I am so sorry this took forever OTL I was a little busy towards the end of the new year and the start of this one but then I just became lazy with the fic. I think part of it is b/c it's coming to an end and I'm hoping the ending is good! With that said, the next chapter is going to be the last chapter~

Thank you all for sticking with this for so long, I hope you enjoy this update!

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December 2013

Himchan’s arm rests behind him on the sofa as his fingers tug briefly at the short strands of Daehyun’s hair. It’s the vocalist’s favourite kind of affection: casual, thoughtless, and not sentimental enough to be embarrassing. They’re in the lobby of their hotel in Tokyo, spread out on the chairs there while management and Yongguk are busy checking them in.

“How are things?”

Daehyun sends an amused glance the ulzzang’s way at the attempt at subtlety, “Things? Things are fine, hyung.”

Himchan nods and his hand squeezes Daehyun’s shoulder when he lets out a small sigh.

He’s embarrassed that it’s so obvious to Himchan he still isn’t over their leader. It had been months, as long as they’d been together in the first place. Surely he should have washed these feelings away by now.

“They’re fine,” he repeats in a whisper, eyes trained on Yongguk’s form, leaning casually against the counter while Seokgu talks to the receptionist.

He looks away when Yongguk’s gaze wanders around the room, stopping at each member to catalogue their locations. He thinks maybe Yongguk spends a little longer on him but he doesn’t want to know for sure. He likes to keep the possibility open.

At times Yongguk could be so wrapped up in his art and his mind, indifferent to everything around him unless something urgent yanked him out of his spell. Other times he would take one look at Daehyun and the younger knew he was the only thing in the elder’s mind in that moment. Those were the moments they’d find solace alone and Yongguk would kiss him until he could feel it in his every nerve. It was in Yongguk’s nature to throw himself into something to the exclusion of all else. Daehyun loved being the focus of that passion, having all that attention to himself. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a little needy and it was somewhat of a surprise that he’d fit with someone like Yongguk so well.

It wasn’t much easier now than it had been when the wound was still fresh. He’d only gotten better at handling himself. Still, rarely a day went by when he didn’t think about how easy it would be to slip back into Yongguk’s space, like water through cracks. He doesn’t think Yongguk can say no to him and that’s part of their problem. Neither of them is willing to completely shut that door.

He has plenty to distract him from it, even if it did little. They’d be in Japan for a couple of weeks for their last concerts of the year and then it would be bouts of heavy recording for their first full album. Yongguk had been spending every spare hour with their composers, hammering out the final demos for the songs and Daehyun had only heard a few so far along with the rest of the members, one of them being the title track. He’d heard bits and pieces of songs as Yongguk worked on them in the dorm or listened to them in the van, soft sounding rhythms and smooth melodies.

He’s still wrapped up in his thoughts when Youngjae drags him up by the hand, key cards in his other palm as he mumbles at him and they head towards the elevator. Pure exhaustion makes sleep come easier these days and it isn’t long before he’s drifting off in the plush hotel bed, pushed into dreamland by the sound of running water and Youngjae’s echoed singing.

As tired as they all are energy isn’t hard to muster up on stage, not with a crowd chanting their names and singing their lyrics. He wants to end the year well; a year filled with so many things, bad and good, and this is his final push before he starts anew.

He always feels small in front of such a huge crowd, his hands gripping the microphone as his sweater falls over his fingers. He’s always been a little shy in situations like this, when he’s not singing, but it’s nice to have five others beside him, ready to pick up where he leaves off. They let Himchan and Youngjae volley back and forth during the talk segment, engaging with their fans in Japanese. He feels himself relax as they go on, watching Yongguk play around with the maknaes, grin natural on his face. That same grin widens further when Himchan not-so-innocently goads Daehyun into gwiyomi and he’s about ready to hit the ulzzang when he suggests Daehyun display his rap imitation skills. He ponders his answer for a second, sneaking a glance at their leader before deciding to go ahead with it.

“I have an imitation of Yongguk-san’s rap part.”

The members grin, already anticipating his failure as Yongguk looks on with a careful smile. He clears his throat before adopting a casual pose and imitating a rather gangster like walk, if he did say so himself.

“I like walking loosely…”

He’s already laughing midway and gives up as the members make faces at him, the fans also joining in on the lighthearted teasing. Yongguk looks at him with a grin but his eyes are intense and Daehyun is reminded of the same gaze being set on him often before he’d be pulled up against the taller man’s body. He refocuses and steps back, Youngjae and Himchan continuing with their emceeing as he calms the thuds in his chest.

