300 subscribers, I can't even believe it! Thanks guys! When I started this story, and I mean even before I started posting, Bangdae was such a small ship. It's definitely a litte more popular now, and I'm happy there are people out there who enjoy this little imagining of mine :D

Next update should be sooner than this one was~

Source

June 2013

Daehyun normally separates Yongguk his hyung from Yongguk their producer relatively easily in his head. They all do.

But things are different now.

He can’t help taking things a little more personally, and now, recording their next title track and the last song to be done for this next mini-album, his frustration is only increasing. He wonders if subconsciously some part of him is spiteful, if some part of him wants to hold Yongguk back from achieving what he wants so easily, and perhaps that’s why he can’t hit this god damn note anymore.

It feels like déjà vu, only he knows not to expect any kisses this time.

“You did it last week.”

Yongguk’s voice sounds over the system with a sigh and Daehyun has to remind himself not to scowl at him in front of their producers.

“Yes,” he responds, exceedingly polite, “I’m probably just not warmed up enough.”

“Let’s try it again.”

They pick up near the end of the song, where Daehyun is expected to belt out notes higher than any he’s done before and he wonders if this is Yongguk’s subconscious being spiteful, too, punishing him.

“Again.”

“Ah, Yongguk,” one of their producers rests a hand on the leader’s arm as Daehyun watches from behind the glass, the speakers making sure their words carry, “We have a little time, there’s only this part left. We can pick up again after he’s had some rest, before the Taiwan show.”

Yongguk shakes his head, “Again.”

Daehyun gulps down more water and returns to the mic. He gets close this time, but he can hear he is out of tune, slightly flat just before the big note.

“Again.”

Kang is sitting in the room, waiting to drive them back to the dorms now that everyone else has already left. He looks at Yongguk, a furrow in his brow and Daehyun feels a swell of affection for the older man when he sends an encouraging smile Daehyun’s way before addressing the leader.

“Yongguk, don’t you think you’re pushing a little too much right now?”

Yongguk looks right at Daehyun then, eyes intense but not without empathy. There is expectation there, but there’s also pride and something else Daehyun refuses to see right now.

“Because I know he can do it.”

He breathes, and settles.

This – B.A.P, their music, this song – is bigger than him, than he and Yongguk, and whatever is still between them. He doesn’t need Yongguk to push him; he will push himself because he’s not here to do anything less.

By the time they finish, Daehyun’s can’t speak without his voice sounding like someone has pulled a chainsaw through his throat.

“You worked hard, Daehyun-ah,” Yongguk says after their producers have left and Kang heads downstairs to pull the van up, “Thank you.”

Daehyun inclines his head, acknowledging.

“I wasn’t just for you.”

*          *          *

It’s not until Daehyun finds himself sitting in a chair during rehearsals for the concert in Taiwan that he realizes this will be something he will have to do. He will have to sing this song, sitting across from Yongguk, like art isn’t imitating life a little too closely.

He misses the first cue and bows in his chair in apology. He can see in his peripheral that Yongguk is looking at him, can feel the stare, but he doesn’t bother to see if it’s a plea or a warning that’s on the leader’s face. The music starts again and he runs through the familiar arrangement, one he sung for the first time so long ago, before debut, before concerts, before Yongguk was anything more than his leader and hyung.

He isn’t sure if he wants the tour to be over or not. It requires all his attention and energy and being on the road so much means less time back in their one bedroom dorm, a place where the elder is seeped into everything and is no longer his.

*          *          *

His birthday isn’t for some days, but he supposes that’s part of the surprise as Youngjae shoves his face into a perfectly good cake.

He can hear the others laughing somewhere, Yongguk included, and for that moment, he can forget everything else and just enjoy the fact that they, as six, are able to be together like this. He smiles, genuinely, at the cameras and the cake from his face, posing for pictures before he’s herded to the washroom to clean-up while the celebration begins.

He’s happy, convinces himself that this is enough, he has so much and there’s no reason to be moping. It works, for a time, but that’s before things start slowing down and his mind refocuses.

