SEULGI

“Guess what?” The question came in one rushed breath, and Seulgi became vaguely aware of something cold against her ear, against her hand. Her phone, it occurred to her. She was on the phone. She couldn’t remember it ringing or her reaching to answer it. Her mind started to swim. Sleep. She wanted more sleep.

“Seul?”

“Mmm?” she said, through the images in her mind. Random shapes: A house; a purple shovel.

“I left you like five messages last night. Where were you?”

Last night. There was something about last night. But the shovel was now dancing Salsa with a hotdog and that was terribly intriguing.

“Seul!”

Seulgi forced her eyes open, slowly, and tried to focus on something, on anything, but the room looked strange, changed somehow. She closed her eyes again and that felt worlds better. “I’m so sleepy,” she mumbled, wanting simply to hang up and succumb to the warmth of the sheets and the softness of the pillow. “Talk later.”

“Not later. Now. Pretend you’re awake for half a second and listen to me: I got an interview with Kim Jisoo!”

Jisoo. It all came back suddenly: painting on walls, cold champagne, terrible poetry. And kissing. Lots of kissing. Her eyes were open now. She was staring at the poster above her bed, the one Sehun gave her what felt like a million years ago. Sehun. He felt like a part of someone else’s life; part of a story someone else told her. Something had changed. She had changed. Jisoo had kissed her.

“Seul? Did you hear me?”

“That’s awesome!” she blurted, smiling, feeling overwhelmingly happy; for Baekhyun, sure, but for herself, mostly. Jisoo had kissed her. Jisoo had kissed her a lot.

“You need to help me figure out what to wear to the interview. Can you meet me for lunch?”

Seulgi pulled her mind away from the tempting memory of Jisoo’s mouth on hers, and tried to focus. “I can’t, I’m sorry. I have class and I really need to see one of my professors and sort out a really big misunderstanding.” And Jisoo. I desperately need to see Jisoo. “Why don’t you take Chanyeol?”

“Please, I love him, but he’s got zero taste in clothes. I practically have to dress him in the morning. Not that I mind that... but undressing him is way more fun.”

“Ew.”

“Oh, whatever. I sleep with your brother. Deal with it. How’s your thing going?” 

“My thing?”

“Your Sapphic fling thing.”

“It’s not a fling.”

“Oh? What is it then?”

“It’s...” Seulgi paused, having no real name for it. They’d kissed. They’d admitted they had feelings for each other. But there had been no promises made, no rules established, no hints given for what came next. “I don’t know. I don’t know what it is. We kissed.” And her heart skipped at the words, at how real and solid they sounded out there in the real world.

“Wow,” he said, sounding interested now. “How was it?”

“Amazing.” Overwhelming. Terrifying. Confusing. Enlightening. But mostly amazing.

“Aww. How cute. Does that mean I can tell Chanyeol?”

“No!” She felt somewhat panicked at the thought. “Not yet.”

“Hey, relax. Just because I came out of the womb waving a pride flag and a picture doesn’t mean I’m going to drag you out of the closet before you’re ready.”

“That’s a really weird mental image, but thanks.” She yawned, her eyes feeling heavy again. “Well, I’ll let you go. I still have a good hour, hour and a half of jumping around and shrieking to do. I’ll text you some pictures of potential outfits, okay? Later.”

She put the phone on the nightstand and looked up at the print on the ceiling. She’d always thought of it as a promise; his promise to her that one day they’d go to Paris, walk through the Louvre together, hand in hand. It had been a nice thought at the time, a persistent fantasy; a kind of hope. But there was none of that left now; just ink on paper, faded edges to match fading memories. There was, too, a kind of relief that went with it. A sense of moving on that had only partly to do with the fact that Jisoo had kissed her back. Whatever came next, good or bad, happy or heartbreaking, it would at least be hers and hers alone. Her decision. Her life.

She stood, struggled for balance on the springy mattress, and took the poster down.

***

JISOO

Was it a dream?

Jisoo woke with the question in her mind; or the feeling of the question, if not the question itself. She replayed the previous evening in her mind; each word, each touch, each kiss, until there was no longer any doubt.

Definitely not a dream. Definitely not a dream, and yet it didn’t feel quite real, either. It didn’t seem quite real. There was, at the edge of it all, a nagging certainty that what she felt remained one-sided.

