"He what?" I exclaimed in disbelief, narrowing my eyes, "Drugs? That punk took drugs?"

  Seungri shook his head urgently, opening his mouth to speak when someone else stepped out from behind him.

  "It wasn't drugs. It's morphine."

  There was no doubt who the owner of the husky tone belonged to. His eyes dyed black, Daesung was dressed casually, like Seungri, in just a hooded pullover and three quater shorts that fell to his knees, clutching his wallet and passport. It's obvious that they had sneaked here without alerting anyone. After all, it only takes 3 hours to go back and forth by plane. I blinked, momentarily stunned by Daesung's sudden appearance, before the worry in his eyes pulled me back to reality.

  "What mor-"  

  "Morphine. The medicine doctors prescripts to the injured. It works like an anesthetic."

  Jiyong is in pain?

  "Hyung got them from the hospital." Seungri piped in, "Around 2 weeks ago, he went out to buy cigs, or that's what he told me, at least." Seungri shrugged, "But he stayed out for really long even though the store is literally a street away. So I went out to find him." Seungri continued. I frowned. This sounds familiar...Cigerattes... 2 weeks ago... "It was raining so hard and I found him in the downpour, on the swing at the playground not even with any disguise on. He was just sitting there blanky- He said he met you, but nothing else. His hands were burnt so I-"

  "Hold on, burnt?" I gasped. His hands were fine!

  "It was like that when I got there. I took him to the hospital in his own car where he got the morphines. I don't know why- he kept going back for more even after his hand healed and- He wouldn't do anything outside our schedule, eating just one meal a day and shutting himself in his room otherwise and then one day he just-" Seungri gulped, choked by the horrible memory of it.

  "He overdosed." Daesung finished, his eyes pained, a reflection of mine as my lips trembled.

  "He's still not discharged. News leaked but got twisted in the media claiming that he was on drugs. Real . Everything's so chaotic now and he still wouldn't speak and- Kyungmi, can't you pay him a visit? I know you broke up with hyung but..."

  "I can't..." I said almost immediately, my voice shaky as I struggled to steady it. "I can't.. see him." 

  I am dying to see him.

  How is he? How are the fans reacting? Why wouldn't he explain himself? How serious is the overdose? Is he still in pain? Is he suffering?

  How is he?

  The atmosphere was tense. Seungri rackled his hair in frustration. He must be thinking of how selfish I can be. Daesung surveyed me quietly before he grabbed my palm.

  "Maknae, give us a minute." Daesung said, stepping into my apartment and closing the door behind us. Without a word, he pulled me into the kitchen, away from the door and away from Seungri's ears.

  "I can't do this anymore." He said as he turned to face me.

  "What-"

  "You may not know why Jiyong took those morphines, Kyungmi, but I do." Daesung heaved. I swallowed. "He can't forget you, Kyungmi. It's killing him, and I'm your accomplice. He's trying to numb himself."

  "How would you-" I began.

  "Trust me, I know exactly how he feels like." Daesung interrupted grimly, lifting his lips slightly in a self mocking way. "I know you care, Kyungmi. I can't help you anymore. I'll tell him why you-"

  "I'll go." I said, grabbing his sleeve. He stopped in mid sentence. "I'll go and see him."

  By dawn we are in Seoul, on a cab to the hospital. There were all sorts of people camping outside the facility, reporters with flash cameras; fans holding fan boards with well wishes; and other curious onlookers that were just glimpsing to have a look at the commotion.

  All of a sudden I found Jiyong's career the last thing I'm worrying about. Funny how I would even risk my life to protect it for him and how insignificant it seems now. The amount of people outside the hospital fueled my fear. Just how serious is his injury?

  The windows of the cab rolled down and Daesung spoke quietly to the guard, the shades on his nose sheltering his identity from the others. Seungri and I exchanged nervous looks.

  We were outside Jiyong's room in a blurred motion of walking. I'm not sure if I want to face this; to see for myself the damage I have done. But I want to see him, I need to make sure that he's alright.

  "Just tell him to eat." Seungri sighed. "He wouldn't speak or eat for the past few days. They had to inject the food down his system by force."

  I bit my lips worriedly, my glance finding Daesung's. "You have to." He said simply.

  I owed him that.

  Quietly, I stepped into Jiyong's room. It was silent except for the occasional beeping of the machines. Through the thick smell of the hospital, I caught the scent of something familiar. Jiyong. 

  He sat propped up on the bed, staring emptily out of the window, not seeming to notice another presence in the room. My eyes lingered at the multiple tubes that poked into his thin arm,  lump consciously forming and lumping in my throat.

  I don't want him like this.

  I knocked softly. He flickered his eyes to me dully, not even moving his head, expecting me to be the nurse. Our eyes met and his brown pupils dilated, his pale, dry lips parting in disbelief as he turned to look at me immediately. Another stab of pain inside me was felt. He squinted his eyes, almost as if he thought I am yet just another illusion, further emphasizing the dark circles that had found home beneath his eyes. Without a word, I sat down by his side.

  "I didn't do it." He said finally after a long moment of silence, his gaze on me dropping to his hands. He's sincere about what he said.

  "I know." I whispered, smiling softly, "I know."

  "I- The fans- They- I let them down. And my mom..." He said slowly, his eyes fixed on his hands. He seemed so small, so young, so lost, so confused that I wanted nothing less than to sweep him into my arms and nestle him within the crook of my neck, reassuring him that everything will be okay.

  "Why?" I asked, a strain in my voice. "Why did you take them?"

  "I don't know, it sort of... helped." Jiyong confessed.

  "In what?"

  "You." Jiyong said, raising his head to lock me in the eyes. After months of the grey cover that hid him, I see cracks. "I just- can't do this anymore, Kyungmi. I thought I was fine without you. I told myself that if I became unfeeling, if I hated you-" he said the last two words in a way that sounded like he was drecting it at himself instead "-everything will be alright and the pain would go away...

  "but it didn't. Days past and I became a robot. I indulged myself in everything that's legal. In work, in alcohol, in cigerattes. Nothing worked. Nothing. I was so ashamed of myself. I felt so betrayed."

  I swallowed, lowering my head so that he wouldn't see my clouded vision.

  "I don't remember how to not love you, Kyungmi." Jiyong said hoarsely. "When I took those medications, it helped. So I took them more. It was an accident. I never meant for this to happen. I didn't realise that I was..." Jiyong trailed off, lost in his own world.

  I restrained a sob, biting the inside of my mouth so hard the sick taste of metal filled me again. I composed myself before I faced Jiyong again, my face void.

  "I miss you." Jiyong said tonelessly. "I was wrong. I don't know what I did to drive you away from me but I would admit to anything to get you back again. I love you. I hate you so much but , I love you. Can't you take me back?"

  I love you. 

  I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you, you stupid boy.

  But I can't.

  I shook my head slowly, not even bothering to cover up the pain this time.

  Jiyong's expression didn't change, like he had expected my rejection, except that a small flame that had lit up behind his eyes as he poured his heart out to me is put out, leaving him dark and blank again.

  He smiled softly, giving me a small understanding nod. Jiyong tore his eyes away from me to the blankets, blinking a few times, as if trying to convince himself of something before he spoke again, his eyes remaining where they are.

  "Thank you for visiting. Kyungmi-shi."

  I exited the room, a tear escaping my eyes as a sudden realisation hit me.

  I'm not ruining his career, I'm taking his life.