It took Namjoon several long minutes to process what had just happened, and almost an hour to move from the position he was in to put the box back in his pocket and his head in his hands.  His whole world stopped.  The pain faded, his mind went blank, and he lost all sense of passing time.  It wasn't until his phone started blowing up that he moved from the position he was in, reading the worried messages from s asking where he was and if he was okay.

'Am I okay?' he thought.  'It doesn't matter.'

Slowly unlocking his phone he sent back a generic apology for losing track of time before heading back to the hotel and slamming the door to his room, locking it and turning off his phone, refusing to answer any of the knocks that followed.  All night long he laid awake thinking of how stupid he had been to think anyone could love someone like him.  Someone who was lacking and full of flaws.  Someone who was famous only because he had managed to sneak into a group with 6 immensely talented individuals who took pity on him and helped him the best they could.  Someone people made fun of for being clumsy and slightly ditzy.  For four years he had had to apologize for the way he sang, and for the fact he couldn't dance that well.  He apologized because as the leader of the group he was more of a presence than the others, and because he was not considered handsome or even all that good looking.  He was tired of apologizing for living.  He wouldn't even apologize to himself for chasing off his friend.  Somang was the only normal friend he had.  She was the light at the end of his dark days and now it seemed he didn't even have her.  

When the phone rang for his wake up call he threw all of his belongings into his suitcase, double checking every corner of the room before throwing on an all black outfit complete with shades, a snapback and a mask.  Grabbing his items he bypassed everyone, taking his items to the parking garage and putting them on the bus to the airport, sitting in the main back with his headphones in.  When they got to the airport fans were everywhere.  Joon was thankful for the mask.  That way he wasn't required to smile.  He just pushed on with his head down and went straight to the VIP lounge they were allotted, ignoring his brothers who looked on in concern.  He was not acting like Namjoon at all.  He was acting like a monster.  

Once the plane had boarded and they were preparing for takeoff Namjoon pulled out his notebook and began to write down his thoughts, as dark and as hateful as they were.  Maybe if everybody met the him he kept inside everyone would leave him alone and he would be free to be miserable in peace.  Maybe then he wouldn't be such a disappointment.  

"Yoongi, hyung," Jimin asked quietly as he switched seats with JHope, "what's the matter with Namjoon hyung?"

Yoongi slowly turned his head to look at Namjoon, tilting his head this way and that before shrugging.

"Didn't he take off with Somang-ssi?" Taehyung asked from behind the two.

"Think something went wrong?" Jimin asked, his voice full of concern.

Yoongi just shrugged.  This behavior was very unlike his dongsaeng, but he knew that if the man wasn't ready to talk, he wouldn't.  There was no safely pushing him to a confession.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Namjoon spent the entire 8 hour flight buried in his notebook writing his heart out.  Every feeling he had left he put on paper not caring who read it or what they thought.  Just as he had been hurt and questioned, he would question and doubt others, and if someone got their feelings hurt along the way, so be it.

As soon as they landed and got to their hotel Namjoon sent for a bottle of black hair dye.  Dimple-faced, happy go lucky Joonah was going out the window.  If a monster is what everyone wanted, a monster is what they would get.  He would be the Monster of Rap, and the God of Destruction.  He would tear to shreds anyone who got in his way or made him feel less than he deserved.  No one would ever use him to feel better again.  

Had it not been for the fact that they rarely made it to the States, and for the fact that his fans had not yet done anything wrong, Namjoon would have skipped out on the concert and continued to compose on his laptop.  He had several things to say and he was going to make sure the world heard them all.  He didn't care how heartless or rude he sounded or how much controversy he brought up.  

Going to the concert venue he told the stylists he would pick his own clothing for the concert because he had a statement to make and none of the sparkly, bright outfits matched what he wanted to say.  The whole concert he stayed in a simple black outfit with dark eyeliner on and nothing else.  His raps were harsher, his dimples never showed, and his fanservice was at a minimal.

Fans speculated for days that he was sick, but when they showed up on the west coast a week later, everything about him was the same; heavy eyeliner and a simple black suit, no smiles, minimal fanservice, and harsher raps.  Even his mates were concerned, but he wasn't talking.  No one could share his burden because no one understood what he was going through.  None of them had been rejected...  Taehyungah had been rejected...