It was easier – painful, but easier – to believe that Seulgi had simply lost her mind; that the combination of paint fumes, champagne and bad poetry had caused a chemical reaction resulting in temporary insanity. Seulgi would wake up with a sort of hangover and likely not remember a single thing. That, at least, would be preferable to the alternative: an awkward, ‘don’t-want-you-to-get-the-wrong-idea’ type of conversation. Far less painful, but way more terrifying was the notion that Seulgi had actually meant what she’d said. It meant... it meant what, exactly?

At least rejection had a clear trajectory. Heartbreak was more solid, more concrete. She could stock up on ice cream and tissues, listen to sad-angry music. She’d eventually get over it and go back to a healthy kind of misery; the usual kind, the familiar kind. This place she was at now, this murky space between hope and sheer panic was something new entirely. Seulgi had kissed her. More than that, she’d made Jisoo confess. There was no going back from that. Seulgi could easily hide; she could chalk it up to curiosity or experimentation, and Jisoo would smile and nod and say, “Of course. I understand.” But Jisoo couldn’t hide behind an excuse; wouldn’t want to, even if she could.

She rolled over in the bed, and the sheets rolled with her. The bedroom was dressed in the orange-yellow hues of morning, a bold reminder that the day was still before her, along with its questions and uncertainties. Jisoo wanted not to think about last night, because the truth was that despite all of her fears and doubts she wouldn’t trade her time with Seulgi for anything. She’d never felt anything so powerful, so real, so heartbreakingly perfect. She wanted to go back to it later, when she knew how to feel about it, when she was sure it was safe to tread upon the footsteps of memory.

And then, there it was, Seulgi’s ringtone, cutting smoothly through the silence. Jisoo froze at the sound. She wasn’t ready. She wasn’t ready to hear her say that she’d changed her mind, that it had all been a big misunderstanding. She wasn’t ready to pretend it was okay, to feign cheerfulness and say it that it was fine, that they could just be friends. But the sound persisted and she couldn’t ignore it. She couldn’t ignore Seulgi, rather, and that was really the problem. “Hey.” Her voice came out sounding like someone else’s, some weak, uncertain version of herself.

“Hey, did I wake you?”

Seulgi sounded very much like she always did, and Jisoo didn’t know what to make of it. Was it good? Was it bad? “Not at all. I was just...” She looked around, searching for a lie. She couldn’t find one. “...thinking.”

“Oh.” There was a brief pause after that, and Jisoo held her breath. 

“Anything in particular?”

Jisoo hated this; this awkward tension suddenly between them. So she said, “Dolphins.”

“Dolphins,” Seulgi repeated, dragging out the word. “And do you often find yourself thinking about marine mammals at this hour of the morning?”

“Sometimes. They are, after all, one of the most intelligent creatures on Earth, of course.”

“Of course.”

Jisoo could hear Seulgi’s smile. She wished she could see it. “I wasn’t really thinking about dolphins.”

“What were you really thinking about? Whales? Manatees?” 

“Dugongs.”

Seulgi laughed, and Jisoo wondered if this was the calm before the storm. “You’re stalling,” Seulgi said after a few seconds.

“You’re letting me.” 

“Fair enough. So...”

Jisoo picked a piece of lint off her covers. Her heart was racing. Here it comes, she thought, the apologies and backpedaling, the sugar-coated regret. “So.”

“Last night...”

... was a mistake, Jisoo guessed.

... should have never happened?

... you were kidnapped by lesbian pod people?

“... was... I can’t think of a good adjective. Wonderful? Is that too lame?” Wonderful? 

Jisoo switched the phone to the other ear. “Wonderful?”

“Too lame? I knew it. Sorry, I-”

“No, I mean... you thought it was wonderful?”

“Well... yeah.” Seulgi sounded uncertain now. “Wait, are you saying you didn’t?”

Jisoo could hear a trace of worry in Seulgis’ voice and she hurried, “No! I mean, yes! I did. I just thought ... I thought maybe you ...” She felt stupid now. “I thought maybe you’d changed your mind.”

“About...?”

“About...” Jisoo had no idea. They hadn’t established anything. They’d barely talked. “I’m not sure. I guess about what you said.”

“About being so I could hardly think or about being yours?”

Jisoo’s stomach fluttered at the word ‘yours’. She swallowed. “Both. Either.” She desperately wished they weren’t having this conversation over the phone.

Seulgi didn’t say anything right away and Jisoo worried she’d screwed things up. “Can I see you today?”

