Hi everyone! I've been asked if I will continue to write given the current situation with B.A.P, and the answer is yes, I will continue with both this story and 'All's Fair', but I probably won't be starting anything new for the time being.

The only thing I want to say here is that I hope all us fans can give B.A.P lots of love right now and in the future. That's what they need most and what I think they will appreciate most. If you ever feel so angry/upset about the issue that you want to be hateful, please send B.A.P something sweet instead. Being rude to anyone (yes, even TS) will not help the boys at all and in fact will likely hurt them. I'm on tumblr if anyone wants to talk further. 

I hope you guys are still reading, and for those who are, I hope this distracts you a bit ♥

Source

October 2013

There’s a picture on Daehyun’s phone, locked among hidden folders and an extra password, taken during one of his braver moments of spontaneity.

Yongguk is shyly looking down, a familiar gummy grin on his face. Daehyun is turned towards him, eyes closed, lips puckered, and pressed flush against the elder’s cheek as his arm extends off camera to hold up the device.

Daehyun’s face is illuminated by the screen as he stares at the image now, lying alone on the hotel bed. It’s one of the only tangible things that remains of their secret, the only proof Daehyun has that he hadn’t dreamt up the past year.

Daehyun had never been in love until he’d fallen so unexpectedly and deeply for Yongguk, and he still is. Still hangs on to his every word like he’s dangling from a string, and Yongguk might have cut that string knowing he’d land somewhere soft but that doesn’t make the fall any easier.

And Daehyun’s still falling.

*          *          *

When they get back to Korea, Yongguk confirms their schedule before locking himself in the studio. It’s cowardly, almost childish, and Himchan had looked less than impressed when he’d asked the man to keep an eye on Daehyun for him.

I’ll talk to him, he’d said, I just need to figure out what to say.

What could he say, though? He could apologize and explain himself and it wouldn’t change a thing. He couldn’t say what he really wanted to, it would negate his purposes for ending things in the first place. It had been so many months already. He’d hoped Daehyun would be hurting less but looking at it now, he supposes that was a naïve hope when he is still hurting, too.

He leans back in the chair with a heavy sigh, swiping across the screen of his phone as he scrolls through his SNS accounts. There’s a picture of Daehyun, lips pouty and hair styled up like Yongguk’s hands had run havoc on the locks.

Not everything is about you, he reminds himself wryly, Daehyun’s voice echoing in his head.

That kind of selfish thinking was what got him into this mess. A beautiful mess, he thinks as he stares down at the picture once more. But that wasn’t quite right, was it? Daehyun had been untainted before he came along and ed things up.

He was the stain here.

*          *          *

Daehyun wraps himself in his coat, hood pulled up over his head as he stares out at the city. The mug of hot tea keeps his hands warm and he watches the steam rise out of the top and disappear.

He misses Yongguk.

It’s strange, to miss someone you see every day, that you live and work with, but there was no other way to describe the feeling. He doesn’t just miss their relationship, he misses Yongguk as his leader and hyung, too. Sometimes he thinks about bridging the gap again but he thinks it would feel too much like they’re pretending and he’s never liked doing that. It will take time, but he’s never been particularly patient.

Had it really been almost a year since that first kiss?

He’s brought out of his thoughts when he hears the sound of the rusty door squeaking open and a figure steps out, squinting before cursing and walking towards him.

“You’re a hard man to find, Jung Daehyun,” Himchan huffs, gingerly taking the spot beside him, “Well, not really. Normally I hear you a mile off, but I’ve always wanted to say that.”

They sit in silence for a moment, Himchan snapping a few shots of the cityscape while Daehyun finishes off his rapidly cooling tea.

“So,” he begins, setting his mug down and tucking his hands up into his sleeves, “What’s up?”

Himchan looks at him, opens his mouth like he’s about to say something and then stops. The elder man lets out a sharp breath before he finally does speak.

“Yongguk writes great songs but ninety percent of the time, he’s actually at saying what he wants to say.”

Daehyun feels his pulse start jumping as he his lips nervously, looking away from Himchan as the man stares at him.

“Okay?” he says, “I don’t know why you’re suddenly telling me that...”

Himchan takes his hand then, squeezing and warming it up between his palms, voice low, “It’s okay. I know. Yongguk didn’t say anything, I figured it out. It’s fine. Okay?”

Daehyun blinks rapidly as he sorts out the thoughts in his head, mind in a jumble. His relationship with Yongguk had always been just theirs, and while sometimes he’d wished they could be less secretive, there had been something special about everything about it being so very personal.