_________________________________________________________________

A week and a half after everything went down he sent Somang a text saying he was sorry for everything and that he hoped they could still be friends.  He tried not to let it affect him when she didn't respond.  When they got back home and had ​some down time, Namjoon told his bandmates that he needed some time alone to think about some things and it was then they realized he had not mentioned Somang since they left London.

___________________________________________________________________

"He asked her out, didn't he?" Taehyung said late one night as the remaining six members sat around, trying to enjoy their downtime.

"Why did she reject him?" Jimin asked.

The others just shrugged.

"You should call Zephyr and ask her," Hoseok said to Yoongi.  "She's a girl.  She understands."

Yoongi just looked at his friend with his best resting face.

"I had no idea my girlfriend was a girl," he said dryly.  "And she isn't a girly girl."

"I don't think Somang-ssi is either," Jungkook pointed out.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Jin asked.

"Girls think differently," Taehyung said.  "Prissy girls get hurt easier."

"We have to help him," Jimin said.

"We need some insight," Hoseok said.

"I'm not calling her," Yoongi said.  "It's like four am.  She'll kill me."

"Text her," Jimin said.

"And say what?" Yoongi asked.  "Hi, Namjoon got dumped.  Why?"

"There has to be something we are missing..." Taehyung said sadly.

All the guys could do was nod.

______________________________________________________

By week two of them being home and on break Namjoon had turned in to Suga.  He locked himself in his studio and lived there.  He had had a second soundproof door added and a doorbell as well.  He ate, slept, and wrote all day long.  His songs were all over the page for emotions but a part of him felt he was being the realest he had ever been.  It was all right there.  He had wiped all his social media accounts, shut his phone service off, and gone back to the basics.  He was spiraling out of control and didn't know what to do to make it stop.  He had begged Somang to answer him, to just give him a second chance as a friend but...she hadn't responded and now all he could do was leave her in peace.

After a few more days of his behavior Bang PD-nim came to his studio to visit him and express his own concern for Namjoon''s mental and physical wellbeing.  He offered him anything he could think of to get him back to where he needed to be.  Joon had lost weight and sleep.  He looked like death warmed over and his expression was cold.  Joon told his mentor that he wanted to release a mixtape of songs he did all on his own, and that they were definately not things people would like, but they were things he felt needed to be said.  He told the man about Somang, and how it had all gone wrong, and what she had said to him, and what he had said in return.  He told him about Zephyr and how her and Yoongi hyung seemed to be working, and when Bang PD-nim asked about Taehyung and Jungkook all he could do was look away.  

Once Bang PD-nim had listened to the songs he sent them to his production team for tweaking and a few days later Namjoon was in the studio making his mixtape which was sure to stir conversation and turn heads.  At this point no one knew how to save the boy and so they tried to keep him placated the best way they knew how until he healed his hurt on his own.  He still had a very long way to go.

__________________________________________________________________

When the album was recorded Namjoon went to his hyungs in the rap line and let them listen to it.  Yoongi was totally blown away and Hoseok was left speechless.

"Nam dongsaeng..."

"I don't care if it sells.  Or...if it makes people mad," Namjoon said, hanging his head.  "I just...these are my thoughts and...they were driving me mad.  I just...I want people to know."

"Daebak..." Yoongi said slowly.

"Do you like it?" Namjoon asked, sounding unsure.

"I do," Yoongi said as Hoseok nodded.

Namjoon didn't smile as he nodded. but his expression definately softened a little.

_____________________________________________

BigHit sent Namjoon to London to do his music videos and his album shoot and it took everything in him NOT to go looking for Somang.  He refused to leave his hotel room except to go to and from work, and the pain in his chest seemed to return a bit, but the team here knew what he was wanting to convey and they had the means to do it.  The makeup artist they had was insane.  She had no fear and was willing to try anything Namjoon wanted to try.  She took him to her friends studio and he almost fell over when he saw Zephyr but she promised to keep his secret as she shoved a needle through his eyebrow and replaced it with a bar, smirking at how bad it made him look.  