“Yes! Well ...” Jisoo ran a quick overview of her schedule. “I have to be on set. We’re filming today and - I’m not sure why - but I find directors prefer it when there’s an actor in front of the camera.”

“Really? How weird. Well, how about after?” 

“It might be really late...”

“I don’t mind.”

“Then I’ll call you when I know a time.”

“Okay. And, Jisoo?”

“Yeah?”

“I meant what I said last night. All of it.”

Jisoo smiled, feeling for the first time all day like she could actually breathe. “Me too.”

***

SEULGI

Seulgi stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror trying to pinpoint exactly what Jisoo saw in her. She was okay-looking, objectively speaking. Pretty, even, in the right kind of light.

She moved her head from side to side, trying to get an outsider’s perspective. She’d always felt her left earlobe was longer than her right; unlike Jisoo, whose earlobes were perfect. All of Jisoo was perfect, which is why this made no sense. In the light of day, thinking both clearly and rationally, she knew it made no sense. And yet.

And yet Jisoo had kissed her. Jisoo had told her she felt the same way. Jisoo had gone so far as to worry that she might change her mind, which was ridiculous; more than ridiculous, really... it was... well, whatever was more ridiculous than ridiculous. And so, here she was, locked in her bathroom, contemplating lopsided earlobes and hiding from her best friend. Seulgi had decided - at some point between last night and now - that she would have to tell Joy. She would have to tell her, at the very least, as much as she’d told Baekhyun, because there was no going back now and Joy deserved to know.

Still, she was hiding. She was starting to understand why Chanyeol had taken so long to come out to her. There was something paralyzing about it all. Joy would be okay with it, of course. She knew she would be. But lingering around the corners of her certainty was the fear that things would change; that Joy would see her differently.

“Want some coffee?” Joy asked from the other side of the door. “Just made a fresh pot.”

“Ah, sure, thanks.” She didn’t really want coffee. Her stomach hurt at the mere thought. Perhaps she could just email Joy. “Oh sure, cause that worked out so well for you last time,” she mumbled, and her forehead hit the mirror with a soft bang. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She would do this. She’d blurt it out, quick and painless. It would probably be awkward for a minute or two, and then it would pass.

She gathered the bits and pieces of her scattered determination and opened the door. She found Joy in the kitchen, sipping coffee and staring down at a newspaper. Seulgi briefly wondered if there was a How-To guide for this sort of thing. She should have Google’d this. Sensing her presence, Joy said, “I put your favorite mug on the counter.”

“So it turns out I like girls,” Seulgi blurted, because she was quite certain there would be no smooth segue into this particular subject.

Joy raised her head slowly, so slowly that for a moment Seulgi thought she was stuck in slow motion. “You’re kidding.”

“No?” Seulgi felt a rising sense of panic. Joy had to be okay with it. She had to be. “I mean, I’m sure it comes as a surprise-“

“That you finally admitted it? Ah, yeah! I’ll say.”

Seulgi opened and then shut it again. She decided to sit down. “What do you mean ‘finally’?”

“I bet Chanyeol fifty dollars like... a billion and a half years ago that you were gay. And he said there was no way in hell you were. And I just figured you’d be like eighty by the time you figured it out, since you’re such a ing prude and everything.” Joy smiled smugly. “He owes me fifty bucks.”

Seulgi had envisioned this conversation a few different ways, but somehow this particular scenario had slipped past her. “You had a bet? Why? I mean... why? Why did you think I was?”

“Let’s see. Well, there was Nicole.” 

“Nicole who? The little girl next door?” 

“There’s a little girl next door?”

“Mrs. Platt’s granddaughter.”

“Oh, that’s right. No, I’m talking about that girl Chanyeol was pretend-dating. Wasn’t her name Nicole?”

“Wendy,” Seulgi corrected.

Joy smiled. “You even remember her name. Anyway, you were totally hitting on her.”

“I was not!” No, she had definitely not envisioned this scenario. Was it too late to switch to a different one? “Are you insane? I remember her hitting on me...”

“And you were so into it!”

“I was not!” Was I? Seulgi tried to think back. Joy was making her feel confused, which wasn’t much of a feat considering she was already confused.

“Step back in time with me,” Joy said, and moved her hands around the air in strange patterns.

“What are you doing?”

“Creating ripples. You know, to illustrate that we’re going back in time.” 

“Joy...”

“Okay, you and Nicole-“

“Wendy.”

