Wow, so this took a long time. Thank you for being patient, guys!

I've been working steadily on All's Fair, and I've completed this Himdae one-shot, and also have another Bangdae one-shot in the works, if anyone is interested! 

Now for this long overdue update. Please note, this takes place a couple months after the last chapter left off.

Source

May 2013

When Yongguk thinks about where he was just a year ago and where he is now, he can feel the way his heart swells with so much joy it feels as though it will burst.

He’s proud of himself, of his boys, and how much they’d accomplished in the past year and after the high of awards season and their first concert, he hadn’t thought things could possibly get any better on the professional front.

But they had.

He remembers hearing the news, the way they had all been too shocked to speak and Himchan had finally put their collective thoughts into words.

“Really? But, hyung, I mean- I know you said it was a possibility, but…”

Kang had smiled at Himchan and the rest of them as the ulzzang had trailed off, along with their CEO and a few other staff that had been present in the room.

“It’s no dome tour, but you will be performing in four cities in the US in May, before the rest of the tour in Asia.”

It had been a couple months since that announcement and now Yongguk stares out the small window at Los Angeles waiting below, and feels like he’s flying in more than one way. He looks around him, to Himchan beside him tapping his fingers nervously, equal parts excited and nervous now that he’d been given the all clear to perform again. Junhong, already too big for the seat, practically jumping out of his skin with energy as the pilot announced their imminent landing over the P.A. Daehyun and Youngjae, yammering together as they clamour over each other and poor Jongup trying to look out the window.

He looks back down at the expanse of land below them and though the plane has begun its descent, he still feels like they’re on top of the world.

*          *          *

They finish their last US concert and everyone is well fed and sated after a final celebratory dinner. Knowing their members, though, the staff is asking for what they want from the convenience store by their hotel and voices ring out left and right, calling out various snacks and drinks.

Yongguk decides he’d better go along; make sure they get the things the maknaes are partial to and some coffee drinks for Himchan. He’s frowning as he wonders how he’s going to remember the rest of their demands when Daehyun rushes out of his and Youngjae’s shared room and into the hallway they are talking in, sidling up to him.

“I’ll come with, hyung.”

Yongguk smiles as Daehyun enters the elevator with him, their managers chatting about something or other a few feet away. Once at the store, they wander the aisles looking for snacks that would appease the members.

“You know,” Daehyun begins, picking out some things from the shelf in front of him, “if anyone had told me I’d be performing in New York City, and still eating from convenience stores…well, that last part I’d believe.”

Yongguk laughs, “Stay humble, right?”

They gather some more things into a basket - some miniature sized toiletries they had begun to run out of and a few energy drinks they knew they should be avoiding - and head to the register, politely maneuvering around a few fans that had found them.

They step back into the elevator at the hotel alone, their managers settling something with the front desk as they head back to their rooms.

Daehyun leans against the mirrored wall, face and hair still done-up and black leather jacket hanging off his frame. The vocalist looks at Yongguk and catches him staring, before smiling in that shy way of his, mouth still closed and eyes flitting away to the numbers rising on the level indicator. He does lean against his side slightly, letting their arms brush in a restrained show of affection.

The tension is different, more comfortable, but still very much there and Yongguk still feels the zing of excitement run through him every time they touch. Like this, Yongguk can almost imagine they are just two tourists that found each other in this city that never sleeps, catching and holding on to some spark they will allow to consume them behind closed doors, content to find each other among the sheets and leave the adventure outside for other travellers. He is mindful of where they are, though, and despite his desire to burn off the remnants of concert energy with Daehyun in an empty room, he soothes himself with the sweet scent at his side and the minimal contact.

The elevator dings then, doors sliding open and they spill into the hallway, already hearing the faint sounds of Youngjae and Himchan laughing about something or other. As he unlocks the door to his and Himhan’s room, they find the two engaged in a tussle and as Daehyun drops the bag in his hands to join the fray and the maknaes watch with wide grins, Yongguk feels himself settle.

How strange, he thinks, to feel perfectly at home thousands of miles away from it.

*          *          *

There is a brief pit stop in Korea and comfort in the familiarity of their cramped dorm before they are being carted off to Japan.

They only have one day between the Tokyo concerts and Yongguk chooses to remain in with Daehyun, as Youngjae, Himchan and Junhong elect to do some more shopping while Jongup catches up on sleep in his hotel room.

They are in the vocalists’ room, Yongguk leaning against the headboard of Daehyun’s bed while the younger lies on his side, head pillowed on Yongguk’s thigh as they watch TV, fresh from a shared shower.