“And don’t worry,” the ulzzang continues, “it’s not obvious or anything.”

“Oh…” he relaxes minutely. Himchan certainly didn't look like he wanted to kick them out of the group so he nods slowly, "Okay, but…why didn’t you tell me?”

Himchan seems to ponder his next words carefully, “Yongguk…didn’t want you to be affected by it. He thought maybe you wouldn’t be comfortable with anyone knowing right now.”

Daehyun scoffs, feeling himself getting worked up again, “He can’t decide that for himself! If he just talked to me, told me-”

“Hey, hey,” Himchan squeezes his hand once more, “I didn’t come here to rub in salt. Remember what I just said? I don’t know what Yongguk told you, but I know that whatever his reasons for starting this, his reasons for ending it are all to protect you.”

Daehyun looks down at his lap, feeling the sting all over again.

“He said it was a mistake, hyung.”

“You don’t believe that. He doesn’t believe that. You know him, Daehyunnie. Would he ever set out to be that callous?”

Yongguk not meaning to hurt him didn’t change the fact that he did. He can recognize he’s being stubborn, but he can’t help it. Himchan considers him for a moment before wrapping an arm around his shoulders, tugging him close as he speaks into Daehyun’s hair.

“I’m not telling you not to be upset or angry with him. But I’d hate to think you’re under the impression that Yongguk doesn’t feel for you the same way you do for him.”

Daehyun ponders this as they remain on the roof for a few minutes more, before Himchan insists his is frozen to the ground and makes Daehyun help him up. The walk downstairs is quiet and so is their dorm, most of the lights off. They are shrugging off their jackets when they hear a something shatter in the kitchen.

Himchan follows him as he walks into the space cautiously, the light faint.

Yongguk is standing at the kitchen counter, a glass broken on the floor as he steadies himself.

“Guk, what the ?” Himchan hisses, rushing over to help his friend step over the shards and into the living room.

“ ‘S all my fault,” Yongguk mumbles, eyes half lidded and on their way to falling shut.

Himchan sighs as he helps the eldest lie down and as soon as Yongguk’s head hits the arm of the couch, he falls asleep.

Daehyun eyes the empty bottles with a frown as Himchan joins him at the counter. It was a good thing the members slept so deeply.

“There isn’t even much here, but he must have gone through it so fast,” the ulzzang says, picking up the bottles and stepping outside the dorm to dispose of them.

“He’ll be okay, right?” Daehyun asks when Himchan returns minutes later, sending a wary glance over to the living room.

Himchan nods, “Yeah, it’s not enough to be dangerous, but he’ll be hungover as hell tomorrow.”

Daehyuns breathes out slowly then, nodding, “I’ll take care of this.”

Himchan quirks a brow at him, “You sure?”

“Yeah,” he smiles slightly, “we can barely get you up in the mornings as it is. It’s fine, go to bed.”

Himchan leaves with far less protest than he’d anticipated and Daehyun begins picking up the larger pieces of glass before sweeping up the rest. He does a final check of the floor before finding a bottle of pain killers in the cupboards and a water bottle, and setting both on the coffee table in front of Yongguk.

He eyes the elder’s face for a bit, the downturned line of his lips and brow furrowed even in sleep. He heads to the bathroom and returns with a fresh washcloth, dampened with warm water. He runs the cloth over Yongguk’s forehead and cheeks, down his neck and collarbones and wiping the sweat away. Yongguk shivers slightly at the initial coolness and Daehyun pulls the collar of his hoodie up around his neck.

He hesitates, flushing slightly, when he undoes the buckle on Yongguk’s belt, removing the stiff jeans from the elder’s slender legs and leaving him in his roomy boxers. He fetches a couple of blankets and Yongguk’s pillow from their room, tucking the ends around Yongguk’s body as the elder subconsciously turns onto his side and into Daehyun’s body heat.

He brushes the hair out of Yongguk’s eyes, smoothing out his brows gently. Finally, he leans forward and plants a kiss on Yongguk’s cheek, pausing before he drops another one on his lips.

“Goodnight, hyung.”

*          *          *

When Yongguk wakes to an alarm on his phone at ten, there are two texts waiting for him. The first is from Himchan.

Took the kids out for breakfast. Practice is at noon, meet us there.

The second, he’s surprised to see, is from Daehyun.

Check your pillow.