“Wendy, right. You and Wendy were standing in your mom’s kitchen, and she was talking to you and being all flirty and you were leaning into her, touching her arm and giggling like a teenager.”

“First, I’m pretty sure I was a teenager, and second, I don’t remember giggling. Laughing, maybe. She was funny.”

“Right. She was insanely dull. I remember nodding off during one of her soliloquies about... garbanzo beans or some . Then again, you dated Sehun, so maybe you just like dull people. Anyway, after Wendy there was Irene.”

“Our guidance counselor?” Seulgi was horrified.

“Yeah you were crushing on her hardcore. Hey, she was young. Cute. I get it. And then, oh, yeah, that girl you partnered with for that art project you had. The one with the spiky hair and nose ring; I caught her checking you out. You two could’ve made beautiful lesbomagic together.”

“In what world does her checking me out make me gay?”

“You’re the one who brought her here. I bet she would’ve been really good in bed.” Joy grinned. “And then, of course, there was your lesbian. I had really high hopes for her. Alas, she seems to have vanished into thin air ...” Joy shrugged sadly. “What ever happened to her? Lover’s quarrel?”

If possible, Seulgi suddenly felt even more uncomfortable. “Um, she got busy with work.” 

Joy nodded slowly. “You know your lip twitches a little when you’re lying?”

“No it doesn’t.” Does it? Seulgi bit her lip just in case.

“So who is she?”

“What she? Who?”

“The owner of the Prada knock-off on your bed last night. What’d you do, hide her on the fire escape? I can’t believe you didn’t tell me sooner. How long have you been dating her?”

“I’m not,” Seulgi said quickly, and that panicky feeling started up again. “I mean... we’re not.” She cleared . “This is all sort of new...”

“The gay thing?”

“The gay thing,” Seulgi said. “I’m still not sure what I am, exactly.”

“Lesbian? Bi? There’s not that many options.”

Seulgi shrugged. “Honestly, I just hate the thought of adopting some pre-existing label, along with all of its stereotypes and assumptions. I mean, can’t I just be me?”

It was Joy’s turn to shrug. “People are going to slap you with a label no matter what you say, so you’re better off picking one out for yourself.” Joy got up and poured coffee into the mug on the counter. She handed it to her. “If it makes you feel better, I’ll see you as I’ve always seen you.”

“A prude?”

“A prude,” Joy confirmed. But she smiled. “A prude that got slightly more interesting.”

***

JISOO

Jisoo stared at her phone, and then looked around the dressing room, and then stared at her phone some more. Seulgi hadn’t called – or texted – and Jisoo couldn’t decide whether it would seem too needy – or worse, desperate - to text for no reason. A couple of days ago she would’ve done it without a second thought, but now...

“Lunch has arrived, ladies,” Jackson announced, walking in with a brown bag in one hand. “Turkey sandwich for the queen.” He bowed before Jisoo.

“How is that a cheeseburger?”

Jackson glanced at the plastic wrapped item in his hand and then at Rosé. “Did you order a turkey sandwich?”

“Tuna salad.” Rosé didn’t bother looking up from her own cell phone as she answered.

“Hmm.” Jackson looked into the bag. “Well, I got a chicken Caesar wrap. And something that strongly resembles a Sloppy Joe.”

Jisoo sighed and yanked the bag out of his hands. She reached for the wrap. “When do I get to trade you in for a real assistant?”

“Hopefully soon,” Rosé answered. “You’ve got that interview with Byun Baekhyun tomorrow. And for the record, I’m still not sure hiring your crush’s brother’s boyfriend is a particularly good idea.” Rosé grabbed the turkey sandwich out of Jackson’s hands as he walked by to join her on the couch.

Jisoo looked at her phone again, daring it to ring or vibrate or do something besides mock her. “I haven’t hired anyone yet,” she said. “The least I can do is meet with him, right?”

“If you say so,” Rosé said, unwrapping her sandwich. It was the first time Jisoo had seen her without her cell phone in hand. “He was hardly the most qualified of the bunch. What if he ?”

“Then I fire him.”

“Yeah? Just like that? And you don’t think that’ll make things at all awkward with Seulgi?” 

“I’ll just rehire him for something else.”

“Like?”

“Like whatever!” Jisoo was starting to feel impatient. This was not the issue at the forefront of her thoughts and she wanted to move on from it. “Besides, there’s no guarantee that he’d even want to travel around with me, so this might just be temporary, if it is at all.”

“I think she wants us to drop the subject,” Jackson whispered to Rosé.

