I got a disease

Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy, baby
I can't live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it?
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease

Disease - Matchbox 20

_________________________________________

December 2011

Daehyun is nearly falling asleep in the hairdresser’s chair as he awaits his turn at the salon. If it weren’t for Junhong’s excited chatter, the background noise of Youngjae’s game and the occasional car horn or passing laughter, he’d have been off to dream land ages ago. There was only a month left to their debut and the showcase, and filming for “Ta-dah” would begin shortly.

Junhong and Yongguk only needed their dye-jobs redone, but the others would be going blonde for the first time. Daehyun had heard Junhong’s scalp horror stories and is decidedly not looking forward to the harsh chemical process his locks would soon be made to endure. When their stylist called him over he sighed in resignation and made his way to the chair. Looking over at Himchan, head wrapped in foils and calmly reading a magazine, Daehyun wishes he had the ulzzang’s face. Surely Himchan could pull off any style they gave him. Daehyun was convinced he would come out looking unnatural; his skin was too dark, his face too coarse to handle such a bright, eye-catching colour.

The stylist seems to sense his apprehension and ruffles the boy’s hair lightly, “Relax. You’ll look precious. Girls will love it, Daehyun-ah, trust us.”

Daehyun pouts, “Noona, you act like I haven’t seen idols on TV before. I don’t know where you stylists get some of your ideas from…”

Daehyun laughs as the stylist slaps his arm and mock scolds him for his “insolence”, but his grin subsides as he notices Yongguk’s hard gaze from across the room.

Yongguk, Daehyun is convinced, does not like him. The leader is never outwardly rude or harsh, but it doesn’t take a genius to see that Yongguk seems uninterested in spending any time in Daehyun’s presence. Himchan had told him that Yongguk was just stressed, to not worry about the leader as he was socially awkward at the best of times, but Daehyun still feels a pang whenever he thinks of the leader’s recent indifference. He’s not sure what he did to inspire the animosity; Yongguk had been perfectly friendly earlier. Perhaps, the vocalist thinks, he only tolerated Daehyun’s company early on due to his position as leader? In any case, Daehyun decides there is little he can do about it and he allows the sensation of the stylists hands on his scalp to sooth away any feelings of inadequacy.

*          *          *

Yongguk is embarrassed at how petty he is. The sight of Daehyun smiling as the young woman combs through his hair with her fingers should not inspire as much rage as it does. Yongguk is an adult, and he is being ridiculous. This fledgling of a man should not be able to affect him the way he does.

Daehyun seems to notice his dark expression and as the younger turns away, sobered, Yongguk mentally curses himself and quickly schools his demeanor to reflect nothing as Jongup comes to sit beside him. The young dancer smiles at Yongguk before going back to watching Chris Brown music videos on his iPod and Yongguk takes the opportunity to calm himself and ignore the irrational part of him that still wants to rip Daehyun away from the stylist’s hands. He is beginning to resent any person that can interact so comfortably around the vocalist and when he noticed himself glaring at Junhong for leaning into Daehyun’s side as they watched a movie together the other day, he knew he needed to do something.

Yongguk is noticing that the disappointment he feels in himself is beginning to manifest itself into irritation at Daehyun, and that creates a cycle of guilt and anger that continues to spiral in his head even now. He knows he can’t keep holding the young vocalist at an arm’s length for much longer, not only is it noticeable, but Yongguk can admit that it’s simply beginning to hurt. He’s begun to see the way Daehyun curls into himself when Yongguk rebuffs him, however subtly. He didn’t think his little crush would last this long, and worse, morph into something a little deeper and more serious.

It won’t do to have such a glaring chasm in their group dynamic, and Yongguk resolves to make things right with the younger man. He’s the oldest, the leader, and he’ll just have to push his feelings aside and deal with them someway else, even if it kills him.

*          *          *

Hours later, Yongguk is distracted from the book he had been occupying himself with when he hears Jongup’s soft gasp.

“Whoa, hyung. You look amazing!”

A soft chuckle, “Really? I’ve never dyed my hair before, and I don’t know if blonde is really my shade…”

Himchan’s voice, “Ah, my Daehyunnie looks so cute!”