Yongguk’s hand rests over Daehyun’s body, palm the younger’s chest, just above the mark he knows is there, engraved into supple skin by his mouth. He leans forward slightly to peer at the vocalist’s face; at the multi-coloured lights from the TV dancing over the younger’s features in the darkened room and the flutter of his lashes as he struggles to stay awake. He allows his hand to settle in Daehyun’s hair, slender fingers running over the singer’s scalp and feels a swell of affection run through him at the pleased hum and slow smile he receives.

He’s aware that on the surface they seem like a mismatched couple, their personalities so at odds. But Yongguk has always been drawn to those brighter than him, with both friends like Himchan and in his previous relationships. Unlike his friendships, though, the romances hadn’t lasted. Eventually, both his ex-girlfriends had grown irritated with him, less enamoured by his passion and status as an underground name as they came to realize that Yongguk wasn’t always the person he was on stage, that he could be as cold as he was warm, as taciturn as he was vocal.

Since then, he hadn’t bothered with serious commitments. He wasn’t typically one for casual relations either, but there had been a couple boys after his last break-up, before things with TS became more solid. After that, he hadn’t ever thought he could have anything more with a man, didn’t ever think he’d have the chance to.

But then there was Daehyun, and now that they were together, things were different.

There was no pressure. He never felt as though he left the younger wanting, like Daehyun was waiting for something from him that he didn’t know how to give, like Daehyun’s eyes would dim a little more every time he looked at him and saw something new.

There is a shuffle then and Daehyun is facing him, head still resting on Yongguk’s thighs as he blinks up at the elder.

Yongguk’s thumb the swell beneath one eye, over the small mole there and he smiles as he catalogues the slight unevenness of the orbs, one slightly larger than the other and both looking at him with sleepy confusion.

He moves, shifting both Daehyun and himself until he is lying over the younger on the bed and Daehyun is kissing him back, soft and pliant. He reaches down to tug at their clothes and it isn’t long after that that his face is buried in Daehyun’s neck as he leans over the singer on his elbows, bodies moving to a slow rhythm.

Yongguk leaves the younger below the waist but pushes up the t-shirt he’d left on him until he can lower his mouth to the smooth chest, rebranding the skin. His own clothes feel suffocating as the heat between them rises, but he relishes in the little sounds the brushes of fabric draw out of Daehyun. 

The singer’s hands grip his sides, fingers digging into the flesh there as he lifts his hips to meet Yongguk’s, plush lips caressing Yongguk’s ear as he breaths into it.

“Hyung, Guk, please…”

Yongguk redoubles his efforts, until Daehyun’s voice is cut off by high sighs and insistent whimpers, until he feels like waves crashing and Daehyun is the sand absorbing him.

*          *          *

After returning from Japan, Daehyun and Yongguk sneak away to the rooftop of their dorm for some privacy while the others are occupied. Yongguk has Himchan to thank for that, the man picked up on things fairly quickly and would occasionally subtly facilitate their little getaways.

They aren’t doing much, just leaning against a wall and looking up at the sky as they pass a drink between them, a small moment of relaxation before they begin on the rest of the tour. Yongguk’s arm is around the singer’s shoulder, its accompanying hand laced with one of Daehyun’s and lying against the younger’s chest.

Daehyun smiles, “It’s been a good year so far. Tough, but good.”

Yongguk nods and leans against the vocalist’s shoulder, “I kind of want to sleep for a month, but I also think that’s a terrible idea because there’s so much I want to do.”

Daehyun frowns, “Aish, this hyung. You’d be starving and an insomniac if we weren’t around. Well, more of a starving insomniac than you already are.”

“That’s why I have you. You can eat enough for the both of us.”

Daehyun knocks his head into Yongguk’s in retaliation, but it reminds him of a baby mountain goat and only makes him laugh as the younger mumbles a response.

“Can’t get you into bed though…”

Yongguk raises a brow at that, grinning suggestively, “Can’t you?”

Yongguk pinches at Daehyun’s side and he tugs him closer even as the younger squirms away.

“Hey!” Daehyun’s mock anger dissolves into a laugh when Yongguk buries his head against his neck, “That tickles, hyung! Stop…”

Yongguk does and instead leans down to capture the other’s lips and as the kiss deepens, there is the sudden clang of metal as the door to the roof opens. The two spring back and Yongguk is shocked at the figure he sees.

“Yongnam?”

The other man is quiet, shifting on his feet awkwardly.

Daehyun immediately leaves Yongguk’s arms and rises to his feet. His face is fairly neutral, though Yongguk can see a slight apprehension in his eyes.