“Here’s a new subject, then,” Rosé said. “Why do you keep looking at your phone every five seconds?”

“I was just going to ask her about that!”

Jisoo put the phone down, annoyed that she was so obvious. “I was just checking the time.”

“Since when are you so about time? Besides, there’s a clock right above the door.”

“I bet it has something to do with Seulgi,” Jackson said.

“Or Jennie.”

Jisoo did her best to glare at them, but it wasn’t her best effort. She was too distracted by the mess of other thoughts circling around her brain. Did she tell them? Did she wait?

“My money’s on Seulgi,” Jackson said.

They stared expectantly at Jisoo, who sighed and glanced at the phone again. This was stupid. She was obsessing and she knew it. “Seulgi kissed me last night,” she said, hearing the words out loud for the first time and thinking that it didn’t make the whole thing any less surreal. There was a long period of silence during which both Jackson and Rosé stared at her.

“Seriously,” Jisoo said, anxious to get the first few moments of this conversation over with, “this is your reaction?”

“Hang on, I’m just picturing it in my mind,” Jackson said, only to get punched in the arm by Rosé. “Ow! Like you weren’t doing the same thing.”

Rosé ignored him. “She kissed you... like, really kissed you?”

“Like really kissed me,” Jisoo said, tossing her untouched wrap on the table. “And I really kissed her back. And I don’t know what happens next, or what she wants to happen next, or even what I want to happen next.”

“,” Jackson said. “That’s normally what you would both want to happen next.”

“Thanks,” Jisoo said. “That’s really helpful. I feel like... everything’s spinning out of control. This is what I wanted. She’s what I’ve wanted. But the truth is that... I just don’t know. Do I let this happen because I want it to, or do I stop it because I know where it will end? I can’t give her a normal life; even if she’s okay with it all for now things are going to unravel eventually. The press is going to pick up on it ... they’ll drag us both through the mud. I don’t want that for her. I don’t want her to get caught in all the bull. So, do I stop it knowing we’re both going to get hurt or do I let it happen out of selfishness?” 

“I really think you have time to figure out and,” Jackson said, “that you should start with the .”

*****

SEULGI

She’d chickened out of meeting with her professor. She’d had every intention of knocking on the door during office hours and apologizing face-to-face for the terribly inappropriate email she’d sent the day before. But she couldn’t do it. She’d made it all the way to the woman’s door, but couldn’t will her arm to move. So she’d called Baekhyun and agreed to meet him at Saks Fifth Avenue. And now she trailed behind him, looking at display after display of clothing neither could afford.

“Do you think labels are important,” she asked him, because she had been thinking about what Joy had said.

“Yes,” he said, distracted by the shirt in his hands. “I see it as an investment in my future. I’m thinking... Armani. Although, she does like her Prada. And I saw her wearing Dolce & Gabbana jeans at her last interview and this really y tank, which I’m also pretty sure was D&G.” He put the shirt back on the rack. “What was she wearing last time you saw her?”

Seulgi tried to conjure up an image of Jisoo, but all she could think about was kissing her. “Um. Jeans? A t-shirt?”

“What kind?”

“Blue? White?”

He sighed at her and gave her a disapproving look. “Brand?”

“How should I know? Besides, that wasn’t my question. I meant... labels like... well, the uality kind.”

“Ah,” he said. “Go on.”

Seulgi followed after him as she talked. “Well, I was talking to Joy about everything—“

He stopped and spun around, causing her to nearly collide into him. “Whoa, whoa. You told Joy?”

“This morning.”

“So she knows...?”

“About as much as you do,” Seulgi said, hoping that was good enough.

“Go on.”

“Well.” She tried to find a way to phrase the question without sounding like an idiot. She didn’t know exactly what she was asking. “How do you figure it out? At what point do you wake up and say ‘okay, this is what I am,’ and then make it your identity and actually feel like it’s yours, rather than someone else’s idea of how you should be?”

He blinked at her somewhat blankly. “And here I thought we were just going to have a lighthearted shopping trip,” he said. “Do you like girls?”

“Yes, it would seem so,” Seulgi said.

“Guys?”

“Yeah.”

“Then by the power vested in me by the Supreme Council of Gayhood, I now pronounce you biual. Congratulations and welcome to the other side. Your card’s in the mail.”

Seulgi sighed at him. “That doesn’t answer my question.”