"Now all you need is some ink," she said with another smirk but Namjoon just shook his head.

"We can use semi permanent markers," his makeup artist said as she leaned against the counters.  "They last a few weeks and slowly fade away.  Like henna."

Namjoon considered it, saying he might do it later.

Going to the studio they had set for him the M.A., whose name was Kaelyn, bleached his hair til it was almost white, saying it would fit the two faced concept he was trying to portray better.  And that it would look badass in the monochromatic style they were going to use for his music videos.  

It took him only a week to film all three of the music videos he intended to release but he was more than satisfied with how they had all seemed to turn out and he hoped that others would be as well.  When it came to the album cover shoot he decided to trust fully in the girl who had carried him through the last week and he gave her open artistic liscense to use him like a canvas.  It was the most eye opening experience of his life, and as he returned home, he closed the book on one chapter of his life, deciding it was time to open another.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Somang had shut down for three days after the fiasco with Namjoon.  She had refused to check her phone or the news as her entire body rid itself of emotions and fruitless thoughts.  She had already blown her chance there and in her mind it was best to cut off cold turkey.  Being friends with a guy named Mathan had been fine.  Being friends with a god named Namjoon was not.  Mathan could have kept her safe...made the concessions she needed.  Namjoon was an unstable variable with millions of fans who would destroy her the first time she stepped a toe out of line.  And...compared to the beauty that was him...she was nothing.  Surely he had mistaken his feelings and was now regretful of the move he had made.

By the time she checked her phone and read his message a week had already passed and she was unsure of how to respond.

"Let's just be friends..."

She knew it had been too good to be true and she was now unsure if she could ever just be friends.  She had let her heart run too far.  When she finally came up with a response to send, all of his accounts had been deactivated and his phone number rejected texts as invalid.  

'Just as well...' she thought to herself.

In the days and weeks that followed she slowly caught up on all the work she had been missing and on her first free day she logged into social media to see that BTS had finished their tour and entered hiatus as they addressed some personal issues and Rap Monster prepared his mixtape.  ARMYs everywhere were up in arms over Namjoons sudden and drastic change in appearance and attitude and as photos leaked of the recent new looks he had had, Somang became worried.  She knew how to read this man.  Mathan.  Namjoon.  RapMon.  The name didn't matter.  Nothing else about him changed.  But this...she did not know who this person was.  He was empty...emotionless...almost without a soul.  It was scary.

A few days later she heard that he was somewhere in London and her heart hurt that he did not attempt to make contact.  A day or two later ARMY was trying to figure out who the girl was that had been plastered to his side.

Somang thought she definately wasn't Namjoon's type.  

As life progressed as normally as it could, Somang tried to focus less on the friend she had left behind and more on her own life, but when news came that Namjoon was dropping a mixtape and that it 'definately isn't what we expected', she once again grew concerned and turned back to the internet to ease her fears.  When it finally dropped, she was floored.  Everyone was floored.  ARMY was losing it's mind.  Critics were losing their minds.  Netizens were finding offense in anything and everything they could.  And Namjoon...  Rap Monster had his middle finger up in the air telling people this was who he really was inside.  It was something else.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFQzux2qwsM&index=3&list=WL)

The first track wasn't that bad, Somang thought.  Not anything she wouldn't have expected from him.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqLBAWuozns)

The second track even would have been okay, but the video to it was a little disturbing.  It was actual middle fingers in the air and the appearance that Joonah had turned to drugs to deal with his problems.  It made her heart hurt a little.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7tITajS-Mw)

Track 3 was obviously his mental breakdown, and Somang was not lost on his message of longing to have someone there by his side.  It made her sad.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJnwT8CSC1A)

Track four left her speechless.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxMrBNBWksM)

Track five scared her less.  The music, the video, everything.  It was really no 'joke' at all.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovEsm2X92c4&list=WL&index=5)    (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1Y5qykwnzY&index=5&list=WL)    (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PEAS7UVocsc)    

The next three tracks were eye opening in his views on the world.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-V8mpCU0rQ&index=2&list=WL)

Track nine was Namjoon running his mouth but...whatever made him happy.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NizEES4zUtA&list=WL&index=5)

Track ten was the real him coming out.  It almost hurt too.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n24XPz7UZ7Q&index=1&list=WL)

Track eleven hit the hardest of all.  Somang didn't even have to question who it was about or what had inspired it.  She just didn't know how she was supposed to fix any of it.