The singer bows deeply, “Hello, Yongnam-hyung. Um, you probably came to talk to Yongguk-hyung. I’ll leave you to it. It’s nice to see you!”

Yongnam murmurs a soft ‘congratulations’ to the younger man, a gentle hand settling on the smaller’s stiff shoulders as he passes and Daehyun relaxes minutely, smiling sweetly and bowing once more. Yongnam’s eyes follow the way the singer looks back to Yongguk one last time, eyes tender.

Yongguk wants to call Daehyun back but the other is already heading down the stairs, and out of sight. He stands and walks over to his twin and they share a brief hug. Yongnam is the first to speak.

“Sorry to come unannounced, but I wanted to congratulate you and the guys in person. Jongup said you might be up here, I didn’t think…”

Yongnam trails off, gesturing vaguely towards Yongguk.

Yongguk smiles shyly, “Yeah. I…would have told you. Eventually. No one else knows yet, except Himchan.”

Yongnam had never been judgemental and he was the only one who Yongguk had formally told of his attractions, just after they had graduated high school. Still, the look on his face is less than pleased and Yongguk begins to worry.

“You said you were okay with it,” Yongguk begins, “That you would be okay with it.”

Yongnam sighs and runs a hand through dark hair, demeanour a sharp contrast to Yongguk’s. Yongguk feels like he is looking at another side of himself, opposites facing each other in a duel, Yongguk the golden glow of happiness and love and Yongnam the dark face of reason and reality.

“Guk…do you know what you’re doing? This could ruin you in this industry, ruin him. And what about the others? I am okay with it, but the world isn’t just made up of me and you’re not exactly in a position where you can ignore the world.”

It’s not that this is news to him; Yongguk is very familiar with the words tumbling out of Yongman, words he had repeated to himself many a night before. When he speaks, his voice is smaller than he’s ever heard it, swallowed by fear made a living breathing creature.

“I know, but…nobody else has to know.”

Yongnam sighs, eyes sad and brow furrowed with worry, “Ever? Look, Guk, if I thought you’d be satisfied with a back room fling that you could enjoy and drop when the time came, I wouldn’t say anything. But you and I both know you’re not that guy. How long has it been?”

“Almost six months.”

Yongnam looks down, unwilling to meet Yongguk’s slowly dimming eyes.

“I know you wouldn’t have gotten involved like this, not with a member and dongsaeng, unless you really had something. But that’s just it, isn’t it? If you’re serious with him, but you don’t know if either of you can go the distance then you’re just wasting each other’s time.”

Yongguk doesn’t say anything to that.

In a way, he is very idyllic. Of course, he had known of the risk, of the fact that he and Daehyun could likely never have a normal relationship, hold hands in the streets and celebrate publically as a couple. These were things he had considered, things he had always known, even before Daehyun had ever been a part of his life.

But then they had come together and Yongguk had thought none of that mattered; they could be as they were, happy together even if no one knew it. And because no one did know, there hadn’t been anyone to question this fragile state of being.

Hearing this from Yongnam brought it all back, brought worries he hadn’t even considered brought to light. He had only ever worried about keeping their connection hidden, for the impact on B.A.P and their relationship if things went sour, but beyond that, if they made it, if they lasted, what then?

Yongnam’s voice cuts through his mind then, soft but firm.

“Yongguk-ah, Yongguk…I’m sorry.”

Yongnam speaks with such sympathy, and Yongguk knows he’s apologizing for so much more than his words.

Yongguk can’t think of this right now, he’s been gone for too long already, the others will wonder where he is, Daehyun will wonder where he is.

“We should head downstairs.”

When they walk back into the dorm, Himchan keeps sneaking glances at him and Daehyun isn’t far behind, hands gripping the can of soda in his hand nervously. Yongnam greets the members and they fill a plate for him, urging him to take a seat as they talk and the elder congratulates them on their successful concerts.

Yongguk takes a seat beside his twin; thankful Daehyun has opted to settle on the opposite end of the room, by Youngjae. He doesn’t think he’d be able to stop himself from reaching over, from clasping the younger’s hand tight in his own.

He doesn’t even know who he’d be trying to comfort.

*          *          *

The next day Yongguk leaves for his sister’s place. He can’t be around Daehyun like this, can’t bear to smile at him as he stands in the fray of the thoughts fighting in his head.

Natasha looks surprised to see him, but he had mentioned he’d visit before they set off on the second leg of their tour, so she thankfully doesn’t question it.

He pretends he wants to take a nap before they go out for dinner and heads upstairs to where they live, curling up on the couch to the muffled sounds of his sister and Charu talking with clients.

