I hope you guys enjoyed the bonus chapter! We are back to the main plot now, not that the last chapter was a huge departure (but it was a reminder that Daehyun is a loud cheeky nuisance even if he doesn't act that way around Yongguk). BTW, I don't know how many of you saw this but "Yongguk chose Daehyun as the member who would look the best as a woman because he’s good looking and saw him with a wig before!" ...when exactly and under what circumstances was Daehyun wearing this wig, Yongguk? Hm? (Maybe he was auditioning to be in that Secret medely but Yongguk saw how cute he looked and forbade it.)

Anyway, as always thanks for the wonderful comments, they make my day! And hello to new subscribers!

(Finding pictures from each era means a lot of annoying scrolling, but I can't complain about the eye candy. Just look at Daehyun's pretty lips *_* )

October 2012

They finally had a couple of days off and Yongguk decides to waste the morning away in bed, listening to new music online while reading to distract himself. His eyes pass over the words and move on, taking in nothing. His mind is already too occupied.

Sometimes Yongguk feels burdened by the way the fans, even s, look up to him so much. He is no saint and doesn’t want to be painted as one. He tries to be a good person, and most of the time he succeeds. He is a responsible hyung, a good dongsaeng and son, and he is mindful not to be anything less than what his grandfather taught him when he was growing up: respectful, kind, and considerate.

But parts of him are often dark, and many of those parts come to life when his emotions become bigger than he can handle. It manifests itself in the way he feels things like love.  It’s all consuming, raw and perhaps more passionate than it is wise. He doesn’t like to give away parts of himself without knowing he can give away all of himself, and that is too much for most people to take. It’s too much for Yongguk to take, really, and that is why he shies away from intimacy and soul-bearing the way he does. Yongguk’s type of love is intense, too intense for most people, which is why the only two serious relationships he’d ever had had ended the way they did.

Even if Daehyun were receptive to the feelings that were steadily continuing to cut their way out of the locks he had placed them under, Yongguk is certain he isn’t ready for this particular brand of affection.

Yongguk could hardly be around the other man anymore without wanting to sink his teeth into the juncture of Daehyun’s neck, right by his collarbone, or run his hands through silken strands, pulling them back to expose a golden throat bared in submission. He wanted nothing more than to take the other apart slowly and expose every part of him to his want and need, uncensored and unchained. To run his hands across the slight curve of Daehyun’s hips, up and over until he was pulling the solid body safely back against his chest. Imagined scenes of grabbing the younger’s ankles as he lounged on the couch and forcefully dragging him to meet Yongguk’s body, of gripping the firm thighs to keep him there, were keeping Yongguk awake at night and dazed during the day. 

He felt he was slowly going mad with want.

He had tried to convince himself that it was just that; lust and nothing more. He felt sorry for thinking of the younger man in such a way, but that he could deal with, could fix. But lust was only part of the equation.

Because Daehyun would cross his vision, hair messy and face bare, mouth stuffed with bread while he rummaged through the fridge and Yongguk’s eyes still wouldn’t move. Or he’d be sitting in a car, on his way back from some errand, miles away from the younger man and the way a student on the street was laughing at something would remind him of the younger’s smile. Or the broken English spoken by a DJ on the radio would bring to mind Daehyun’s own struggles with pronunciation and the way he would cutely hide his face and yell in frustration at himself when he made a mistake. He would see, hear, and think things and wonder what Daehyun’s opinion would be, if he would agree with Yongguk or vehemently oppose, rambling on about what he thought.  

Yongguk had been in perfect control of himself, or so he had thought. The group was doing well, if exhausted, everyone was behaving (as much as could be expected, anyway), and they finally had a little bit of downtime now that they were done promoting ‘Crash’. If it weren’t for Killing Camp, Yongguk might have been able to keep up the iron walls he had put up against his wayward emotions. He might have been able to continue being so close the younger man without clenching his jaw and hiding the way his nails would dig into his palms to remind him not to drop his guard.

But Killing Camp had happened.

