The leaves of the trees had turned into pretty colors. Joohyun still remembers it pretty clearly. Seungwan had come knocking on Joohyun's door.

It wasn't unusual to see the younger girl giddy and excited but Joohyun senses something had changed. Joohyun remembers brushing it off.

Seungwan bounced on her toes as she pulled Joohyun up to one of her little dances around the room. She twirled and laughed with Seungwan, asking her what this was all about.

Then Sungwan opened  and Joohyun remembers how it felt when the cold swept into her bones.

"I'm dating someone," Seungwan had told her.

The trees outside swayed from the cold autumn breeze. Joohyun had wondered if she left the windows open. The warmth she felt from Seungwan's arms started to sting.

But as history had dictated Joohyun has never been one to resist Seungwan's smiles, even when everything inside her just wants to scream and cry.

"That's great, Wan-ah."

Her voice faltered but Seungwan is too far gone into her monologue about a pretty girl with pretty eyes and Joohyun couldn't really hear anything beyond the heavy hammer in her chest pounding painfully in her ears.

Joohyun doesn't remember when she had started falling for Seungwan, doesn't know how or why it happened.

Her Seungwan. Seungwan with a breathtaking smile and puffy cheeks with a shy dimple. Her best friend Seungwan.

The afternoon sun bounces on long dark hair that contrasts naturally milky skin, warm brown eyes sparkling. Joohyun still can't look away.

There was a hot mist of moisture in Joohyun's eyes that refused to fall. Maybe she doesn't have to know.




A couple of days pass and Seungwan doesn't waste any time introducing Joohyun to her girlfriend.

"My bestfriend," she tells Soojung.

Something inside Joohyun clenches and aches but still, she manages to put a smile on her face. Because really, that's what they are. She's Seungwan's bestfriend and that's what she will be.

Joohyun is her bestfriend. Soojung is the girlfriend.

Soojung who had Seungwan catering to her every whim and demand because they were in high school, young and happy and reckless and that's what love is supposed to be, isn't it?

Spritely, enigmatic Soojung who had men and women falling at her feet with her ice cold charisma gracefully melting at Seungwan's gentle smiles.

Joohyun understands all too well. It's funny how people with icicles for walls willingly submit themselves to someone with the warmth of the sun.

But understanding is different from accepting and that's just something Joohyun can't let herself do yet.

Soojung turns out to be athletic and artistic and intelligent and all the annoying things Joohyun can find in a person. She take Seungwan on rich people weekend trips that always leaves her giddily and excitedly sharing stories with Joohyun on their traditioned sleepovers.

Joohyun makes herself smile and nod and let Seungwan talk for hours, tries to bask instead in the brightness the girl exudes. It's unfair, Joohyun thinks, how much lovelier Seungwan looks when she's in love.

Her heart carves into itself as she closes her eyes, pretending to be reason for that beautiful smile at least in her dreams.




Seungwan now spends her time with Soojung a little more and Joohyun tells herself she's okay with that.

She could have left Seungwan, of course. Maybe give a little distance. Let herself get over all these feelings that threaten to explode whenever Seungwan as much as gives her that wide dimply smile that makes her look a little silly.

She did try it once but it hurt even more than seeing Seungwan being happy around someone who isn't her.

Joohyun reminds herself to breathe instead and put on a smile.

She braves through the days, the weeks, the months that turn to a year and pretends to be the best friend Seungwan deserves.

Still she must have let something slip once because suddenly, Seungwan pays a little more attention to her.

"Something's wrong," Seungwan tells her that day. "I'm going to fix it."

Joohyun only laughs wetly and hides the downwards tug of her lips on a warm cup of tea, a desperate attempt for warmth when her usual source is too far away even when she's sitting right next to her.

Seungwan makes true to her promise but there's really no point to fixing something when you don't know which part of it you broke.




She gets invited to a weekend trip, Soojung presenting the idea and generously paying for everything. They apparently came into the conclusion that maybe Joohyun was feeling left out. Seungwan smiles proudly and kisses her girlfriend like she's in love. Joohyun turns away.

She learns a lot that day. Joohyun learns how much happier Soojung makes Wendy, how intellectually matched the two are with their foreign backgrounds and academic interests. Joohyun learns her heart can still break even more than it already has just by watching Seungwan exchange shy glances and soft touches with a girl that's not her.

The couple tries to keep her involved, tells her they chose and designed the activities for the day to make Joohyun happy.

It's not like Joohyun can hate someone who genuinely wants her to be happy. She spends the day with Seungwan and Soojung, hiding her pain and her hurt in smiles and laughters.

Joohyun remembers the ski lift. She remembers getting on while Seungwan stayed behind at the bottom of the slope.

It was supposed to be a friendly race but Joohyun's always been competitive. Soojung flashes her a smile and all Joohyun can think of is that she can't let her have this one, too.

They come down in blurs and a lot of taunting from Joohyun, duly ignored. Joohyun pushes and pushes as she speeds up, uncaring of momentum and physics. Nothing else mattered in that moment.

Seungwan cheers on them alternatively until they reach the bottom, Joohyun tumbling in an undignified heap in contrast to Soojung's graceful finish.

She doesn't injure herself, thankfully. She also wins the race.

The victory leaves her feeling hollow as they all hobble back towards their cabin, Seungwan and Soojung walking arm in arm.

Joohyun closes her eyes and claws at the threads of self preservation, thinks about the win and forces herself to smile.

The winter wind blows and Joohyun lets the cold seep into her bones.