** Yes, the title is from This Is Us chapter 11th. If you remember, you will know why I use the title for this chapter too.

Buckle up and prepare yourself.

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I locked my bedroom door last night because I don’t want to get up and go to school today, but I forget Desire is having sleepover. So when Mama knocked on the door, I could ignore her but it woke Desire up.

He yawns and rubs his eyes sleepily, “What time is it?” Desire asks.

“6:45,” I tell him without seeing the clock, because that’s when Mama usually wakes me up, but school isn’t until later at 8. I have enough spare time in the morning to shower and breakfast. “You go ahead and take a shower first.”

“Okay,” Desire says and I walk him to the door. I know Mama won’t be standing outside my bedroom because she gets other things to do like packing my lunch and else. I plan to lock myself inside my bedroom again and just skip school, but of course my plan isn’t always working.

Five minutes after Desire’s gone, my sister banging at my door. My cheek still feels the sting from her slap though, but I think I deserve it. I just realize my sister is much scarier than Mama and Mommy when she’s mad, so I unlock the door and let her in because I’m scared of her.

No, wait… why is she bringing a hammer with her? Is she going to hit me dead with that? I walk back while she marches forwards after she closes the door. “I – I can explain.” I stutter.

“Oh, you have to. Not right now, but later with our parents are also there.” Yerim says. “Ma and Mom… they maybe get too soft on you but I won’t.” She goes to my Hot Wheels rack that hangs on my bedroom wall and takes one of the car. She places the car on the floor and smashes it with hammer without hesitation. I gasp as I look at my broken toy car. “I will destroy your collection if you don’t explain everything when we eat breakfast together. Do you understand?” I can only nod. “Good, now go take a shower.” I run for my life.

I’m thinking while I’m in the shower. How much should I tell them? If I say I watched a video of Mama dancing ily on some man’s lap, they will ask for more explanation. Where did I get the video? Why did I even watch it in the first place? And other questions that will lead to expose all my secret, including the lake. Maybe I can select a few which I should tell them.

Some minutes later, we already gather at the dining table, having breakfast. Sai looks so happy he gets to eat Mama’s cooking. He’s such a big fan of her cook and I can blame him, because I’m too. But right now, I can’t even look my Mama in the eye. I keep avoiding her gaze on me.

I can feel Mommy glancing at me but she doesn’t say anything. I bet Mama already warns her before. “Baby, do you want more eggs or sausages?” Mama asks me with smile on her face.

I mumble ‘no’ and then I glance at her. I see her eyes are puffy, swollen, and red. I can tell she was crying all night and it makes me feel very bad, yet she still treats me so kindly and lovingly. I think it’s better if she shows her anger at me just like Yerim does.

“I want it, Aunty Hyun!” Sai grins as he pushes his almost empty plate to Mama, asking for more meals.

Mama chuckles softly, “My, my… your appetite just like Sooyoung.” She says, filling more treats on Desire’s plate.

“Ouch!” I yelp because Yerim just kicks my leg under the table.

“What’s wrong?” Mama asks worriedly. I shake my head but I catches Yerim glaring at me.

I gulp and clearing my throat, “I don’t want to go to school today.” Wait, why did I even say that?!

“You’re not in position to want anything right now, Kang Mirae.” Mommy coldly says.

“That’s not what I mean –”

“You don’t want to go to school now?” Sai asks. “I’ll be alone then? Destiny’s not going to.”

“Are you not feeling well, honey?” Mama asks in concern.

“Joohyun, stop spoiling the kid rotten. He’s fine.” Mommy says still in her cold tone.

“He’s my kid.” Mama sternly says.

Yerim kicks me again. I get the message, okay? Jeez! “IsawMamavideo.” I spill the tea.

“I’m sorry? What did you say?” Mama asks again, not catching what I said.

“I saw Mama’s video.” I mumble but clear enough for them to understand. Sai coughs and chokes on his food. I wait until he stops. My family is staring at me like I grow another head.

“My what?” Mama asks. Her forehead furrows deeply.

“What ?” Yerim asks.

“How the hell do you even know what is anyway?” Mommy asks. “Why did you watch that kind of the video?” See, I told you.

“Uh… can I go to school now?” Desire says, noticing the drop of the atmosphere in the room.