The small party winds down and Yongguk had already slipped out a few minutes ago, stating he would be going to bed. He had wished Daehyun a happy birthday, and Daehyun watched him walk away torn between wanting to claw at his back and pull him back in, or kick him on his way out. The others are playing a card game and Daehyun is watching, seeing nothing but Yongguk in his head.

Daehyun hasn’t drunk much at all, but combined with his exhaustion it’s enough to convince himself that he doesn’t miss Yongguk. He just misses his touch, his lust, and with that in mind he decides that if he can’t have all of Yongguk, then he can at least have something.

*          *          *

Himchan doesn’t try to stop Yongguk like he normally would when he takes his leave. Instead, he keeps an eye on Daehyun, passes him another slice of cake, cracks jokes, and tries to make sure the younger three don’t gorge themselves on sweets alone.

Daehyun pulls him aside towards the end of the night, leaning into his space and smelling cloyingly sweet, like the icing he’d been dunked in earlier.

“Hyung, can I sleep in your room tonight? I want to talk to Yongguk-hyung about something and I really don’t feel like walking upstairs after that.”

It’s a flimsy excuse. Himchan isn’t supposed to know about the whole situation and he definitely isn’t supposed to meddle. He knows Yongguk will likely kill him in the morning, but he thinks maybe what happened between the two will work itself out into a less tense situation if he gives them much needed privacy to talk it out. Still, he’s hesitant.

Daehyun pouts at the lack of an answer and nudges forward, head resting on one of his shoulders as he looks up at him.

“Please, hyung? It’s my birthday party and everything…”

Himchan sighs and rolls his eyes, “Alright, God, just put those lips away.”

“Thanks, hyung.”

Himchan lets him leave by himself to make the short walk up to his room after exchanging their key cards.

He hopes he won't regret this.

*          *          *

Yongguk is stripping out of his clothes, shirt off and pants ed, when the door opens. He’s facing the bed, folding his attire when he hears soft footfalls.

“I’m gonna shower first, Channie. I’ll be quick.”

Yongguk is expecting to hear a whine or a grumble of agreement, but what he gets are arms winding around his waist and the smell of vanilla and spice. He turns around in the circle of the other’s hold and is immediately met with plush lips against his and he finds himself responding automatically for the second it takes for him to realize it’s a bad idea.

He pulls away and hears a protesting moan fall from the other’s mouth.

“Daehyun, Dae, what the hell are you doing? Are you drunk?”

“Not nearly.”

Daehyun moves to kiss him again, but Yongguk pulls further back. This doesn’t seem to deter the vocalist, and the younger begins to kiss across his wide neck, nipping occasionally at the tanned skin.

Yongguk wishes he had enough will power to completely pull away but he’s not as strong as he wants to be.

“Dae,” he groans, “Stop this, please. You’re only making this harder.”

Daehyun knows that. Knows that this is reckless and stupid but he wants, yearns, for the elder constantly and at least for tonight he won’t.

“It was a mistake, right?”

The vocalist asks, running devious hands down Yongguk’s sides and lingering on the ridges of his ribs and the dips across his abdomen as the muscles jump under his attentions. He leans up and tilts his head, lips brushing the elder’s mouth.

“Then just let this be another one.”

Yongguk is weak. He’s weak, and a coward, and he hates himself for it, and as he takes in the sight of the vocalist stripping down to his bare skin, he says and does nothing but hate himself a little more.

Yongguk watches Daehyun sink to his knees with bated breath. Soft hands are sliding over the rough material of his jeans and pearly teeth latch on to the metal of his zipper, tugging it down as his eyes stay locked on to the elder.

An imploration, wrecked and desperate, “Please, hyung…”

Yongguk is sure damning oneself has never looked so good.

*          *          *

Daehyun’s ever reliable internal clock wakes him up obscenely early. He shifts slightly, wincing as his muscles protest at the movements. Their leader is a heavy sleeper, and combined with the exhaustion of the past weeks, it has left him thoroughly knocked out beside him. Daehyun’s body is sore, but sated; though the same cannot be said of his mind.