He had just barely refrained from grasping Daehyun’s cheeks and locking him into a kiss during the biscuit passing game. He had felt the younger’s legs as they wrapped around his waist, his arms wound trustingly around his neck, face in a smile as they formed the ‘P’ for the marine man’s challenge. And as much as Yongguk wanted to say it was brotherly instinct that made him grab Daehyun’s waist as he almost slipped from his lap during musical chairs, not wanting the younger to fall, he really just wanted to touch the other and pull him close the way he couldn’t any other time.

Other, more innocent memories also surface. The wide eyed expression of surprise on Daehyun’s face as the ominously dubbed Death Phone rang, the look of mischievous glee every time he conned one of the members during their challenges, the childish whining as they tried to win their meals for the night.

Yongguk was so lost in his reminiscing he didn’t notice the presence that had joined him on his bed until he heard the soft voice call his name, “Hyung?”

The clean, boyish scent he had come to associate with the Busan member permeates the cloudy mesh of his thoughts. Minty shampoo with a hint of vanilla lacing his skin, and the powdery scent of fabric softener clinging to his clothes. Simple. Fresh. Like the boy himself. A hand comes to gently lie on Yongguk’s arm, and his body seizes in response. Daehyun must notice the tension in his muscles because he withdraws immediately, a look of confusion and slight hurt in his eyes.

“Himchan-hyung wanted me to tell you he’s taking the others out for food. He wants to know if you’re coming or want anything.” Daehyun worries his lower lip, “You haven’t been eating much lately.”

Yongguk clears his throat, voice rough and tired, “You aren’t going?”

“Not if you aren’t.”

Yongguk doesn’t want to be abrasive and push the younger away, but Daehyun has begun to circle him a little too close for comfort lately and he needs to re-establish the status quo. He is a bad hyung, selfish and cowardly, he thinks. But he’d be a worse one if they got too close.

He avoids the younger man’s eyes as he slides past him and off the bed. “I can take care of myself, Daehyun-ah. Tell Himchan I’m fine. I’m going to head to the studio for a bit. You should go with the others, I’ll be back late.”

Daehyun wants to say that he’ll go with Yongguk to the studio, keep him company while he makes music, and maybe they could even create something together, but Yongguk is giving off obvious vibes and instead he backs off, “Should I save you someth-”

“No need.” Yongguk is gathering some things into a backpack, movements brisk.

Daehyun seems startled by the elder’s tone but nods, “Okay…”

His voice is subdued. Yongguk shoulders his bag and turns back to the singer, softening his voice, “It’s fine. I’m fine, Daehyun. Just need a little time to myself. Let’s go.”

The singer looks unsure but follows nonetheless. Yongguk heads downstairs with them and asks their driver to drop him off at their studio on their way to the restaurant. Himchan shakes his head at this, evidently displeased but unwilling to start an argument in front of the others, “Don’t work too hard, Guk.”

Yongguk slips out of the van, the weight of a gaze on his back following him out.

*          *          *

He’s alone in the studio, has been for the past couple of hours, and the clock reads nearly ten pm. He has nothing to show for his time; thoughts of Daehyun keeping him from focusing on anything but what it might be like to run a hand down the length of the singer’s spine, watch him arch into it and to be the only one allowed to do such a thing.

Yongguk runs a hand down his face, removes his cap and brushes through his hair before replacing it. His body is crackling with an energy he needs to release some way, and it doesn’t seem as if composing will accomplish that tonight. Looking down at his button-up shirt, artfully ripped jeans and designer sneakers, Yongguk decides he looks good enough to go out for a bit to burn off some steam.

He’s getting ready to leave when a knock sounds and a head peeks in to the studio. It’s Kang, and a couple of TS’s producers are behind him, “Ah, Yongguk. There you are. Done for the day?”

“Yeah…I was going to go out for a bit, actually. Before heading back to the dorms.”

Kang shares what he thinks must be a subtle look with the producers, Kibum and Jiwon.

“Hey, so were we!” Kibum states, “Gotta release a little tension, eh Yongguk?”

