The whole flight home Namjoon was ill, his stomach in knots at the fact that he had no idea what was going on.  No one had commented details and nothing was coming up on the news or in chats.  That meant that it was really bad.  As soon as he touched down he was met by his manager and ushered not to the dorms, but to the hospital.  Joon wanted to vomit.  It was worse than he thought.  Getting out of the car as the color drained from his face he silently followed his manager to the ICU unit where his knees almost gave out at seeing his other 5 brothers sitting in the hall in various states of distress.  Jungkook was doubled over, his head in his hands, his whole body shaking as Jin was trying to comfort him, utter devastation written all over his tear stained face and held in his blood shot eyes.  Taehyung looked soulless as he sat statue still in one of the chairs.  Jimin's lip was bruised from where he had tried to keep his emotions in check.  Hoseok was lost.  

"Wha..."

Joon couldn't think.  He couldn't formulate words.  He was lost.

"JHope?" he asked, his voice rough.

Hoseok looked at Joon like he was trying to process who the man was.  A part of him wanted to be mad at their leader for not doing his job and for letting Yoongi go, but the same part realized he hadn't done anything to help his friend either.  He had gone in his room and locked the door.  

"He's still alive," was all Hoseok could say.  

It was all he had to say for Joon to loose it.  He didn't even feel the fall, or the pain in his knees as they impacted the tile of the floor, his hands coming out in front of him to brace him from the fall as he almost face planted from his shock.  

"Wha..."

Namjoon shook his head as emotion threatened to overtake him.

"What do you mean?" he ground out.

The boys just sat there.

"Min Yoongi tried to kill himself," their manager said softly, kneeling beside Joon.

"We thought he was trying to get better.  He went and spoke with a doctor and got some medication.  Everything seemed okay for a day or two.  He even came back to the dorms.  Hoseok found him last night..."

"How..."

"The bottle was empty.  We don't know.  They've pumped his stomach, and they're trying to flush his system but..."

"But?" Joon asked, looking up.

"Until he wakes there is no way to tell what kind of damage there is..."

"Can...can I see him?" Joon asked softly.

"I'll see what I can do..."

______________________________________________

When the doctor came out he told the group that there had been no change and that if they wanted to they could go home and he would have someone call with updates but nobody moved.  Joon was led back to see Suga.  He cried.  He fell to his knees and prayed to God that his brother would be okay, and whole, and that above all, he would be happy in whatever way he needed to be.  For an hour he held Yoongis hand.  He told him about London, and how he should have gone after him.  How he had failed them as a leader, and how he would ask that Bang PD-nim consider making Hobi the leader instead.  He would not have let this happen to them.  

When his visiting time was up he sat in the hall as the rest of them went back, moving here and there and consoling where he could.  He had failed.

Two days later Suga woke up.  Everyone was there.  They hadn't left.  No one had moved to eat anything but vending machine food, and no one had showered.  No one was brave enough to be on their own, or dumb enough to leave Suga in case he woke up soon.  Once he had been checked out they cast lots to see who would go in what order.  Joon went first because he was still the leader and no one was listening to his crazy talk of giving the position up.

"M sorry," he said as he walked into the room and he could not keep his tears from falling.

"Don't," Yoongi said, his voice hoarse from the ventilator he had been on to help him breathe.

"Yoongi hyung..."

Joon sat down next to the bed, putting his head on it and crying.

"Joonah..."

"I'm so sorry!" Joon cried.  "I should have...I should have gone after you.  I should have given everyone more attention.  I should have begged them to give you your studio back..."

Yoongi laughed softly and put his hand on Joons head.

"Joonah," he said again.  "Don't be so stupid.  We were all falling apart..."

"I shouldn't have left," he insisted.

"Did you find yourself?" Yoongi asked.

Joon just nodded.

"Good," Yoongi said.  "Now you can help everyone else."

Joon nodded again as he looked at his hyung.

"Please don't do this again, hyung," he begged.  "Please don't leave us.  We need you..."

______________________________________________

Three days later Yoongi was released and of course it was all over the news.  The media had no shame.  Thankfully they didn't know the real reason he had been hospitalized.  Namjoon would have lost his head if they had.

BigHit immediately sent them to some kind of grown up male bonding time place where a full staff was on service to address their mental and emotional and physical wellbeing.  The first week the boys mostly slept and did a lot of self reflection.  They had a ton of one on one sessions with a counselor, and they ended up learning more about themselves than they had wanted to in the first place, but this was probably what they needed and so they all bit the bullet and went along with it.

