I'm not sure how much time has passed. I simply know that I can't stay out here for much longer without causing them to worry.
But would Tae worry about me? No... Why would he...? Not after tonight...
I choke back another sob, forcing myself to rise to my feet. I can't appear so weak, especially not in public. Thankfully, it seems late enough that no one is out and about. As I stand, I raise a hand to wipe the tears from my face, attempting to gain my bearings.
Where the hell am I?
With a quick glance around I start to realize where my feet have led me.
.
Leaves dot the ground, frost twinkling on their sharp edges. The stone wall that has been my support through the ordeal surrounds a small park, the once green and lush lawn now brown and yellow; dead with the coming winter. Trees litter the devastated field, their branches shadows against the midnight sky.
Of course it had to be here. Here, of all places.
Memories flood across my vision and I have to grab hold of the wall once more to maintain my balance.

The sun was bright, but not as bright as his smile. He had demanded that today had been a perfect day for a walk in the park, and although i had been more than reluctant, his aeygo had been more than enough to convince me. And man, had he been right. His long hair, pulled back into a ponytail bounces as he skips through the grass. Funny how he was only a few years younger; at times it seemed like he had lifetimes more energy than I ever could muster. His white skinny jeans and blue denim long sleeved shirt accompany the beauty of the sky. I found myself staring more than what was necessary. He turned back to look at me, his eyes sparkling with such pure joy that I was struck speechless on the spot, and called, "Minho hyung, stop being so slow!" I couldn't stop the smile from blossoming across my lips as my feet instinctively moved to close the distance between us. I don't believe I had ever been happier...

Omo. What have I done?
Regret courses through my veins as I return to the present, now more than ever painfully aware of what I shattered only a few minutes before. I've destroyed the one thing in my life that was worth living for, worth protecting.
I must fix this.
Determination swells in my being as I begin to make my way across the lawn. I pass the place where we had shared that ice cream sundae, his fragile fingers itching for the spoon whenever I had taken a bite.

"You're a pig," I had teased as he took far more than his fair share.
"Yeah well... you're a babo!" His comebacks were always left wanting.

No, there's no way I can let him slip through my fingers. I have to make it up to him. I have to apologize.
Tomorrow. The idea strikes me just as I reach the edge of the park, my sneakers now slick with mud and dead grass. Tomorrow is the I AM movie showcase. I can apologize on the car ride there. Onew will be there but I'm sure I can just ask him for some alone time with Taemin. I need to. I need to. Please wait for me Taemin. I'm coming. Please don't give up on me.
I reach the dorm thirty minutes after my revelation at the park, breathless and anxious. I hesitate just outside the door, hand hovering above the knob.
I can't see his face. Not tonight. Not when he is still so broken, not when I caused his tears.
"Minho!" It's Key's voice that stirs me from my fearful thoughts and hesitation. "What are you doing? Are you crazy? Why are you so sweaty? What the hell were you doing?"
"Key..." I couldn't help the exasperation from leaking into my voice.
"What? Did you just decide to go on a midnight run or something?"
I push my way around him and into the room, blinking at the harsh light that greets me. Jonghyun is seated on the couch in the main corridor; his eyes are bright with amusement as he hears Key nagging. A book remains open on his lap, but he is far more amused with the situation at hand then any text on that page, as it would seem.
At least your enjoying it.
I walk towards my room, through the main room and to the right into the hall.
"At least take your shoes off!" Key's voice echoes and bounces against the walls. I raise a hand in acknowledgment, which then earns a sigh of exasperation from Key and a burst of laughter from Jonghyun.
I pass by Onew's room slowly, and as I do so, I am all too aware that Taemin's door is slightly ajar. The temptation is too great and as I pass, I know already what I am going to do. I pause just outside, a hand placed tentatively in the door.
Just a glance. To make sure he's alright, I tell myself.
So, I lean in, slowly inching my head around the door to catch a glimpse of the maknae.
I'm not sure what I was expecting. Or what I was hoping to get out of seeing him. Perhaps I wanted to punish myself again, to cause me pain to scold myself for hurting him so badly. For destroying his hopes and dreams. For destroying us.
His face is turned towards the door, seemingly safe and secure in his own world. Sleep has transformed his face-- what had once been a desolate expression, haunted by the ghost of a smile now has become a, at the very least, content facade. A small smile tickles his soft pink lips as he dreams, and oh how I long to run to his side and run my fingers through his tossed brown hair, trace his round cheeks, apologize a million times over. To have him again, as I once had. To be able to encourage that smile to appear not just from his dreams, but in reality once more. To be the cause of his happiness, not his pain.
"Where were you?" I immediately tense, my hand gripping Taemin's door as I am shocked out of my own thoughts. A flush warms my cheeks as I realize that not only was I standing outside of the maknae's room, but I was quite literally staring at him while he slept.
Attempting to regain any composure I can possibly muster, I turn to face my questioner.
Onew stands, arms crossed before me; the usual light and amusement in his eyes gone. Surprised, I simply shrug, avoiding his gaze.
"Key was making a fuss about the floors, so he made me come over to see what was up. He had just cleaned them, you know. The least you could do is just take off the shoes." He points to my muddy sneakers and I suddenly feel self conscious. Especially since it's Onew scolding me, of all people. And still, with such a serious and almost angry tone. Had something happened while I was gone?
"Yeah. Well, sorry." I mutter quietly, removing my hand from the maknae's door.
"Did... did something happen?" I look up, surprised at Onew's persistent curiosity. "I mean... why would you suddenly just run off?" His eyes seem to search my face, pointedly looking for something, a clue of sorts, perhaps.
But why does it matter so much?
"I don't know... just felt like it, I suppose." I offer lamely, suddenly wanting nothing more but to retreat to my own room, slip under the covers, and escape into the darkness of my own sleep. Just as Taemin is now.
The hyung looks away, disappointment (and perhaps a twinge of anger?) residing his gaze. "Okay, well, I guess you should get to sleep. Just think about apologizing to Key, alright?"
"Yes. Annyeonghi gyeseyo." I turn and quickly make my way into my room, feeling the leader's eyes follow me as I move.
What has gotten into him? Since when does it matter where I've been?
With a sigh, I press my back against the now closed door of my room, thankful to finally be alone. If Onew hadn't been so weird, we could possibly laugh about how awkward a situation that was. But... for some reason I get the feeling that won't be happening.
I just hope he's in a better mood tomorrow...
I kick off my shoes and slip into bed, not caring about changing into sleepwear. The fatigue of the day, and my sudden run, have finally caught up with me and the last thing I could consider was changing clothes to simply sleep.
Tomorrow I’ll have you again, Taemin. Please, don’t forget me. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.