Pulling up her search engine she started looking for more images from the release and was struck by what she saw.  Namjoon must have come completely unglued.

 

​

​

​

Shutting her computer for the day, Somang retreated to her room, and tried to unsee and unhear all that she had experienced that day.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A few days later Somang was searching social media for a project she had due when she noticed that ARMY was once again up in arms, apparently on two sides of an argument with one another and things seemed to be getting heated.  ​While it didn't appear to be a cultural thing it took Somang a moment to realize it had something to do with Namjoon and something he seemed to have said in an interview which was causing one of several reactions; jealousy and abandonment, disappointment and unfollowing when proof was submitted due to his line of work and understood expectations, or a 'grow the up and get on with it and leave the man alone'.

Several minutes later Somang found caffeine and the video that started it all (but not the one she had originally been looking for).  It was an interview with Namjoon for his new mixtape in which he responded to several very personal and deep questions about inspirations and ideas and messages.  When asked about the meaning behind his mixtape, he gave a very deep, very meaningful reply.

"If you look at the album cover, my face is divided in black and white. I wanted to show that I was two-faced. I’m positive at some times and then negative at other times. I speak of hopes at some points and then forget about it later. You can just see it as something I made by pulling out the various rooms inside myself. I wanted to express the thought of, “There are this many sides inside of me, but in the end, this is me, and you who’s listening to this is just you too.” I normally enjoyed India Arie’s ‘Just Do You’. It’s a song that gave a lot of comfort to me when I felt confused. I believe that the message of this song gave a lot of influence towards this mixtape. That’s why the song that represents the entire message for this mixtape is ‘Do You’.

"What did your members think of the album?" the interviewer asked.

"I only let Hoseok hyung and Yoongi hyung listen to it at first," he admitted.  "But they had a positive response to it.  I honestly didn't make this record wishing for a certain response.  I made it because these were all things I felt that I needed to say.  Some people don't like it, and that's okay.  Some people did, and I am thankful for that."

"Some of the messages were pretty harsh," the interviewer said, "weren't you afraid of causing controversy?"

"Not when I was writing, no," Namjoon said honestly.  "Not even when I was recording.  But once everything was said and done I thought that perhaps some of my words had been too harsh.  Perhaps I could have expressed myself better.  But I'm not going to apologize for the emotions that I felt and conveyed in this album."

The interviewer nodded.

"You talk a lot about loneliness and wanting to find someone to stand by your side.  What brought that on?"

Namjoon shifted his position on his seat as he thought on how to answer it.

"Doesn't everyone wish to be loved?" he asked sincerely.  

"Have you found someone?" 

Namjoon gave a sad smile and shook his head.

"In my position...in any idols position...  Dating is very hard.  Our fans have certain ideals and expectations and it is our duty to conform to what our fans want.  Dating for an idol is almost taboo until they have reached a certain age and even then if everything is not handled appropriately, or if ideal types are outside of expectations..." 

Namjoon didn't know what he wanted to say.

"Even if I had found someone, it would be unrealistic to be with them now.  I must be married to my work.  Too many people depend on me for me to be so selfish.  It would be unfair to my members and my fans and the object of my affection.  I am only 23.  There is still plenty of time for all that.  Maybe once I leave the army and have fulfilled my duty to my country I can find time for love.  I am still very lacking right now, and I have a lot of flaws.  I need to be the best I can be before I ask someone to be with me."

The interview said nothing else of much interest ​but Somang could see where the speculation had come from.  His pause had been too long; his expression too longing.  Now fans and antis were up in arms over wether or not he had lied about being in love and having a significant other.  Some were just jealous that it would never be them and were not true fans to begin with.  Some felt like they had been lied to and wronged and were on the fence about supporting him.  Others accepted it for what it was and were only there for the music, not laboring under any sort of delusion that one day they would marry their bias.  Somang felt bad for it all.