“Your question has no answer, Seul. Or at least no answer I can give you. I can, however, give you some advice: Don’t tell your girlie friend right away that you’re biual because the second you do she’ll probably think you want a with her and some random guy. And then she’ll freak out and go running to the first gay guy she finds and then he’ll have to spend three perfectly good hours listening to endless, monotonous whining about how she should’ve never gone home with a girl that wears heels.”

“What?”

“Sorry,” he said, running a hand through his hair. “It’s been a long day.”

Seulgi replayed the words through her mind, trying to make sense of them. “I don’t wear heels.”

He regarded her seriously. “Forget the heels. Look, Seul, you are what you are. People will see you as they see you, which in my experience says a lot more about who they are than who you are. Being true to yourself and giving yourself permission to be who you are and to love who you love... that’s what it’s all about. The rest... the rest is unimportant in the grand scheme of things.”

***

JISOO

“I don’t want a ,” was the first thing Seulgi said as she stepped into Jisoo’s apartment. The words took a while to register in Jisoo’s mind, partly because she was distracted by the sight of Seulgi, and partly because the statement made no contextual sense. She closed the door and leaned her back against it, waiting.

“And I don’t want you to think that I’m going to run off with the first guy that winks in my direction,” Seulgi continued in the same impassioned tone. “And this isn’t a fling, or... you know, part of the whole college experimentation thing.”

Jisoo wasn’t quite sure what to make of these declarations. “Did I miss a conversation somewhere?” she asked.

“This morning you said you were worried that I’d changed my mind,” she said. “And I’ve been thinking about that all day... about all of it. And it finally hit me on the way over here why you’d think that. And I wanted you to know that I would never regret what happened last night, no matter where we go from this moment forward.”

Jisoo couldn’t help but smile. “And threesomes played a part in this.. how exactly?”

“That was Baekhyun’s fault. And Joy’s. Well, no, it was mostly Baekhyun’s. He said that you—well, not you you, ‘cause I didn’t mention you specifically—but that... actually, I don’t remember. Something about threesomes and biuals and heels. Regardless, I just wanted to make it clear, in case you ever thought I might want one, that I don’t.”

“Good to know,” Jisoo said, more amused than anything else. She couldn’t take her eyes off Seulgi. Images from the previous evening flashed vividly through her mind. She pushed them aside for the moment. “Are you hungry?”

“No, I’m okay.” Seulgi started taking off her coat. “I can’t believe we did that to your wall,” she said. “How long are you leaving that there?”

Jisoo followed her gaze. She rather liked what they’d done to the wall. “Until you want to change it.”

“Me?”

“Well, you’re the artist.”

“I suppose I am.” Seulgi met her gaze and held it. Neither said anything for a very long time. “What are we doing, Jisoo?”

“Staring awkwardly at each other.”

Seulgi smiled, but shook her head. She started toward the living room, and Jisoo watched her for a couple of seconds before following. “Talk to me,” Seulgi said, as she sat on the couch. Jisoo didn’t know where to begin, so she started by sitting down. She’d been thinking about Seulgi all day, trying to zero in on what she wanted. But what she wanted had always been clear; it’s what she feared that made things difficult. She wished she had a script to read off of, some past experience to go by, but there was nothing.

“Do you want to be with me?” Seulgi asked softly.

The question took Jisoo by surprise, silencing all other thoughts. “More than anything.”

There was a flash of relief on Seulgi’s face; relief and something else. “But it’s complicated,” she guessed, her tone light.

Jisoo tried for a smile, but didn’t quite manage one. “People follow me constantly. They take pictures of me constantly. They write about my life and the people in it, and they don’t care who they hurt in the process. There’s only so long we can go without you appearing in a photo beside me and it’s only a matter of time before they start following you and writing about you. It kills me, Seulgi, the thought of dragging you into all of that.”

Seulgi nodded, but the question was still in her eyes. Jisoo’s heart ached. She didn’t want to lose her. She didn’t know how to keep her. “I don’t want to put you through that.”

“Is it really me you’re worried about, or is it fear that you’ll be outed?”

Jisoo frowned at the question, partly thrown by it. “Honestly, if you’d asked me that a few months ago, I would’ve said that being outed was my biggest fear in the world.”

“But not anymore?”

“No.” And Jisoo was surprised to find that it was true.

“So what is it now?”

That one was easy to answer. “Hurting you,” she said. “Watching you suffer because you’re a part of my life, and ultimately losing you because of it.”

“But that might happen even if we’re just friends,” Seulgi said.

