Here I was, sitting on the train to Seoul, yet again. Luckily for me it was winter, which meant that no one thought I looked suspicious with all the things that where covering up my face. And if Yeon Ji would say something, I would just reply that I was sick and needed to keep warm.

Last night I’d spent with packing some few things down in a bag. I had after much nagging from Yeon Ji agreed to go back to Seoul. But what she didn’t know was that I would just be there for the weekend and go home again. It was going to be a last goodbye, because when I would be home again, I would change number.

I would try my best these two days, so that when I leave again she would treasure the past memories, though she’ll still live on with life without me. The last thing I wanted was for Yeon Ji to feel miserably.

I flipped my phone open and read the text that I’d just received from Yeon Ji. She stated that she was going to wait for me at the station when I arrived, so that she then could bring me to her place.

After replying with a yes I put the phone back down in my pocket as I let my back sink into the seat, it was two hours left until I where going to meet Yeon Ji again. I’ve never been away this long from her. I must’ve fallen asleep because my eyes suddenly shot open when the train did a hurried stop. I guess we must’ve reached Seoul. I glanced out through the window and the first thing that caught my sight was Yeon Ji. She was standing just outside the window and waving like some crazy maniac.

I sighed; this was it, shows on.

I barely got out from the train before she wrapped her arms around me and brought me into her embrace. I could hear how she started to cry. A new side of Yeon Ji was showing itself.

“Never leave me like that again” my body stiffened at her statement, because I where going to leave, in two days. And after that we where never going to see each other again. It troubled me, how where I going to pretend like nothing had happened once I got home. When I got home to my mother, I shivered. I didn’t want to go home, nor did I want to stay in Seoul.

Life’s quite funny isn’t it? Not really. It’s hell.

I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t want to lie and tell her that I wouldn’t leave. Because that where probably going to hurt more, that I lied. After a minute or two she let go and pulled back.

“Come” she took her hand in mine and we walked towards the subway. In half an hour I would be there. In the house where Sung Yeol grew up, the place where he probably took his first notes, his first dance steps, and where he also decided that he wanted to be an idol.

~~

As I stepped inside their house that feeling of being home meet me, along with the scent of food and a mother that greeted Yeon Ji for coming home. I breathed in through my nose, before I let the air flow out through my mouth. This is the feeling that my home lacks, especially when dad’s not home.

“Here I’ll show you where you’re going to sleep. Wait, aren’t you going to take that off” Yeon Ji pointed at all the things that where covering my face as she took my luggage and proceeded in the other direction of her room. Weren’t I going to sleep in her room?

“No, I’m starting to get sick” I simply replied and fallowed after her. And my heart latterly stopped when it came up to me, where I would be sleeping. It was Sung Yeol’s room. I where going to sleep in his bed. No, definitely not. I couldn’t.

“Yeon Ji, what are you doing?” my voice was unsteady and I practically just stared at the room in front of me. A picture on Sung Yeol’s nightstand immediately caught my attention. It was the first picture we took together that day when I gave him the camera. He had really saved it. Did he already like me back then?

Tears where building up and my heart stung, what had I done, I’ve hurt to most precious person in my life. I felt how my whole body started to shake violently before my legs finally gave in and I plunged towards the floor. Droplets of tears hit the ground beneath me as I cried. I felt how Yeon Ji placed her hands on my head and my hair gently a few times before she left me there.

“Come out when you feel like it, there’s a toilet with shower just outside the room. The first door to the left” and with that she closed the door and walked away. I didn’t really mind since I wanted to have some time for myself, to sort some of my feelings out.

Two hours past by and the night had already set for the day. Yeon Ji had knocked on the door once, to tell me that if I wanted food she could bring it to me. But I had declined. I weren’t hungry, my emotions where enough for me to keep me full.

When Yeon Ji and her parents had settled for the night, I took the opportunity to sneak out and take a fast shower so that I could clean myself up, before I went to bed. Luckily I hadn’t forgotten to bring my pajama. Or else I had no idea of what I where going to do.

The look that greeted me in the mirror was horrifying. My face had a shade of red and blue mixture together. I shivered as my finger came in contact with the bruise on my cheek. Unfortunately I couldn’t sleep with my scarf and beanie on, because I would probably suffocate myself while I sleep. Though, that wouldn’t be too much of a loose.

As I settled down in the bed, a distinct smell of Sung Yeol entered my nostrils and I smiled, even if it was just a tiny one. Still it made me feel at ease. To know that even though he weren’t around anymore, he was still there.

I buried my head in his pillow and closed my eyes.