for asking her to paint things for me just because I wanted an excuse to be closer to her, and a justification for why I was following her. I just want to... not feel this way. How do I stop feeling this way?”

“Can’t help you there.”

Jisoo sighed and picked up her glass of wine. She took a sip and put it back down. “I thought maybe if I could just stop writing to her... but I can’t. And then there’s Jennie.”

“What about her?”

“I kind of swung the door open to the possibility of more with her and now I don’t know if I should slam it shut again or see what happens. I’m not even sure how into me she is.”

“Oh, she’s into you,” Rosé said with a snort. “You could always just tell her you don’t want anything serious and just sleep with her.”

“You’re starting to sound like Jackson.”

“Well, it’s true. She’d be perfect. She’s hot, she’s nice, she’s experienced, and you can trust her not to out you to the world.”

“And you need to get laid,” Jackson added, walking into the kitchen. “I was this close to getting you a call girl for Christmas.”

“Okay I was wrong, that’s the most depressing thing you’ve ever said to me.”

***

Jisoo sat in bed some hours later, absently flipping through the TV channels before settling on a cooking show. Jackson and Rosé had decided to spend the night, and though they’d blamed the alcohol, Jisoo knew that they’d planned it all along so that she wouldn’t be alone on Christmas morning.

She looked forward to sitting in the living room the following morning, opening presents and basking in the fleeting fulfillment of material things. They would like their gifts, Jisoo knew, but she wondered what her friends really wanted for Christmas. What did they yearn for in their most private hour? Probably nothing she could wrap with a bow.

On the TV, a woman cracked an egg open and told Jisoo the key to making the perfect omelet. She listened for a moment, letting the soothing voice and flickering images fill her mind.

And then she thought of Seulgi. She thought of her own personal meltdown back in New York at the concept of Seulgi thinking her an idiot. She replayed their conversation at the gallery in her mind, followed by the one at the auditions. She wondered at the impression she’d made. She wondered if Seulgi thought her as silly as she thought herself. And then she tried to imagine what she might do if Jisoo told her the truth.

She was past worrying about Seulgi outing her to the press, though the fear of that still lingered somewhere in the back of her mind. Far more upsetting to think about was the very likely possibility that Seulgi might never speak to her again. Far more terrifying than a parade of headlines questioning her uality was the thought of there never being another email from Seulgi in her inbox.

And that, in itself, was what kept her up at night. A crush she could deal with. She’d had those before; on acquaintances, on fellow actresses, on women at the set. But this fear of losing something that wasn’t hers to begin with was something new; something more. And she could only hope that it would pass quickly by, leaving her unscarred.

She reached for the computer and stared at the email from Seulgi she’d left open on the screen. She smiled as she read over parts of it and was smiling still when she began her reply.

Dear Seulgi,

Merry Christmas! I hope your moviethon went well. It’s been a while since I’ve had one of those. Over here, it’s a little past two in the morning and I was just sitting here watching a lady on TV teach me how to make omelets when I remembered that it was my turn to reply.

My evening was full of friendly banter and good company and entirely too much wine. My friends decided to spend the night here and I’m grateful for their company. It would’ve been a very lonely Christmas morning otherwise. I envy you the snow. Not much chance of a white Christmas here in sunny L.A. You should definitely take pictures so I can live vicariously through you. :)

On the issue of Harry Potter I guess I must have banged my head then, if you insist! And as far as I can see, you’re holding up... eleven fingers. And I’ll make you a deal: I’ll read Harry Potter if you read The Poisonwood Bible. And if I make it to the second book, then you have to read The Color Purple.

Deal? :)

Your take on Saucy’s mythical creatureness amused me. Maybe you’re right and she’s a perfectly ordinary horse with a slab of wood in her forehead. And maybe I shouldn’t dismiss her so quickly on what could very well be a misperception. I did, after all, tell her that our last outing was a date, so I should at least follow that up with something less... cryptic.