Yongguk frowns. He reaches towards the pillow, lifting it and shaking around. He finally feels a crinkle in the cover and reaches in, pulling out a folded up piece of paper.

I’ve always been kind of a brat. I guess you know that already. My mom used to say that I feel too much and I never understood that, but I guess she was right. Maybe I felt all this too much, I don’t know. I know I don’t regret it.

I can’t say I don’t understand at least a little. But that doesn’t mean that I have to agree. Or that I have to like it. Or that part of me isn’t still incredibly angry with you. But I’m sorry for being difficult. I think you deserve it, even just a little, but I shouldn’t have acted the way I did and I won’t continue.

Soon, we’ll have been apart for longer than we’d ever been together, and eventually, we’ll get over this. At least, I hope so.

Or maybe I don’t, not really, but that’s how these things should go, right?

I’ll ask for your forgiveness this time, because you already have mine.

The words blur slightly in front of him and as he blinks to refocus, the letters and their ink bleed. He rubs at his face, unsure of which ache to focus on.

He hadn’t been completely gone last night, but he’d drank so quickly. He remembers Himchan guiding him to the sofa, falling asleep there. Seeing the bottle on the coffee table, he downs a couple of pain killers and gingerly begins to leave his cocoon of blankets. He recognizes Daehyun’s, his scent embedded in one of the few blankets the younger liked to keep on his bed, now draped over Yongguk. He’s almost reluctant to step out of the pseudo-shelter, but forces himself up to get ready for the day.

When he gets to the practice room, the rest of the group are already there, sprawled out in various spots. Junhong is dancing in a corner already, some spontaneous routine and Yonguk silently envies his energy as he sets his things down on a bench.

Daehyun is sitting nearby, munching on an oat bar and regarding him quietly. Yongguk wants to say something, before practice begins and the moment is gone, but Daehyun beats him to it and holds out a bottle of water.

“Here, hyung. You look like you need it.”

Yongguk takes the offered drink, returning Daehyun’s half-smile.

“Thank you.”

*          *          *

Later that night, Yongguk finds himself sitting in their living room after everyone else has gone to sleep, headphones in and notebook open as he gets lost in another memory.

There’s an audio clip on his laptop.

It begins with distinct breathless laughter and then Daehyun is speaking, quietly, the way he always does around the leader; his accent settling somewhere between Seoul and Busan

A deeper murmur, Daehyun clearing his throat, and another laugh.

Then singing.

Soft and casual, the way Daehyun always sings when he’s making the notes up as he goes along. It’s jazzy in a way, reminiscent of the artists Yongguk had recently taken a liking to, melodic hops and dips in tone weaving in and out of the main melody.

In the end, I tell you to take care and forcefully hide my heavy heart, you don’t know

It’s not that easy to empty you out

In the end, I ask to hug you so I hugged you and forcefully moved my heavy feet, this isn’t right

It’s not that easy to empty you out

Yongguk had only sketched out the bridge and a bit of an imagined chorus at the time, but the verses come to him now, falling from him as easily as water down a slide.

The recording continues. His pen hangs suspended over his notebook when his head is filled with the sound of his own voice joining in, weaving around Daehyun’s until they are braided together. High and low, soft and rough, sweet and sad.

I’m okay, I’m not okay, I’m not not not okay

I’m smiling but I’m not okay, I’m not not not okay

When I turn the lights on in my room
Will someone hug the lonely me?
The ramen that I cook so badly
Who will eat it with me now?
You were the type who hugged me and said I wasn’t a quiet and cold person
When my hands were so cold that you didn’t let go all night
I miss it, I feel so frustrated today

In the end, I tell you to take care and forcefully hide my heavy heart, you don’t know (you really don’t know)
It’s not that easy to empty you out
In the end, I ask to hug you so I hugged you and forcefully moved my heavy feet, this isn’t right (really isn’t right)
It’s not that easy to empty you out

Saying that I’ll forget you is so easy
I hate myself for trying to forget you
I feel like a fool even during the moment of separating
I say things I don’t even mean with a smile (woo baby baby)

I’m OK, I’m not OK, I’m not not not OK
You’re still so deep inside my heart lady
I’m smiling but I’m not OK, I’m not not not OK (oh baby baby)
Your familiar scent still lingers in me

- Easy, B.A.P

EDIT: I posted this in a rush and forgot that I wanted to include that this is kind of what I thought the picture on Dae's phone would look like, (it's GDYB being cute). That is all. 

Thanks for reading <3