Jisoo had thought of that. She’d thought of it and then proceeded to push it from her mind. It hurt to hear Seulgi say that it was a possibility. “I know.”

“I’m saying,” Seulgi said, “that that’s not reason enough for us not to be together. If you tell me that you don’t want to be with me because you fear for your career, or that you’re worried it will out you to the world and you don’t want that... then that’s one thing. But if you’re saying you don’t want to be with me because you’re worried about what people will say about me and how I will feel about it ...?”

“I just don’t want to see you get hurt.” And that seemed like reason enough for Jisoo.

“Jisoo, I didn’t kiss you last night because I thought it might be fun to try it. I kissed you because I’ve never felt like this before, about anyone. I know a relationship with you would be complicated. I know at times it might be downright frustrating. Hell, it might even be painful. But that’s what relationships are. And I don’t want to give up on it simply because you’re worried what people might say about me.”

There was, what felt, like a sudden glimmer of hope, though the worries were still there. “So you want to be with me is what you’re saying?” Despite everything that had transpired and everything that had already been said, she found it incredibly hard to believe that this was real; that Seulgi might actually consider something more serious.

Seulgi ventured a smile. “Well, I think I deserve at least a real date.”

A date. It sounded so harmless. So tempting. “Are you asking me out?” 

“Are you going to keep speaking in questions?”

Jisoo smiled at that. At the back of her mind was the voice that spoke of warnings and bad ideas. But it had grown considerably smaller and now was barely audible. “If you’re asking me out, then I accept.”

“Great. Are you busy now?”

“Is that a trick question?”

“Maybe.” Seulgi grinned at her. “What movies do you have?”

Jisoo hesitated, but only briefly. There would be time to sort through the rest of the questions and worries and concerns. For now, she was content to go with the flow, for however long it lasted. She stood and offered Seulgi her hand. “Let’s take a look.”

*****

SEULGI

Seulgi had no idea if they’d actually gotten anywhere with that conversation, but she felt cautiously optimistic as she followed the actress up the stairs. It should have been easy, moving forward, over and beyond the neutrality of friendship, toward Whatever Came Next. But dating Jisoo meant dating her management team, her fans, and the public at large, and she understood Jisoo’s fears. At some point, when the novelty of being in a new relationship wore off—and maybe long before—Seulgi would have to face a very difficult reality. And so there remained between them a question with no answer.

She paused at the top of the stairs to look around Jisoo’s room. This wasn’t her first time there, but it almost felt like it was. Everything between them felt different. But the room was much as she remembered it: neat, comfortable. The lighting was soft, yellow, pouring from a lamp in the corner. Across from her, the impossibly large flat-screen TV stared back at her from the middle of the entertainment center. Unavoidably, her gaze fell on the bed, and thoughts of kissing Jisoo danced across her mind.

“So, what are you in the mood for?”

For a moment, Seulgi was certain that Jisoo had read her mind, but the actress was standing near the TV, staring down at an open drawer containing row after row of DVDs. She walked over and scanned the titles. The selection was mind-boggling. She decided to sit down. “This might take a while.”

Jisoo sat down next to her, and she fought the impulse to lean closer. “They’re in alphabetical order.”

“Seriously?” Seulgi looked through the titles again and found that yes, they were in fact in alphabetical order. “Were you that bored?”

“Rosé was that bored,” Jisoo explained.

Seulgi smiled and turned back to the task at hand. She had no idea what movie to pick. She didn’t really care what they watched. “Idea,” she said, and grabbed Jisoo’s hands. “Cover my eyes.”

“Is this how you usually make decisions?” Jisoo sounded amused as she moved behind her.

Perhaps it would be from now on, Seulgi thought, enjoying the fact that Jisoo was closer now. “Any excuse for you to touch me,” she said.

“You don’t need an excuse for that.”

Jisoo’s hands were suddenly over her eyes and she briefly forgot all about the movie. “I’ll keep that in mind,” she said, surprised that she could think at all. She reached forward and felt across the rows, her fingers trailing over the spines. “Let’s go with... this one.” She opened her eyes when Jisoo’s hands moved. She started laughing. Seabord Cyborg. “What are the odds?”

Jisoo snatched the DVD out of her hands. “That shouldn’t be there!”

Seulgi half turned and reached for the movie, but Jisoo held it up. “Oh, come on. It will be fun.”

“Not in a million years.”

