Man, I had no idea what to title this chapter.

I hope everyone had a great holiday season and New Year's!

****All the bolded quotations in the Starry Night interview are from the actual interview and credit goes to pinkgomdori on YouTube, who translated and subbed the interview. I've included links to the segments I used at the end.

Daehyun can barely remember their first performance at a music show; it’s a blend of chaos and adrenaline. Performing multiple times a week takes its toll, and their manager tells them it will get easier the more they do it. He supposes this is true, the more seasoned idols are relaxed and joking with each other backstage, while Daehyun still needs someone to remind him where exactly he is and where he will be going next.

Daehyun stays close to the leader during these promotions. The world of music shows, interviews, and large performances is still extremely new and Yongguk’s grounding presence comforts him more than anything else. He remains by the elder’s side when he can, finding calm in the leader’s steady voice. They are on another music program, and Daehyun is beginning to lose count of the days they have spent being carted from studio to studio.

Yongguk, on the other hand, is in a rare playful mood. He isn’t sure what it is, but he just can’t keep still. He notices Daehyun sneaking peeks at him every so often as they stand behind the hosts and Spica. In a spontaneous bout of affection, Yongguk swings an arm around Daehyun’s shoulders, rocking him back and forth. As the hosts continue to speak, Yongguk grabs Daehyun’s hand. The vocal’s eyes flicker towards him in confusion as he manipulates the younger’s fingers into a V sign and waves at the camera. Daehyun smiles but looks down in mild embarrassment as his heart thuds loudly enough for him to wonder if everyone can hear it.

Yongguk tucks the warm image of the vocal’s shy smile and flushing face away for a rainy day.

February 2012

Radio shows are a little more comfortable for Daehyun, there is less worry about how to stand, how to move, even how you look in general. They are on a viewable broadcast on Younha’s Starry Night, and the conversation is flowing better than they were used to. Daehyun is once again seated at Yongguk’s side, snug in his layers of clothing inside the warm studio.

They are well into their interview when Himchan is posed with a question during their ‘Truth Game’.

In B.A.P, who is the member that is shrouded in mystery with lots of personal secrets?

Himchan looks around at the members and considers his answer for a few seconds, before deciding on Daehyun. He explains Daehyun’s late addition to the group and the lack of time they had spent getting to know each other. “I've spent over a year or so with some of the kids, but I've only spent seven months with Daehyunnie, and so I still don't know much about him.”

Daehyun accepts the answer with a carefully blank face. It’s true, and he wishes that it wasn’t, but they had so little time to just hang out, the way new friends normally would, so there were still gaps in his relationships with some of the members.

“So are you two distant from each other?” Younha asks.

“We don’t reveal personal secrets to each other, so that’s why I think he said that.” Daehyun answers. Daehyun can feel Yongguk’s heavy gaze on him as he speaks, “After I came up to Seoul, I tried my best to fix my way of speaking and tried my best to pretend to be a Seoul person. As I tried to do this, I think maybe he saw a side of me that wasn't me. So that’s why I think he feels that way.”

Daehyun still thinks about how he had hid so much of himself back then, worried about never gaining acceptance from his group mates. It seems silly now, but back then, Daehyun had thought he could keep up the act, that it was necessary in the first place. The idol world was cutthroat, he had been warned. And while that certainly was true, he was lucky to have been grouped with the boys he now called brothers.

Next, it’s Daehyun’s turn to pick a question. “In B.A.P who is the member you are pretty awkward with if the two of you are alone?” He picks the name of the person who is answering, and is greeted with his own name, “Oh, it’s…it’s me.”

There is laughter in the studio and Daehyun wonders how to answer the question. He’s not really awkward with anyone anymore, but his eyes instinctually flicker towards Yongguk. Despite being quite friendly with each other, Yongguk still maintained a distance with him that he didn’t have with the others.  “Honestly, with Yongguk-hyung we have this 'Let's respect each other’s personal space' thing.”

Yongguk looks down as he hears Daehyun’s answer, face blank, and Daehyun begins to feel nervous, “So about that...a wall...instead of a wall...”

The others laugh as his voice breaks slightly and Daehyun’s peripheral informs him Yongguk’s head is still bowed. Daehyun wants to backpedal so he tries to clarify, “Instead of a wall, we have a 'Let's respect each other’s personal space' thing. With the dongsengs or with Youngjae, who's the same age as me, there's nothing like that but he is our leader. And hyung has this heaviness about him so we have this 'Let's respect each other' thing.”

Yongguk decides to help the younger out, though he can’t deny the slight sadness he feels at the answer, “I'm a bit blunt so I can't express myself well. Yeah...to the members. Since I'm the oldest hyung, there are a lot of times where I have to be the pillar of the group. There are times when I want to be easy going with the dongsengs, but I can't. When they need to be punished I have to punish them firmly. So more than being authoritative... I honestly don't want to be that way but there ends up being more times when I do. So as a result I think the dongsengs feel a bit awkward and overburdened with the 'big hyung'.”

Daehyun can tell that Yongguk is trying to explain himself to him, that maybe he’s sorry for the way he can never seem to bridge that final length of distance between them. He wants to make eye contact, or squeeze Yongguk’s arm in gentle reassurance but he isn’t sure whether that’s appropriate. The interview goes on and Daehyun tries to ignore the slight weight in his chest.