The rest of the concert and tour is a blur, constantly on his toes as the lyrics switch to Japanese and sometimes back. When it’s finally over Daehyun feels an immense weight come off his shoulders, pride pushing to the forefront as they stand in front of the screaming crowd.

They’d done it; a real world tour.

Yongguk’s hand is warm and tight around his as they bow for the crowd.

*          *          *

Daehyun had always gotten on well with, well, everyone. Yongguk watches as he laughs in Jungseob’s arms, squirming away from the tickling he’s being subjected to. The dancer sneaks some of Daehyun’s food in the process and then it’s the vocalist’s turn to drape himself all over the elder man as he whines pitifully, full lips in a pout.

Himchan’s head landing on his shoulder makes him break his stare, the ulzzang groaning with fatigue, “Back to the studio tomorrow, right?”

Yongguk hums a yes, shoving a spoonful of food into his mouth simply to have something to do that doesn’t involve looking at Daehyun. He’s tired, too tired to keep up a front. It’s a relentless pace. This dinner, carefree and celebratory as their touring finishes, is the briefest of reprieves. 

They are allowed to sleep in the next morning and head to the studio later in the day to listen to the demos for the rest of the songs and the mixes the composers had come up with while they’d been away.

“I’m glad it’s going to be an actual album this time, I can’t imagine trying to whittle it down to five or six songs,” Himchan murmurs.

“Hyungs did really well,” Junhong adds and Yongguk lets his hand come up to squeeze his nape briefly.

When the next song starts playing though, the tiny smile slips off his face as he chances a glance their vocalist’s way, feeling wary. He’d included the song - couldn’t bear to leave it out when he’d finished it and felt like every word he’d written down had been carved into his skin just the same. He could feel the emotion coursing through him again, grateful their production team had managed to create the sound he – they – had envisioned. He could only imagine how great it would sound once all their voices were on it. Bittersweet, the room is silent as the jazzy beat continues, his own voice replacing Daehyun’s in the final demo. He’d wanted to preserve something of it between them, the original file buried in his laptop and on his phone. All this time and he was as selfish as ever.

Daehyun’s face is neutral as the track ends, had remained so throughout, and Yongguk wishes he’d had the forethought to give him some warning. The song hadn’t been private necessarily but it still was deeply personal. Yongguk could remember almost every moment of that day; Daehyun’s laughter, and their flirtation here in this very room as they went back and forth singing lines. Daehyun fiddling with the controls as Yongguk leaned over his shoulder, the bright smile he’d shoot him when he did something right.

He hesitates to make eye contact. It’s not the anger he expects but Daehyun eyes are unreadable on his before the producers take the reins again.

January 2014

He’d suggested the trot performance after they’d both lucked out when drawing straws for the Secret medley. Daehyun had looked at him, lips pursed slightly as Yongguk awaited a response. The long wig he’d put on while they played with the clothes and accessories the stylists had brought for the Secret performance was still on his head, a natural shade of brown that suited the singer almost too well. He’d finally nodded his agreement, hand coming up to remove the wig and a splash of red on his cheeks.

It's a classic song that most everyone knows and so there isn’t much to practice before they are at the venue, ready to run through the set they’d prepared for the event. Rehearsal goes well, but it isn’t the ice breaker Yongguk had hoped it would be. Their chemistry is lacking, the performance feeling like two separate voices just singing the same song, not like the weaving of sounds like ‘I Remember’ had been. It would take time to return to where they were and perhaps the upbeat nature of the song was part of the reason it was so awkward now. Yongguk doesn’t think he can sing another sorrowful one looking at Daehyun’s face any time soon, though.

They finish the run through with stilted conversation on what to keep and change for the final performance, almost exceedingly formal and out of place among the chatter of their group mates. Yongguk tries not to dwell on it, even this is more than he feels he deserves from the younger.

He heads outside for some fresh air when they get a break. He’s met with the smell of smoke and he squints ahead and laughs to himself as he walks towards the figure there, hunched over like a guilty thief.

“Noona’s not going to like this, hyung,” he says, coming to stand beside the stout man.

“Ah,” Seokgu grins, sheepishly stubbing the cigarette out, “I’m hoping I can kick it again before she finds out.”

Yongguk almost wishes he could bum one of the sticks off the manager, fingers tapping nervously against the rail there. Seokgu wouldn’t let him anyway and he recognizes it’s a bad idea for a myriad of reasons. The cute way Daehyun always crinkles his nose at the smell is still one of them.

“You good?” Seokgu asks, patting Yongguk’s shoulder.

