It wasn't easy to leave him there. Alone. The tears streaming across his round cheeks. His lips parted in an inaudible gasp of pain. And his eyes. That was easily the worst part. The horror and shock in the midst of those brown depths, those that had once been filled such light and joy. Now, wide with agony, the anguish resulting from those biting words. I had hurled them without thinking, arrows to slice the deepest part of the boy's heart. All the secrets, the dreams, the hopes we had shared, curled beside one other while the other three members had been fast asleep. Just the two of us, nestled in the safety of the darkness. Alone, comfortable, and content. The whispered ideas, shared in the safe space between us, with the understanding that they would never be shared. Never be turned into slicing words to be used against each other. But, here I was, walking away from his thin, fragile body, after doing just that. Breaking all the promises we had made, shreding the understanding we had once shared. He had told me those things in confidence-- I can recall his face flush and hot against my chest as he had whispered his shy dreams into the air. How I had smiled, touched that he felt so free to share such sacred things with me. And the way his eyes had brightned when I told him those goals were attainable, that he could do everything and anything he ever wanted.

His eyes.

Yet now, now they are overflowing with tears-- I can still see his face, mutilated with a multitude of emotions. Yet, there was one clearly winning the struggle. Beneath the anger, the rage, the unbearable pain, there was betrayal. And that, that is what hurts the most.

I ball my fingers into fists, digging my nails into my own flesh. As if that would fix things, as if that would wipe the treason from his young face. I continue forward, away from the one person I had loved, and still do. Away from his pain, pain that I have caused. Pain that I wish I could assuage. Yet, I know I can do no such thing. Not when I am the cause for such sorrow.

I hadn't realized I had been running until my hand instinctively reached to open the door to the outside world. I'm not certain when the tears had started to flow, but there is nothing I can do to stop them now. I shove the door aside, welcoming the stinging gust that slaps across my face. My feet begin to move, and I begin to run away from the dorm, into the night air. Away from him. Away from his pain. Away from his tears.

Away from Taemin's eyes.

It wasn't until my breath came in sharp gasps and my lungs burned did I finally stop moving. I grabbed onto the stone wall by my side, grappling for a firm grip. I felt my body lean heavily against its cool side. I feel the tears once more, swiftly streaming down my flushed cheeks. I clutch my chest, the pain there stretching across my entire body. But what is it from-- the run, or him? My legs give way and I slide down to lay against the freezing surface, its chilled surface cutting through my thin shirt, now slick with sweat. I lean my head down, my breath still coming in short gasps, and rest it atop my knees. And only then, only then, do I truly realize what I have done.

And I cry, just as he had. Just as he was. The sobs rip through my body, tearing apart my sanity. I replay the image of his face, stripped of any joy and happiness. Raw and broken as I had yelled and shouted, flinging insult after insult at his already crushed body. Relentlessly pounding away at his innocent dreams, his flawless character. Oh how I wish I could run back, throw myself into his arms, whisper apology after apology into his soft neck.

But for now, I just cry.