Seulgi turned to face Jisoo and, kneeling, managed to grab the movie back. “Ha!” But a second later, she felt Jisoo’s fingers brushing lightly over her stomach and she shrieked.

“No fair!” she yelled, laughing, doubling over.

And then, without warning, Jisoo was kissing her. Or, maybe, she was kissing Jisoo; it was hard to tell, and it didn’t really matter. Nothing else really mattered. She didn’t notice that the movie was no longer in her hand as her fingers tangled in Jisoo’s hair. She pulled her lips away moments later. She pressed her forehead against Jisoo’s and closed her eyes, trying to catch her breath. “We can make this work,” she said, not caring that she sounded somewhat desperate.

She felt, more than heard, Jisoo sigh. “Not if you make me watch that movie.”

*****

Joy was sitting on the couch when Seulgi walked out of her room the following morning. “Tell me there’s coffee,” Seulgi said, on her way to the kitchen.

“It was real, wasn’t it?”

She stopped and turned to face Joy, simultaneously searching her brain for the missing pieces of the conversation. Coming up blank, she said, “What?”

Joy stared at her from the couch and then she sighed, somewhat dramatically. “The jacket,” she said, as if it were obvious.

“Is this one of those times when you decide to engage me in a random improv exercise without telling me and I spend half an hour wondering what the hell you’re talking about, only to find out later you’re just ing with my head? ‘Cause if it is, I don’t have time today.”

“I’m talking about the Prada jacket on your bed,” Joy said. “Are you dating some sort of older, rich, power dyke that can’t be seen with you? Holy , is she a politician?”

Seulgi was stunned. “You got all that from a jacket?”

“Oh, my God, she’s a politician? How old is she? No, scratch that, how rich is she? No, wait, how did you even meet a politician, you hate politics. Wait... too many questions... I can’t focus.”

Seulgi shook her head and walked the rest of the way to the kitchen to find an empty pot. “You didn’t make coffee?”

“I did, but I drank it.”

“The whole thing?”

“Don’t change the subject! You’re dating a politician!”

Seulgi expelled a breath. “I’m not dating a politician.”

“Oh.” Joy sounded disappointed. “So... what, then? Some corporate big shot? Ooh, is she like the CEO of something?”

Seulgi hated lying and sooner or later she would have to tell Joy the truth. But now was not the time. Besides, she’d have to talk to Jisoo about it. “What makes you think I’m dating anyone? Maybe I’m playing the field.”

Joy snorted. “You? Right.” But she seemed to consider the idea. “Can I give you some advice, as someone who’s been gay longer than you?”

Seulgi leaned against the kitchen counter and crossed her arms. “You’re not gay.”

“Uh, helloooooo!” Joy held up the screenplay and waved it around. “My advice is not to settle for the first lesbian that crosses your path, okay? Sure, she might be fun for now and it’s new and all that, but odds are that you’ll be able to do better. I mean, look at me, I came out when I was fifteen and my first girlfriend, Sarah Solantis, was... you know, ugly. And now, years later, I’m hooking up with Kim Jisoo. You need a goal. Now, I’m not saying you’ll ever get someone like Kim Jisoo, obviously, but still, a goal is good.”

Seulgi nodded slowly, buying enough time to fully process the layers of irony and nonsense. “I’ll keep that in mind, thank you.”

“Seriously, Seul, who the is she? You’re killing me here. Give me a hint. Tell me if she’s at the very least not as dull as Sehun.”

Seulgi smiled. Driving Joy nuts gave her a strange sense of satisfaction. “I’ve got to get to school. I’ll catch you later.”

“Wait!” Joy yelled as Seulgi started to walk away. “You’ll be there tomorrow, right?” 

She turned around slowly, worried suddenly. “Ah...where?”

“My scene with Jisoo, we’re filming it tomorrow. You’ll be there, right?”

Seulgi couldn’t quite imagine anything more awkward than watching her best friend get it on with her... Was Jisoo her girlfriend? Had they established that officially? “I have class,” she said.

“It’s Saturday.”

Damn. She couldn’t come up with another excuse fast enough. “Uhm...”

Joy sighed. “You promised. C’mon! You don’t have to stay for the whole thing. Come for an hour or two.” And, because she knew it would work, added, “It would mean a lot to me.”

It was useless, this business of arguing with Joy. She was unrelenting whenever she really wanted something, and Seulgi felt too heavy with guilt over all of the lying to put up much resistance. “Okay, sure, I’ll be there.”