“Yeah,” Yongguk sighs, taking in a deep breath afterwards and letting the cool air fill his lungs, “Just tired.”

Seokgu frowns, “I’m sorry we couldn’t get you kids some time off. But hey, a full album is a big deal right?”

Yongguk nods, a half smile appearing on his face. It was a huge deal, even if it felt a little bit more like a burden at the moment, fresh off another non-stop year.

“Are you upset you couldn’t take the album where you wanted to go?”

“A little.”

“But that’s not it,” the man surmises after a pause.

All of a sudden Yongguk wants to unload some of the weight on his chest. He’d even refrained from confiding in Himchan or Yongnam lately, not wanting to seem like a man who couldn’t stick to his guns, someone indecisive and unfit to be a leader. He is a person like the rest of them but he can’t help but feel like they expect him to be more.

“I hurt… someone I love. I was trying to do the right thing for us, for…all of this,” he confesses, gesturing vaguely at the venue, “I don’t know, I think I made a mistake, hyung.”

Seokgu doesn’t ask questions, only offering a muttered sympathetic curse and a squeeze to his shoulder. It’s a minute or so before he turns to face Yongguk, speaking again.

“Yongguk, you're a good kid. You all are and you deserve great things. If something makes you happy… if something’s good for you, hold onto it. If that means you keep it away from the vultures in this industry, frankly, all the better.”

*          *          *

Daehyun sits against the wall, listening to the maknaes chatter with a smile. They were innocent, in a lot of ways. Not naïve, the way they might come off on screen, just bright. Just as weary as the rest of them, but with an optimism to counter it.

Junhong nudges his arm as he laughs at something Jongup says and he leans against the youngest’s tall figure, suddenly feeling old and tired. Junhong’s arm comes around him, his chin dropping onto Daehyun’s head and he relaxes into his arms.

“Hyung, did you stop with the gym?” the maknae asks, fingers squeezing at Daehyun’s arm as a frown slides onto his face.

“Mmm, yeah,” he answers with a sigh, “No time. Fans said I looked weird, anyway.”

“So?” Daehyun can practically feel the younger’s pout, “I didn’t think so.”

“You can never make everyone happy,” Jongup adds sagely, “So you should just make yourself happy first.”

Jongup was always sprouting little bits of wisdom like that, somehow always hitting the nail on the head. 

“Yeah, but sometimes things are bigger than you, aren’t they?” He mumbles in response.

He feels Junhong shift at that and he tucks his face into the maknae’s shoulder to hide his face, feigning a yawn.

“Not biceps,” Jongup insists.

“No,” he agrees with a helpless grin pressed into Junhong’s sweater, “Maybe not those.”

The next day’s performance is almost casual, not because they thought any less of it but because fan meets were always a special sort of atmosphere.

Daehyun had slowly been letting go of his anger and hurt, not for Yongguk as much as for himself. B.A.P, and Yongguk, made him happy, and he didn’t want anything to taint that anymore. After all they’d gone through as a group he couldn’t imagine a life without any of them in it, certainly not without Yongguk. They weren’t back to where they once were yet but the bridge had been shakily rebuilt, waiting for someone to begin the careful walk back.

Getting ready side-by-side backstage is comfortable, if not carefree. Their suits are appropriately flashy and he spies Yongguk grinning at himself in the mirror as he sticks a false moustache on his face. He laughs before he can stop himself, his gaze darting away when Yongguk looks at him as he fixes his hair.

“Too much?” The elder asks.

He shakes his head, a small smile on his lips, “You look good, hyung.”

“Not as good as you. But you would have looked in that wig, too.”

Yongguk, recognizing his embarrassment, goes back to styling while Daehyun hides his flush behind a can of hairspray.

When it’s finally their turn he doesn’t feel anything but excitement.

He’d missed this.

*          *          *

It feels like things are healing between them but the wound is pulled tight, skin trying to hold itself together in a delicate balance, liable to tear if something went wrong.

So when Daehyun announces he’ll be going out for the evening with Jungseob, Yongguk can’t let it go without saying something. It seems as good a time as any. He walks into their shared bedroom where Daehyun has just finished pulling on a sweater. The singer offers him a quick smile before returning to the small mirror on the wall, running hands through his hair.

“It’s a bad idea.”

Daehyun’s hands slow, “What is?”

Yongguk looks behind him. Himchan is the only one around, in the living room. He walks further into the room.

“If you were, at some point, to date another guy. It’s a bad idea …for the same reasons we were.”

Daehyun’s hands drop and he turns to his bed, picking up his wallet and a mask. He keeps his back to Yongguk but he hears the words clearly.