Here, away from the dorm, from the members, from Daehyun, he looks at his relationship with fresh eyes, longevity on his mind.

It sounds strange now, but he hadn’t ever thought about the pitfalls of having to keep their relationship behind closed doors, it had just seemed like something that came with this sort of relationship. It isn’t as though either of them can take up with a woman they like either, in fact dating each other is much easier than looking elsewhere to begin with. The trouble of finding moments alone and in private had only seemed like a nuisance, a minor barrier to being intimate and free.

They live in a microcosm of sorts; being idols, living together in a dorm, their time so regimented. Despite the initial struggles, things are simple when they are together like this. It is easy to forget there is a life beyond B.A.P, beyond the next five or ten years, that they won’t always be living together, schedules and lives perfectly aligned as they are now.

Would he and Daehyun ever be able to move their relationship out of their dorm and beyond stolen moments in shared hotel rooms? And if they can’t, are they really just delaying the inevitable? At the end of the day, they’d just be holding each other back. Maybe what he feels at the moment is the result of a prolonged lack of intimacy, a yearning that was less about the possibilities, the future, and more about the here and now. Something that was beautiful in the present, frozen in the little bubble they lived in, but could never stand the test of time.

He was beginning to think that there was no hope for these feelings born out of a spark that grew to a steady burn, because all fires eventually had to be put out. The only other option was to let it die on its own, to let it consume you until nothing but ashes remain.

*          *          *

When Daehyun walks into the small recording room, Yongguk steels himself. The younger has just returned from the gym with Youngjae and he’s dressed in soft looking grey sweats and a fitted white tank, leaving toned arms visible and accentuating the line of his waist and hips. Yongguk’s heart and hormones are already going haywire the second the alluring face comes into view, lush lips in a sweet smile as the vocalist leans up to kiss the elder in greeting.

Yongguk places a gentle hand against the other’s chest to stop him and the younger frowns, “What’s wrong?”

“Dae…”

Yongguk hates himself.

“Daehyun, we need to stop.”

Daehyun’s face remains still for a moment before he lets out a nervous laugh, “What are you talking about, hyung?”

Yongguk steps back and falls into the chair behind him, head in his hands as he forces the words out, “This relationship. It can’t work. And we owe it to ourselves and the group-”

“Stop talking to me like we’re at a press conference.”

Yongguk does stop, the sudden sharpness in Daehyun’s whispered words cutting through his self-pity.

“You’re not serious, are you?”

Daehyun’s eyes are hard and it takes everything in Yongguk’s soul to nod. He doesn’t know what to say, how to bridge the gap between their shared kisses just days ago and today. He stands again, hands clasped as he speaks.

“Yes, I am. I’m sorry, I take full responsibility for it all, I should never have-”

“But you did!”  

Daehyun is angry.

Yongguk notes it in the way his corded arms tense, neck and shoulders stiffening as his newly built frame seems to solidify. The singer is almost the same height as he is now, and their eyes meet nearly head on.

“And don’t do that, don’t take me out of the equation like that, I’m not some kid you tricked into anything. Is that what this is about? You feel guilty or something?”

“I would be lying if I said I don’t.”

Daehyun scoffs and his anger only continues to rise, he has always had the worst temper among them even if it rarely reared its head.

“Yeah, well, not guilty enough to stop yourself from ing me, right?”

It stings Yongguk to hear that, mostly because it’s true.

“I was wrong.”

“Why?” Daehyun’s eyes are dry but his voice is choked and he looks at Yongguk with helplessness that Yongguk doesn’t know how to fix, “How can you say that? I just don’t get it-”

“It was a mistake, Dae.”

The second he says it Yongguk wants so badly take those words back, to reassure Daehyun when he sees the way the younger seems to crumple from the inside out, his now larger figure reverting to the slightness it had lived in for years.

He wants to explain, tell Daehyun that he’s fallen too deep for this to be anything but a commitment he doesn’t think they can make. Wants to tell Daehyun that he still feels for him, still loves him, and that, for better or worse, he doesn’t think he can ever completely stop, but Yongguk needs the separation to be brisk. Still, he reaches forward to press a last kiss to the younger’s forehead, even as the vocalist weakly pushes him away.

“I was selfish, and I pursued you when I shouldn’t have. Forgive me.”

And with that, he brushes through the younger’s hair one last time and leaves the room, closing the door quietly behind him. 

*whispers* I'm sorry!

A couple of you saw this coming, based on the canon. Please do continue to tell me what you think/feel!

Thank you for reading <3