*          *          *

Yongguk ponders over the radio show as they head home for the night. He knows he shouldn’t let Daehyun’s answer upset him, it was true after all. Although he and the vocalist interacted quite a lot, it never went beyond a certain point, never went into the uncharted territory of effortless play and unthinking affection. Yongguk tries not to envy the way Daehyun can fool around with Himchan, an atmosphere of comfortable familiarity surrounding their interactions. The way that he and Youngjae just seem to click and how they bounce off each other in their spirited interactions. Junhong gets Daehyun’s doting and Jongup his attention, and amongst all that sometimes Yongguk feels like he gets nothing. He knows that much of it has to do with the younger’s immense respect for him, and the high regard he has for Yongguk. But Yongguk doesn’t feel that he deserves such standing in the other’s eyes, and rather wished that Daehyun would treat him just the same even if something always stopped him from crossing that distance.

As he settles down for the night, dongsengs sound asleep all around him, he wonders if the authority he wants to maintain can take a little blurring of the lines.

March 2012

Promoting Secret Love had been a bit of a reprieve after the intense performances that were required of them during Warrior. But they had a steady comeback plan for 2012 that meant that even when promotions for a single were winding down, they were already working on the next one. Secret Love had been meant as a way to keep them in the public eye without wearing them out too much, but their next single spared no prisoners.

If the choreography for Warrior had been difficult, then it had all been a mere warm-up when compared with ‘Power’.

Daehyun, along with Himchan and Youngjae, is splayed out on his back in their practice room, chest heaving and mouth dry. He smiles appreciatively at Jongup, who walked over to hand him and the others bottles of ice cold water, but the expression soon morphs into a pained grimace. Junhong is still hopping around, dancing even without music, but even Daehyun’s facial muscles are protesting.

“Jonguppie, can’t we take a break for a little while?” Daehyun tries to look as meek and pitiful as possible. He and Jongup had become quite close as the younger was always helping him out with his dancing, and he knew their resident muscle man, despite his sweet and easygoing nature, was a slave driver when it came to dance practice. Possibly because he really was a robot made for dancing; he was never worn out himself, but Daehyun was still working on that theory.

Jongup smiles serenely, barely sweating and looking as if he still has all the energy in the world, “Sorry Daehyun-hyung, but Yongguk-hyung said he wanted us all to practice until he gets back from that meeting.”

Daehyun frowns and tiredly lifts himself off the floor, leaning back on his hands, “Tch, as if Yonggukkie-hyung doesn’t need the practice himself…”

Jongup’s smile remains on his face, but his expressions shifts slightly and Daehyun’s frown deepens, “What? It’s true, you know, he’s no dancer and-”

“And that,” A deep voice sounds, “Is why he’s back here with his dear group mates, insolent as they may be.”

A hand is carding through Daehyun’s hair moments later, grabbing the strands slightly to pull the vocal’s head back. Daehyun is met with the leader’s amused face, looking down at him from above as his head is tilted back and he swallows. Ignoring how much he enjoys the gentle grip, he smiles sweetly, “Hi there, hyung.”

Yongguk eyes the strained line of the younger’s throat, abruptly letting go and ruffling the Busan boy’s hair roughly to distract himself, “Brat. Come on guys, let’s get another hour in before lunch.”

Daehyun sighs, but stops himself when he meets Yongguk’s face, brow raised, as if daring him to say anything. He smiles again in response, this time less for endearment and more genuine. Yongguk is tough but there is no anger behind his admonishments and Daehyun might be a brat, but he’d follow Yongguk no matter what he told him to do, no questions asked.

Yongguk’s eyes soften as he turns away, recognizing the silent apology. He doesn’t like to push his group mates, because they are all hard working, and it feels excessive. But perfection doesn’t come from contentment, and he doesn’t want their efforts to go to waste because they couldn’t compete with everyone else. He checks on Youngjae to make sure the other vocal is alright as well and when the younger man nods in reassurance he begins the music again.

The choreography is brutal; high kicks, fast moves and even faster vocals. It meant they were out of breath more often than not, and that made for a rough vocal performance. They leave with instructions from their trainers and choreographers to increase their stamina, and Yongguk couldn’t help but smile when the others groaned in complaint.

“We’ll break for lunch, and then we’re going to hit the treadmills in the gym. We’ll sing along while running, and I want the vocals to be seamless, we can worry about getting the moves sharp afterwards.” Yongguk says, as they begin to pack up their stuff heading to the lunch room.

Himchan groans and pokes Yongguk’s stomach, scowling as the hardened abdomen flexes in response, “Aw, Guk, why do you gotta be like that?”

Daehyun grins as he skips by, stomach already anticipating the food, “Himchannie-hyung shouldn’t complain so much.”

Himchan grabs the younger around his waist, pinching the narrow sides as the vocalist laughs and attempts to squirm away, “You’d better watch it, little Jung. With all that food you put away, you’ll have to live on a treadmill soon enough.”

“Is hyung jealous?”

“Hyung is going to kick your .”

Yongguk shakes his head at the two’s antics, but feels envy bubble up once more as he observes the two. He especially envies Himchan’s hands, as they move from the boy’s waist up to his shoulders and guide him towards the cafeteria, chattering as he goes. His jealousy is soothed when Daehyun sits beside him and fills the his plate before his own, smiling innocently as he does so and laughing at Himchan’s complaints he isn’t being treated the same.

Links:

Starry Night Interview segments, Part 6 and Part 7

Yongguk being cute with Daehyun behind MC's backs (Couldn't find the exact video or gifs with the V sign moment, but you've probably seen them around. Yongguk is oddly happy at the beginning though, and then there's a little Bangdae at the end, here's the moment and the source of the gif!)

And we're slowly moving along... I was writing some scenes for later, and there will likely be some rated content. Not super explicit the way you might be used to seeing, but still mature so...there's that.

Thanks for reading and commenting and subscribing, and as always, I love to hear what you guys think. I read all of the comments, and I've been responding to all of them, but I might not be able to do that all the time anymore. But I definitely read every single one, so thank you!