“It’s not like that,” Daehyun takes in a breath, seemingly squaring his shoulders as he turns to face Yongguk again, “And anyway, you can’t…you don’t have a say in it either way.”

He puts a hand on the younger man’s shoulder as he tries to push past him.

“I know, I’m not trying to interfere,” he isn’t sure that’s the truth but at least he’s confident in his next statement, “I just…it makes me feel like everything was in vain.”

There is pain in Daehyun’s eyes when their gazes meet but it’s gone when he blinks.

“Maybe it was. But that was your choice, hyung. I’m not about to be punished for it.”

“Dae, wait-”

Yongguk holds his arm out to block Daehyun’s path and this time Daehyun actually does shove him back, surprising him with the strength behind it.

“What? You were scared things would get ed up, did what you thought was best, and now I’m being policed because of it?”

He’d never seen Daehyun look so angry or his temper rise so quickly, not at him or anyone else, and he thinks it must be the result of months of pent up rage. He shakes his head, struggling to explain himself although he can’t really argue against any of Daehyun’s words.

“That’s not- you know that’s not what I’m saying.”

Daehyun’s jaw twitches as he clenches his teeth, “I don’t know anything. I don’t know why you had so little faith in me, in us, being able to do this. I don’t know why you gave up just like that. I don’t-”

The younger man cuts himself off, rubbing at his eyes and pushing past Yongguk with a scowl.

Daehyun wants to get away from him, that much is apparent. He pulls out his leader card because it’s the only one he has left. Daehyun isn’t in any state to be out anyway.

“I’d rather you stay in tonight, we’re busy as it is,” though phrased as a suggestion, the demanding undertone in his voice is apparent.

This time, Daehyun doesn’t seem to care, continuing down the short hallway.

“We’re probably just going to practice for a bit and then get some dinner.”

Yongguk is aware that he is now being unreasonable, but it’s almost as if he’s watching himself though a distorted lens, unable to stop himself.

“No. You can’t, not tonight. Practice here if you have to.”

“I need Jungseob to-”

“No, you don’t. Ask Jonguppie,” Daehyun’s anger is apparent now, eyes flashing as Yongguk steps closer and almost corners him against the wall, voice low and forcefully calm, “You’re not going to leave this apartment right now.”

By now Himchan has heard their arguing, walking out from the living area and standing at the mouth of the room.

“Daehyunnie,” the ulzzang’s voice is a cool breeze in the midst of their heated stares, “what’s this about?”

Daehyun glares at Yongguk, gaze never wavering as he answers the elder and Yongguk finds some small part of him is glad to be the focus of the younger’s passion after so long.

“Nothing, hyung. Yongguk-hyung is just a coward that can’t see past himself. I’m tired of this. I’ll be back before twelve.”

With that, Daehyun finally brushes past him and disappears down the hallway. Yongguk’s breaths come out in shallow, angry intervals as he listens to the younger’s steps fade past the door and down the stairwell. He wants to physically hold the younger back, force him back into his room and lock the door, but the small part of his brain that’s still working reminds him that he’s never been one to lay hands on someone like that and he isn’t going to start now.

Himchan is tentative when he moves towards his best friend. He reaches out to touch Yongguk’s shoulder and Yongguk shrugs him off, turning and pacing in the living room.

“Yongguk,” Himchan is stern, voice rising slightly when he ignores it. It sounds distorted in his head, like it’s coming through water, waves of anger and hurt in Yongguk’s mind, “Yongguk! What the hell was that?”

Yongguk feels himself inwardly collapse at that and falls to the couch, head in his hands, “I don’t know. Himchan, I don’t know what got into me, I just…I can’t deal with it anymore. I ed all of it up.”

Yongguk stands abruptly, grabbing his bag by the door and stepping into a pair of shoes.

“I’m going to the gym. Don’t wait up.”

“Yongguk, wait-”

The door slams.

Love is like a sin, my love

For the one that feels it the most

- Paradise Circus, Massive Attack

"Yongguk chose Daehyun as the member who would look the best as a woman because he’s good looking and saw him with a wig before!" - 140208 Hanjin Tourism Event “B.A.P Welcomes U” Fanaccounts (Trans by upboxx@twitter | © yorimarumaru & himchan_forever)

I hope I haven't used this song already...

Clips from this chapter: the talk segment of 'Warrior Begins' and Bangdae's trot performance at Baby Day. I'll also leave you with this lovely clip from Warrior Begins, where we get to enjoy their lovely voices and also enjoy the way Yongguk is looking at Dae T.T

One more chapter to go!

Thank you very much for reading~