“No,” Mommy says. “No one’s going anywhere. I’ll call Seungwan and tell her the situation, and inform school that you two aren’t going.”

“I skip school today too.” Yerim says.

“This is ridiculous!” Mama exclaims. “What are you going to do? Ganging up at Mirae and Desire? And you,” She glares at Mommy, “You know I don’t like it when you use that lawyer-y tone you have to our children! You treat my son like a criminal!”

“Honestly, Ma,” Yerim says, “Hurting our parents is a crime though. You taught me to always be polite, kind, and respect people – but what he did last night is far from being polite, kind or respect.”

“What she said,” Mommy says. “Don’t you boys like to skip class?” She asks sarcastically. “Now you don’t have to attend classes today. You should be thrilled about it.”

“Enough!” Mama gets up from her chair and cleans the table. “I’m taking them to school.”

“You won’t.” Mommy denies stubbornly. “Don’t you want to know why he knows and watches ? I feel like I failed as a mother here.”

“He doesn’t want to talk about it! We don’t force our children to do anything they don’t want to, Kang Seulgi! We take time! We listen!”

“Stop defending him, Joohyun!”

“Mama, Mommy,” I speak up, “I will talk. Please don’t fight.” It makes me sad they’re fighting because of me.

“Good,” Mommy says. “Man up and own your mistake.” She gets up from her chair and rolls up her shirt. “You go to the living room. I’ll clean up here first.”

We wait for her there obediently. Mama sits beside me as if she wants to protect me from Mommy and Yerim’s wrath, but she still keeps her distance, afraid to touch me, afraid to get rejection from me again. I feel like I want to launch myself to hug her tight and be in her embrace to keep me save from any harm. I’m selfish like that.

Ten minutes later, Mommy arrives at the living room, holding her phone to her ear. “Okay, Wan. I call you again later – yes, I will tell you everything. I promise. Right, bye,” She hangs up the phone and then sits across me with Yerim. On three seaters couch is me, Mama and Desire. On two seaters one is Mommy and Yerim.

“Talk,” Mommy demands and Mama throws disapproving glare at her.

I end up spilling everything to them, Desire also doing the same. There’s not a single left behind. We tell them every details, including give up our secret lake. At first, we told them we went to Renjun’s house when we skipped classes yesterday, but then I tell the truth. Sai doesn’t want to give up the lake, but it’s too late now. I’m sure it’s not that important for them anyway.

“Stupid,” Yerim seethes. “So ing stupid,”

“Yerim-ah,” Mama warns her.

“Didn’t we always tell you to come to us when you have question, Kang Mirae?” Mommy asks.

“I’m sorry.” Desire apologizes, “Aunty Hyun, I’m very sorry.”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Mama hugs him. She kisses his head and then parts herself just so she can look at him. “The older guys… did they touch you or Mirae?”

“No, Aunty Hyun,” Sai shakes his head. “We just watched the videos together and –” He stops.

“And what?” Mommy pushes.

“Watched them doing shot,”

Yerim groans angrily, “All of this because of what, you want to hit puberty?! There’s a phase for everything, idiot!” Mommy stops her before Mama can scold my sister.

“And what about Mama video?” Mommy asks again.

“Nick asked us to go to old storeroom on first period to watch . Jim sneaked his phone to school. All five of us watched it together.” I tell them. “Jim said the video is spicy because it has – it’s like when our coach tells us to do stretching before practice –”

“I know what is, you don’t have to explain it. Continue,” Mommy cuts me off.

“Right, of course…” I continue. “There’s this woman in red dancing ily at first in the video. She sat on a man’s lap and took her top off. The video starts revealing the woman’s face, and that’s where I saw your face.” I say quietly, still avoiding Mama’s eyes.

Mama sighs heavily. “Would you like to know something about me?”

“Joohyun,” Mommy stops her. “You don’t owe him anything –”

“I do though. Mirae already done his part, he told us everything truthfully, right?” Mama asks and I nod. Desire also nods. “I understand why he did what he did. You’re embarrassed by that video, aren’t you? You’re disgusted by it? You resent me.”

I stare at her, “It’s true then? It was you?”

“I will tell you everything if you’re willing to listen. If your opinion or feeling towards me change after that, I will un