Daehyun’s voice is muffled when he replies, “Himchan-hyung, I can’t breathe.”

Yongguk is almost afraid to look up, but he does. Daehyun, having extracted himself from Himchan’s embrace, is rubbing his cheeks and glaring at the ulzzang as the elder combs though his newly dyed locks. Yongguk takes in the slight redness of his face, before looking up to the freshly styled hair.

The younger’s hair is arranged simply, but the bright, golden blonde the strands had been dyed make his skin glow an almost iridescent bronze. There is an enchanting, fey like quality to the look and as the vocalist’s doe-like eyes turn towards him, Yongguk swallows audibly.

“You look…good, Daehyun.” Curse his awkwardness…

Daehyun seems to deflate a little but quickly smiles in answer. “Thank you, hyung.”

Daehyun clears some space on the seat opposite Yongguk while they wait for Youngjae’s hair to be finished. Himchan drags the maknaes with him to grab everyone coffee and Yongguk is left alone with the vocalist for the first time in weeks. Daehyun is lazily flipping through a magazine, pausing every now and then to skim an article. Yongguk clears his throat, and speaks again.

“I mean it, Daehyunnie. You look very handsome.”

Daehyun looks up, shocked by the pet name. Yongguk continues, “I’m sorry if I’ve been…distant. It’s just that everything’s been so busy lately, and you seemed to finally get on so well with the others. I’m not exactly the most interesting guy to talk to, so I figured I’d let you be.”

“That’s not true!”

Several heads turn at Daehyun’s sudden exclamation and the boy winces and bows hid head apologetically before turning back to Yongguk, red-faced. “I mean, you’re very interesting, hyung. I just thought you didn’t like me. I’d love to talk to you more. Just, be around you more in general, really. I kind of miss having an older brother around…”

The guilt Yongguk feels at the younger’s statement is overshadowed only by the slight disappointment he feels at the word “brother”. He supposes it’s a good thing he knows exactly how Daehyun feels, even as part of him protests and demands he change that feeling. As they settle into a tentative dialogue, he ponders the word in his head.

Brother.

That’s what he will have to be.

*          *          *

Yongguk is aimlessly wandering around the halls of the studios. He isn’t inspired to do anything, but he doesn’t want to leave until he has at least written some lyrics or melodies down. He’s just about to give in to the hunger that he has been ignoring for the better part of the evening as the sounds of a familiar chorus permeate his thoughts.

Daehyun...

The boy’s voice is instantly recognizable and Yongguk is struck by the sadness and bitterness that seem to lace Daehyun’s notes. He finds himself transported back to days spent penning the lyrics, frustration and anger leaking into the ink he spilled with every word. Daehyun finishes the chorus and as the last words fade, Yongguk feels as though some darkened part of him is beginning to escape the chains of discipline he had locked into place. Something long dormant seems to have awakened at the vocalist’s dulcet tones and he has to physically shake himself from the daze he’s fallen into. He hears the vocalist singing through his rap verses now, soft voice drenched in anguish – a very different feel from the biting anger Yongguk performed those lines with. Daehyun was singing a different arrangement, a softer version of the song Yongguk had penned in pain and regret. All the feelings Yongguk had worked so hard to push down bubble their way to the surface once again as he listens to Daehyun sing, leaning up against the wall of the small practice room he had followed the voice to.

“Is that Daehyun-ah?” One of their producers suddenly stops in front of Yongguk and nods towards the closed door.

Yongguk startles and tries to look like it’s completely normal for him to be standing outside a closed door listening to Daehyun’s voice. “Yeah.”

The producer nods thoughtfully, “What do you say we have Daehyun sing ‘I Remember’ with you at the showcase?”

Yongguk is at once adamantly for and against this proposal. He swallows, “I thought Jieunnie was going to do it.”

“It is B.A.P’s showcase after all; more exposure for the members makes more sense than having Jieun do it. Besides, Daehyun-ah sounds really good. Let him know, will you Yongguk? I’ll set it up.”