A few days later the discussion was still going on and Somang weighed in on the matter and hoped that somehow he would know she still supported him.  That night there was a knock on her door.  

Somang answered the door expecting the takeout she had ordered and was floored at what she saw.  She had to blink several times and remind herself to breath.

"Na..."

There stood Namjoon, a small, shy smile on his face.

"Somang noona," he said softly.

Somang had to grab onto the door jam to keep from falling to the ground as she felt tears sting her eyes.  Three months.  It had been three months since she had left him sitting on the park bench, running from one fear and in to another.

"Joonah," she breathed, one hand coming to cover her face.

"I'm sorry," he said softly.  "I shouldn't..."

Somang just shook her head and slowly extended the hand from the door jam towards the man before her, her palm coming to rest against his chest and over his heart.  He was real.  This was real.  ​

Namjoom stiffened before his hand came up to cover hers and he stepped closer to her.

"I'm sorry," he said again, his voice filled with emotions.

"For what?" Somang asked.

"For...everything..." he said.

Somang shook her head.  

"I was stupid," she said as she took his hand and pulled him inside, shutting the door behind them.

"I didn't mean to ruin our friendship," he said as he looked down at her.

"I did that," Somang said, suddenly sad.

"How?" he asked in confusion.

"I ran away..." she said.

"I was out of place to force my feelings upon you," he replied.

"Did you really feel that way?" she asked, her tone full of doubt.

"I still do," he said, his hand coming to rest against her cheek.

Somang looked up in shock at the confession and as her eyes raked up his chest she saw the rings that he had purchased hanging on a chain around his neck.

"You..."

"I care for you," he said.  "I don't care what other people think.  I don't care if most of our fans abandon us.  No one else does either.  Nothing else matters if I am not happy.  But..."

"But?" Somang pressed.

"I know you think you are lacking and burdensome but...you aren't to me.  You never have been.  And...I know that I am lacking and...hard to get along with..."

Joon removed himself from her touch and tangled his hands in his hair as he tried to think.

"I love you," he said, his back to her which caused her to almost miss it.  

"Excuse me?" she asked in total shock.

"I love you," he said again, turning around to face her.  "I have for a while now and...no matter how hard I try...the feelings won't stop.  I'm sorry..."

"You..."

Somang was blown away.

"You...love...me?"

Namjoon just nodded and walked up to her again.

"I know what I'm asking," he said.  "I know it is a lot.  And I know I'm being selfish but...if you feel anything for me at all..."

Namjoon could feel his heart breaking again as he fell to his knees before her, his hands latching on to hers.

"Please give me another chance.  I'll be whatever you want me to be.  I'll answer your call at whatever time it is.  I'll take you out on a date if you want me to.  I'll do anything you want me to.  Just...please don't push me away."

Somang looked at the man before her, all decked out in disguise (she hoped those tattoos weren't real no matter how y they made him look), and suddenly it wasn't hard to maintain her reality.  The man before her was Namjoon.  Her best friend for almost four years.  He was loving, and sweet, and kind.  Everything she had ever looked for or wanted in a companion.  And here he was, down on his knees in front of her, begging her to love him.  It really wasn't that hard to do.  If she was truthful with herself she already did and had for a while now.  The man that was Rap Monster was somewhere far, far away, probably producing in his studio, or hanging in a closet somewhere.

"Joonah," she said as she softly tugged on his hands, causing him to rise and look into her eyes.

"I won't..."

"What if this goes wrong?  What if...what if your fans get mad?" she asked.

"Then they'll just get mad," he said as he softly brushed his knuckles against her cheek. "I won't let you slip away again."

"The distance..."

"I'll buy you a house," he said.  "Just bring what you need.  I'll get you everything else.  You don't even need clothes.  I'll buy you those too."

"Joonah..."

"Please..." he begged, his head coming down so they were forehead to forehead.

"Why?" she asked as her eyes fluttered closed.

"Because I love you," he said as he moved to softly kiss her lips.

Somang saw fireworks as she melted into Namjoons scorching touch.  Even though the kiss was short it was meaningful and emotional.

"Okay," she breathed against his lips before he pulled her back in and she was lost once again in his kiss.