But enough about me – what ever happened with that guy your friend tried to set you up with? You haven’t mentioned him in a while.

And random question of the day: What’s your favorite sound? I’ll leave you to ponder that.

Merry Christmas, Seulgi.

Your friend, Sooya.

PS: You never told me what was on your wishlist!

******

SEULGI

The Christmas movie marathon ended sometime after four in the morning and despite the late hour Seulgi couldn’t sleep. She blamed the inordinate quantities of caffeine and junk food she’d consumed throughout the night. She blamed the cold. She blamed the full moon – though she wasn’t entirely sure that there was one.

She watched the shadows on the ceiling flicker with the passing of cars. She thought briefly of Kim Jisoo and the call she was now certain would never come. And she couldn’t decide whether or not she was disappointed. She thought of Joy and Chanyeol and Baekhyun and how much she looked forward to having them all in the same room for New Year’s.

And then she thought of Sooya, whose face she still didn’t know. What was she doing now, at that moment? Was she having fun? Was she happy? Was she even still awake?

The thought of Sooya comforted her; the thought of her emails made Seulgi smile. And after a moment, Seulgi picked up the computer from the floor and turned it on.

Her father had emailed to say thanks for the card and to wish Seulgi a Merry Christmas. It was a short note, an afterthought, really, and Seulgi didn’t bother to reply. She was far more interested in Sooya’s latest email, which she had secretly hoped for, but hadn’t really expected.

Dear Sooya,

It’s nearing 6AM here and I’m still wide awake. The moviethon was great fun but I’m now regretting the Gilmore Girls-esque junk food fest that Joy prepared. Have you ever had Nutella, sliced bananas, m&ms, peanut butter, marshmallows, licorice, whipped cream and gummy bears all sandwiched together between two giant chocolate chip cookies?

Here’s my advice: don’t do it!

I’m so going to hate my life in a few hours. I can’t sleep. My stomach is starting to hurt. And both Joy and I are due at my parents’ at 11:30. I’d kill for a clone of myself today. Oh, and by the way, you’re on. I’ll track down the Poisontree Bible or whatever it was called tomorrow. Well, not the tomorrow that is today because I haven’t gone to sleep yet, but rather the tomorrow that actually is tomorrow because today is already today. Got that?

I’m glad you’ve decided to give Saucy a shot. I have a feeling the two of you are going to be really happy together.

You know, it occurs to me that if you actually start dating her and fall madly in love with her, we’ll have to stop calling her Saucy. What was her real name again? Jane?

Anyway, the snow has stopped, much to my disappointment. I hate to admit this, but a part of me was hoping for a blizzard so I could sleep in today, which is horrible because it’s Christmas and I should want to be with my family. But at this moment, the thought of going outside into the cold, slushy, icy world is terribly unappealing. Especially while dragging along a bunch of presents.

Oh, my wish list! Right. I had forgotten you asked about that. Well, I asked for art supplies mostly because they’re expensive and I tend to go through them really quickly.

But in the grand scheme of things... hmm... I want a lot of things, I think. I want my family to support my choices. I want them to stop treating Chanyeol like some kind of vermin. I want Joy to get a good role in something, in anything, as long as it makes her happy.

I want world peace. :)

I do hope you figure out what you want. Sometimes I think I don’t know myself but then it seems clear. I want to be happy and I want those I love to be happy which seems kind of lame, I know, but isn’t that what we all want, really? But I guess if we experienced happiness as a constant thing then we’d start to take it for granted and so maybe it’s best to wish for a healthy balance of the two. Though it seems terrible to wish someone unhappiness just because you don’t want them to be greedy with the happiness. So you have to wish them happiness and then think quietly to yourself, ‘But not TOO much.’

I’m sorry, it’s late and I’m rambling nonsensically. I should try to sleep.

I do wish you happiness, Sooya. And maybe there’s no such thing as too much. Merry Christmas. :)

Your friend, Seulgi