Yongguk resists the urge to roll his eyes, because TS might trust him enough, but it seemed they still wanted to protect their investment. He minds little, Kibum and Jiwon are alright and he’s not the type to get into anything too wild, anyway. “Yeah.”

Kang seems to relax a little at this, “Alright. Make sure you don’t stay out all night, alright? You might be on break, but netizens never are.”

*          *          *

Yongguk sips idly at his bottle of beer. It’s his second of the night, having preluded the frothy beverage with a couple of glasses of soju. Kibum and Jiwon were still watching him but they had relaxed into their own alcohol induced calm and didn’t seem to be too concerned about Yongguk.

He isn’t completely drunk yet, and has no intention to be, but there is definitely a fuzzy haze clouding his mind. They are at a relatively upscale club, seated at a secluded table on the upper level. Yongguk is well known in some circles, but the clientele at this establishment pay little attention to him and he welcomes the anonymity that it provides. He leans over to tell his companions that he is going to walk around for a bit, and they wave him off with promises that if he gets into trouble they would make sure he faced the consequences.

He’s still steady on his feet as he makes his way down the staircase that leads away from the tables to the dance floor below. Bodies writhe and twine around each other and Yongguk avoids the fray. He is no stranger to Seoul’s nightlife or the club scene, but he’s not exactly one for dancing. He accidently makes contact with a young man, petite and lean, swaying to the loud music. The man turns around, laughing as a friend winds their arms around his curvy waist, and his large eyes catch on Yongguk’s.

“Hyung?”

Yongguk looks away. He shakes his head to clear his mind and heads back upstairs. Jiwon is the only one seated at their booth, and Yongguk slides in beside him, downing the rest of his beer as quickly as he can.

Jiwon laughs, pointing to where Kibum is flirting with a woman who looks more interested in her drink than anything he has to say.

Yongguk finishes off his beer and leans back into the plush seating, “I’m ready to go whenever you are.”

“Eh? Oh, right.” Jiwon pulls out his phone, somewhat clumsily, and unlocks the device, “, yeah it’s past two am. Better get you home, idol boy!”

They leave, dragging a protesting Kibum with them, and instead of being unhappy with the prospect of cutting a night out short and going home, he is content to go back and wallow in his frustration.

As the city flashes past his window as the taxi carries them away, he sees a single face in his mind.

*          *          *

Yongguk clumsily unlocks the door to the dorm, slipping in as quietly as he can. The lights are off everywhere except for the kitchen, and Yongguk makes his way there.

He stops when the face he wants to see least is there, standing by the microwave, bowl in hand. The vocalist smiles in greeting, tired eyes lifting into crescents, “Hi, hyung. Had a good time?”

Yongguk isn’t all that drunk, but it’s enough to take some of the censorship out of his words and leave his usual softness by the wayside, “Why are you awake?”

If Daehyun is shocked at the rude tone he doesn’t show it. He shrugs and leans against the counter, “I got hungry.”

“At 3 am?”

“Is that so surprising? It’s me. Do you want me to make you something?”

Yongguk eyes the other and spots the concern behind Daehyun’s overly casual demeanour. In his inebriated state, the worry looks like mocking, and Daehyun’s entire presence is a taunt to Yongguk’s waning resistance.

“I don’t need a babysitter.”

“I didn’t-”

“Get to sleep.”

“But-”

Yongguk’s voice cuts like a knife, “That wasn’t a suggestion, Daehyun.”

Yongguk brushes past the younger man on his way to the bathroom without a backwards glance, pushing the wounded look on Daehyun’s face to another corner of his mind.

Is there anyone to heal my wound?
If i leave it alone, it's going to continually get worse
I'm really scared of love and people
I'm afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of being forgotten

Always a loner, I close the door to my heart
bearing my sadness on my back, I live like a fool
I close my eyes and cover my ears
I lock myself in the gloomy darkness

- 'Loner', Outsider

As I said, a mildly more serious chapter, but not too sad right?

I also wanted to mention that I will be continuing 'Love and Other Miraculous Cures', which will now be a series of one-shots! Please check it out if you haven't! It's pretty different from this story and is an office (?) AU.

Thanks for reading~