Hobi learned how to control and channel his anger.  He learned how to express his opinions without worrying about offending others, and he learned to love himself for who and what he was.

Jin spent a lot of time dealing with the separation of his parents.

Jimin worked a lot on his self image and learning how to appreciate his body style.

Kookie worked a lot on his issues of being the youngest.  He addressed the fact that he had been in such high demand since he was very young, and that he had been expected to fit a mold as soon as he was casted.  For many years none of the boys knew exactly who they were.  He talked extensively about the feeling of having to be great in everything.  He cried when he admitted that all he wanted was to be loved, even if he knew the kind of love he wanted was wrong.  

Taehyung came unhinged when he talked about his grandmother, and how he had been raised to be strong, and how he had a hoarding problem because he knew one day all of this would end.  He talked about the conflict between V of BTS who was everywhere at once and always in demand, and Kim Taehyung the actor who seemed to do okay.  He talked about his secondary passion of being a photographer and how maybe he tried to be and do too much.  He told his counselor that he had admitted his feelings to the person he loved, and they had torn his heart out and called him something vile.

Namjoon told the counselor he wasn't a monster.  He didn't want to be.  Who hadn't made dumb decisions when they were 16 years old?  Now he was stuck with an image and a name that didn't fit who he was any more.  He needed to be strong.  A leader.  Someone level headed and dependable.  He spilled the beans about Mathan and the girl he had left in London.  He asked if he was crazy for being in love.  If he was selfish for wanting Somang to love him too.

Min Yoongi was the hardest one of all.  His emotions and self worth were all over the page.  His girlfriend had left him.  That is what had started it all.  He hadn't told anyone about her, and she hadn't ever mentioned him.  But then things got to be too much, and the distance between them became too great, and she cut it off when he had needed her the most.  All of s were tired and as the second oldest hyung it was his duty to help Jin hyung and Joonah take care of them.  Most of the time he failed.  He hated feelings and emotions and so he kept everything in unless he was writing and he let it out in a song.  That's why his studio was his life.  It was his counselor, his sounding board, his medication.  He'd been cut off cold turkey and had spiraled out of control...

______________________________________

The group sessions from the following week were screaming matches and punches thrown and family refusing to talk to one another, but the counselor they had believed in super tough love and so she locked them in the room to duke it out until they all kissed and made up. After 37 hours everyone had made peace with one another (except for V and Jungkook) so the healing process could begin but the counselor told them that their biggest issue was still unaddressed and until V and Jungkook came clean that room would be their home.  No one talked for the next 12 hours.

"Love is love you know," Yoongi finally said as he opened his eyes to look at Jungkook.  "It shouldn't matter where it comes from.  Our bodies are just a vessel for our souls.  Don't pay attention to the package.  Even if it is a very beautiful package..."

"It's wrong," Jungkook said, sounding unsure.

"Says who?" Yoongi asked as he sat up to give the maknae his full attention.  "Have any of us ever told you that your feelings were wrong?"

Jungkook looked like a fish out of water.

"Your hyungs aren't stupid Jungkookah," Suga said. "We see you.  We see where the fanservice ends and the feelings begin.  And we would tell you if it was wrong.  But we haven't, because it isn't."

Jhope and Jin nodded in agreement while Joon just looked at his hands.  If he had paid attention to that conversation he probably could have prevented the fight.

"I'm sorry TaeTae," he said, looking up at the two.  "I should have given you better advice on that."

Taehyung just shook his head, his emotions closed off as he tried to work it all out in his head.

"It was wrong of me, hyung," he said softly.

"If Kookie makes you happy...that is something you two will have to work out by yourselves.  But we're still brothers, and love is still love.  Don't let anyone tell you any different."

_______________________________________________

Three weeks later the group left their compound and went back home.  Bang PD-nim called them to the offices where they all had a nice long chat and decided an actual group vacation was in order.  He sent them to Hawaii where they were told to have fun and work on themselves.  Of course they made a show out of it, and of course sometimes things were still a little awkward, but the boys made the most of it.  They enjoyed the company of one another, they gave the camera more genuine smiles, and not once did anyone ever think about starting a fight.  If anything it brought them all closer.  It had been exactly what they had needed.  

As 2017 came to a close, and they added a few more trophies to their bag, Namjoon reflected on all that had happened, and thanked the Gods above for the year that they had had...