Sheets are strewn messily around them, keeping them tangled and drawn together, facing each other on their sides. Yongguk’s arm is lying across his waist, loosely trapping him against the elder’s chest. Daehyun shivers at the memory of these very same arms maneuvering him just hours ago, the actions harsh one minute and gentle the next. Yongguk had pinned and bitten just as much as he had kissed and caressed, and the entire experience had left Daehyun more inebriated than any alcohol. His head is tucked beneath the elder’s chin on the pillow and his bare legs brush against the rapper’s, still clad in jeans. Daehyun finds himself enjoying the texture against his skin and subconsciously moves closer, before stopping to make sure his movements haven’t woken the elder. Leaning back, he takes in the sight of his leader’s face in the faint light seeping in through the curtains. One look at the sleeping face of the man that had caused him immeasurable joy and crippling pain has him clumsily abandoning the bed and locking himself in the bathroom.

He spends the next twenty minutes sitting under the running shower, bruised knees pulled up and arms wound around them in a lonely mimicry of an embrace. The heat soothes away the physical aches, but he can still taste the saltiness in the water that runs down his face.

*          *          *

Yongguk is awakened by the sound of the shower running and the previous night comes back to him in a torrential rush. A moment of weakness and he’s right back where he started.

He holds his head in his hands, shutting out the early daylight streaming in from the window. He doesn’t even have it in him to regret it, finding that any moment with the vocalist was like another hit to an addict far past rock bottom. He can still feel silken skin against his palms, pleading whispers and soft lips against his ear. Once the dam had been opened again, Yongguk found he couldn’t stop himself. Months of the Busan beauty being all his and then not having him at all had left in him a desire stronger than any he felt before, and it was all he could to do keep some semblance of control. The previous night Yongguk had unleashed all his inward frustrations and anger onto the young singer, channelling it into a roughened passion that, for whatever reason, the other boy had allowed and even begged for.

The bathroom door opens.

Daehyun emerges wearing boxers and rubbing a towel across his hair. He doesn’t spare a glance at Yongguk on the bed and instead walks over to a bag that he hadn’t noticed last night. Yongguk recognizes it as Daehyun’s own, and the vocalist sifts through it, pulling out some clothes. Daehyun’s skin is a warm caramel under the light of dawn and Yongguk can see the discolouration on his hipbones and a few other bruises littered across the skin of his torso.

“Are you going somewhere?”

Yongguk’s voice is a low rumble and it evokes a shiver down Daehyun’s spine like the one his fingertips had caused the night before. Daehyun glances his way, and for a second there’s a flash of something in his eyes, but it is quickly replaced by bland indifference. The younger’s voice is slightly hoarse when he speaks and Yongguk is reminded of the feel of the younger’s throat against his palm, pulse fluttering as his hand kept a gentle hold.

“The gym. Probably didn’t need to bother with the shower beforehand, but…well.”

He watches Daehyun slide on a white V-neck and a pair of sweats. Yongguk isn’t sure what to do in the face of such nonchalance, especially from someone like Daehyun. The younger’s uncharacteristic casually detached demeanor and stiff movements are both deceptively casual and starkly unwelcoming.

The vocalist grabs his mp3 player and a small towel and then slips on a pair of trainers. He brushes his hands through his hair, coaxing the strands Yongguk had harshly tugged out of place into some semblance of neatness. Grabbing his duffle, he turns to the door.

“Later, hyung.”

As the vocalist begins to walk away, Yongguk speaks.

“Dae, wait…about last night…”

The vocalist pauses briefly, face carefully blank as he peers back over his shoulder.

“Don’t worry about it. A mistake, right?”

He’s gone before Yongguk gains back his voice.

*          *          *

As soon as the door closes behind him, Daehyun allows his face to fall and walks briskly towards the elevator. The hotel is quiet, too early in the day for most people to bother with consciousness. The gym is empty, as he had hoped, and as he powers up a treadmill he allows the music in his ears and the pain in his limbs to chase away any other thoughts.

Unsure whether it’s because of the painful memory but I go on by emptying my heart.
Lucid hearts are defective products of this world. That’s why I badly want to taint mine.
They tell me that if you love, you start to take after each other; maybe I want to take after you a bit.

- Bad, Tablo feat. Jinsil

For an extra punch of Bangdae feels, one can never watch too many 'I Remember' fancams.

And there's never enough of Dae getting cake to the face.

Thanks for reading!