Yongguk can only bow and agree as the man walks away, wondering how he is going to get through the private rehearsals and practices that are sure to follow.

He hisses when a sudden pain explodes at his elbow. Daehyun peeks out from behind the now open door, and his eyes widen.

“Omo, Yongguk-hyung? Are you alright?” Daehyun is at his side in an instant, hands soothing the redness developing on the leader’s skin. “I didn’t know you were standing there, sorry!”

Yongguk brushes off the vocalist’s apologies. “My fault. I shouldn’t have been. I was just…I heard you singing.”

Daehyun flushes, but smiles shyly. “It’s become one of my favourite songs. I just thought I’d try something different with it...”

Daehyun’s hands are still on his arm and Yongguk tries to ignore the burn where their skin is in contact. Daehyun notices their proximity and steps back slightly. “Sorry. You’re alright though?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, Daehyunnie. Say…would you mind singing ‘I Remember’ at the showcase with me?”

“Really, hyung?” Daehyun’s face is shining and the smile that stretches across his cheeks is enough to erase any of Yongguk’s misgivings. He chuckles and ruffles the younger’s hair affectionately.

“Really, Dae.”

*          *          *

Practice for the showcase and debut meant that the boys were on a steady schedule of 18 hour days. Daehyun and Yongguk would practice ‘I Remember’ in between rehearsals for their other songs; they were lucky that they didn’t have to worry about any extra choreography.

Daehyun seems to have an endless amount of energy. Yongguk wonders if it has to do with how much he eats. It is during one of their breaks and the two are chatting while the others are out to get food, having finished practicing their other numbers. Daehyun has returned to the talkative boy he originally had been around Yongguk and is currently explaining the finer points of the perfect cheesecake. Earlier that day, Junhong had asked the vocalist why he insisted on using girly, vanilla scented body wash and the younger had responded, “It reminds me of cake. And body washes don’t have genders, Junhongie, don’t be silly. Everybody loves cake.”

Yongguk isn’t sure if the younger’s obsession with all things edible is normal, but if it means he can stare at the vocalist while he passionately expounds the merits of dessert, he isn’t complaining. Daehyun’s lips are a pretty pink and the uniqueness of their shape continues to fascinate the elder. Yongguk imagines leaning in to the full upper lip into his mouth, biting it gently, and leaving indents that would bruise and remain long after his retreat.

His mind is wandering to other uses for the lush lips when Daehyun waves a hand in front of his face.

Daehyun tilts his head curiously, “What is it, hyung? Do I have something on my face?”

“No,” Yongguk replies, still just coming out of his fantasy, “It’s just…God, your mouth.”

Daehyun doesn’t pick up on the reverent tone and frowns, “Jeeze, hyung, if you wanted me to shut up, all you had to do was say so.”

“What? No -” Yongguk cuts himself off. The guilt that floods him is crippling and he feels nothing but disgust at himself. Daehyun doesn’t even know what he means, what he’s thinking. Yongguk knows Daehyun isn’t completely naïve, he’d had a girlfriend or two in high school, but overall Daehyun is still relatively innocent, not to mention the boy thinks of him as a brother. Of course he’d never conceive that Yongguk would think of him as anything besides his loudmouthed dongsaeng, and Yongguk shouldn’t be thinking of him any other way.

The elder stands abruptly and gathers his things. “I’m sorry, Daehyun-ah. I’m just really tired. I’ll see you at the dorm later, okay?”

He leaves before he can do anything stupid.

Yongguk can't get a grip!

I wanted to ask, how do you guys feel about the length of this chapter? I wondered if it might be too long, and I wanted to split it, but there wasn't a good place to do that. (On a side note, I added a month/year for timeline purposes and I think I'll go back and add them to the last chapters, too. It helps me from confusing myself.)

Also, I'm going to be posting a one-shot soon! It's Zelo-centric, but it's focused on the group as a whole, if that makes sense? I'd call it OT6. I love OT6 fics because they tend to be really funny and you get to enjoy the group dynamics, so I thought I'd try one. Please do check it out, I'll post it soon: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/614476/rock-hard-zelo-humor-bap-ot6-junhong